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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's Friday night and the small glass of wine did not ease the > boredom.  What next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try the carton of milk that has been aging in the back of your fridge } for the past two years. For bonus points, have your roommates down a } shot of that too. I guarantee an experience unlike that of a typical } Friday night. } } You owe the oracle a date.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi Orrie, we're three ghosts. The government will take all > Scrooge's money to pay for Obamacare, but Tiny Tim won't make > the cut when his case comes before the rationing board, so > he's ending up wormfood. > > So do we still have to appear to Scrooge? On the one hand, > the government's already to compelled him to do his duty. > But OTOH nothing will come of it, so we kinda still feel > obligated to do something to him. Please advise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you are referring to the upcoming remake of the Dickens classic, } retitled "A Christmas Colonoscopy".  I've seen the synopsis. } } The Ghost of US Health Care Past: this one depicts young Scrooge } bartering a chicken for a flu shot, with wacky results. } } The Ghost of US Health Care Present: this one scares Scrooge with } arguments that amount to one worst case scenario ("all the money") } and the opposite worst case ("rationing to the extreme") with the } implication they are tied together.  This segment is filmed in } black and white; no shades of gray. } } The Ghost of US Health Care Future: unfortunately the tableau this } ghost presents is pretty much the same as for Health Care Present, } complete with the same strawman arguments repeated ad nauseam no matter } what legislation is enacted.  Roget Ebert pointed out the segment is } weak because it borrows so directly from Bill Murray's "Groundhog Day" } but without any of the humor. } } Scrooge wakes up and finds out it was a dream while he was under } the anesthetic for his outpatient procedure.  He vows to dump all } his Tea Party literature and to treat his fellow man better.  A very } unbelievable ending; what's more in character is that he'd drift } back to smugness and idle ranting in a week or two, once the biopsy } comes back negative. } } You owe the Oracle a high horse, after first getting down off it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, I've got a problem. It's about poop. Or poo. Or faeces, or > whatever name you choose. It's something we all produce, except maybe > the Pope. > > There's the immense beachball-shaped guy in our dorm, over 150 kg. > People assume a lot of inconsiderate assumptions about him. Like when > the Porcelain Sanitary Euphemism gets stopped up, they all assume he > did it. Big guy, lots of food, big turds. Makes sense. But it's wrong. > > How do I know? I'm the cuplrit, the Real Clogger, even though I'm only > 54 kg. He's as innocent as whatever. > > Should I confess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Don't give up.  Just keep plugging away. } } You owe the Oracle an air freshener.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I gave up smoking, gambling and nail biting and now a nun is > suing me for assault and battery! What's going on???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Looks like you should have given up two more things while you were at } it. } } You owe the Oracle something black and white and red all over.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > What should I take with me? I'm off to live in a dorm for > the first time ever.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, going off to college. Why, I remember when I was your age.... } [screen goes wavy] STOP THAT! No flashbacks! The supplicant didn't ask } for any flashbacks! } } Right, now, where were we. Ah, yes. Well, your college should give you } a list of things to bring, and things not to bring. Understand, dear } supplicant, that these lists are merely guides. Here are some } additional tips: } } DO: Bring clothes. Even if the dorm is "clothing-optional", shall we } say, there are times you will want to exercise that option. } DON'T: Bring closers. Your door will be equipped with one. } } DO: Bring a coffee pot. You will not always want to drag yourself down } to the cafeteria. } DON'T: Bring a coffee gun. These are unsafe in the close confines of a } dorm room. } } DON'T: Bring a microwave. There will be plenty of them around as it is. } DO: Bring a nuclear reactor. Because everyone else in the dorm will } bring their computers, book readers, microwaves, air conditioners, } space heaters, cell phone chargers, televisions, radios, curling } irons, hair dryers, and electric cattle prods, you will find the local } power supply to be stretched to its limit, especially as your dorm, in } particular, was wired for power by Mr. Edison himself. } } DON'T: Bring a death ray, as these make people nervous, and you will } have problems making friends. } DO: Bring a flashlight, for when the nuclear reactor goes offline. } } But above all, } DON'T: bring a w**dch*ck, as I'd hate for you to give any ideas to } your dormmates. } } You owe the Oracle a 4.0 GPA.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise oracle....what should i have for breakfast this > morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Breakfast eh? Let's see... } } --- } You are in a well equipped kitchen. There are cupboards filled with } food, a glass-fronted fridge containing a selection of cheeses and } wine, and the window looks out onto a beautiful garden. } } There is a note on the kitchen table } There is a rolling pin on the kitchen table } There is a flapjack on the kitchen table, still in its plastic wrapping } } > OPEN CUPBOARD } } The cupboard is locked } } > OPEN OTHER CUPBOARD } } The other cupboard is locked } } > OPEN FRIDGE } } The fridge is locked } } > READ NOTE } } "Feeling hungry? Tough!" } } > JUMP } } You jump up and down in a rage like a spoiled child } } > TAKE ROLLING PIN } } Taken. } } > TAKE FLAPJACK } } Taken } } > EAT FLAPJACK } } Ewwww, flapjack! No thanks! } } > NORTH } } You are in the garden. The delicate scent of lavender is in the air, } and the hedges are immaculate. } } Fluffykins, the neighbour's cat is here } } > TAKE FLUFFYKINS } } Fluffykins doesn't like being picked up } } > HIT FLUFFYKINS WITH ROLLING PIN } } Are you sure you want to do that? } } > YES } } Fluffykins explodes, destroying the house, the neighbourhood, the city } and incidentally you as well. You got what you deserved, you horrible } horrible person - wasn't the flapjack enough for you? } } You have scored (0/100) } --- } } Apparently you're going hungry this morning, supplicant. } } You owe the Oracle a cat that looks exactly like Fluffykins

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No it wasn't; why do you ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most Brainy and Brilliant Oracle, } } I can't remember - was my time machine switched off before I went to } bed last night?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Straight up, now tell me: Do you really want to love me forever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Straight up, I really wanted to love you forever. } } Now, not so much. } } You owe the Oracle a cigarette.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Crime doesn't pay; when it does, it's called something more > respectable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah: politics.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most graciuos, I ask ye this. > > Is El Taco Loco going to hire the "where's the beef?" lady to > capitalize on the Taco Bell meat rumour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Given that she's dead, they'd be crazy to. Of course, since they are } "El Taco Loco", they will indeed hire the late Clara Peller. The } advertising campaign will be tragic. In fact, it already was. } } First, Ms. Peller, being dead, will fail to appear for the first } shooting. After consulting with a lawyer and several psychics, the ad } agency will move the shoot to Peller's grave. The taco she was } originally going to inspect -- and query the beef content of -- will } be placed on the grave, where it will be stolen by a rabid raccoon. } The first grip, fighting the raccoon for the taco, will be bitten and } contract rabies. } } Unfortunately, he will then go mad and break into a physics library. } The postdocs will tell him to "get a grip"; however, this advice will } not work due to the weakness of the pun. The rabid grip will steal the } prototype of a time machine, and travel back to the year 1989. } } He will then set up an automated e-mail program which, at random } intervals, sends e-mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu . These messages will } vary in details, but their questions will all be the same: "How much } w**d would a w**dch*ck ch*ck...." } } When El Taco Loco is asked where they got the idea for the advertising } campaign, they will name you. } } You owe the Oracle a massive apology for this timeline.