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} The Oracle-Vision fades with wavy lines and 1950s SciFi B-Movie
} theremin effects, and we're taken to a meeting between a record
} company PR executive, and the recently reformed Beach Boys.
}
} PR Executive: Hey Guys, everything's great. The new album's selling
} well, the tour's selling out, and we're all really happy with
} everything.
}
} Mike Love: Thanks. But there's something that we want you to do for us.
}
} PR Executive: Sure, anything for you guys.
}
} Mike Love: The people coming to our concerts, they're just a bit, you
} know, old.
}
} PR Executive: Yes.
}
} Mike Love: The last time we toured with Brian in the band, the people
} coming to see us were, you know, younger.
}
} PR Executive: Yes, that would have been the mid 60s, wouldn't it?
}
} Al Jardine: But we can still hit the high notes. We've got hundreds of
} songs man. How can we not be cool?
}
} PR Executive: Let me count the ways. Hands up everyone who's had a hip
} replacement.
}
} [All Beach Boys raise their hands]
}
} PR Executive: Hands up everyone who has gone bald.
}
} [The Beach Boys look shifty and Mike Love pulls his cap down on his
} head]
}
} Brian Wilson: Hey! We've been here half an hour already. When's that
} waiter bringing the menu?
}
} Bruce Johnson: You gotta find a way to make us cool again. I've had my
} care nurse do a bit of research, and there's this new genre called
} "hatecore". We record a hatecore album, we release it, we're cool
} again. I've even been practicing this new fangled e-nun-ci-a-tion.
} [sings] I write the songs that make the young girls HATE THEIR PARENTS
} HATE HATE HATE.
}
} PR Executive: You guys are serious?!?!?
}
} Mike Love: We're as serious as Murry Wilson avoiding paying a tip.
} You've gotta do something. How can The Beach Boys be uncool when we
} have a Republican President?
}
} PR Executive: We don't have a Republican President, George Bush hasn't
} been president for almost four years.
}
} Al Jardine: Who is this "George Bush" and when did Nixon stop being
} president?
}
} Brian Wilson: We're all sitting around a table. Hey guys, why are we
} all sitting around a table? Is there going to be some sushi coming
} around on those little plates?
}
} David Marks: Can I just remind something that I was a Beach Boy in the
} early 60s and played on the first five albums even though nobody
} remembers that?
}
} PR Executive: Listen guys, think yourself lucky that your baby boomer
} fans are still around to buy your product and go to your concerts. But
} "cool", sorry but you're 40 years too late.
}
} Mike Love: Oh please, do something.
}
} PR Executive: Sorry, no can do you doddering...
}
} Mike Love: We'll tell Brian to hold his breath and until he goes blue.
}
} PR Executive: You wouldn't dare. And even if you did, he'd have to
} take a breath eventually.
}
} Mike Love: Brian. Hold your breath.........
}
} PR Executive: Hey, he's actually going blue. Tell him to stop. TELL
} HIM TO STOP. BRIAN, BREATHE!!!!
}
} [much later, at a concert by post-Gangsta rapper Young Trav]
}
} Young Trav: Yo! We've got a special guest for all you people out
} there. Mike Love of The Beach Boys is in the house, yo.
}
} [using a walker, Mike Love shuffles out onto the stage]
}
} Mike Love: Surfer Biatch. She's my Surfer BIATCH.......
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