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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get my computer to run faster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No animated GIF backgrounds. } A bigger whip. } Compress your hard drive. } A steeper hill (down only). } Delete all the unused files, then defrag your hard drive. } More villagers with hot tar and feathers and pitchforks. } Turn off the virus scanner because it slows you down. } Torches. And not the British flashlight kind. } Get a good virus scanner because viruses slow you down. } Carbohydrate loading. } Windows 7--twice as fast as DOS 3.5. } Steroids. } Liquid nitrogen CPU cooler and a faster clock crystal. } Buy a Kenyan computer. } Stop wasting time asking the Oracle questions. } } You owe the Oracle a 4.77 MHz 8088 64 KB PC with two } 8" floppy drives and a monochrome monitor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is God on Tim Tebow's side? Will he eventually take his place beside > Samson, Joshua, and David? A spiritual giant, raised up by God to do > mighty deeds!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Believe it or not, God actually has little interest in American } football. God is an Anglican Who prefers Rugby Union, and does not } favour one player over another. He loves seeing all of them pile up } into one huge mess, covered with mud. God really enjoys mud (it's the } "stuff" from which He formed the earth), and thinks that pigs and } ruggers are two of His best creations. } } His fascination with pigs is, by the way, the reason He forbade Jews } and Muslims to eat pork, long ago. He worried that his dear pigs might } become extinct if eaten. He also does not want people to eat Rugby } players, but really, who would want to? Maybe a rugger. But ruggers } only eat other ruggers when already dead. In these latter days God } would tell the Jews and the Muslims that it was all right to eat pork, } but those groups (as well as the Catholics and the LDS) are not really } listening to Anglicans right now.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Garcon? > > Waiter? Hello? > > (stands up) WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME SERVICE HERE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to pull up to the next window, sir, there are several people } behind you. } } You owe the Oracle compensation equal to $10 more than the amount my } manager is taking out of my pay for taking so long with you.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you ever get a page on the facebook?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE INTERNET ORACLE } }      Orrie: }      mmmmm... sausages ;) } }          28,136 supplicants like this. }          View all 109,567 comments } }      RECENT ACTIVITY } }          Lisa has added 45 new photos to the album Oracular Follies. } }          Kendai is playing Grovelling World. } }      Orrie: }      mmmmm... pizza ;) } }          14,964 supplicants like this. }          View all 226,340 comments } }      Find friends: }      Zeus: Orrie and 5,685,332 other mutual friends }      Shiva: Orrie and 22,069,535 other mutual friends }      Loki: Orrie and 3 other mutual friends }      ............ } } Sort of like that, you mean? If I ever succumb, Zadoc has instructions } to kill me quickly and painlessly.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's with all the diarrhea questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You tend to get a run of them this time of year.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I invented a color once: gang green.  I don't actually know what it > looks like, but I know it can't be as healthy as other greens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You like puns, huh?  Sorry, but yours was only 2/3 of one: P.U. } } Q: What is the difference between a pun and a fart? } A: One is a shift of wit. } } OK, since you brought up "green": }    Patient: I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. }    Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. }    Patient: Is it common? }    Doctor: It's Not Unusual. } } You owe the Oracle a new pussycat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who deserves the very best and then some, how do I > tell if it's love and not some passing fancy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many differences between true Love and a mere } passing fancy. } } Love is more about the other person.  A passing fancy is } ultimately about yourself. } } Love becomes part of the fabric of your life.  A passing } fancy takes over your life, the way a forest fire takes } over a forest, and then it's suddenly over. } } Love sees the reality yet retains the ideal.  A passing } fancy causes you to cling to the ideal and deny the } reality. } } Love imagines life with the other person.  A passing fancy } makes you momentarily unable to imagine life without the } other person, until the first obstacle looms. } } Love causes you to follow the object of your affection } from the bus stop to her apartment, then hide in the bushes } the next morning in order to suddenly spring out with } declarations of undying devotion, which she coldly rebuffs, } and when I do it again the next morning to prove that I'm } not swayed by some obstacle she threatens that if I EVER do } this again she'll get a restraining order, and when I cry } and plead the next morning for just one more chance she says } that if I won't obey a restraining order then she'll just } bypass the courts and get her boyfriend and his buddies } to.... } } Ah, perhaps I have offered TOO keen an insight into Love, } with that last bit.  Let me try again. } } Love is patient and kind; Love is not jealous or boastful; } it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own } way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice } at wrong, but rejoices in the right.  Love bears all things, } believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. } Love never ends.  A passing fancy, by contrast, tends to } fade away shortly after the first threat of legal action. } } You owe the Oracle the name of a good lawyer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, Orrie, it is I, Og. Imagine! I've worked with you all these > years and never realized that you were an omniscient dispenser of > answers to questions! Well, I have a few questions of my own, and I'd > really appreciate it if you'd answer them: > > 1. Often in the winter months it's quite cold. Also when the meat is > left out raw it often goes bad very quickly. Is there some sun-like > source of heat that you could help me discover that could keep us warm > during the winter months, and put raw meat into a state in which it is > edible for a longer period of time? > > 2. I have a large crate which I use to transport stones and other > freight. But it is slow, hard work dragging it along in the ground. Is > there some clever invention that could be affixed to the bottom of the > crate so that it takes less effort to transport it from one location to > another? > > I really think it is in your best interests to help me. If you do not, > humans may not develop the technology to send you emails, and then > where would you be? > > All the best, > > Og

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good to hear from you, Og.  Certainly I can help with } both problems. } } 1.  The cold weather, and the spoilage of meat.  What I } recommend is to locate some very large stones, and use a } chisel to carve them into circular disks.  For example, } around 20 inches in diameter and 3 inches in width.  Also } carve holes, an inch or so wide, through the center.  Place } these disks on top of the meat; this keeps the air out, } preventing spoilage (don't place the meat right under the } center hole, though).  The exertion of carving these disks } will have the secondary effect of keeping your body warm, } as will the effort to lift a disk to obtain a portion of } meat for each meal. } } 2.  The transport of large crates.  Locate a flint rock, } and strike it against another rock, near which you have } placed dried leaves and twigs.  Doing this should throw } sparks, which will ignite the twigs.  Add larger pieces } of dried wood, until you have a roaring blaze.  Place the } crate in this, until it stops smoking.  While it will not } affect the stones you mention, most of the other contents, } as well as the crate itself, will weigh much less after } this procedure, making it far easier to transport. } } You owe the Oracle a cave drawing of Lisa taking a bath.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You have two cows....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha ha.  Then I'll only pay at a 15% Federal tax rate on } my second cow, which I'll rent out as an "investment", } while you middle-class one-cow families will have to } stay in the 25% or even 28% bracket on what you milk } for yourself.  Oh, it's good to have inherited wealth. } } You owe the Oracle cake.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> These accusations I come across are completely unfounded.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You certainly do.