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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So after all the preaching one way and the other I finally decided to go > against my father's instructions and to follow his example instead. > Yesterday I smoked a cigarette! First one ever. I was so nervous just > lighting it. > > It was AWWWWWFUL! > > Cigarettes are supposed to steady the nerves. Do you know how they're > supposed to do that when you've lit the filter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think your nerves will be pretty steady after you pass out from the } fumes. } That's not a cigarette, that's a Sharpie.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the universal equivalent of "God bless"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's raining. > I want to go outside to my car, but I don't want to go out into the > rain. On the other hand, once I get to my car I'll be out of the rain. > However, that would require going out into the rain from a place where > I'm not in the rain, to get to another place where I'm not in the rain > by going outside into the rain without something to keep me away from > the rain. Do you have any advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe if someone would invent a ... device... where you kind of hold a } cane-like thing, press a magic button, and it puts an expandable canopy } over your head to } protect you from rain... Oh.. that would be glorious. } But it would never happen.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As per your request, I have changed.  I am now a stick-in-the-mud. > That is what you wanted, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're the guy with the toads, right? Not the owl salesman, or the king } ("kngk") from the country with no vowels ("wvvls") in the alphabet? } } (Just want to make sure I'm not going to ZOT the wrong supplicant in } error. No, no, I always try to ZOT the wrong supplicant on purpose. } Helps clean leftover ZOT SNOT out of the Staff of ZOT. Frequent use } keeps its abilities honed to a keen whatever, and can even change it } from a -2 Staff of ZOT to a +5 Staff of ZOT.) } } Brace yourself. Here it comes. } } zit } } Oops, I think my Staff of ZOT (now obviously a -13) needs to go in for } some repairs. Thank you for being a target.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Join us in the SPECTACULAR next episode of the Internet Oracularities > when we hear the Oracle say:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} should shut them up. } } Oh hell. Is this thing on?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We really should all get behind ourselves and push! That's the way > to advance forwards into the future where we belong. > > Why can't I have the future now? I want my personal helicopter, my > jet back-pack, my McFly skateboard, and my bottomless beer bottle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The way to advance forward is by pulling at your shoestrings, } not by pushing at your back. } } Most of the hardware you mention will take awhile to get } to the market, but bottomless beer bottles are quie popular } in certain areas, as using them constitutes a misdemeanor } whereas using a knife is a criminal offence. } } You owe the Oracle a balisong letter opener.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "News from behind the fridge" department. > > How did Chewbacca get arrested in Ukraine? Yes, really!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a shocking turn of events, a sentient bear-like creature called } "Chewbacca" was found to be campaigning in Ukraine on behalf of Lord } Vader Putin, the leader of neighbouring empire Death-Tsar. Further } investigation showed that Chewbacca was allegedly owned by a Mr Han } Solo, a euphemism known for holding political mass-debates. Mr Solo } claimed not to need a permit for Chewbacca as he was "a member of the } Wookiee people from Kashyyykstan". Kashyyykstan was previously part of } the Death-Tsar empire and many of its inhabitants are known to favour } stronger ties with Death-Tsar. } } Tensions in Ukraine have been high recently due to the attempted } incursions of Lord Vader Putin of Death-Tsar into Ukrainian territory. } A recent peace envoy mission was shot down over Ukrainian air-space, } although no-one has claimed responsibility for it. } } Lord Vader has always denied trying to influence Ukrainian politics, } although it has been alleged that former leading Ukrainian political } activists Luke and Leia who turned out to be brother and sister, and } were recently prosecuted under Ukraine's anti-incest laws, were in fact } Lord Vader's children. Lord Vader claims not to have had any contact } with his children since their mother took them to live in nearby } Estooinia, and has no idea of their current whereabouts. } } You owe the Oracle an investigation for crimes against humanity against } George Lucas regarding the creation of one Jar-Jar Binks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help me write my grant proposal. > > I'm researching dinosaurs (not "dinosours" like my semi-precocious > nephew Balph spells them) and need to get money from the Federal > Government because nobody else would ever be willing to pay for someone > to write about the gaseous aspects of the digestive processes of big, > dead, extinct lizards. Yes, dinosaur farts. > > To get the money, my grant proposal will have to mention Climate Change > (formerly known as Anthropogenic Global Warming).  That's an unspoken > but absolute requirement that all of us scientists know about. Silly, > but true. > > Now I can't just go and claim that dinosaurs ran on internal combustion > engines, and that their resulting smelly, diesel exhausts caused > the climate to change in various ways over the past 800 umptillion > years. Or anything else so transparently ridiculous. > > Or can I? > > What wording will best get me my money but not make me look like a > total idiot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grant Proposal to the Federal Government } } Outline of proposed research } ---------------------------- } } We intend to investigate the potential for replacement of our } current  primary meat-product, beef, by bio-engineered reptiles. It } is well known that cattle, via methane production from their } digestive processes, are  responsible for 18% more greenhouse-gas } production than our transport  network. We propose that reptiles, } specifically dinosaurs, will  contribute less than cattle due to } their different digestion systems and reduced metabolism. } } In order to determine the potential for this, we shall need to } consider  three main factors: } } 1. The typical diet of a dinosaur. For example, if it turns out that } the food eaten by the dinosaur itself produces more methane than } the  dinosaur, this will increase the overall carbon footprint of the } scheme.  We note, for instance, that the class of dinosaurs known } as raptors  typically eat cattle (in under 30 seconds in one } well-documented  example), and so would not be suitable. The chosen } diet may also affect  methane production. } } 2. The infrastructure required to house dinosaurs. The facilities } will  of necessity be complex and require significant technological } and human  resources to ensure the safe containment of these } dinosaurs. We propose  that a small Pacific island can be used for } this. If larger-scale  production is found viable, we propose using } Australia. They're used to  dangerous animals there. } } 3. Of some concern, and possibly subsidiary to (2), is the } greenhouse  emissions of any vehicles which end up being chased by } dinosaurs. We  hope that this will be found to be a minor } contributing factor, as will  methane production by any humans in the } vehicle. } } Researchers } ----------- } } Dr Alan Grant, well-known for his research into fossilized dinosaurs. } Dr Ellie Sattler, well-known for her work on Jurassic grasses. } } Technical support will be provided by Mr Dennis Nedry, who is } already  employed as our computer system-administrator. } } Resources } --------- } } In the preliminary investigation we shall not need to actually clone } dinosaurs, but we envisage that this may become necessary at a later } stage for experimental verification. } } In the early stages, we shall only need salaries for academics and } support staff, at around $200,000 per annum, including overheads. In } the case of actual cloning being necessary, we shall need around } $450m per  annum for laboratories, security and technical staff, and } facilities to  house the dinosaurs. } } Deliverables } ------------ } } At the end of the first year we shall produce a report regarding the } viability of dinosaurs as a replacement meat-source for the whole of } the USA. Depending on the outcome of this report, we shall then } proceed to  the second stage, cloning around 250 dinosaurs on a small } island. We  envisage this will be completed in around 18 months. } The second deliverable will be samples of dinosaur meat to be tested } for suitability for human consumption by the FDA. } } ------------ } } You owe the Oracle a way to access grant committees' money just by } saying the magic word.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've decided I want some adult toys.  You know, like a Donald Trump > action figure to reenact the debates with.  Where can I find one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can assure you that you do not want a full-sized one. What you should } be requesting is the smaller one, the Trumpet. You may be surprised, } though, to find that it is band in many countries. } } You owe the Oracle a bridge with a partner's ace.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A $100,000 for your thoughts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 101 thoughts the Oracle has during the day. } } 1 Wow, how much did I drink last night? } 2 A lot, that's for sure. } 3 Not enough to forget though. } 4 I'm an omniscient being; how can I ever forget? } 5 DEAR GOD WHY WON'T YOU LET ME FORGET? } 6 Ahem. Better get out of bed I suppose. } 7 Not just yet, though. } 8 Perhaps if I wait long enough the questions will answer themselves. } 9 They won't will they? } 10 Damn. } 11 Left leg out of bed. } 12 Right leg out of bed. } 13 Stand up. } 14 What was that noise? } 15 Oh, just my knees, never mind. } 16 Walk to bathroom. } 17 Shower. } 18 Where's Zadoc with my breakfast? } 19 Oh, he's still asleep. } 20 Doesn't he look so peaceful lying there? } 21 Yes. } 22 OY ZADOC! WAKE UP YOU LAZY BUM! } 23 Why does Zadoc put up with this? } 24 Because he worships me. } 25 Hmm, breakfast not bad. Must remember to thank Zadoc. } 26 Not just now, though, it'd only make him happy. } 27 A happy Zadoc is a distracted Zadoc. } 28 Right, down to business. } 29 Check e-mails. } 30 Wow, 1,251,487 questions. Is that a record? } 31 No. } 32 Filter for woodchuck questions and apply auto-ZOT. } 33 Filter for questions about Lisa and send random Playboy article. } 34 Still 34,910 questions left. } 35 Filter for lack of grovel and send humourous put-down. } 36 Filter for people who need Oracle system support and advise them to }    post their database password on StackOverflow. } 37 Only 17 questions left. } 38 Look up Star-Wars references. } 39 Look up British cricket references. } 40 Write script for "The Umpire Strikes Back" set in Lords Vaders' }    Cricket Ground, by A.P. Lucas. } 41 Look up list of types of vegetable. } 42 Hope that the supplicant isn't Donald Trump. } 43 Realise he wouldn't understand the joke anyway. } 44 Look up entire works of Flanders and Swann. } 45 Listen to entire back-catalogue of Flanders and Swann. } 46 Look up names of Viennese orchestral players from the 18th century. } 47 Is this answer is going to be too esoteric? } 48 Yes. } 49 Do I care about that? } 50 No. } 51 Why are the remaining questions all about Liza? } 52 Probably a spelling error. } 53 Caused by one-handed typing. } 54 Send remaining supplicants Playboy article. By Isaac Asimov. } 55 Wait a minute, one last question to deal with. } 56 I'm being offered how much? } 57 In actual money? } 58 For just typing out my thoughts? } 59 Might as well, what have I got to lose? } 60 Here goes, then. } 61 Write all the numbers from 1 to 101. } 62 Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start). } 63 Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, a drop of golden sun. } 64 Oh no, not an ear-worm again. } 65 Listen to Bohemian Rhapsody to block it out. } 66 Done. } 67 Right, down to business. } 68 What did I do this morning? } 69 Oh, yes. } 70 Describe getting up. } 71 Skip description of me in shower with Lisa. } 72 Make up some numbers about how many questions I have to answer. } 73 Inflate them a lot; supplicants mustn't assume I'm lazy. } 74 Put in a few details about typical questions. } 75 Make up some bizarre answers without specifying questions. } 76 How many more thoughts do I have to write? } 77 Forty-five. } 78 Damn. } 79 Double-damn. } 80 Hang on, I need to describe answering this question, don't I? } 81 Won't that end up in a weird loop? } 82 Nah, probably not. } 83 Let's start and see what happens. } 84 OK, seems to be all right so far. } 85 Not many thoughts to go now. } 86 Oh. I seem to have caught up with myself. } 87 Help. } 88 What comes next? } 89 Can't I just skip the details? } 90 Not without actually answering the question first, no. } 91 Which requires writing down everything I think. } 92 Hang on, that just describes answering this question. } 93 Good, I'm out of the loop. } 94 Wait a minute, the supplicant didn't grovel, did they? } 95 I should have just ZOT-ted it straight away, then. } 96 But they did offer money. } 97 Which they are going to send me, how? } 98 Oh, I'm sure they'll manage somehow. } 99 If not, I know where they live. } 100 Oh, look, number 100. Nearly there. } 101 Press Send.