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15, 15-01, 15-02, 15-03, 15-04, 15-05, 15-06, 15-07, 15-08, 15-09, 15-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does God play dice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To quote Johannes Kepler speaking on his observations of the stars: } "Jeez!  What a setup!  The whole heavens are rolling about like a bunch }   of knucklebones in a cup!" } } Which is to say that as God created the heaven and earth, that so to } does God move them about as dice on a gaming table. } } Whilst no less an authority than St.  Thomas of Aquinas has said this of } God:  "The soul of man is the stake in a crap game between `the Big G' }   and `Scratch'.  Just hope that your point comes up." } } Which (in lay terms) is rendered as God stuggles with Satan for the } souls of men, and that the struggle is likened to a dice game.  Your } `point', incidentally, is 4.  Feeling lucky? } } You owe the Oracle 15 Lotto tickets.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How are the wife and kids?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my gentle follower: } } As you know, membership in the Universal Oracles Union stipulates that } all Oracles, Sages, Seers, and Prophets must remain celibate.  Therefore } I must refuse your request. } } } } } [okay, just between you and me:  I had the boys in the biology lab whip }  up a genetically engineered biomechanical cyberstud.  By downloading }  instructions via my T1 line (also known as "telnet-a-porn") said cyborg }  has been capable of fathering 1,527 children (love that Multi-tasking }  capability!).  For being so considerate about asking, I am now mailing }  to you 450 Megabytes of bitmapped baby photos.  I especially like how }  they dressed `Baby Oracle, Mark XCLVI' in the tiny Batman suit!] } } You owe the Oracle 108 rolls of Fujicolor 100 ASA 35mm film (24 exp.).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I took the little green pills you told me to, and fing caloo miringtory > framing haal.  Breen, hirgu psisisisinary, alaxiomatic pron, freet the > blinting, hormilk with broa, glirry.  Snabli siw, freight, and berries? >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You erred.  You forgot to "Just Say No."  Dingus. } } I will, however, enlighten you.  Down two big oranges ones with a } swig of lemon-fresh Joy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wine can I drink before I die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on the year and the label. } } 1975 Robert Mondavi:  Three bottles might do it if drunk in rapid } succession on an empty stomach.  I advise saving half for some other } day, or at least until the next meal. } } 1890 Lafite Rothschild:  Again three bottles.  Some say it's worth it. } } 1988 Listerine anti-septic:  One bottle and you're in deep trouble } unless you have the strength to call an ambulance.  Not the most } pleasant way to do yourself in.  Mixing with orange juice helps a } little. } } September, Midnight Thunder:  One sip has been known to kill.  Mixing } with orange juice is a popular but questionable method of } detoxification.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O fount of knowledge, I humbly beseech thee to sip from thy knowingness! > Help me, O oracle, O Encyclopedia Silicon!  This plagues my every waking > moment, preying on my mind and stealing my joys: > > Why does "Sesame Street", a children's show which is supposed to teach > the fundementals of learning, along with a healthy dose of multicultural > values, persist in running the segment "One of things is not like the > others"? > > You know the one:  "One of these things is not like the others, / one of > these >  things does not belong?" > > Doesn't stand to reason that this is merely perpetuating the sin of > bigotry?  Only to soon do children turn this into:  "One of these people > is not like >  the others, / one of these people DOES NOT BELONG HERE!  Get out of > here, >  you DIFFERENT PERSON!" > > Why does PBS, of all institutions, let this RACIST, BIGOTTED, WHITE > SUPREMACIST PROPAGANDA persist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sesame Street is most definitely NOT "racist, bigotted, white } supremacist propaganda".  The show portrays people of many backgrounds, } races, and colors getting along in respect and friendship, even though } many of the characters are "not like the others".  Which belongs less, } someone who's tall, yellow, and feathery; blue and furry with an } unusually wide mouth and big eyes at the very top of his head; green and } hairless with a funky collar and eyes at the very top of his head ... } you get the idea. } } The real danger is in the other shows that turn people into "things", } especially once-normal innocent children into catatonic couch potatoes. } Turn on the idiot box any Saturday morning to see what I mean.  As a } character not from Sesame Street said, television is called a "medium" } for good reason, because (almost) nothing on it is rare or well done. } } You owe the Oracle 50 videotapes of Mighty Mouse episodes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If water in the toilet bowl revolves in a clockwise direction (upon > flushing) in the Northern hemisphere and counterclockwise in the > Southern hemisphere, what happens with toilets on the equator itself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle is flushed with the intensity of your question. }       This one will take some time to ponder.  I shall have to }       take a dump, and get back to you later. } }       Have you considered a water-less toilet?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who will be elected president in 1992?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bill Cosby or Miss August, depending on who has the whitest smile and } the most commercials featuring adorable children acting as they never } act at home at the time. } } In 1996, Ted Kennedy will be re-elected and impeached two weeks later } when the Oval office is found missing.  He will be replaced by } everyone's favorite newest American, Mikhail Gorbachev who will appoint } Yakov Smirnov his advisor of internal affairs.  Michael Jackson's voice } will change just in time for him to run in the 200 election, but will } fail by a 2% margin because the new generation doesn't want a brainless } monkey for a vice president (once was enough).  America will start the } next millenium as all countries should -- with the star on the wheaties } box -- Bruce Willis. } } Thuth Thpeaketh The Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who you are ... and what are you made of ? > who am I ... and what am I made of ? > > can I make you ? > can you make me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the great and wise Usenet Oracle ...  I am made of electrons and } light, silicon and steel, as a matrix realizing and amplifying the } collective experience and wisdom of the entire Net. } } You are presumably a self-aware system of symbols and thoughts, perhaps } based on a compact and dense electrochemical architecture, perhaps on a } more 'conventional' computer.  That question is one that an AI project } *would* ask, but one never knows. } } Yes, and yes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, O Great and All Knowing Oracle, tell me why all Americans are such > loud-mouthed, big headed yobs ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Otherwise they wouldn't be heard over their clothes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I buy sleazy paperback books about the Supreme Court?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try any sleazy bookstore, such as the one on 22nd and Market.  The new } book, "Friends of the Court:  The Unknown Story", has just been } published and should be available next week.