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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much money do you make in a year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The plates last for about 600,000 impressions before they get sort of } smudgy. I run the press about three hours a day, and it's kind of slow } work, because each sheet of the special paper is hand-fed into the } press. I get about 30 impressions an hour, and there are eight bills to } a sheet. They then get fed, after drying, into the press for the other } side. So you can figure on 15 sheets an hour throughput. So multiply by } 24, and then by $10 (people are less likely to suspect $10 bills) and } you get $3600 a day. But I only work about 120 days in a year, the rest } of my time being spent answering damn-fool questions. } } So that's about $432,000 a year. Now the plates are good for maybe } 20,000 hours of work, and a year's worth of printing is 30 x 3 x 120 } hours, or 10800 hours. As you can see, I have to replace the plates } roughly every two years, but that's ok because the US Mint changes the } design for the $10 note about that often. } } You owe the Oracle a set of twisty, little serial numbers, all } different.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why couldn't my kids sleep in this morning, just this once?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to stop being so overprotective. Everyone has to get born } at some point. } } You owe the Oracle a womb with a view.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle > > You're black. So, are you getting Pokemon Black or White?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant / Yo, Homey!  (please select whichever salutation } applies): } } While the Oracle (naturally) transcends all temporal, spatial, racial, } ethnic, gender (and sometimes species) boundaries, We do occasionally } enjoy a gaming session or two. Being omniscient, though, and having } recourse to a myriad of grateful supplicants, the Oracle is currently } well supplied with all past, present and future Pokemon (TM) cards, } games etc. } } We have, however, devised an amusing little pastime of our own, which } We are provisionally naming "Tellamon" (Patent pending). This exciting } new game allows you to collect an amazing variety of Oracular } questions, answers, characters and artifacts, and to match them in } competition with your friends. } } Here are just SOME of the fantastic items you'll find: } } NULLON : It may LOOK like a blank card; but it has the power to } confuse, mystify and completelty stump your opponents!  See if they can } use their "Imagination", "Creativity" and "Sarcasm" powers against it - } if they have them! } } GROVELARD: One of the most unassuming of the Tellamons, its } overwhelming servility makes it nearly invulnerable to the Staff of } *ZOT* - especially if you team it with a ZADOC!  Even used solo, it can } disarm your opponent into giving you a valuable Answer! } } SPIKY CLUB OF OG: It smash, it crush, it pul-ver-ize! Just the item for } dealing with UNGROVELs, Q-DRANOs and R.O.U.S.TORs, as well as the } fearful RESUBBIT! } } LISACHU: So cute and seductive, it'll knock their socks off!  (Players } must be 18 or older; void where prohibited). } } ORACULAR DECODER RING: Get a Question that's beyond your Incarnation's } powers? The DECODER RING can instantly transform it into a wacky } ANAGRAM that you can hurl back at your opponent! } } TREKTON: available in TOS, TNG, or even the ultra-rare DS9 subspecies, } it can answer Questions as a full-fledged pop culture parody: gotta } beam THIS one up! } } And that's just the beginning!  At higher levels, you can use the "Time } Travel", "Poetic Licence" or "Super Geek" options to crate a whole NEW } style of play! And get yourself ready for: } } ****X-TREME TELLAMON - W**DCH*CK CAGE MATCH!!!**** (Coming soon!) } } And remember: GOTTA ANSWER 'EM ALL! } } You owe the Oracle some Tylenol and a four-dimensional cribbage board.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle: > > The Titanic sunk April 14-15, Abraham Lincoln was shot April 15th, we > have to pay our taxes the same day, the Revolutionary War started April > 19th (the Civil War on April 12th) and Hitler was born April 20th. Why > so bad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are all coincidences and not very amazing ones at that. } The titanic stunk on April, but then again it stunk all year round. } Abraham linking was shat April 15, but again he did that every day. } We have to pay our taxis April 15, but then again we have to pay the } fare on any other day we ride. There is no 'free taxi' holiday, that } would be great. April 19th was not started by the Revolutionary War, } it existed long before that (there is only one month with missing dates } -see the cal program. It's NOT April), and the Civil War was a war on } slavery, not on April 12th. And Hitler was borne, but that was only } because his mother carried him around when he was a baby which lasted } well past his birth on April 20. He so bad because kill 12 million } people. That bad. You know it. Make MJ look like piker. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why MJ was able to jump.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a scientist working for the Health Ministry, and I have been > tasked with reducing sodium in food. Because my degree is in political > science, I am not quite as well versed in chemistry as I perhaps > should be, so I turn to you for advice. > > We are planning a 50% reduction in sodium in food, to be voted and > put into place by late 2011. It has been pointed out to me that salt, > NaCl, is half sodium, so that is the obvious place to start. > > The legislation I shall be writing will recommend a phased > implementation of reduced-sodium salt. By October 2012 half of the salt > sold in stores must be NaCl2, and by 2015 there will be a complete > changeover to NaCl2, and the introduction of NaCl3 and NaCl5 will > commence. The result will be a proportionate reduction of the sodium > in salt. > > We are hearing from salt-industry spokesmen that what we propose > is impossible. Well, of course, nothing is impossible if the right > incentives are applied. > > How can I convince the salt companies to produce NaCl2, NaCl3 and > NaCl5?  We can have government laboratories assist them in the project, > but our Chief Government Scientist admits he also does not know how > to make NaCl2, not yet. He recommends massive funding. I do not want > to resort to punitive measures, but such a threat will always remain > available, to ensure that acceptable results are obtained.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, non-grovelling "scientist" person. Here's what I'll do for you. } } Let me tell you- one shouldn't try and change the amount of Cl in } salt. Your assistants can work on that for years, driven forward by } the thought of fame, glory and free pizza, but you need a result now, } or at least before the next election, so you can claim  all the credit } for it. } } You need to change the amount of Na in all the food people eat. The } best way to do that is to go after the densest concentration of } Na in food. The humble banana. Just look at that! 66% of it is Na, } and if you multiply that by the number of them eaten every day- why, } the arteries clang at the very thought. } } So- you have two options: Ban bananas on the grounds of public health } (would be unpopular amongst the general public, fruit companies, } and non-human primates) Or if you want to remain popular- Gradually } reduce the amount of Na in the banana. Rename it gradually, first to } the bana, and then the ba. } } I'm sure you see the logic of the situation. Then, once you have } eliminated the Na from the banana, you can then get to work on } the other hidden sources of Na in our lives, like songs with snappy } choruses, undefined numbers in spreadsheets and females whose children } have children. } } You owe the oracle an element of surprise.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will Nani pick me up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant: } } First of all, Uncle Oracle is VERY happy to see you developing your } computer skills already! Imagine how thrilling it will be when you're } able to WALK up to the computer ALL BY YOURSELF! No more laborious } crawling and climbing - you'll be one of the BIG kids soon! Won't that } be fun? } } Of course, you're going to have to learn to GROVEL, too. Not only will } Uncle Oracle be REALLY pleased; but it might help you when you're } pestering Mommy or Nani for that pony you'll want some day! } } Now, your question: Of COURSE Nani is going to pick you up: you're just } as cute as a button in your new rompers - how can she resist? Sure, } Nani may be all wrinkly, and she may smell funny; but she's going to be } a GREAT ally for you! When Mommy is getting all mean about TV or candy, } and stuffing horrid Vegetables down your poor little gullet, who you } gonna call? Nani! She'll give you goodies until you're bouncig off the } wals! She'll be your ticket for all those expensive  toys you see in } the Saturday morning commercials! She'll send you birthday cards with } REAL MONEY in them! } } And of course, if you suck up to Nani REAL good, she might leave you a } big, honking LEGACY when she finally kicks the bucket - won't Mommy be } JEALOUS!! So hang in there, kid! } } You owe the Oracle a cut of Nani's estate, once you hit 21.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi owacle. I 5 year old. There bottle of medicine that have > pwetty, yummy looking capsules, but i not able to open it. > how can i get lid off so i can get to pwetty, yummy capsules? > tanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, kid....... } } First of all, Einstein, you're going to have to work harder at your } grammar and spelling, if you want to get into that elite kindergarten } that your Mommy's been looking at. You're dropping verbs all over the } place; and even when you have them, they don't agree with the subject. } And typing with a lisp? Look, buddy, cuteness is NOT going to cut it } with the Admissions Board: they're looking for kids with drive, } ambition - GUTS. Show 'em you've got what it takes in this rough- and } -tumble world; show 'em you can kick butt and take lunch money! } } Anyway, about those pills? Fugeddaboutit. } } Those are Mommy's Happy Pills. You know, when Daddy gets home and } starts yelling at Mommy about serving frozen lasagna for dinner? And } Mommy starts crying a lot, and gets into that gallon jug of Chardonnay? } Yeah: THOSE pills. They're what's keeping Mommy from selling you and } your sister to a rug-weaver in Bangladesh. (That's what Mommy said, } anyway, while you were busy tormenting Mittens). } } So, if you eat those shiny, candy-colored capsules, Mommy's not going } to have any left to make her happy...... } } And if Mommy's not happy - ain't NOBODY happy. } } Now, you wanna make the Oracle happy? } }   Go into Daddy's drawer; and there, next to his gun and white } balloons, you'll find his wallet. Take out ALL the pictures of the dead } Presidents you can find, and send them to the Oracle, He just LOVES } those pictures..........

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What were they thinking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They were thinking they could power their home by harnessing nuclear } waste.  Boy were they wrong.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You control my buttons and scroll bars. > You control my windows too. > We gonna make a web surfer outta you, > That's what we gonna do! > > (Look at my butt) > > Don't close that program! Don't click that link! > The Oracle on Internet. > I ask you questions. Please tell me what I should think. > The Oracle on Internet. > > Are Chinese people descended from Ham or Japheth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, neither. } } Although Ham's descendants did get as far as the Sandwich Islands, } where they mustered and bred, the far Eastern peoples are in fact } descended form one of the lesser-known sons of Noah, Mooshu. } } Mooshu's sons, Lomein, Dimsum, Fooyung and Norbert, spread outward into } post-Diluvial China, multiplying as they went (this was the reason the } abacus was first invented there). While the first three settled down } comfortably in their new home, Norbert was discontented, and set out } across the Pacific by himself. } } He eventually landed in what was later to be known as Seattle, on the } continent already settled by Noah's other sons, Muktuk, Succotash and } Enchilada. Mingling with the local maidens, Norbert laid the } foundations of Geek civilization, which one day would reach its peak in } the great exodus to Indiana. } } The rest, of course, is history........... } } You owe the Oracle another question: he'll need it about half an hour } from now.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi Orrie, I'm a hornet. How come people are such racist > bigots that they don't want to be my knees? I feel hurt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now, let's not misapply the term racist. You don't belong to a } 'race', which is a completely arbitrary category applied to Homo } sapiens by other Homo sapiens. If you wish for proof, try to mate with } a member of that species. (There are those who may actually want you to } attempt that.) } } I suppose you could call it speciesism if you were really desperate to } be offended. But it cuts two ways: ask a bee why everyone thinks its } knees are so great. Especially a bee with arthritis. You'll get an } antenna full. } } Ultimately, though, it comes from the fact that 'hornet' doesn't rhyme } with 'knee'. Rhyme is a strange human concept wherein they make sounds } that are similar to other sounds, using it in a way to provide proof of } some ridiculous statement. (For instance, why are the only things in } Texas steers and queers? Cause it rhymes!) So perhaps you should begin } a PR campaign on how good it would be to be a hornet's omelets. } } You owe the Oracle an omelet. With cheese, tomatoes and bell peppers.