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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My grandad pronounces humidity funny. You and I say humMIDity but he > says HUM-did-did-ity. > > I clearly need to trade him in on someone just as quaint but less > idiotic. How can I get you are my replacement grampaw?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What are you talking about? It is pronounced HUM-did-did-ity, you } little scallywag. } } Grandad Oracle } } PS Careful kid, you nearly blew my cover. When I die (or at least, } since the Oracle is an immortal being, fake my own death), I'll leave } you the plans for the time-machine I used to go back in time and seduce } your grandmother. } } You owe the Oracle a good amount of lobbying to ensure that inheritance } tax does not cover "old but potentially valuable scientific equipment". } It's for your own good, kid.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've got it.  How do I flaunt it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, a flautist plays the flute. So it's quite obvious that a } flauntist (that'll be you) plays the fluent. He also preys on the } affluent. } } You thought you had a good scheme, standing on the street corner with } your hat on the ground, playing the fluent. Or maybe the flute. You } could make up to three dollars in a day, or occasionally more if no one } stole your hat. } } The correct method is totally different. } } Dress in a good suit of clothes. Approach someone similarly dressed, } and say, "I'm terribly sorry to mention this, but I just got mugged, } and the miscreant took my wallet and all my money. I don't have any way } to get home. Could you possibly spare a twenty? If you'll give me your } business card I'll see that I get it back to you, doubled." Prey on the } affluent like this ten times in a day and you'll have $200. } } Never approach the same affluent person twice. } } If you feel OCD about that promise (to "get it back...doubled") then } mail the sucker his business card back, folded.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "I'm not afraid to say it, that hairdo makes you look like Bert from > Sesame Street." > > I almost posted this on Facebook, but I was afraid in fact, because he > didn't look like he had a sense of humor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait a second here! } } Are you telling me Tim Chew actually got his first Facebook friend?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My map shows that Greenland and Africa are the same size but my > teacher says that is stupid and Greenland is 14 times bigger. How can > I trade in for a new one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's easy!  Those teachers are a dime a dozen.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That's the only girl I know who... > > Uh, never mind.  She might see this.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, she's my incarnation this time. } } Sorry, Bub.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dog person or cat person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, if you need my help to answer an entrace exam like that, then } maybe higher education isn't for you.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that no-one can buy happiness?  Because I think I succeeded > once.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You _think_ you did, but that's only because you haven't gone to the } doctor for that test yet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In this one "Peanuts" comic, Sally pulls "5", who pulls Schroeder, who > pulls Lucy, who pulls Shermy, who pulls Patty, who pulls Violet, who > pulls "Pig-pen", who pulls "3" and "4", who pull Freida, who pulls > Charlie Brown, who pulls Snoopy, who hangs for dear life on a tree > because he doesn't WANT another rabies shot! > What's the matter with him, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't want one either. You can have mine.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's sugar times sugar times sugar? > > Dang it, that only gets "sugar cubed", not "sugar cubes"!  Grr, never > mind.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm fully supportive of your effort to run a themed coffee shop since } times are tough even for physics graduates, but you should probably } hire a proper barista for the flirty service bit. } } You owe the Oracle the fractal negative-spin antimatter non-fat grande } cappuccino I ordered five minutes ago. No sugar, no jokes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've decided I need a "heal-a-monster", so that I can be healed. > Where may I get one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go to the same place that other supplicant goes, the one who whines } about "Steal toad shoes."