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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where DOES a bear shift, then.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the gear box in the woods.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Me!  Me!!  ME!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Maine Tourism Board, } Re: Your request for an opinion on proposed new marketing tag line } } Uh, no.  Just no. } } Sincerely, } } The Internet Oracle } } You owe the Oracle lobster. And melted butter. And a lemon. Ooh! And } some oysters! And some asparagus...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Honestly, some people can't take a joke.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and other people take it, and then return it over and over: } } "So there's this minister and a priest and a rabbi, ... ummm, stop me } if you've heard this one..." } } "Harry, I TOLD you that joke, THREE YEARS AGO." } } "Well, so they walk into a bar, and the bartender says, ..."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ha!  I thought so.  (Before, I only guessed.)  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're welcome, but I suggest you looking } RIGHT BEHIND YOU. } Just in case. } You owe the Oracle a Clue board game.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I owe tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy? > I owe tidings of comfort and joy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. You owe the Oracle a case of cognac. Preferably Hennessy VVSOP.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just got a new computer (again). I need to test my email. Is there a > server somewhere that I can send something and get a response back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, there is not.  Your email is clearly not working.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I get some really weird stuff sometimes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YOU get weird stuff? Try being an Oracle. My stuff is } weirder and more copious and voluminous and } numerous and extensive and massive, not to mention } more bizarre and freakisher and curiouser and more } outlandish than your stuff. Let's not make this into a } contest, OK? You don't want to retreat with your tail } between your legs. } } Sorry. } } You owe the Oracle some ordinary stuff.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you resolve for 2014?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As always, my high-resolution Oracular Timepiece resolves to } femtoseconds. You (on the other hand) will be lucky to know the month } of the year. } } You owe the Oracle a month of Sundays.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Alcohol, Tobacco, or Firearms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll take firearms.  Then it should be pretty easy finding someone who } will give me the other two afterwards.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Spiffy Oracle, please answer my humble little question. > > With the current cold spell, most of the eastern US currently has > temperatures that are colder than the surface of Mars. > So, please tell me, what does Mars have? > > -Concerned

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mars has enough booze to keep an Egyptian sun god happy. } } Contrary to popular belief, most of the planet Earth is currently } colder than the surface of Mars. This is because the Conference for } Unusual Entities is currently occurring there, and Ra was kind enough } to heat the otherwise deserted planet up a bit. } } As you can imagine, a sun god can't work in two places at once, so he } had to temporarily leave Earth's heating needs in the hands of the } Aztec sun god, Tonatiuh. } } Unfortunately for the eastern United States, Tonatiuh is currently } upset that he isn't receiving as many human sacrifices as the last time } he was doing the job, and is refusing to heat the eastern portion of } the northern American continent as a result. } } Though he is fully aware of the situation, Ra fully intends to enjoy } his month-long vacation. Negotiations between the Conference for } Unusual Entities and Tonatiuh seem favorable for Earth. } } You owe the Oracle a hand-knit sweater and a tub of Red Vines.