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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will they finally do a remake of the Wizard of Oz in > which Dorothy says, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, WTF?"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just as Ted Turner launched his project a generation ago to colorize } old movies that had fallen out of favor with modern audiences, there } is now underway a project to modernize the dialog of classic films. } Spearheaded by the family team of Eddie, Kathy and Stewie Griffin, } "Operation F Bomb" plans to update lines such as these: } } "WTF?  Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL." } } "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!"  "WTF?" } } "WTF?  You had me at 'hello'." } } "I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, } instead of a bum, which is what I am.  WTF." } } "WTF?  Houston, we have a problem." } } "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me.  WTF?" } } "WTF?  Gentlemen, you can't fight in here.  This is the War Room!" } } "Take your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape!  WTF!" } } "WTF.  You could ask yourself a question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, } do ya, punk?" } } "Excuse me while I whip this out."  "WTF?" } } "WTF?  What we've got here...is failure to communicate. } } "No. *I* am your father."  "WTF?" } } "You talkin' to me?  Well, I'm the only one here.  WTF?" } } "WTF?  Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son." } } "Hey! Is this heaven?"  "No, it's Iowa."  "WTF?" } } "WTF, make my day." } } "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!  WTF?" } } "You want the moon?  Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso } around it and pull it down. Hey, that's a pretty good idea. I'll } give you the moon, Mary."  "WTF?" } } "WTF?  You can't handle the truth!" } } "There's no crying in baseball!  WTF?" } } "My Mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates; you never } know what you're gonna get.'  WTF." } } "WTF!  These go to 11." } } "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges. I don't } have to show you any stinkin' badges!  WTF!" } } "WTF.  Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she } walks into mine." } } "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.  WTF?" } } "WTF.  I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse." } } "Frankly, my dear, WTF?" } } You owe the Oracle some soap for his mouth.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > How is the secret Masonic handshake performed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Through the years, Motzart's "Secret Masonic Handshake" (W.o.O 27) has } been performed in a number of ways. Usually, a full symphony orchestra } is used. (The London Symphony Orchestra recently perfomed this piece } for the Queen, in fact.) Sometimes, a different setting allows for a } chamber orchestra or even a double string quartet to play it. } } However, never again should it be performed as you recently attempted } it: for disco group and kazoo. } } You owe the Oracle some noise-cancelling headphones for the brain; I } can't get the sound out of my head.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How may I best fight both discrimination and reverse discrimination?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fight discrimination by confronting it wherever you meet it.  It is not } necessary to fight noitanimircsid because people can't even pronounce } it. } } You owe the Oracle a rorrim.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie, my name is Ape Foxman, professional victim. > > I find Charlton Heston's description of my planet as a > "mad house" totally offensive! I don't care if it was a > metaphor! What do I have to do with metaphors! And how much > political capital will I be able to make out of this, > provided I whine loud enough?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Metaphors are very much like similes (not to be confused with smilies, } which are something else:), except the connection is drawn more } abstractly. They are generally not true in literal terms, but are } intended to convey a sense of a higher (or lower) truth. You'll find } them both in poetry and in politics. } } Exempli gratia prima: } } "The moon was a landlord's daughter." } } (The moon may have resembled a landlord's daughter, but it would have } been exceeding difficult for any landlord to have fathered the moon. } The mind boggles. The fathering equipment are frankly frightened.) } } Exempli gratia secunda: } } "My worthy opponent from Idaho..." } } (The opponent is actually not worthy, but merely yet another of the } scoundrals who infest politics. Indeed, the person speaking is also a } scoundral, having deliberately said "Idaho" when the Senator in } question was from Iowa. His hope in referring to his opponent as worthy } is that some of that fake worthiness will fall gently upon himself. The } major metaphor, naming Idaho in place of Iowa, is intended to disparage } Iowa as being even worse than it is. Or perhaps to disparage both } states as equally worse than each other.) } } The political capital of Idaho is Boise, not Des Moines. Neither city } is pronounced in French. } } You owe the Oracle guided tours of Lewiston and of Iowa City, the } original state capitals.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Doubly happy Oracle, I hold your teeth at arm's length and don't get > caught. > > Why can't I ever seem to make any money? I work hard every day > shoveling all the poop my horses make, but all I have more of is horse > poop. How can I make my hard work pay off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} shippooptoyourenemies.com } } You owe the Oracle some stock options.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello. You have never met me. My name is Honk Studley. Most people do > not know what to do with my name. First, they think that Honk should > be Hank. It is not. Additionally, they are terribly embarrassed by the > family name, "Studley." My father, Bonk Studley, formerly named > Throckmorton P. Throckmorton, invented the name, and it served him > well, as he worked to service half of humanity (all of them being > women). I have so many half-brothers and half-sisters I'd never be > able to count them all. > > I am unable to live up to my father's expectations, owing to my > diminutive honker. My small nose aptly reflects my other tiny > attribute. Women who laugh at me or make derisive comments have not > helped. > > Can you think of a name I can use that will improve my chances in > life? I'm almost about to rename myself Throckmorton P. Throckmorton > so that I can die with some small amount of dignity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can suggest Hillary Rodham as a replacement name.  That exact name } is not in current use, and it seemed to give its previous holder } sufficient dignity despite the curse of a grievously small willy. } } Or, on a vaguely related note, I might propose the moniker Lewinsky. } } You owe the Oracle a stud finder.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Unwashed but Unclean Oracle, you know so much stuff that you cannot > avoid filth. Indeed, you possess the greatest collection of stuff no > one ever really should have seen that anyone has ever seen. Or hasn't > seen. > > How do you go about sorting out the dross from the swill, the cruft > from the poubelles, the scheiss from the basura?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's no real secret.  In any of the pairs you named, I see enough } of both in this line of work that by now I can separate one from the } other at a glance. } } It isn't important, anyway.  If I make a mistake during separation, so } what?  As you seem to agree, it's all just either rubbish or crap. } } Here are some things I consider more important to separate correctly } and consistently. } } Wheat from the chaff.  Basically, you look for the bits that are wheat. } The rest is the chaff.  A loaf of the wrong kind of bread will convince } you to err on the side of deciding "chaff" each time you are in doubt. } This is good advice in the metaphoric sense of the cliche as well. } } Egg yolk from the white.  It's all in the wrist. } } Sheep from the goats.  Novices assume you can tell by whether it is } horny or not.  But the expert will know that sheep are the ones whose } tails exhibit erectile dysfunction. } } Men from the boys.  Erectile dysfunction is a less certain indicator } here.  Go carefully in any case, my friend. } } Fact from fiction.  This is important if you want to make money as an } author, because 90% of all book sales are non-fiction.  You want to } carefully separate the fact from the fiction because you don't want } to accidentally get any fact into your non-fiction writing.  Use only } 100% pure fiction, then slap "non-" in front of it. } } Fools from their money.  Now THAT is an art, and I ain't tellin'. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Shinola.  And don't try to substitute the } other stuff.  I'll know.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm trying to learn more about China. I asked you last year who is the > president of China and you said Yes. > > That sounded silly, so I asked you again, and you said, "Yes Hu is the > president of China?" > > This is getting nowhere. I wouldn't be surprised it I asked you 7 times > 13 for you to say 28. > > I think you meant "Guess who is the president of China?" > > I don't know who's the president of China!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reminds me of when Lisa and I were first dating but not yet } exclusively.  I became a little jealous when I found out she had } gone to a movie with someone. } } "Did he get to First Base with you?" } } "Who hasn't." } } "Excuse me, what?" } } "Well sure, and Second Base too if you must know, but you're not } going to fault a girl for wanting to have a little fun, are you?" } } "I don't know." } } "THIRD BASE!" } } "Now I'm afraid to say anything else." } } Of course it was all just a big misunderstanding.  The guy I saw } her with was Hu, and she had dated a gentleman named Watt a few } weeks before I met her, while Idunno was her long-time boyfriend } in high school.  So we patched things up. } } It wasn't until later I discovered she had appeared in a video } with Hot Rod Elce. } } Anyway, I hope you find it interesting to learn that Lisa once } dated the president of China, even if there was no congress. } } You owe the Oracle the memoirs of William Alexander Abbott.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Feeling funny, punk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Feeling punny.  Funk.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a good strategy for the psychological game Mafia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've never played - omniscience ruins a good many party games - but } having scanned the rules I'd say the best strategy is peeking during } the time everyone's supposed to have their eyes closed.  That's } cheating, you say?  Hey, the game is called MAFIA for goodness sakes. } Just consider yourself to be running your own private crime syndicate. } } You owe the Oracle a bodyguard.