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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You used to inspire awe, but now it's fear (but in a good way). > > What do you want for your next birthday?  Remember you can finally > drink legally when it happens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I can drink legally, so I have decided to quit drinking. It's not } fun anymore. I'll have a coke, chips and we can all meet at 4:20

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I want to be Cool, what foreign languages should I learn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really, really waaaaaaaaay cool is to stick to English but become an } interpreter of the poems of William Topaz McGonagall. } } http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/ } } You owe the Oracle one ticket good for unlimited avoidances of your } performances.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, how do I install BNA Fixed Asset Management?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to send to Oracle Your credit card number, Your PIN code, } name of Your mother and/or Your favorite pet. Then You need to } double-click the installer icon and follow the instructions. } } You don't owe Oracle anything this time. } } P.S. Read whole license!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I took your advice, and she laughed in my face.  Did I follow wrongly, > or was this just for your own amusement?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry 'bout that. I mixed up the answer to your question with my advice } to Dana Carvey on how to resuscitate his career. Looks like it was spot } on. } } My advice to you was: use roofies. } } You owe me nothing. And I've signed you up for a year's free supply of } ProActiv.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie. I'm a gander. I've heard that laying eggs is good > for geese, and that a goose might explode if it holds it in. > So is laying eggs good for me as well? Because I've been > having lots of trouble laying eggs. Am I egg-constipated or > something? I don't want to explode like Elvis! What should I > do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thats odd... not laying eggs you say? } I've only seen this happen once before... } In about a week, you will lay something, but it will not be an egg. } This may horrify you, but you are about to lay an omelet. } For your convenience, I've included an Omelet FAQ: } } 1. What is an Omelet? } } An omelette or omelet is a dish made from murdered eggs quickly cooked } with butter or oil, sometimes folded around a filling such as cheese, } vegetables, meat (often ham), or some combination of the above. } } 2. Why do I have one inside me???? } } Omelets are summoned when a cow moos during a lunar eclipse while } aliens land on fifth moon of Saturn. } } 3. GET IT OUT!!! GET IT OUT!!!! GET IT OUT!!! } } The only way to remove an omelet is by "laying" it. Laying an omelet is } a difficult and painful process that can last years. Its recommended } you try exploding to avoid this. } } 4. Exploding???? Won't I die???? } } Yes, yes you will. } } ---------------------------------------------------- } Goodbye. To conclude I'd like to wish you the best of luck.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Splendid!  Now just sign and date here, here, here, here, and over } there - good - thumbprint here - excellent.  Yes, that is blood; Legal } insists on it.  Don't let it worry you.  Here's your payment and } receipt; please remember that the sale is final and irreversible. } } Now go enjoy your profits!  It's not like you were using the thing } anyway.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Many thanks for your help, Oracle.  You didn't solve a single one of my > problems, but you helped me to laugh at them, and realize that they > weren't all that big.  Thanks again!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you misunderstood me. } } Your troubles seem insignificant beside the large and increasing pile } of tribute you owe me. } } You owe the Oracle double next month.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get 100 australian dollars without working for more than half > an hour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant come to Orrie today. } He's a man at work, wants better pay. } He ask:  "Half an hour, make a hundred quid?" } I look at him, say "Depends what you did." } } I say: "Need a job in the land down under? } Stockbroker?  Expert plumber? } Rob a bank if you're feeling dumber? } Then you better run, you better take cover..." } } You owe the Oracle one (1) flute solo.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The fossil record has no transitional forms, but it does > show a lot of marine life fossils that occur on land, which > points to a recent global flood (fossils can form rapidly, > there is even a fossilized cowboy boot. That is not millions > of years old). So it turns out the fossil record actually > provides evidence against evolution and in favor of a > young earth.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I so wish you had asked me a question. But that's your problem, not } mine. I could have given you so much, so very much evidence for the } evolution of the cowboy and his boot. How it started out with not } enough heel, and the foot was slipping through the stirrup, and all the } proto-cowboys and their proto-boots that got dragged to death before } they could breed. And all about how the cowboys (and their boots) } survived the Flood by being so tall, and not needing Noah, or even } Moses, or the Ark of the Convenient. } } But you didn't ask. Your loss, not mine. } } Sometime, just to see what you get, ask me about Moses and the Ark of } the Convenient.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi Orrie, my descendants are doing things that I think are > horrible! But I was cremated and my ashes dumped at sea. Can > I still manage to roll over in my grave? If so, how? This is > very important to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are now a Marine Corpse. As you know, the Marines always get things } done. No less can be expected of you. Your disassociation into tiny } particles merely spreads your abilities wider. } } Once a Corpse, always a Corpse!