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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most sanguine, > > I'd like to become a vampire. But can I do it without becoming a wimp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How to... become a vampire: } }  1. Cut garlic out of your diet. }  2. Learn to speak in a vaguely Eastern European accent. }  3. Get canine teeth extensions. }  4. Wear black. }  5. Get a cape and play peek-a-boo with strangers. }  6. Take all the help you can and never give anything back. }  7. Cut steak out of your diet, just to be on the safe side. }  8. Learn to insert contact lenses without using a mirror. }  9. Determine your blood type.  (It doesn't really matter for becoming }     a vampire.  It's just a good idea.) } 10. Stop going outside and use bleach for face wash. } 11. Start carrying smoke bombs and pet bats so that you can "turn into }     a creature of the night" at will. } 12. Develop a taste for pig blood.  Pigs are pretty close to humans, }     so if you ever get into the big time, you should be all set. } 13. Buy a huge castle and a suspiciously comfortable coffin. } 14. Live forever.  Honestly, the hard part is the first 120 years. }     After that, it's like falling off a log. } 15. One word: glitter. } } My guess is that you are getting tripped up over step #15.  Lots of } people associate pixie dust with pre-teen girls, but that's not the } right way to think about it.  Being a vampire is all about smoke and } mirrors: little, tiny, smoke-like mirrors. } } You owe the Oracle a pint.  Not that kind of pint!  A pint of bitter, } you buffoon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> MGM proudly presents: > > WHEN ZADOC MET LISA. > > A Rob Reiner Production.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DC Comics version out next week. Buy 70 gazillion copies. I'm getting } royalties. } } It's just fiction, remember. Princess Ann Droid is playing Lisa, and } YOU are Zadoc. Don't forget to mumble incoherently when asked a direct } question, not that you ever don't. } } Zadoc, stop making faces like that. The supplicant will only pretend to } be you. He'll fall on his own face, not yours.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think I need help in spelling or in fixing my computer. The spell > checker on my computer says that wierd is the wrong spelling and that > weird is correct, and that's wrong of course because it's supposed to > be I before E. > > I'd like to punch my computer in the byte, sometimes. Do you ever feel > that way, like when incarnations try to make you look religious or in > some other way stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoever violates the august rule of "I before E" } should have thier head examined. Iether your computer } was made in a foriegn country, or it uses a counterfiet } spellchecker. } } In your liesure time, lift a biege driedel to sufficeint hieght } and bring it down on the hienous machine, to riensure the riegn } of our language, and indeed of our speceis. } } You owe the Oracle a stien of Budwieser, served by a giesha } in a revealing piegnoir and dancing to a siesmic Lietmotiv.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since the Oracle won't die, nor rely on opinions more than facts, he's } okay with that. } } You owe the Oracle a Nine-Voltaire battery.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's either very young cheese or very old meat.  What's > your view?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the cirrrrrcle, the circle of li-i-i-ife. } } You owe the Oracle a king-sized portion.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I had a fun time at the Japanese festival; sorry you couldn't come.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was our parakeet's bowling night, plus I had to wash } the attic and align the gravel in my driveway, also I've } been a bit under the weather with all this weather we've } been having lately, and to top it all off it was my turn } to return the books we borrowed from the recycling plant. } Maybe another year. } } You owe the Oracle a note from his doctor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kinda fuel does the Oracle run on?  I was under the impression > that it was either jokes or questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I run on sentences you owe the Oracle an editor not the } software kind I want a real person thank you for your } attention in this matter.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Huburt Badbungle here. Huburt Vinton Badbungle, III. > > I know what you're thinking, "He's probably one of the Milkpenny > Badbungles, the ones who annoy me all the time with inane questions." > Well, it's not true. We do not know the Milkpenny Badbungles. Indeed, > we have never even heard of them. > > If you could change my name, what would you call me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Normally, I would probably just call you Grasshopper or Supplicant or } maybe something more degrading as payback for the lack of groveling. } But it is obvious, Mr. Badbungle... um, the third, that you're no } Milkpenny Badbungle and no ordinary supplicant.  So... what shall I } call you from now on, former-Mr. Badbungle III, hmm? } } oracle@cs.indiana-K53E:$ newname -l4 "Huburt Vinton Badbungle III" } ........... } Choice 1: } Uninhibited Loving Tuba Rub } keep name? (y/n): n } ...... } Choice 2: } Blurt Inuit Dubbing Ivanhoe } keep name? (y/n): n } ................ } Choice 3: } Gavin Intuition Duh Blubber } keep name? (y/n): n } ............. } Choice 4: } Uninhibited Loving Tuba Rub } keep name? (y/n): <hmm>  n } .... } Choice 5: } Auburn Deviling Hobbit Unit } keep name? (y/n): n } .................... } Choice 6: } Giovanni Bubblier Hindu Tut } keep name? (y/n): y } } Yes!  Absolutely.  I think that's as good as it will get Hubu... I } mean, Mr. Tut.  Or can I call you Giovanni? } } You owe the Oracle a rose by another name.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you joking me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hecks no, homey amigo.  I would give you never the } bad 411 infos.  That breasty girl over there, at the } other bottom of the tavern stools, she have been } give you the looking over, the up AND the down, all } tonights.  Most sincereful, I you tell, you should } go to her over, and buy her a drinks.  Who know, she } may Yes Yes your prepositions. } } You owe the Oracle a Foreigner-to-English dictionary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Q: What did Picasso say on his day off? } A: Hm, I'm drawing a blank. } } You owe the Oracle a palette of invisible inks.