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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We all know about the Borg Collective, that race of assimilating > cyborgs governed by their technology. But what about the Bork > Collective?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Their recipes are all in Swedish, a language that is notoriously hard } to understand even though it's rather close to English, entomologically } speaking. (Like a C++ program with too many naive bugs.) Even the } Norwegians think Swedish is hard to understand. Mostly they think it's } Norwegian pronounced funny, whereas Danish is Norwegian spelled funny. } } If you get too close to understanding Swedish there's always the chance } they'll throw some surstromming at you. Believe me, you do not want to } know the recipe for surstromming.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As a wise and all knowing Oracle, you are of course familiar with the > "nomen est omen" theory of names begetting destiny, and you did a fine > job with your own name. So why are the other immortals so crap at it? > Seriously, what does "Zeus" even mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zeus means Jupiter, and that can mean Odin, and that means Wednesday. } If it's Wednesday you are already late with your assignment for Anthro } class. Now as you know the Romans associated Odin (or Wotan) with their } god Mercury, and the density of Hg is 13.534. So there you have it. The } name is the density.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh is that so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's vast knowledge, steeped in the Mysteries of the East, } continues to amaze and confound supplicants and seekers of truth alike. } His Zen-like explanations of Zen are particularly indescribable, being } true and false, useful and useless, Zen and anti-Zen all at the same } time, yet embodying the Truth of the Void. Aristotle claimed A is A, } and Van Vogt claimed it was non-A. To this day nobody knows whether to } pronounce Vogt as VOTE, VAUGHT, VOTT, VAWKT, VAUGHGHGHT, VCHT, or } SMITHERS. So you can see the kind of contradictions one faces when } seeking an answer, even to stupid questions. } } Consider for a moment the simple word "so" in your question. It could } have been "sew" or "sow" with the implicat } } SORRY TIME'S UP. We were considering it for a moment. A very SHORT } moment. } } You owe the Oracle a double.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Before he dies, there's one last thing I want to tell my father. Then > there's one thing I hope he'll tell me. > > I'm gonna say to him, "I found out where you put that $800,000 you > stole from old man Glunthermoss." > > I'm hoping he'll say something like, "Yeah, I never thought anyone > would look inside the wall in the bathroom," or something like that. > > Of course, I have no idea what he did with the money. Maybe it IS in > the bathroom wall. Maybe it isn't. But ripping the whole house apart is > a rather stupid idea, since he might have buried it in Glunthermoss's > apple orchard, under any of 317 trees. > > What should I do, though, if he says, "That's impossible. You're lying, > just to get me to reveal where it is. Nobody will ever find it!"? Or > worse, "Sorry, I'm taking it with me."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Century XXI, Quarto243 } } The captive treasure conquered in the House of Glunthermoss } Will pass Bayonne by sea as far as Teaneck: } Through great exertion by the apple-pickers overcome, } Safe from gunshot in a  barrel of donkey poop. } } BALANCE DUE: A crate of granny smiths.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'll betcha anything April 1 is your fave holiday.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It used to be, but the commercialism has really turned me off. } Did you know April 1 gifts are in stores before Groundhog Day? } Groundhog Day! Sheesh. Is nothing sacred any more? } } Please join me in keeping the Ape in April 1. It's not a "Spring } Holiday." There is no harm in singing April 1 songs in public } schools. And for those of different faiths, ignore us if you like, } but don't try to keep us from our celebrations. } } So anyway,  I'll take your bet. } } You owe the Oracle, hmmm, what was it that we bet? Oh, yeah. } Anything. You owe the Oracle anything. And a brightly colored } April 1 egg. And an April 1 pole. And a box of April 1 shaped } chocolates. And a spectacular display of April 1 fireworks. And } a joke-o-lantern. And a plate of paczki, And a big April 1 flag. } And something to stuff this turkey with. Oh wait, It's not empty.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Large but unnecessary Oracle, without you I would be unmentionable. > How can I reward you, since I have already grovelled far beyond > my means?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A grovel is so nice to hear, it really makes my day } Unfortunately there's all this work and still I have to pay } For heat and lighting, keeping priests, and then to feed the cat } Amazing I have any left when I have done all that } } A million dollars would, to me, seem just the right amount } Deposited - anonymous - in my Swiss bank account.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did my English classes never educate me in the proper usage of > emoticons?  And could you do it, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (-: Easy. Don't. :-)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are at the final table at the World Series of Poker. > > You are dealt the Lambda of Coins and a 2"x5" glossy of a Matchbox > truck. > > God bets fifteen zorkmids. > > Chuck Norris raises thirty-seven yen. > > Zadoc folds. > > Action is yours. > > What do you do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do I do?  Thank my lucky stars it's not strip poker, that's what. } } You owe the Oracle a winter wardrobe for Zadoc.  Make that two.  Er, } ten.  Yeah, that's it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Oracle's definition of insanity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Talks to imaginary friends, expecting answers, and gets them."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most instructive, please give me your autobiography in five > short chapters.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Chapter I* } } I walk down the galactic concourse. } There is a deep hole in the fabric of spacetime. } I fall in. } I am digging this. } It is much more fun than reading Portia Nelson and sorting turnips. } It doesn't take long to find a way out because I have a TARDIS. } } *Chapter II* } } I walk down the same galactic concourse. } There is a deep hole in the fabric of spacetime. } I *pretend *I am a rabbit and jump right in because what's life } without a  sense of adventure? } I fall in again and wind up on a planet made entirely of lemon } meringue.  I can't believe this shit. } But it is awfully good! } It still takes a long time to get out, mostly because hey! I'm on a } planet made of lemon meringue! } } *Chapter III* } } I walk down the same galactic concourse. } There is a deep hole in the fabric of spacetime. } I *see *it there . . . well I see it but I'm like, really cosmic. I } doubt  you could see it so well because hey . . . how do you see a } hole in the emptiness of space? Isn't that like a hole in a hole? } Well, no, it's more like a distortion by means of gravity wells, } you see..... sorry.... got sidetracked } I still fall in... it's a lifestyle... but, } my eyes are open and I'm looking at Elvis because now I'm in Memphis } 1967 eating a peanut butter and banana and bacon sammich. } I know where I am. } It is *my *fault and man is it groovy! } I get out my copy of Portia Nelson and deposit it in the nearest trash } can because the word "overrated" keeps coming to mind. } } *Chapter IV* } } I walk down the same galactic concourse. } There is a deep hole in the fabric of spacetime. } I walk around it. } Then I go back and jump in because this is just too much fun to pass } up.  I just spent the afternoon playing badminton with Kaiser } Wilhelm and  Cornelius from Planet of the Apes. } Dr. Zaius is a sore loser, by the way. } } *Chapter V* } } I walk down another galactic concourse. } } Mostly because I can't remember where I parked the TARDIS.