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} O Clueless Fanboy: tune into the truth.............
}
} (Static crackles, then fades)
}
} (Introductory Hammond organ music up)
}
} (Voice-over): Return with us now to those thrilling days of the
} not-so-Old West, where one Britt Reid, a young man with a passion for
} Justice, attempts to recapture the glory of his legendary, masked
} ancestor........
}
} (Music segues to a slow rendition of 'Oh, Susanna', played on banjo and
} harmonica)
} (SFX: desert wind)
}
} (VO): Our scene is the dusty little town of Desperation Gulch: a
} forgotten backwater; a crumbling remnant of the wild frontier. One
} lonely, sway-backed old horse drowses at the dilapidated hitching post
} before the General Store; a few battered Model T pickups are parked
} among the broken-down buckboards. Outside a dingy saloon, a couple of
} Gabby Hayes look-alikes are swapping monosyllables and spitting into the
} street.
}
} A cloud of dust in the distance resolves into a Hudson sedan, driven by
} a young college graduate in shirtsleeves, hand-painted tie, and a
} stained Panama fedora. Beside him sits a burly older man, similarly
} attired, save for a straw skimmer. They pull to a stop in front of the
} erstwhile telegraph office....
}
} (Fade out music)
} (SFX: brakes squeaking; car doors opening and shutting; footsteps on
} dirt road)
}
} YOUNG MAN (BRITT): Hot dog, Mike! It's just like the stories Dad used
} to tell me about his boyhood, when he rode with my legendary, masked
} ancestor, the Lone Ranger!
}
} MIKE: Yeah, kid, I'm sure it's picturesque as all get-out; but your
} father hired me to keep you out of trouble. And if you try any of that
} Buffalo Bill nonsense, why -
}
} BRITT: Aw, don't be such a pickle-puss, Mike! You see any gangsters or
} hop-heads in this ghost town? You've been on the Force so long, you
} think _ev'rybody's_ some sort of low-life racketeer!
}
} MIKE: I been around the block since you were in rompers, kid: don't you
} forget that! Bein' a cop's taught me a lotta things: and one o' them's
} that a fool college boy like you can get in hot water _anywhere_ on
} God's green earth!
}
} (VO): As if on cue, the sleepy desert afternoon was rent with the sound
} of gunfire!
}
} (SFX: gunfire)
}
} (VO): The terrified locals dove for cover!
}
} LOCALS: Quick! Git Down! Big Pete's gone plumb loco agin!
}
} (SFX: more gunfire; distant hoofbeats)
}
} BRITT: Mike! There's a desperado on the loose! This could be my big
} chance!
}
} MIKE: F'r gosh sake, kid, get in the car, and let's scram! You got no
} reason ta -
}
} (VO): But, quick as a flash, our daring young hero made a bee-line for
} the nearest available mount, and leaped into the saddle!
}
} (SFX:horse whinny)
}
} BRITT: No time for that, Mike, old pard! Destiny awaits! HI-HO,
} SILVER!!!
}
} (SFX: Horse whinny rises to scream; wood cracking; godawful crash)
}
} ***********************************************************************
} Friends: Are you troubled with the Scourge of Halitosis? Do your
} acquaintances seem to avoid you? Do you feel that your boss isn't
} rewarding you sufficiently at work? Does your marriage lack the magic it
} once had? Yes: "Mouth-Fur" has darkened the lives of so many like You!
}
} But NOW, you can take heart! Cleanse and sweeten your mouth AND your
} attitude with New ORA-COOL: the OMNISCIENT toothpaste! The Wisdom of
} the Ages, re-created by our tireless researchers in Modern Antiseptic
} Laboratories, brings you the refreshing taste of Frankincense and
} Myrrh, to gently lead Your Troubled Teeth to the Sparkle of
} Enlightenment!
}
} That's ORA-COOL: Get Mouth-Wise TODAY!
}
} And now - back to the adventures of "BRITT REID: Hero In Training"!
} ***********************************************************************
}
} (Hammond organ music)
}
} (VO): Half an hour later, in the old drug-store........
}
} PHARMACIST: Well, he ain't gonna kick the bucket, near's I kin reckon;
} but ye better git him over to Denver soon's ye kin. I taped up them
} ribs, 'n' put a splint on that there leg; but we ain't got none thim
} Hex-rays round these here parts to make sartin. What _was_ that fool
} green-horn tryin' to do, anyway? Kickin' that hoss 'thout even untyin'
} him? Land sakes, no wonder the ol' crow-bait done fell on him!
}
} MIKE: What about that Pete fella? Ya got no sheriff to bring that
} hoodlum in, pal?
}
} PHARM: Naw, Pete don't mean nothin' by it: he jes' gits on a tear now
} 'n' then after drinkin' too much. Besides, he never _could_ shoot worth
} a plugged nickel; he'll cool down sooner 'r later, 'n' come home like a
} whupped dawg. Kid coulda' broke his neck larrupin' 'round after him.
} Gosh Almighty, I never seen sech a jug-haid greenhorn as this'n!
}
} MIKE: You hear that, "Green-Horn"? Better stick with the ponies at
} the track, kid! Now let's get ya back to "Civilization".
}
} BRITT: (groans) You may be laughing at me now, Mike (cough): but I
} _know_ I'm going to make it as a crime-fighter (cough): it's in my
} blood!
}
} MIKE: They got shots for that now, lover-boy: it's called "septicemia".
} Look, kid - yer a green-horn, an' always will be: ya can _never_
} shake that off! Stick ta the city, OK?
}
} BRITT: Mike, I may be a green-horn (cough); but I'm going to wear
} that badge with pride!. If I can't ride a horse, then by golly, I'm
} going DRIVE evil-doers to Justice! And no matter how silly it may look,
} I'm going to wear a MASK!
}
} (Hammond organ theme up: and fade out)
}
} So, there you are, Supplicant: Britt took that shameful epithet, added
} a couple of letters, got some cool weapons, a souped-up automobile and a
} Japanese sidekick, and kicked bad-guy butt! That's the American Way,
} pal: high-octane, high-explosive and high-YA! No tree-hugging here!
}
} You owe the oracle the original transcription discs, and a large
} donation to the Kato Institute.
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