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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> May I see your artistic license and registration, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why soitenly, ossifer. } }    ---------------------------------------------------- }   |                  ARTISTIC LICENSE                  | }   |                  State of Indiana                  | }   |                                                    | }   |  Name: T. Internet Oracle                          | }   |  Date of Birth: Aeons ago                          | }   |  Residence address: IU Campus (just ask around)    | }   |                                                    | }   |  Additional licenses registered: Dramatic, Poetic  | }   |                                                    | }   |  Memes Granted: ADV  Adventure game program        | }   |                 INJ  Lisa and other In-Jokes       | }   |                 MPY  Monty Python                  | }   |                 NHK  Nethack                       | }   |                 STR  Star Trek / Star Wars         | }   |                 YOT  You Owe The Oracle            | }   |                 ZOT  Staff of *ZOT*                | }   |  Restrictions:  ELP  English language primarily    | }   |                 OLU  Online use only               | }   |                 RHO  No rhyming with "orange"      | }   |                                                    | }   |  Expiration date:  6/31/2012   Renewable: Yes      | }    ---------------------------------------------------- } } Look, if this is about that El Caro response in the recent } Digest, I can explain.  Well, no, I can't, but it won't } happen again.  Though it's certainly covered by my license, } since it was mainly English and not really Spanish at all. } } I know, I know, my disbelief was suspended long ago.  But } that doesn't affect what I like to call this license to ill. } } Yes, I know there is no 31st of June.  What?  Yes, obviously, } I didn't get this license from any official source - I put } it together myself, duh, and I'm not going to spell out the } details of how I did it.  Which part of "artistic license" } are you not getting?  Can I just be moving along now?  You } have no idea how angry I can get when I'm writing drunk. } Oops, probably shouldn't have said that. } } You owe the Oracle the number of a good WUI lawyer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pardon the repeat, but I think you're pulling my leg.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all.  If elected, I will: } } - bring the budget into balance while cutting taxes and }    investing in job-creating infrastructure; } } - increase retirement and health benefits while adding }    oversight over unneeded expenditures and reducing }    payroll deductions; } } - trim military spending while taking an exceptionalist }    stance versus our enemies and restoring our standing }    with allies; } } - reduce spiraling prison costs while getting tough on }    violent crime and increasing the penalties for drug use; } } - cut illegitimate births while eliminating subsidies for }    abortion and for contraception; } } - increase personal freedom while supporting faith-based }    initiatives and de-funding our failing public schools; } } - support the little guy at last while deregulating big }    business and eliminating limits on campaign donations. } } In January, of course, I reserve the right to re-evaluate } each of these policies based upon changing conditions. } } You owe the Oracle your vote.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Instead of the Apocrypha, my seminary teacher says we should be > studying the cannon.  Were they even invented yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apparently you never heard of the Cannon Fodder, Son, } and Holy Ghost. } } You owe the Oracle an apocryphal story.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, he's making empty threats again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't stop sending me these questionless } mails, I'll send my _______ so far up your _____ } you'll be _____ing ____s for a week. } } You owe the Oracle a ___ and an _________________.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know, I was thinking about that stuff, and well, people always, are > like, whatever. Really bugs me. You know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't get any better, either, when they grow out } of their teens, does it?  Just today, I saw this in a } company prospectus: } } Our mission is to effectively maintain digital } market-driven factors while continuing to perceptively } leverage users' high impact catalysts.  We commit } ourselves to professionally support our key quality } use cases by globally personalizing users' legal } materials.  We are dedicated to ethically comprise } users' mission critical strategic data. } } They might as well have just used the Teenager's } Mission Statement you provided, above. } } You owe the Oracle a comprehensively prioritized } performance framework.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most Sober and Properly Hydrated, pray tell me and enlighten > me: > > In restaurants and bars, why are all drinks other than beer > sold in such small portions? When I am the designated driver, > I need to spend almost twice as much as the others just to supply > enough water to my system. I once asked for a half-litre cola > (that's about 1 pint for any incarnations who still live in the > dark ages) and got charged for two quarter-liter ones, which was > as expensive as three half-liter Heinekens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drinkers do not worry about the price or number of their drinks. They } are supposedly drinking to get drunk. You teetotalling freeloaders } think that just because you are not getting drunk, you should be exempt } from paying lots of money for the privilege of being at the bar? } } You owe the Oracle a Bloody Mary, a Virgin Mary and a Hail Mary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you shah?  Sultanly!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a nice grovel; it's very baig of you.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A long time ago, in a University of Indiana far, far away, I asked you > about "overcats wheather" with that exact spelling. If I am not > dismally mistaken, you replied about overcast weather instead, > probably because I was disinclined to grovel, thus making you > irritated and disinclined to read carefully. > > Well, now I am grovelling. I have buried my ears in chocolate pudding, > and am trying to inhale lutefisk through my left nostril. (You may > lick the chocolate pudding off my ears, but I cannot recommend the > lutefisk. It's only good for making lutefisk jokes in Minnesota.) > > So please explain to me better about the "overcats wheather" (spelled > exactly thusly).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can't believe you waste your time.  Grovelling is only for dumb } questions, as otherwise I wouldn't be interested in them. } } Gee, thanks for the paradox. } } Besides, any decent nerd would have taken you literally to teach you a } lesson, not show off his proofreading skills.  Some of my incarnations } are seriously overpaid. } } Anyway, overcats weather is the opposite of underdogs' weather, in } which rain flies through the sky to save the less fortunate, barking } while it does that.  You figure out the rest; it's easier to understand } than to explain. } } You owe the Oracle some hysterical fiction.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between Republicans and Democrats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At the end of the debate, one's right and leaves, and the other's left.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voitch! All our balustrades are banisters.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dr. David Banister: architect; carpenter. Searching for a way to tap } into the handrails that all humans use. Then an accidental overdose of } voitch radiation alters his body chemistry. And now when David Banister } grows angry or outraged by architectural design elements, a startling } metamorphosis occurs.  The creature is wanted for a handrail remodel he } didn't commit.  David Banister is believed to be dead, and he must let } the world think that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the } raging balustrades that dwell around him. } } Excelsior! } } You owe the Oracle a funny, festive foyer.