} Lets see, your species is salmon, yes? So. Before you can even start to
} think about how many, you need to consider when and where. The when
} will become obvious to you in due course, thanks to an irresistible
} spawning urge that I'll switch on when it's most inconvenient for you.
} The where depends on how well you remember your own birth. Yes, that's
} right, you have to go back to the same spot where you started out in
} order to do this. Yes, that means swimming up stream, against the
} current. You'll have to navigate rapids, and dodge hungry bears the
} whole way. I recommend eating a hearty meal before setting out.
} Oh, and did I mention what this is going to do to your skin? Fresh
} water will slowly cause your skin to deteriorate. So the sooner you get
} to the area where you'll have your children, the better off you'll be.
} Sure, you'll still die within a few weeks after, but you'll have gotten
} the big family you've always dreamed about, no matter how briefly, and
} that's all that really matters, right?
} So. Once you get to your spawning area, you'll lay about 5000 eggs.
} Don't worry, this isn't as painful as it sounds! Just be thankful
} you're not human! 5-thousand-tuplets would be a bit hard to cope with!
} Especially at feeding time! And can you imagine the diapers!??!? Oh the
} horror! Then the males will come. They're not so much interested in you
} (so don't worry about how you look after your long swim) as much as
} they are in your eggs (besides, they just made the same trip and are
} not looking like Aquaman themselves). They'll come along and spray
} their fishy love juice over the eggs. Multiple males. It's sort of a
} crap shoot. Or a carp shoot. Or something. Whatever. . Then you cover
} up the eggs. Then you go lay another 5000 and repeat. You'll do this
} until you've managed to unload all the eggs your carrying, so expect
} this to take a while!
} Now, of course, thanks to the deterioration of your skin caused by the
} fresh water, you won't live to actually see your children hatch into
} little fishies, that valiantly make their way downstream (the easy
} trip) back to fresh water. But you can rest assured that you have made
} your contribution to the circle of life in a truly valiant manner. Even
} your death will have purpose, as, as you float slowly down stream,
} you'll more than likely be scooped up by some hungry bear cub and give
} him enough energy to go on living for a while.
} You owe the oracle a lifetime supply (my lifetime, not yours) of lox
} and sushi.