Goto:

154, 154-01, 154-02, 154-03, 154-04, 154-05, 154-06, 154-07, 154-08, 154-09, 154-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a Shriner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is! } }              * }             / \ }            (***) }            /   \ }            |* *| }            | ^ | }            | = | }             \ / }             | | } } Here are three and a half (back view)! } }    &    &    &     & }   / \  / \  / \   / }  (   )(   )(   ) ( }   \ /  \ /  \ /   \ }    (_______________) } } And here's another one! } }          & }         &&& }        &&&&& }     ///======\\\ }     ||| *  * ||| }     |||   ^  ||| }     //   ---  \\ }    //          \\ } } And there are two of them making love off in the distance: } }   <@===C }       | }   <@U=<C }              ^             ^         ^              ^       ^ } Oh, no!  A ><> school of ><> Shriner <>< fish are ><>swimm><>ing across } my terminal! } } Gee, this terminal is just crawling with Shriners! } } You owe the Oracle some Shrine-Off! } }     & }    &&& }   -----     <<-- Shriner poodle }  | * * | }   | A | }   | = | }    -U-

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you who are just sooooo tubular... > What are some good uses for Debi Gibson?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can put her in a bowl and use her as a punch, } or you can have her serve your mom a lovely twelve-course lunch, } Or you can have her type your papers and stir-fry your clothes, } Or even turn your mumblings into finely-polished prose. } Or she could plant your garden, or she could fix your pipes, } Or she could comfort you through all your groans and gripes, } Or she could build a palace, or find your one true love, } Or she could hold your chalice in a black and silken glove. } There's much that you might ask her, but one thing you must not: } You must never ask to join her on her tiny, wooden cot...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gloomy cherub of computerdom, oh sarcastic seer of future events > tell me this: What will the setlist be for Saturday night of the > Grateful Dead show in Carson, California be? (I will be REALLY,REALLY > impressed if you get this one right).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First a little light Brahms, maybe some of the piano songs or a movement } or two from one of the piano concertos.  Then some Schubert lieder and a } few atonal pieces (depending on the crowd reaction, I'd start with } Schoenberg and progress to Stravinski or Phillip Glass). } } After the intermission, again, depending on the crowd reaction to the } first sets, either a little Brecht/Weill medley or perhaps a full set of } the Carpenter's and Partridge Family's greatest hits. } } And, of course, the traditional encore of the "Dies Irae" from Berlioz's } "Symphonie Fantastique" will certainly leave them screaming for more. } } I just hope no one gets burned when they hold up all those lighters. } } You owe the Oracle a recording of some renaissance choral music and the } new Metallica CD.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better: QuickC or Turbo C?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither.  But have you tried UpC?  Or DayC? } Or OopC-DayC?  Or TeenC-WeenC?  Or EenC-MeenC-MineC-MoeC? } Or PugC-WugC?  Or-- oh fuk it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, the emptiness of life, the vacuity of the void!  i feel as if I'm } falling, spinning, whirling, descending into the vortex of nonbeing and } nullity!  Alas, alas, the world itself dissolves, crumbles, } disintegrates!  There is nothing!  All is emptiness!  Alas, the void! } Emptiness!  Woe!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> bl00p?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good job.  Now everyone in the jacuzzi knows you farted.  The } cute girl you've been talking to for over an hour just got up and } left, disgusted.  Even your best friend is leaving.  You idiot. } That's what makes you a nerd.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I fart a lot.  Hundreds of times a day.  I've tried changes in diet > and exercise, I've tried simethicone tablets, I've tried everything > I can think of.  Should I give up trying to stop farting, and instead > try to become the successor to the great Le Petomaine, who had a > famuos theater act consisting entirely of carfully-modulated farts? > Or should I try some other remedy -- if so, what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I can't tell you whether you could be Le Petomaine II, because } you don't say whether or not your farts are "carefully-modulated". } Of course, there are other entertaining uses of farting.  Farting } through a cigarette lighter, to produce a rush of flame from your ass, } is a popular party trick (provided you don't burn the house down). } } Commercial uses of farting are becoming popular.  For example, you can } sell the methane you produce -- or use it yourself to heat your house. } } But where the money is these days in room-clearing.  Many organizations } are willing to pay big bucks to people who, while seemingly suave and } wholesome, are rather unpleasant to be around.  For example, company } directors who would rather not face awkward questions at stockholder } meetings will hire unpleasant people as room-clearers.  But bikers and } bums are too obvious -- people would suspect something.  But a } well-dressed farter such as yourself can do the job just as well, and no } one would suspect the trick. } } You owe the Oracle time to leave the building.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Biff Biff Biffy! > Muff Muff Muffy! > What's in it for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Biff Biff Biffy! } Gotta get a gob of "Jiffy"! } Gotta slob a blob all over Mom } And tell 'er she looks spiffy! } } Muff Muff Muffy! } Do I look like Patrick Duffy? } Will I wash my socks and get de-tox'ed } And feel all warm and fluffy? } } Ding Dang a-Dingo! } Do ya like my Latin lingo? } Just mash my face in Elmers paste } And watch me win at bingo! } } Well wait a muckin' minute! } What for YOU is in it? } Tracie Chapman, Charlie Chaplin, } And most the House and Senate! } } } You owe the Oracle a lurid video tape.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Irrelevant turquoise incantatory parrot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle: > > I'm a bit concerned about your high priest, Stephen Kinzler.  I mean, in > order to select the best oracularities for publication, he has to read > *all* of them - including the really stupid questions (about woodchucks > etc) and inane answers (the ones that were written by your janitor) - > hundreds of them, every day. > > Won't this have some adverse effects on his brain, at least in the long > run?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, S.K.  has a lot of little helpers -- but they have to go through } all of their chunks of drivel as well.  So you see that you should be } worried about them as well. } } Actually it's no worse than reading talk.bizarre religiously.  Certainly } it will have some adverse effects on the brains of S.K.  and his } assistants, but remember that they're all brave volunteers, risking life } and sanity to glean a few gems out of this huge heap of dung.  They are } made of stern stuff, these brave, proud few.