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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, last time you said that my intellect was soon going to surpass > even your own.  Well, it's happened.  Your mind has been eclipsed by > mine. > > I don't need anything from you anymore.  Have a nice life.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's about time! Sheesh, what were you doing, watching Buffy } reruns? } } Well, anyway, you're here at last. I'm really glad you agreed to take } over for a while, Lisa and I have been waiting for this vacation for } months. Here's the list of what needs to be done... I know you don't } need it, being omniscent and all, but I find it helps to have something } to focus on. Lets just go through it quickly, make sure everything } makes sense... } } Okay, the requests arrive continually of course, but I find it easiest } to just do a batch every couple of hours, starting at ten. You can } start a bit earlier of course, since you won't have to cuddle Lisa for } half the morning. Don't forget to feed Zadoc beforehand, else he'll be } pestering you half way through. } } I do a stint twice a week writing questions for Jeopardy, but that } doesn't take up too much time... mostly I just recycle supplicant } questions after cleaning them up a bit. Don't let any sneak through } about... well, you know... the creatures with the... tree flesh... } hurling... else we'll have another global memory-altering incident like } in nineteen eighty five. The priests were working doubletime on that } one, I don't have to tell you, eh? Eh? Hehehehe. } } If there's an invasion of the... er, you know... aforementioned } creatures... just pull this cord here. I had this installed after last } time. It pulls up the drawbridge over the lava moat, and puts the } automatic gun turrets online around the walls. The system tests were } very successful, although we have to had a priest recruitment drive. } You might want to consider sending out a message on the PA system } before turning it on. } } Anyway, that's about it, really. } } Oh, before I forget... heh... here's the master Zot stick, you'll need } that, here's the password to the main inbox, see you in a lifetime! } } Run, Lisa, quickly! Before he catches on! Free, we're free!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Blunder here. T. Internet Blunder, grand-nephew of Phineas T. Bluster. > (I'm told I'm not as nice a guy as my great-uncle was, but who ever is?) > > Well, what are you waiting for? That was my question. It was a grovel > and question in one. > > "... but who ever is?" IS a question. > > Please be so kind as to favour me with an answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not much of a grovel, but yes it's a question. } } First, it's important to distinguish great uncles from the other } kinds. } } Downright bad uncles: }    Uncle Monty, of the Series of Unfortunate Events }    Uncle Vernon, Harry Potter's annoying guardian }    Uncle Junior, who taught Tony Soprano way too much } } Mediocre uncles: }    Uncle Leo, Jerry Seinfeld's relative who made Kramer look sane }    Uncle Fester, Gomez Addams's lightbulb tester }    Uncle Vanya, who wasted his life and then got all sad about it } } Good uncles: }    Uncle Ben, who raised Spiderman from a larva }    Uncle Ben, a different gentleman who invented rice }    Uncle Pennybags, who invented board games like Monopoly } } Great uncles: }    Uncle Remus, who invented storytelling }    Uncle Miltie, who invented television }    Uncle Sam, unless you're a Commie or a moderate or something } } It's tough to be as nice as a true great-uncle, but you can be } as nice as a good uncle and if you set your sights just a bit } lower you can be much nicer than a mediocre uncle. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When are those cows EVER going to come home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When pigs fly. } } You owe it to the Oracle to hold your horses.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, if the myths are true, apparently Canadians turn everything into > questions, eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} what myth?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know what stinks about this anonymity?  I can't thank someone for > brightening my day unless I get lucky or something.  Oh well.  Thanks > anyway, whoever you are.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's hoping you get lucky tonight as well. } } I thought maybe I was the only one who had noticed a definite increase } in quality of the responses from this service.  The answers seem to } have a good deal more thought put into them than in times past; the } wordplay is sharper; memes, when used, are judiciously worked into the } overall fabric of the answer; and there is often an amusing twist at } the end, buttressed by the YOTO tagline being germane to the topic at } hand. Somehow, The Internet Oracle has really been taken to a new } level. } } I think it dates to when I began incarnating on a regular basis.  Glad } you seem to be enjoying the results. } } You owe the Oracle a slice of humble pie.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I know if I'm ready?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If Willing and Able show up and greet you like an old friend, it's } a pretty strong sign. } } You owe the Oracle a can-do attitude.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, I need a better Facebook picture, this one makes me look like a > dork.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are some simple steps to have a Facebook picture akin to all the } "popular" people: } 1.) Pull the duck face, because nothing says, "I'm not a tard" like a } mush-mouth. } 2.) Look like a total slut. } 3.) Surround yourself with a bunch of d-bags at a party and take the } picture with them, just to show how popular your vacuous life is. } 4.) Take a black and white photograph of yourself, preferably next to a } bare tree or reflective pond, to show how deep, reflective, and } afflicted you are. } 5.) Do the above, only make it even more artsy with cheap symbolism in } it to be super cool. } 6.) Take the picture with your phone, but do it while standing in front } of a mirror. This not only ensures the best quality, but also prevents } awkward camera angles, your head/eyes from being strangely turned to } the side, and another object from being in the picture to distract the } viewer's eye. } } Or you could just snatch a photo of a model from Google Images. That's } a safe fallback.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fluffy but sturdy Oracle, able to be all things to everyone, I need > help for this coming semester's mathematics class. We are going to > study, so I have been told, imaginary numbers. I think that sounds very > exciting, and better than the boring arithmetic and algebra we have had > up to now. I asked my Uncle Parn about imaginary numbers, and he says > they are terms like "squillion" and "gazillion" that you use when you > need a big number, like awwfully huge, but you really don't know how > big. > > He couldn't say, he said, which was bigger, a squillion or a gazillion. > > You'll know, for sure. Which is bigger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither one.  And a Brazillian is bigger than either of them anyway, } seeing as it has ten letters to their nine. } } But none of these is an imaginary number.  Imaginary numbers involve } the root of -1, denoted by "i".  Brazillian, squillion and gazillion } each have two i's which cancel each other out (well, that still } leaves a -1 for the bean-counters to contend with). } } So numbers such as five and six turn out to be the imaginary ones. } Think about it, when you were five or six years old, didn't you have } a lot better imagination than you do now at fourteen?  I'm not even } sure you really existed in any meaningful sense of the word when you } were those ages - kids that age are totally imaginary.  Warning, } things are about to become weird again when you turn fifteen next } year and discover girls. } } Squire root of 2 is also imaginary (also often misspelled).  It seems } plausibly real, but you can verify this on your calculator by letting } it compute a value for sqrt(2) and then multiplying that result times } itself.  Won't be 2!  QED.  As a corollary, no right triangles exist } unless they have very special and rare side lengths such as (3,4,5) } and (5,12,13) and (squillion, gazillion, brazillian) - all the other } supposed triangles have a teeny tiny gap right there way up at the } top where things don't quite fit like your geometry teacher would } have you believe.  It's for reasons like this that my house doesn't } sit straight on its foundation, or at least that's how my contractor } explained it to me. } } Needless to say, Pi and its unruly gang of random digits is wholly } imaginary, except in the state of Indiana where a bill was once } introduced in the legislature to make it 3. } } By contrast, the similar looking number "e", 2.718..., is not an } imaginary number.  There's no "i" in it, obviously.  It's just an } impossible number: it'll show up in your Physics or Engineering } classes in college and will be just about impossible to deal with. } } Anyway, you'll enjoy your math class.  Imaginary numbers are a lot } more fun to study than the real ones are.  You can just close your } eyes and imagine whatever numbers you want, and if you add two } of them you can have the answer be whatever you want, so long as } there's one 'i' in it, like "five" or "ninety" or "unicorn". } You'll also be allowed to color outside the lines, on your homework. } } Beware though, your teacher will probably try and sneak "complex" } numbers into the discussion at some point; who needs that???  If } you stand your ground, you can work it so that you only have to } deal with nice easy imaginary numbers, and maybe even forget about } the messy real ones forever. } } You owe the Oracle a squillion gazillions.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hurricane. Avert.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go outside and start spinning, or running in tight circles, in a } clockwise direction with several of your friends.  According to } scientists(*) this will negate the forces of the coming hurricane } and save your community. } } You owe the Oracle an industrial grade pinwheel. } } (*)This statement has not been evaluated(**) by the Food and Drug } Administration. } } (**)And why should they?  OSHA is in charge of the weather, or } maybe it's NIMH, I forget.  But they still make us say that.(***) } } (***)This space intentionally left blank.  They make us say that, } too.  Sometimes I say it, but omit the blank, just to see if they } are paying attention.(****) } } (****)Hold on, there's someone at the door.  BRB.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There were two kings around the year 870, Charles the Bald and Charles > the Fat. We just studied them in history class. Or at least we were > supposed to read about them. > > It's the same problem with all the Popes and all the Kings. They have > too many names that are the same, like Charles and Leo. I never know > which one is which. > > How can I tell the difference between Charles the Bald and Charles the > Fat? > > (I do know that they both weren't King John the XXIIIrd.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For that matter, who can remember whether it was Babe Dahlgren or Babe } Adams who hit all those home runs?  Such lore tends to get lost in the } mists of time. } } But better differentiation of names wouldn't really help.  US } Presidents Rutherford B. Hayes and John Tyler don't have very similar } names and yet I'll be damned if I can remember which one was } responsible for the Teapot Dome scandal and which one discovered } Alaska.  And while everyone knows George Washington freed the slaves, } was it Franklin Fillmore or Mildred Pierce who brought slavery to the } south in the first place? } } And that's from just fifty years ago, so don't worry too much about } these dudes from a thousand years back.  They didn't bother to belabor } the "Holy" part of that whole HRE business, and individually their main } accomplishments were about the same as one another, sitting on thrones} } and catching bubonic inquisition, getting enmeshed in sexual hijinks of } one sort or another that would get hushed up by starting a war or } starting a war or starting a war.  (They weren't terribly creative back } then, nowadays we... come to think of it, things are exactly the same.) } } Well, to answer your specific question, the Bald one had hair (overly} } much so, kind of like how you call the dumb kid in school "Einstein") } while the Fat one had epilepsy (which doctors initially misdiagnosed as } demonic possession, no doubt leading to malpractice lawsuits).  So it } may help to think of them as they were referred to in their own time, } The Creature and The Spazz respectively. } } You owe the Oracle some time on the throne, plus some reading material.