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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it better to have anal sex with Marcie, or oral sex with Louanne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, anal sex with Marcie, or oral with Louanne? } Should I fuck Louanne in the mouth or Marcie in the can? } I got to decide pretty quick - I am one horny man... } Anal sex with Marcie, or oral with Louanne? } } Should I cornhole Marcie or let Louanne give me head? } Should I tickle tonsil or pack some fudge instead? } Marcie's ass or Louanne's tongue, they both look talented... } Digestive system's got two ends, which should I keep fed? } } Spermatazoa by the millions, where should I inject em? } A gooey shot down Louanne's throat or into Marcie's rectum? } Warm wet holes are both inviting, too hard to select em... } Perhaps I'll use a double headed dildo to connect em. } } Help me quick!  I must decide!  These babes are mighty hot! } I wonder why the two of them have offered me no twat. } My God!  They both are guys in drag!  Women they are not! } So once again old Mary Fist's the only girl I've got. } } } You owe it to the Oracle to use a condom.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hear me, oh corpulent and bloated Oracle, who's butt pimples contain > ambrosia to us lowly mortals, who's pudgy, stubby finger have the > treasures of the world stuck under their nails, who's vast expanses of > pasty white skin seem to be utopia to the unknowing masses.  Tell me > this.  oh rotund fountain of all worldly knowledge and bodily > secretions, why did Channel Four News belittle and discount a story in a > German newspaper that claimed Blo-Jo...I mean, Flo-Jo, Florence Griffith > Joyner, regularly used anabolic steroids, and supported her without one > shred of evidence, when they were in the front row turning the > rottiserie for Ben Johnson when he got screwed over for the same thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She's got bigger tits. } } Or, for the intellecual... } They probably felt a great, nebulous ambiguity that told them that they } really weren't quite sure what to make of the whole thing.  So they } contacted her friends and associates, who said, "Hell, she's a good } kid." With true journalistic integrity, they figured this was tantamount } to testimony, so they defended the poor wench.  Figures.  After all, if } one were to compare her to Ben Johnson, one would definitely say that } she's got bigger tits.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can a man do to satisfy a woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well... I can give you the long answer, the short answer, or the real } answer. } } The short answer (commonly quoted by women) is ``Nothing.'' } } The long answer (commonly quoted by men) is ``By careful manipulation of } various muscle groups a man's body can give a great deal of pleasure to } a woman's body.  Satisfaction can be derived from a variety of factors: } } ``1) If the man is over 8 inches long, he is CAPABLE of giving a woman }      satisfaction. } } ``2) If the man can have sex for eight hours without even getting the }      slightest bit soft or tired, he is CAPABLE of giving a woman }      satisfaction. } } ``3) If the man has big muscles, he is CAPABLE of giving a woman }      satisfaction. } } ``4) If the man has a lot more money than the woman, he doesb't HAVE TO }      give the woman satisfaction. } } ``5) If the man can really dance, he can PROBABLY give a woman }      satisfaction, but all the other men will think he's a wimp. } } ``6) If the man has a tongue, he is CAPABLE of giving a woman }      satisfaction. } } ``7) If the man can tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue, he can }      PROBABLY give a woman satisfaction. } } ``8) (The final step) If the man's tongue is over a foot in length, he }      WILL give a woman satisfaction.'' } } Of course both of these answers are false.  The real answer is this: } } ``Women are human beings just like everybody else.  They all have } individual needs and desires and these have to be addressed on a one to } one basis.  All women are capable of being satisfied.  There is no clear } cut answer that guarantees success with all women.  Don't sweat it.  You } couldn't even TRY to satisfy all women.  Instead choose one and } concentrate your efforts on understanding her and fulfilling all of her } desires.  When she thinks that she couldn't ask for more...  then she's } satisfied.  If you exceed these expectations...  you've really made her } life...  and she will always remember you for it.'' } } You owe the oracle a decent try, eh?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, how can I turn my cock into "the prick of fear?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try strapping razor blades to it, and put a caltrop on the end. } } Don't expect to *use* it very often, of course. And be real careful } masturbating.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle, whose nose hairs are the very picture of cleanliness, tell > me. > >  Now that the movie "Driving Miss Daisy" has become so popular, will > Hollywood come out with an X rated version ?  They will probably name it > something liike "Driving Daisy Home" or perhaps "Driving Daisy's Back > Door" or something obnoxious. > >   Bart Beefeater >   Little Moose Junior Colege >   Great Neck Falls WC

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now you're really straining my patience.  Of course they will. }    Hollywood is willing to come out with an X-rated version of anything. } Personally, I'm waiting for X-rated versions of those "please do not } smoke; this way to the exit" segments that the theaters always put in } before the movie.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and highly exalted Oracle, worthy of all praises that I may > utter, please deign to answer this question: > >     Oh, say can you see >     By the dawn's early light >     What so proudly we hailed >     At the twilight's last gleaming? >     Whose broad stripes and bright stars, >     Through the perilous fight >     O'er the ramparts we watched, >     Were so gallantly streaming? >     And the rockets red glare, >     The bombs bursting in air >     Gave proof through the night >     That our flag was still there! >     Oh, say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave >     O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. I know that's not very funny answer, but then our national anthem } isn't very exciting either. I always thought it should be updated to } something like... } } RAPPIN' OUT! (fop-fop-BOOM, foppa-foppa-BOOM) } US of A! Land of the free! Home of the Whopper and NBC! } When I see that flag, I get all patriotic! } Some of my friends think I turn psychotic! } I get all crazy, I foam and froth! } I stand at attention like Ollie North! } I glaze my eyes, I set my jaw! } I'm the baddest Yankee Doodle thatcha ever done saw! } (skritcha-scratcha-skritcha-scratcha-skritch-skritch-ZIP!) } } Of course, rap's rather passe these days. The following might be a } more appropriate anthem: } } [To the tune of : "Thank God I'm a Country Boy"] } } Well, bein' a conservative's a whole lotta fun, } I fight for freedom with my own handgun, } If my daughter has sex, gonna make her a nun, } Thank God I'm Republican! } } Well, America is the land of the free, } I'll kick your ass if you disagree! } Let's pledge allegiance to the G.O.P! } Thank God I'm Republican! } } Well, I don't like gays and I don't like commies, } Welfare bums or teenage mommies, } I even hate guys who didn't fight in Vietnammy, } Thank God I'm Republican! } } Well, I love my country and I love my flag, } If you don't say the pledge you must be a fag, } Lib'rals an' Democrats make me gag! } Thank God I'm Republican! } } You owe the Oracle the defintion of "forwichistan" (You know, "and to } the republic forwichistan"?)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best kind of lawnmower?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh...well, let's see. I think they reviewed lawnmowers in a recent } issue of Consumer Reports. Let me find the issue...here it is. I'll } just quote a few paragraphs. } } WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! } BOREDOM ALERT! BOREDOM ALERT! } In the event the Usenet Oracle generates an extremely boring answer to } a question, this alarm automatically replaces it with a more exciting } one. Unfortunately, the software is still in the prototype stage. } } ###GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE Hey let's go kill politicians! With lawnmowers! } BLAM POW!  BLAS^%V ckwdwabort } } ###GRATUITOUS SEX Lisa's hooters! Lisa! Barbara! Orgasm! } Lawnmower-generated orgasm! orgorgorglksflfaultabort } } ###PHILOSOPHY Ah, lawnmowers! Zen and the art of mowing one's lawn! } The symmetry of the rotating blades! OOOH BABY uifdygi Y(*0 &&& } Cannot access file server. Still trying. } Cannot access file server. Still trying. } Cannot access file server. Still trying. } Cannot access file server. Oh, fuck it! } ###POEM Lawnmower, Lawnmower } -------FATAL ERROR : Nothing rhymes with lawnmower! } No remaining options. Crashing messily. } STACK DUMP : 0000734898A86FB68787E87A6867D567EF67A57AB6875ADD46578A0E } } I'd buy the TORO myself, if for no other reasdon than that I enjoy the } perverted commerical with the kicking baby. } } You owe the Oracle a beautiful lawn. } } WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! } BOREDOM ALERT! BOREDOM ALERT! } } You owe the Oracle 1000 Hawaiian nymphets in grass-skirts and a } weed-wacker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, Oracle!  I've got a major sexual dysfunction and I need to know > which one it is!  And what I can do about it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have reached the Oracle Sexual Dysfunction Analysis Service. } Please answer all questions candidly. } What is your name? } > XXXXXXXX@XXXXXXX.XXX.edu } What is your physical gender? } >male } What is your psychological gender? } >male } What is your sexual partner of choice? } >large female sheep } What is your most frequent sexual partner? } >hand } How frequently do you enjoy hand? } > Four times a day. } How often do you enjoy large female sheep? } > At frat rush, one time a year. } What is your biggest turn-on? } > Soft wool against my belly. } What else? } >The sound "baa". } How large is your organ? } >150 stops. } } Processing...please wait. } } The Oracle has calculated that your dysfunction is a dissatisfaction } with hand, your usual lover. Best solution is to buy woolen gloves and } a tape of barnyard sounds for future encounters.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh great and mighty Oracle, who I am not worthy to approach, please > help this puzzled and confused person forced to take humanities classes > that require reading real books, and answer this: >     Sartre says "We know that feminine idealism is located in the anus." >  What does that mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jean-Paul is such a great dude. } } Here we go.  The fundamental aspect of feminism is control.  The } feminists want to control the other gender, because they feel they are } not in control of their own lives. } } The focus of control is the anus.  You will find people that are a } little hyperactive about neatness and order are called ``anal } retentive'' or ``anal compulsive.'' This just means they're hard-asses. } } So the focus of the feminist is on the anus of her enemy, the man. } } Since men have the OTHER focus of control, the penis, it's even worse. } } It's hard to think of the vagina as a focus of control so the feminists } further emphasize the anus as a control center. } } What this has to do with anal sex is fairly wild. } } You have a good time in class. } } You owe the oracle a French translation of _No_Exit_.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh heretofore indomitable Oracle, whose fleece is white as snow.  Whose > armpit is unsoiled by ordinary sweat but rather by Godly persperation. > > I asked the Usenet Oracle a question. > My question was: > > > Hello.  My name is Lisa and I would like to date the oracle's avatar. > > What is Steve Kinzler's address?  Is it true that he's a philosophy > > student? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } Oh low and meek peon... Server of the oracles whims...  As you have > } not properly addressed my personage in the form of " O GREAT EXALTED > } ONE..." or utilized other such formalities, my anger has been great. > } > } After much thought, however, it has come to my omniscient self that > } you perhaps have never requested favors of the oracle before.  I > } therefore will provide you the mailing address of one of my mortal > } form's trusted colleagues... You may request Steve's address of him > } and, if he so desires, he may provide you with the necessary > } information. > } > } I do advise you however to speak to him in a more respectful tone. > } > } His address is XXXXX@ritcsh.rit.edu > } > }      You owe the oracle some respect... > > You have your Earthly respect.  Please, please, please give me Stevie's > address.  I have some panties to send him and I want him to get them > while they're still wet! > > I'll do anything for you, Mr.  Oracle.  I'm on my knees.  Normally I'm a > very respectable lady, but I'll dig dirt for you.  ANYTHING!!! > > Please get me in touch with Stevie...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu