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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do for Earth Day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At least you're asking the right question.  Far too many times I've } had to say, "Ask not what Earth Day can do for you - ask what you } can do for Earth Day!".  Your question shows a high degree of } enlightenment. } } Do one of the following: } } TOP TEN THINGS TO DO FOR EARTH DAY } } 10. Sue a multinational corporation } 9. Get naked and run through the streets of New York } 8. Capture a small, furry animal (no, wait, that's for groundhog day!) } 7. Plant kudzu } 6. Capture George Bush } 5. Get really, really stoned } 4. Save water by refusing to wash for a month } 3. Dance in a Bacchinalian revel } 2. Revive an ancient earth cult } } and the number one thing to do for Earth Day... } } 1. Turn off this terminal for the day, go outside, and experience }    Nature as it was meant to be experienced: In an RV with a }    portable TV. } } You owe the Oracle a mathematical description of Earth's ecosystem.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, chief criminal of the ages, what is the most evil and > sinister way to earn $3.95?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awright, get your dictaphone out. } }    First, get a bucket of hot tar. Sneak into an elementary school, and } threaten to pour the tar on the cutest second-grade kid unless she gives } you a quarter. When you get the quarter, pour the tar on her anyway. }    Using the quarter, phone Prudential Insurance, and insure the Ronald } McDonald House for Badly Burned Orphan Drug Addicts. Insure it for the } amount of $2.70. (You'll have to pretend to be Ronald McDonald, or the } insurance agent will hang up on you.) After you hang up, blow up the } building, and search the rubble until you find the quarter. } }    Break into the US Pharmacopeia, and steal 10 grams of acetylethelyne } oxybichromate. This is a powerful hypnotic drug; it makes its victims } extremely suggestible. }    Pour the drug into the water supply of New York City. Spend two weeks } walking around, whispering "When you hear the word 'midnight', run out } of the room!" Say this to street people, businessmen, lawyers, yuppies, } preppies, New Age weirdos -- everybody. } }    Now you're ready. Go to Laguardia Airport. Walk up to where people } are waiting for a plane, and say loudly, "The eagle speaks with forked } tongue! The fat man walks at midnight!" You can expect at least half of } the people there to scream "MIDNIGHT?!?" and run out of the room. }    The other half will assume that the Illuminati Conspiracy is finally } coming to fruition, and run for cover. }    You can then board the airplane unopposed. Overpower the pilot } (whisper "midnight" to him, if you're bored) and shoot the copilot. Take } off, fly to the Ronald McDonald house, aim the plane at the house. Jump } out and let the plane crash. (Oh yes, steal a parachute. Did I mention } the parachute?) }    Collect the insurance. You now have $2.95. } }    For the last dollar, get a job with a US military contractor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On my 1990 census form, I claimed that six unmarried 20-year-old women, > all mixed Hispanic-Black-Polynesian, are living with me.  This is a lie. > Will I get in trouble?  How can I avoid getting in trouble?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see, that's not going to make much of a difference anyways. } According to my figures [ flip, flip, flip ] let's see here.... ah! } Here we go.  According to my figures - and this is 100% accurate, since } I'm omnicient, omnipotent, and a lot of other omni-type things - } there are 1,256,649 Hispanic-Black-Polynesian women living out } in the U.S. who will not fill out their forms, mainly because 28.4% } of them will not receive them, while at the same time, 62.56% of them } are illegal aliens. } } You, in your infinate wisdom, helped the census people come ever closer } to the the Oracle's ever-accurate figures by including those siz women. } to the Oracle's ever-accurate figures by including those six women. } } In fact, according to my calculations [ flip, flip, flip ] 197,442 other } men in the country will do exactly as you have done, bringing the } total figures to a near Oracle perfect match. } } Congratulations, on helping the census people.  You will be receiving } your cheque in the mail. } } You owe the Oracle postage.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do Father Christmas live?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Father Christmas do live up on top of the ground, } Up place where the raindeer are for to be found, } In snow place and blow place and ice place and cold, } With millions snow trolls he is for to hold. } He is for to make up with millions fun toy, } Which he is for to give to both Jewish and Goy. } Each Christmas he bondages raindeer what fly, } To his magic kill for to push through the sky. } They push it through rooftop and ceiling and wall, } All this for to bring you a new rubber ball.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I woke up today in the body of a donkey.  Did you have anything to do > with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  You just seem to have a natural talent for making an ass of } yourself.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, on the net, > Tell what makes my pussy wet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you send your little pussy out, on a stormy night, } With thunderings and lightningings to give an awful fright, } Your kitty will come crawling back, a poor bedraggled heap; } Dry him off, and give warm milk, and let him go to sleep.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> PROTOCOL:  Duquesne sweeps across the room, bows so that the tip of his > goatee sweeps the floor and the plume in his hat (in his hand) brushes > the ceiling. > > QUESTION:  Why am I constantly surrounded by fools and idiots and > sycophants? > > CODA:  Duquesne bows lower than before, and sweeps out as though pursued > by Furies presenting him a bill for their services.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ANSWER:  Quite simple, the furies are infuriated and Duquesne will soon } have his hands full trying to do the walls.  The idiots, fools, and } syncophants are only in your imagination.  In fact, reality is in your } imagination...  it just lacks vision. } } You owe the oracle the name of the comedian that wrote that line...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What for is flash computer screen just now at me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That "flash" was a highly compressed wetware virus; that is, a data } pattern carefully designed to ehco around in your brain cellls, getting } stronger and stornger as it reverberverates. } } Already it's interfering with the the normal operation of your brain, } causing dylsexia and selective aphasia. } } Very soon your abibbblty to read wil vanitssh entntrely; you wll then } pvrfss nfro a coma nnd die horrbbly s yr auututotmc nvrvrss systuuum } ssssts dyyyzn. } } Yyy owwe ythhr Orccvvf a lgkgk dfruyyxxc.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For that matter, what does "fnord" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} } } } } } } } in addition, } } } } } } } } }       I hope you understand. }       You owe the Oracle a pot of rabbit stew.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise oracle... > > why is RFC822 so STUPID?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long, long ago, in the land of Regneryblob, there lived a most } vulture-like prince, and his name was George Shrubbery.  And this George } Shrubbery was not as other men:  he was a most sullen and wrathful man, } and he lusted after the net.suppleness.goddess, but she refused him } again and again (saying each time that he was a sullen and wrathful } man), and slipping out of his grasp often and ever and anon.  Being } sullen and wrathful, Shrubbery cried out to the other net.deities for } help.  First he called to Morley, the net.death.god, but Morley was more } interested in killing Eleanor so that she would be seducible for a } change. } } Then Shrubbery called to John, the net.hat.god, begging him to put such } a large and amazing hat on Barbara that she could no longer put both } legs backwards behind her head, for the hat getting in the way, and so } could no longer elude him by this trick.  And John, being the } net.easily.persuaded.geek, constructed this hat out of handcuffs and } nematodes and bushes and mice and back problems, and the two of them hid } out behind the 180-190 GeV cyclotron to wait for Barbara.  But, as it } happened, Jill (the net.inconsistancy.goddess) looked an awful lot like } Barbara that day, and they stuck the hat on her head instead by mistake. } This was a problem for a while, until Jill changed her mind again. } } So, in great rage and much unhappiness, he called upon Jocko, the } net.resume.god.  And Jocko, being a kind-hearted soul, vastly modified } Barbara's resume without telling her, converting her degrees in physical } education and differential topology into electrical engineering.  And it } was she who designed this protocol, and (as you might expect) she who } twisted the wires. } } The Oracle has legended.  You owe the Oracle a new hat.