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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, is it true that your remaining piece has a heck of a plan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!  I may only have the King left, against your 16 pieces, 9 of } which have become Queens, but that's just part of my grand plan to } make you overconfident!  In fact, you will be check mate in just 2 } more rounds, just watch this move... } } *CRASH* } } Wow, that was clumsy of me, tipping the board over like that!  Guess } we'll have to start over again, then.  But look at the time!  Guess } we'll have to do it another time!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think someone stole all my credit cards.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's have a look at your bills and see what we got, shall we? } } Zeus hardware: 10000 charges for staff of Zot. } Bacchus Inc:  500 gallons of wine. } Aphrodite's Lounge:  Confidential services.  (4995 visits) } Thor's bone-breaking:  90 bills collected. } Odin Consulting: Information supplied. } Playboy: Subscription renewed. } Penthouse: Subscription renewed. } Hustler: Subscription renewed. } Amazon.com: Washing detergent. New broom.  (Gift wrapped, "To Zadoc") } } No, I have no idea who this perpetrator could be, but I wouldn't worry } to much about it. } } You owe the Oracle that you wait a bit longer before canceling them.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For some reason, you sounded taller in person.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2014, and a man still can't wear stiletto heels without getting } heckled by some backwards, retarded insensitive clod! } } You owe the Oracle that you forget all about this.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't she be the star in my sky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My first guess is, she gave up and is telescoping out something better } than a constellation prize.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Increasingly Omniscient Oracle, if you knew anything additional your > head would explode. > > Thank you for sending me Mongolia. It is of course only map of > Mongolia, and thankfully not what I asked for, which was Mongolia > itself. It was of course not what I wanted. That would have been a > MAGNOLIA. It's a tree or shrub. > > Anyway, I'm enjoying looking at the map of Mongolia, or Magnolia if you > prefer. I'm thinking more and more about Mongolia. Would it be too much > trouble for me to ask you for the plans for making a yurt, or as the > Mongolians call it, a ger? Or if you cannot do that, how about the > plans for a Mongolian horse? You'll know all these things already, of > course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mongolia, eh?  I think one of my former employees moved there.  Let's } give him a call! } } *Ring* *Ring* } } - OGHIS KHAN SPEAKING!  WHO DARES DISTURB OGHIS KHAN? } } Og?  Old friend!  It's the Oracle!  How are you doing? } } - ORACLE?  ORACLE NOT FRIEND!  ORACLE FIRE OGHIS KHAN!  OGHIS KHAN } ANGRY! } } Hey, I'm sorry!  The times where hard! } } - SPIKY CLUB HARDER!  OGHIS KHAN USE SPIKY CLUB ON ORACLE! } } What's this 'Oghis Khan' thing anyway? } } - OG BECOME OGHIS KHAN!  OGHIS KHAN MIGHTY LEADER OF GREAT MONGOLIAN } HORDE! } } Well, congratulations!  Anyway, this supplicant has a question about } yurts... } } - GREAT MONGOLIAN HORDE RUN OVER ORACLE!  TEAR DOWN ORACULAR TEMPLE! } TEAR DOWN UNIVERSITY!  ENSLAVE SUPPLICANTS!  BUILD YURTS ALL OVER } INDIANA!  OGHIS KHAN TAKE LISA AS BRIDE! } } Right!  And how do you intend to move this horde from Mongolia to } Indiana, if I may ask? } } - OGHIS KHAN GENIUS!  INVENT HANG GLIDER!  SEND HORDE OF TOP OF MOUNT } EVEREST, LAND IN INDIANA! } } Mount Everest is in another country!  All of Tibet and China is } between you and Mount Everest! } } - OGHIS KHAN IN ALLIANCE WITH TIBET LEADER KENDAI LAMA!  SHARE COMMON } CAUSE! } } OK.  I'll be awaiting your arrival.  Speak to you then.  Bye! } } *Click* } } Ahem.  Well, supplicant, if you want to know anything about Mongolia, } you have to go there yourself.  I'm certainly not. } } You owe the Oracle the Great Wall of Indiana.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My original plan was for immortality (like you have) but I got all > confusticated by asking instead for immorality. Don't tell me just to > try to live forever or die in the attempt. Instead I want to learn the > Secrets Of The Ancients (smart guys like you) so that I can follow the > Wise Advice that they (obviously) didn't. For instance, you could have > told Socrates, "DON'T DRINK THAT!" and he would not have died. > > I'm somehow reminded of that poem I had to learn in school, "This is > the forest prime evil, the murderous pines, and the Hemlock." > > If you can't tell me how to live forever, at least tell me what not to > drink and where that evil forest is so I can avoid it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Glad you asked. } } You should stop drinking anything from bottles labeled 'XO' or } 'V.S.O.P.'  Any such bottles you have should immediately be sent to } the Oracle for safe destruction.  As a matter of fact, to protect } others you should buy any such bottles you can find, and send them } over! } } You owe the Oracle that you waste no time whatsoever!  The future of } mankind depends on you!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie, Superman here. > > My current girlfriend found out that I hold conservative views and is > currently auditing me and trying to target me with fines and prison > even though I've violated no law. > > She's also made public some confidential information about conservative > causes I have donated to. > > Every time I ask her why she's behaving this way, she pleads the fifth. > > Do you think I should start dating someone else?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Er, Superman? I'm not sure what planet you're living on, but I'm fairly } sure you've violated several laws: } } 1. Working in the U.S. without a valid passport. } (And the fact that you're taking frequent "bathroom" breaks and missing } all newsworthy stories ever means you should have been fired long ago.) } } 2. Destruction of property beyond necessity. } (I don't care who General Zod is, you should have followed the due } process of law.) } } 3. Complete disregard for the laws of physics. } (Stopping a plane over a very short distance just before it hits the } ground is *not* going to prevent everyone from dying. Also, time travel } is definitely not a thing, despite what anyone tells you about rotating } universes.) } } Need I go on? } } Anyway, your donations to Sarah Palin's Tea Party mean that you're } morally compromised from the start. You do realise that their views on } illegal aliens mean that you'd be arrested and sent back to Krypton in } no time? } } With the despicable way you've behaved, I think your current girlfriend } should start dating you in much the same way as a tree. By cutting you } open. } } You owe the Oracle Lex Luthor's home telephone number. I'm going to } need it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, I got this answer, or something like it, from you a while back. > > > The Internet Oracle is poundering your question. > > > > Expect an answer in a day or two. > > It's been several weeks now, and I guess you might have finished your > poundering. Probably flattened my question into a blivion. > > Will you ever tell me anything actually worthwhile? What will it be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what's the point of being } treated like a sheep, I mean I'm fed up going abroad and being } treated like a sheep, what's the point of being carted around in } busses, surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and } Boventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their } transistor radios and their 'Sunday Mirrors', complaining about } the tea, 'Oh they don't make it properly here do they not like } at home' stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips } and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in } cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over } their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh cos they 'overdid it on } the first day'! And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and } Bellevueses and Bontinentals with their international luxury } modern roomettes and their Watney's Red Barrel and their } swimming pools full of fat German businessmen pretending to } be acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children } and barging in to the queues and if you're not at your table spot } on seven you miss your bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom } soup, the first item on the menu of International Cuisine, and every } Thursday night there's bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some } tiny emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and some big fat bloated } tart with her hair Brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting } Flamenco for Foreigners. And then some adenoidal typists from } Birmingham with diarrhoea and flabby white legs and hairy } bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel, and then, once a week } there's an excursion to the local Roman ruins where you can buy } cherryade and melted ice cream and bleedin' Watney's Red Barrel, } and then one night they take you to a local restaurant with local } color and coloring and they show you there and you sit next to a } party of people from Rhyl who keeps singing 'Torremolinos, } Torremolinos', and complaining about the food, 'Oh!  It's so greasy } isn't it?' and then you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer } from Luton with an Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and Tuesday's } 'Daily Express' and he drones on and on about how Mr Smith should } be running this country and how many languages Enoch Powell can } speak and then he throws up all over the Cuban Libres. And sending } tinted postcards of places they don't know they haven't even visited, } 'to all at number 22, weather wonderful our room is marked with } an "X".  Wish you were here.''Food very greasy but we have managed } to find this marvellous little place hidden away in the back streets. } ''Where you can even get Watney's Red Barrel and cheese and } onion crisps and the accordionist plays "Maybe its because I'm a } Londoner"' and spending four days on the tarmac at Lutton } airport on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried } Watney's sandwiches and there's nowhere to sleep and the kids } are vomiting and throwing up on the plastic flowers and they keep } telling you it'll only be another hour although your plane is still in } Iceland waiting to take some Swedes to Yugoslavia before it can } pick you up on the tarmac at 3 a.m. in the bloody morning and } you sit on the tarmac until six because of 'unforeseen } difficulties', i.e. the permanent strike of the Air Traffic } Control in Paris, and nobody can go to the lavatory until you } take off at eight, and when you get to Malaga airport } everybody's swallowing Enterovioform tablets and queuing for the } toilets and when you finally get to the hotel there's no water } in the taps, there's no water in the pool, there's no water in } the bog and there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet, and } half the rooms are double-booked and you can't sleep anyway.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm compiling a list of your relatives, the ones who have "The" > as one of their names. So far we have C. T., F. T., and A. T. Great > (from Russia, Prussia and Macadamia, respectively), C. T. Barbarian, > and also T. I.  Hulk. I'm hoping to add Cato T. Elder and (in a > two-for-one special) Louis T. XIVth, T. Sun King.

Whom have I overlooked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question reminded me that I should probably catch up with some of } my relatives. You know how it is, you go for a couple of months without } seeing them, then before you know it you only see them at weddings and } funerals (theirs, of course, I'm immortal and since I asked Lisa what } she was thinking about last night and she said she was imagining the } wedding she'll never have, the first is unlikely to happen either). } } So, I invited some of them around for a dinner party at the Oracular } Palace and this is what happened: } } QE2: And what do you do? } O: I answer questions from all of humanity, Your Majesty. } QE2: Fascinating. Perhaps you can answer one about my son Andrew. Why? } O: I don't know, I'm sure, Your Majesty. } QE2: Oh well. I'd better stop Philip from insulting any of the other }    guests. Oh dear, he's talking to Louis XIV and I think I heard the }    word "frog". } } O: Ah, Alexander, how are you? } A: Very well. I have claimed this palace in the name of the Alexandrian }    Empire. } O: Really? You want to have control over a grovelling slave, several }    priests who have been driven insane by communicating my visions to }    supplicants, and a dungeon full of rabid woodchucks? Also, the Postal }    Service is making a loss; no-one ever puts the right postage on the }    gifts they send me. } A: Ah, yes. For your heroic work, I hereby give you the freedom to rule }    as you wish in your domain. Do you think I would be better off }    conquering the Hundred-Acre Wood? I saw Winnie The Pooh over there }    and I think he would trade it for a pot of honey. } } O: Jack, good to see you. You, er, got out of prison following all that }    misunderstanding then? } Jack The R.: Yes, I told them that making copies of DVDs I own was }    perfectly legal and they let me off. } O: Yes, of course. By the way, have you seen Ivan yet? He replied to my }    invitation with a three page insult, including the suggestion that he }    didn't want to see me because, and I quote, "Who wants to see an ugly }    face like that anyway?" } } By the way, The Incredible Hulk couldn't fit into his dinner jacket, so } was stopped at the door by my butler The Thing, and Muffin The Mule has } a court order preventing him from being mentioned in polite company. } } You owe the Oracle a seating plan for the dinner that would not result } in all-out war before the fish course.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I hafta?  'Coz I don't wanna.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Serving as an Incarnation is voluntary. You get to choose whether to } provide my answer or not. } } Nevertheless, you should remember that the Consequence of Failing to } Provide An Answer are NOT SPECIFIED, which means that ANYTHING CAN } HAPPEN, and probably will. If you'll go right now and stumble through } the Oracularities, the entire historical list of them, you will } discover the atrocities that were palmed off as being true renditions } of my exquisite and helpful thoughts. What a mess! } } You, had you taken the trouble, could have prevented such gross } mismanagement of my precious answers, but you chose to drink beer } instead. } } My current incarnation has run out of beer. } } You owe the Oracle ten cases of beer. And none of that Molson's crap.