Goto:

1489, 1489-01, 1489-02, 1489-03, 1489-04, 1489-05, 1489-06, 1489-07, 1489-08, 1489-09, 1489-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, Orrie, Hallelujah! > The spoof goes marching on! > > Got any more Oracular hymns for me?  Preferably originals, but they > don't have to be; they can just fake it well, for all I care.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You might try singing The Marines' Hymn to the tune of Clementine, and } vice-versa. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to do this only in the shower and far, far } away from the Oracle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, not that I doubt you, but prove it anyway; it would make the > understanding easier.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right. Of course. } } Okay, hold up one finger on your right hand. NO, NOT THAT FINGER! } Idiot. } } Good. The index finger. } } Count the number of fingers you are holding up. Got that? It's ONE, } right? } } Now do the same with your left hand. } } GEEEEZZZ, DO YOU HAVE TO DO THE SAME STUPID STUFF EVERY TIME? } } Good. The left index finger. } } Count the number of fingers you are holding up. Got that? It's ONE } again, right? } } Now hold up both those fingers, and count how many fingers are up. } } Did you get TWO? } } Thus endeth the proof that one plus one is two. Tomorrow we'll be } working in balanced ternary, base 3, using the trigits b (for 1), p } (for -1) and o (for zero). It's called the "bop" system, from the } representation for the number 8. We will observe negation by inversion } about the horizontal axis. } } You owe the Oracle a negative finger.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did aliens eat Rod's homework?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's a dirty job and no natural born } citizens were willing to do it. } } You owe the Oracle a green card.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I see a politically conservative Englishman then am I a dome with > a telescope inside?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you would be an observatory.  To save you some trouble, } here are some more of the same ilk. } } If your mother's sister set fire to a politically conservative } Englishman she would be antiinflammatory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman took a college class } for no credit he would be auditory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman collected severed } penises of Nicaraguan rebels of the 1980s he would be } contradictory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman did away with all the } medicines in tablet format he would be a depilatory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman perished in a car } crash he would be a directory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman used to be a marine } bivalve mollusk but not anymore he would be exclamatory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman was in possession of } verifiable truths he would be a factory. } } If a man named Harold was running amok inside the body of a } politically conservative Englishman he would be hallucinatory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman was taken as a slave } by another man he would be history. } } If a politically conservative Englishman was at the same time } politically liberal he would be a laboratory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman was an expert on } volcanic activity he would be a lavatory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman played a style of } rhythmic soul music with a kitten doing the vocals he would } be perfunctory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman liked to indulge in } boisterous festivities he would be revelatory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman paid respect to his } military superior officer he would be salutatory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman took a brief break } during a meal he would be a suppository. } } If a politically conservative Englishman were a looped cotton } fabric he would be a territory. } } If a politically conservative Englishman were named Vic he } would be victory. } } You owe the Oracle compensatory damages for this circumlocutory.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I play it safe and ask the plain but nice girl to > the homecoming dance, or should I throw caution to the > wind and ask the slutty cheerleader?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I should tell you right off that you should never throw Caution to the } wind.  Caution is a mean dog and would probably bite your hand off if } you try. } } Now, that said, there are many possibilities for who to ask to a } homecoming dance, depending on what troubles you may encounter.  Only } the Oracle can sort out the possibilities to find the best mate for } you. } } 1.  What if you have a flat tyre?  This is a common scenario for any } homecoming.  The slutty cheerleader seems to be the obvious choice } since she could get the nearest man to change the tyre for her, } however the nearest man is most likely you.  The plain but nice girl, } on the other hand, has farming experience and can change it herself. } Score for the plain but nice girl. } } 2.  What if you get into an argument with an arts student?  This is a } common scenario for any homecoming.  The plain but nice girl may be a } black belt in ninja, but that doesn't help against the inane drivel of } an arts student.  The slutty cheerleader has a secret obsession with } Nietzsche and will convince the arts student that life has no meaning } and should be ended by suicide.  Score for the slutty cheerleader. } } 3.  What if you get bitten in the leg by a snake?  This is a common } scenario for any homecoming.  In this situation the slutty cheerleader } will use her surprisingly developed throat muscles to suck out the } poison, and then use rags ripped from the t-shirt of the dead arts } student to tie off the leg and cut off the poison's circulation. } Score for the slutty cheerleader. } } 4.  What if the homecoming gets attacked by soviet agents dressed as } clowns?  This is a common scenario for any homecoming.  I swear, the } exact same thing happened at the homecoming of one of my priests. } } The soviet agents will strike with three vectors.  Through the front } door, through the side window and through the roof.  Minutes before } they strike the slutty cheerleader will get a phone call. } } "Oui?" you hear through the music.  You see her speak softly into the } phone before she looks at you and says "We must go." } } As you're fleeing she will look at you and say "There's something I } haven't told you about me.  I'm secretly an agent for the French } Intelligence."  Shivers creep down your spine as she withdraws a gun } from between the folds of her dress. } } A shout comes from the front door.  "We must go through the back!" } shouts the slutty cheerleader, running with your hand in hers, } stepping over the dead body of the arts student. } } As you walk through the back door a car pulls up.  "Mademoiselle!" } the driver shouts.  "I'm so sorry I'm late.  I had a flat tyre. } Luckily a plain but nice girl who didn't have a dance for homecoming } was there to help change it for me!" } } The slutty cheerleader looks into your eyes and says "thank you for } asking me to the dance."  She gives you a slight kiss on the lips } before entering the car.  You will never see her again, but for the } rest of your life you will never forget that kiss. } } If you were with the plain but nice girl she will try to fight the } agents but, through numbers and force, will fail.  The both of you } will get beaten up before being sent home.  She will be so angry that } she will have rough sex with you.  Score for the plain but nice girl. } } What?  It's a draw?  Damnation.  Just call an escort agency and be done } with it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the highest intelligence I hope you can answer this question > for me. > > Why is "W" not a vowel in the English language like while it is in > other languages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You start from an incorrect premise.  Words such as "now" } involve "w" acting together with the vowel "o" similarly } to how a vowel like "u" would act with "o" in "couch".  As } the saying goes, if it walks like a duck and squawks like a } duck... hey look, "squawks" is another example. } } The very name, "double u", might be a tipoff that there is } a vowel aspect to it.  You also could notice how the letter } operates inside the word "vowel" itself.  OK, so maybe you } are pulling the Oracle's leg, which is not as omniscient as } his other body parts and can thus be tricked.  But I shall } continue... } } The letter "W" is like "Y" in that it can operate also as a } consonant.  Words like "walks" (or "words") have the letter } taking this role.  You occasionally see a word like "awkward" } or "wow" that contains the letter playing both its roles in } turn. } } Now and then the letter is silent, such as in "answer" or in } frequent combination with "r" such as in "write", leaving } debatable whether it is consonant or vowel if it is doing so } little on its own.  I suppose a letter that is overworked in } various ways has to find these little opportunities to take } a relaxing break. } } These are examples of why the letters of the alphabet should } have formed a trade union many centuries ago, to establish } work rules that would prevent double duty of certain letters } while other letters languish from under-use. } } You owe the Oracle overtime wages for this response.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, word has reached me that you hired a priest, and fired him the next > day.  Exactly what happened?  Except for the part that your omniscience > was not working at the time when you hired him, of course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hired him based on glowing recommendations and an appropriate } demeanor that I felt would fit in with the rest of the priesthood, } and then on the very first day he turned around and started } approving only the funniest submissions as Oracularities.  I had } no choice, of course, but to let him go. } } Turns out Ben Stein is a professional comedian.  Who knew? } } You owe the Oracle a null answer to a woodchuck question, or vice } versa.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can hear the snoring of a gnat deep > inside a cave halfway around the world even before the gnat > falls asleep, > > Is it dangerous to get someone else's earwax inside my own ear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it's very unsafe, you can get hearing aids! } } Always buy your own earwax.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I the biggest idiot the world has ever known?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. Fenton W. Barnswallow was. He was so stupid he tried to swallow a } barn, just to live up to his name. He almost succeeded. He's dead, of } course. } } You owe the Oracle a fly, a spider, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow, and a } horse. Other intermediately sized animals are optional.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, did he say "grow up" or was it "throw up"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If he was a birthday clown, it was "blow up." If it was on the grassy } knoll, it was "mow up." If he was the vice principal, it was "show up." } If he was a Starbuck's barrista, it was "joe up." If he was on a creek } without a paddle, it was "row up." If he was an anti-gravity physicist } it was "flow up." If he was Australian, it was "snow up." If he was a } rhyme-impaired stockbroker, it was "Dow up."  If he was a pizza chef, } it was "dough up." If het was Charlemagne, it was "bow up," or "arrow } up," or "crossbow up." If he was the prince of light, it was "go up." } If he was the prince of darkness, it was "no up." } } You owe the Oracle your eternal gratitude that your question has been } answered by the author of 783-10 which says, in part, "Yes, it does } snow in Australia.  It's just that it's warm snow and it falls up."