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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do there have to be power outrages at work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They hate you. Expressions of anger are always caused by the person } who caused the anger, not the angry person. For example if you say, } "NO I WON'T GIVE YOU MY WALLET!" and that person hits you in anger, you } caused it by saying no. That's when your lights go out. All your fault.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The doctors say I have dementia, but you told me I was simply crazy. > Whom should I believe, a bunch of quacks, or an admittedly > self-proclaimed know-it-all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, diagnosing and treating mental deceases are unfortunately very } difficult and time consuming.  But don't worry, I can fix that! } } *ZOT* } } There you go!  All doctors know how to easily recognize burns, so } there should be no need to distrust them now!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the founding of a new social science, not yet named, which of these > is more important--the idea of being (1) anticulturally yet > dendrologically polygamous, or (2) polymorphically substantive, or (3) > preposteriously and retrovotively latent? These terms, as you are well > aware, although appearing to be mutually exclusive, are violently and > subtly interwoven, and result in an intercretaceous and monastically > bipedestal anthropocentric pseudohippology. > > In addition to suggesting (1), (2) or (3), please add to the > understanding of this growing science with whatever observations you > can see, not limiting yourself to that which can be directly observed. > Hidden knowledge is most useful when obscurely presented in broad > daylight or by divine neglect.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is, like, Sokool.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ready for another one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No thanks, I still have a good supply left. Could use with some more } zeroes, however. } } You owe the Oracle a qubit drive.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, Oracle?  The hawks vs. the doves: who wins?  Normally, my money > is on the hawks, but I'll bet you know better.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question revolves, astonishingly but not unsurprisingly, on the } meaning of "dove." Some take it to mean pigeon-like symbol of peace. } Others think it's the past tense of dive. Watch this animated excursion } into verb forms: } } :: drive, drove, driven } :: dive, dove, divan } :: live, love, laughen } } See what can happen if you get involved sideways into English Grammar? } What a mess! } } The doves are under water. But the hawks are wearing ice skates. } Disaster looms. Suddenly, out of the sky, the Disaster Loons appear, } pick up the supplicant, and carry him off. } } The Oracle preens his own feathers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to be charitable? I have been told (by my parents > and by my preacher, Rev. Ploofa) that one should simply forgive stupid > people for their inept lives, telling them calmly and politely, > "There, there, you poor thing, I understand how miserable you are, but > it's no fault of yours. Your innate stupidity cannot be overcome by > mere good intentions, yours or anyone's, but prayer and hard work can > improve us all." That should at least make them feel better. I've also > been told I should buy those people a cup of coffee. > > Anyway I tried that last week with a couple of homeless guys who asked > me for spare change. I told them I didn't find any fault with their > miserable attitude, and even offered to buy them lunch. "Can't drink > lunch," said one. The other one punched him in the face. I stepped > between them and told them to end their foolish quarrel. They both > pushed me over, jumped on me, breaking three ribs, and took all my > money. > > Please suggest a better pathway to charity. One that doesn't hurt so > much. Right now it only hurts when I breathe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are on the right way, your only mistake was to choose the wrong } recipients. } } You need to find someone in really dire need.  The ones lower than the } lowliest of the low.  The ones too dirty to live in the worst slums of } the world.  The ones that causes dung beetles, flies, fleas and lice } to flee in disgust. } } To help you along, I have found a group of individuals just like that! } Hereby, I declare that you are from now on officially responsible for } feeding my priests. } } You owe them a nice dinner.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Correct me if I'm wrong, but plagiarism is quoting someone without > giving proper credit and copyright infringement is using intellectual > property without permission.  Right?  It's what my dictionary told > me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plagiarism is taking the work of P. J. "Bill" Plauger to be your own. } It was originally Plaugerism, but Bill didn't like that and sued Noah } Webster, Daniel Webster, and P. M. Roget. } } If you copy the right fringe instead of the left fringe, and do it } correctly, you get copy right fringement. } } If you don't like these answers, you owe the Oracle a differently } fringed question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy Jumpin' Jesus! Why did you give me a religious answer? I don't > want to BE SAVED, I want to know how to save my MS WROD file when the > system says "A file error has occurred." Trusting in God and Jesus > might make us all feel warm and comfy, but it still loses all my data > and gets me a zero in my class in Canadian History. I lost the Whole > Damned Thing, and now what looks like the right file name contains > a Newfie joke I told my friend Maurice last year. He didn't get it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thy faith is weak if thou doubtest His plan for ye salvation of thine } computers! If thou truly had faith in Him, thou would do yer best to } follow His Ten Commandments of File Editing: } } 1) Thou shalt have no other editors than WORD (thou hast WROD, which is }    Satan's tool to fool ye unbelievers) } 2) Thou shalt not make thee any ASCII ART images in thine files } 3) Thou shalt not edit thine files in vain, but thou shalt save often } 4) Remmember the sabbath day, to clear thine virus crap from thine }    computer at least once a weak } 5) Honor thy father's advice to back thine files up, that yer files may }    be long in the disk that the Computer is giving you } 6) Thou shalt not kill thine processes, but thou shalt allow them to }    terminate gracefully } 7) Thou shalt not use thine computer for watching pr0n } 8) Thou shalt not use pirated software } 9) Thou shalt not bear false witness, even though thine subject of }    Canadian History is full of ye bears } 10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's APPLE computer, for that is an }    overpriced piece of crap } } (p.s.: Jumpin' Jesus isn't in the office this week, so I had to take it } for him. Lots of regards, thine Bouncin' Buddha.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that you can add "o" to any English word to get its > Spanish equivalent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, if you're a linguistic weird-o.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the key to this problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Page 34 of the Teacher's Guide. } } No, um, B-flat. } } Wait, wait! I've got it: Steelcase series S cut #108. } } Sorry, just kidding, Mr Ramis. It's still Rick Moranis. } } You owe the Oracle some hot chocolate to mix this marshmallow into.