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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero. What > does he say and why is he here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's here to inspect the doors.  He asks, "Why is that door wearing a } sombrero?"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, oh why, did I ever decide to major in philophosy? We're supposed > to be learning about Immanuel Kant. "Kan't" is more like it. I can't > figure him out at all. The more I read the less I know. Is he a > scientist or a mystic? Plato's World of Forms, as crazy as it is, makes > more sense. > > Does everything really reduce to a French Absurdist Play of the 20th > Century, perhaps La Cantatrice Chauve, by Ionesco?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your lack of understanding is likely due to the fact that you are a } philo-pho-sy major, which the Oracle can only assume is a fusion of } Vietnamese cuisine and the art of thinking. What you must understand in } order to understand philosophy is that philosophy is not meant to be } understood - it is, in fact, the world's longest-running hybrid of } practical joke and party game. To begin playing Philosophy, you will } first need a copy of the rules. They are as follows: } } Rule 1 - Making a philosophy is defined as writing a lengthy, dense } diatribe on an abstract subject that can never be proven or disproven. } Your initial score is determined by word count and by impenetrability } as defined by a panel of judges. How are the judges determined? If you } can determine who the judges are, your philosophy fails on the grounds } that it is not dense enough. } } Rule 2 - Your philosophy cannot have any concrete value to anyone, at } any time. Should anyone be able to generate anything of actual value } using your philosophy, you are disqualified. } } Rule 3 - Bonus points are awarded for each accepted academic paper } written about your philosophy, which are doubled if any of those papers } form their own philosophies. How many bonus points? Like the judges, if } you can ever determine how many, your philosophy fails. } } Rule 4 - Revealing any of these rules to outsiders is considered to be } poor form for non-players, and an offense punishable by } disqualification for anyone playing the game. } } As for your second question, La Cantatrice Chauve is definitely on the } high-score list, but is nowhere near being the highest scorer of all } time. That would go to the people who invented string theory. However, } the Oracle encourages you to attempt your own entry into the game of } Philosophy using your specialized major. Perhaps you could start with a } theory that if you really look at it, everything is just like a warm } bowl of pho. } } You owe the Oracle one bowl of pho with extra beef.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the essence > of adolescence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Belief in immortality in spite of one's immorality. } "Hey, guys, watch this!"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes we even succeed in failure. The original plan was that I'd > hire a coach who would help me get my life organized. Someone, perhaps > it was you, pointed out that a railway coach is expensive to hire. I'd > be paying for unused seats, so why not hire a single seat instead? > > Like most advice I receive, that sounded quite good. But I did need > extra seating for two or three friends, so, I thought to myself, three > seats in a sofa, or couch. > > So instead of hiring a coach I've hired a couch. > > I still don't know who to get my life organized. Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I certainly can!  I may have to grow a few potatoes on that couch, } though; this can be hard work.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was she kidding? Or should I do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kidding is done by female goats. Pregnant female goats. They usually } seek a secluded area, away from predators. That means it is unusual to } see them kidding, so I can understand your perplexity. } } No, you should not try it, because I have it on good authority that you } are not a pregnant female goat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Christians say the Father and the Son are one.  Are you also one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Christians say Trinity } Is their Divinity: } The Father, the Son, and the Ghost. } } The Supplicant's Oracle } Sails in a coracle, } And sea water dampens his toast. } } Look! His religion'll } Be more original... } ... connection was dropped by the host.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't speak } I know just what you're saying } So please stop explaining } Don't tell me cause it hurts } } Ooh.... } } You owe the Oracle a Doubt.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> She said it was her "time of the month" - what did that mean?  I > thought I knew, but I was wrong.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Thyme of the Month." It's a paid-membership service for herb } collectors and cooks. They send you some kind of edible leaves. The } hazards are obvious.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> const minimumGrovelCount = 254; > > for(int i = 0; i<minimumGrovelCount; i++) > { >  string grovelString = getGrovelString(random(minimumGrovelCount)); >  console.write(grovelString); > } > > console.write(getexistentialquestion(rating.awesome, > demeanertype.funny)); > > while(waitforanswer) > { >  sleep(5000); > }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several problems. Here are a few: } } The numbers are too small--a bigger grovel count and a longer wait } period are needed. } } The algorithm as specified can return, bu chance, too many copies of } identical grovels. Originality counts in grovelling, you know. Perhaps } you should use getOriginalGrovelString() instead. } } You might also try to ensure that each grovel string is terminated or } is limited in some other way to a finite length.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I get out of high school I want to be a pundit. They get mentioned > in the news allot like politicians and bombers and soldiers but I don't > think they have to kill people. Can you tell me some good ones to get > me started? All I have now is that stale one about "no pun in ten did."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When I was young, I wanted to be a pop star. I was Adam Ant. } } Later I changed my mind and wanted to be a DJ, until my friends told me } to jacket. } } Then I wanted to become a mathematician. It was an integral part of my } life. } } I told my career advisor I wanted to become a chemist. No reaction. } } She suggested I became a telescope manufacturer instead. I said I'd } look into it. } } I took a temp job making mirrors for telescopes, but my first one went } wrong. It reflected badly on me. } } At university, I wanted to be a historian until I realised there was no } future in it. } } I took a part time job in a Greek restaurant. I had a smashing time. } } I had a job as transport manager for an orchestra. That took a lot of } brass. } } I was a magician's assistant for about a year before I decided I didn't } like being tied down. } } I worked in an Apple store for a while before the sexism drove me out. } It wasn't very PC. } } In the end I wanted to become a priest until I learned I wouldn't make } a prophet. } } Then I became a philosopher. At last I had found my Nietzsche. } } You owe the Oracle a career map for a cartographer.