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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Welcome, new incarnation!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know, I know. Short pithy pun (or pissy puns) work well. Or shaggy } dog stories involving the staple characters. Lists, particularly } numbered or compare and contrast style, do well. And speaking of } well, I know well placed zots are always popular. At least to send, } if not to receive. I understand the rules of the form, question } (better with a grovel, better still with an elaborate grovel) and } answer (better with a payment request, better still with a } relevant payment request). I know the characters good (Lisa), } middling (priests and supplicants), bad (Zadoc), and repungent (no } need to name). I know ways to deal with impossible to answer } questions, including the dreaded null. I know to reply in plain } text, lines at a reasonably length, and no part of the original } message (or a .sig) included in my response. } } I'm ready. } } You owe the Oracle a question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most pithy, > > I sometimes find journalistic units confusing. > > Tell me, how many African Elephants does it take to fill one Olympic > Sized Swimming Pool?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see. } Length of an African elephant: 7 meters } Width of an African elephant: 2.2 meters } Height of an African elephant: 4 meters } Volume (adjusted for empty space): 30.8 cubic meters } Volume of an Olympic-sized pool: 2500 cubic meters } Number of elephants: 81.16 } Oh. You probably should bring a chainsaw or something. } } You owe the Oracle a pool full of elephants.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When Julius Ceaser fought the Gharlic Wars who one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a long and complicated topic.  The Gharlic Wars were waged } against many tribes, for example the Parmesans and the Croutons (their } staple was a dry, toasted bread, thus their lending their name to the } food).  The Gharlics were numerous small, but powerful.  They were } known for a single unit (called a "clove") overwhelming everything in } their path. } } But Cesar, oh, Cesar!  Did he have an idea.  He surrounded the } Gharlics with Roman legions (called Romaines) and mixed them all up } with the Parmesans and the Croutons.  Of course, Cesar depending on } his most ablest commander, Maximus Anchiovus, to bind it all together. } } In honor of the victory, of course, Cesar had his chef make a salad to } commemorate this victory. } } That's chef name was Waldorf, and that's how we got the Waldorf Salad. } } You owe the Oracle a nice green salad with Hidden Valley Ranch } dressing.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise one! Bayete! Great Oracle! Umfundisi! He before whom the elephant > bows, for your wisdom surpasses the pachyderm! > > *grovels, face in the dust* > > Djmrk prwuffly dj... > > *spits out dust* > > Ahem. Sorry. OK - question time. Who, oh great Oracle, should I go to > for a job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a good question.  First, supplicant, what is your } qualifications? } } Yes, that is impressive--5 times in one day!  But I suggest you not } bring that up in interviews, or in public. } } I see, that is interesting that you used to wrestle grizzly bears. } I'll put that down as "wildlife handling experience". } } Any computer skills?  Hmmm, yes, well most men use their computer for } that, but again, don't bring that up in the interview unless you are } interviewing for, say, Larry Flynt Publishing.  I'll just say } "multimedia". } } Have you ever been convicted in a court of law?  No... all } acquittals... after mysterious disappearances of jurors... We'll tick } that "No". } } Formal education?  Grade 5.  So no post-secondary?  I see... the carnie } school didn't go past grade 5, ah yes, the bear baiting from above. } First time I've heard of a human being involved. } } Any useful skills?  Yes, that is clever that you can balance a roll of } pennies on your nose, flip it up, swallow it down hole and regurgitate } 50 cents.  Probably good as a children's entertainer... } } Feeding this into the Oracle's Patent-Pending Job Finder, the best job } for you is... } } Cleaning up the dust in front of the Oracle's alter... with your mouth. } } You owe the Oracle 30 years of indentured servitude.  Now get cleaning } before the next supplicant comes!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and autological Oracular Reader of Internet Comments And > Letters, I, not worthy to grovel at your infinitively splendid and > indefinitely perfec t toes, not worthy to turn to dust in the glorious > and splendid shower of lov eliness and virtues wonder from the heavens > that is your perfect omniscient g aze, not worthy to serve a horrendous > inferno of torture, plague and infinite  pain without he faintest, > meekest whisper of an echo of hope in your gloriou s eternal service, > but yet worthy to live a eternity of laughter and pure vib rant, > infinite joy and happiness in the love and care of anything but you, wo > uld beg with all of the filthy dirt of a heart your despicably, > grossly, disg ustingly, horrendously undeserved by a man of > twice-thrice-twenty times less the absolute insignificance of an ant > that such an awfull insect such I posse ses, the wonderous infinit > vastness of the tinyest wisp of the tip of a husk of mercy that i > assertainely don't deserve in the most disgusting!  , vile awful > horribleness of the most twisted notion of the craziest, surrea list, > most dead to reality corner of the most disturbed, disrupted, twisted, > undeniably unsavory demon's demon's mind. > > The chord progression in the 'Batman' theme and in 'Gimme > one reason to stay' by Tracy Chapman is a ripoff of > Wipeout. Did the Wipeout guys sue these plagiarous asshole > scum for ripping off their chord progression? > > Oh, and this is totally not someone else's question with a large grovel > add ed by me on the top.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My most humble servant, who is not pure enough to clean my holy } toilets, who however believes himself high enough to ask me a foolish } question, without any regards for intellectual property law as applied } to grovels, according to paragraph 56 section 12 subsection 89 of the } Codex XIX in the third edition of the First Manual to the Holy } Grovelings. Even though only your breathing is a profane insult to all } creation and should be smited directly to the lowest circles of Hell, } the magnificient Oracle will provide an answer to your most curious } question. } } The egg came before the chicken. } } This answer was totally not ripped off from another question, using a } ripped idea off another suplicant. } } You don't owe the Oracle, he has alraedy taken what is his.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> L'oracle, ainsi gai et formidable, > Quoi fait un bruit comme l'hippopotame enceintes? Au secours, > rapidement, sil vous plait! > Merci.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, } } We regret to inform you that semantic analysis of your question shows a } distinct lack of approved forms of groveling.  Due to the nature of } your question, it has been decided that the appropriate punishment / } learning exercise for you is to be placed within an enclosure that } currently houses a hippopotamus (specifically, my pet hippo, } Hippocrates.)  Should you, with this motivation to assist, quickly } develop the requisite skills at groveling, it will be evident, by the } lack of goring, trampling, and suffering noises that shall come from } within, and you shall be set at your liberty. } } Should this not be the case, you shall be dealt with by Hippocrates as } befits one who seeks such information without the requisite grovel; a } hippocrite. } } //attach form-letter:Hippocrates-meal-questionnaire } //attach form-letter:we're-oh-so-sorry-the-supplicant-didn't-survive } } cc:    Oracular Hippo-pen maintenance staff } cc:    "Blood Stains Out Now!" cleaning service } } You owe the oracle a merry batch of 'freedom fries.'  And a formidable } side of gravy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between an writing desk and an omlet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was able to pass the omelet. } } You owe the Oracle some antacid.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know that 'if thy right hand offend thee cut it off and > cast it from you... if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it > out and cast it from you ...', but what if someone's sin is > snorting cocaine? Should they ... you know ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scripture is silent on cocaine, but personally I believe that it is } the Lord's way of telling you that you have too much money.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can someone's face give away their party?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What an interesting question.  I, of course, already know the answer, } but you'll appreciate it more if you see for yourself rather than } having me tell you. } } So, I've chosen to analyze the face of Mrs. Mildred T. Bagger of } Lawndale, Georgia.  Watch closely. } } BAGGER:  I'm Mrs. _Harold_ T. Bagger, but you may call me Mildred. } } ORACLE:  I see.  And how are you today? } } BAGGER:  Well, I hain't been feelin' rightly ever since . . . } } ORACLE:  Excuse me for interrupting, but I wanted to remind you }           not to say anything that might give away your party. } } BAGGER (frowning):  Then let's just say I've seen better days. } } ORACLE:  So, let's look at your face.  You have beautiful blue }           eyes, Mrs. Bagger -- } } BAGGER:  Please, Mildred. } } ORACLE:  Mildred.  Did you know Ronald Reagan also had blue }           eyes? } } BAGGER (beaming):  Really? } } ORACLE:  Till the day he died.  I also see you have a stern jaw }           like Dick Cheney. } } BAGGER:  You don't think it's too unfeminine, do you? } } ORACLE:  Not at all.  Michelle Bachman also has a jaw like that. } } BAGGER (gasps):  Oh, stop it! } } ORACLE:  And your nose has the slightest upturn to it, like a }           Barbara Bush or a . . . } } BAGGER (breathlessly):  a...a...a...? } } ORACLE:  Sarah Palin! } } BAGGER (swoons):  Harold calls it his puddin' button! } } ORACLE:  And your hair!  It's such a soft straw color, like }           Hillary Clinton's hair. } } BAGGER (icily):  You mean Ann Coulter's hair. } } ORACLE:  Mmmm, nah, hers is more of a peroxide shade.  Yours }           is definitely more of a yellow straw.  But now that I }           see you scowl, your forehead lines look just like }           Ruth Bader Ginsburg's. } } BAGGER (more icily):  Ahem.  I think you should go now. } } ORACLE:  I understand.  Thank you for your time.  Oh, Mrs. }           Bagger -- you left your FOX News totebag!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If God wanted me to sleep, why did he let me know about caffeine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith } unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder. And } he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to } be sorrowful and very heavy. Then saith he unto them, My soul is } exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with } me. And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, } saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: } nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. And he cometh unto } the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, } could ye not watch with me one hour? Watch and pray, that ye enter } not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is } weak. He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my } Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, } thy will be done. } } And the LORD replied, "You want it to pass? Here, fill it with } espresso and give it to that Supplicant over there. He can be your } new disciple." } } You owe the Oracle a cup of de-Caiaphinated coffee.