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22 Oct 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 9:55:15 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1562

Goto:
1562, 1562-01, 1562-02, 1562-03, 1562-04, 1562-05, 1562-06, 1562-07, 1562-08, 1562-09, 1562-10


Internet Oracularities #1562    (21 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2016 15:58:43 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1562
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1562  21 votes 36561 39423 39171 64641 27561 25851 13386 33924 34554 36633
1562  2.9 mean  2.8   2.7   2.7   2.5   2.9   2.9   3.7   3.0   3.1   2.9


1562-01    (36561 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a question regarding the questions of what's his name, Ronald
> Bassoo, about immigration. Should we have an Open Door and allow
> criminals and everybody in, or should we have a Closed Door and only
> allow Selected Criminals?
>
> Besides, I have noticed a problem with our own Criminal Class. I don't
> know where to go for the lessons.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lock the door and only let the true Rogues through.
} Hope they roll natural 20s.


1562-02    (39423 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are accordion invited to my birthday partly on Suddenly the 27th of
> Martin at my horse on the cornet of Main Street and Forth Ave at three
> o'clock in the aftermath.
>
> No birthday presence required.
>
> BYOC (bring your own cake).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's some bad spelling! Was I invited just by chants?


1562-03    (39171 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Benefits Of Joomla Web Development?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. It's not Wordpress.
} 2. It's not Wordpress.
} 3. It's not Wordpress.
} 4. It's not Wordpress.
} 5. It's not Wordpress.


1562-04    (64641 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quality Social Services to improve web presence
> http://www.conversation-seo.in/social-media-package/
>
> Unsubscribe Option available on the footer of our website

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give me a minute...
}
} NO. DARTH VADER JUST CAN'T BE MY FATHER!
} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! COME ON CHEWY, TURN
} ON THE HYPERDRIVE!!!
}
} Ok, so I'm back.
}
} Wait. I SWEAR, IF THIS IS DARTH VADER'S SPACE TELEMARKETER SERVICE
} AGAIN, I WILL HOT GLUE YOU AND YOUR UNQUESTIONABLY LARGE NOSE TO THE
} LASER OF THE DEATH STAR.
}
} By the way, I would like a cheese pizza with no pepperoni delivered to
} the Millennium Falcon because Me and Chewbacca are starting to get
} hungry. Just take the pizza to the Millennium Falcon on Tatooine. It's
} parked near the Hyperdrive store.
}
} Sent from Luke Skywalker, in absence of The Internet Oracle, who is
} taking a vacation to the planet of Naboo.


1562-05    (27561 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are these two light switches in my house for? They don't seem to
> do anything. Watch.
>
> See? Nothing happened! Did it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't use  the first switch! This switch causes earthquakes in China.
} You can use other switch as often as you like. It just shortens your
} lifespan by 10 year every time you use it.  See you soon! You own the
} oracle a six pack of beer. Just bring it along.


1562-06    (25851 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get to be taller? I'm only 19yrs old so I still can grow
> more I'm shure. I am very short for someone of my hight.
>
> I tryed eating lots of tall vegs like string beans and aspergas and
> celry.
>
> My mother says stand up strait but that is too much trouble, so you
> won't say that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well saying 'stand up strait' seems like a lot less trouble than
} coming up with another answer, but there you go.
}
} Anyway, you obviously want to get tall while laying on your back.
} Replacing your veggie diet with McDonalds food should do the trick.


1562-07    (13386 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In our Statistics class we were supposed to study Poisson
> distributions. The professor gave us poison distributions by mistake
> and half of us died.
>
> Should I have taken Physics for Poets instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Physicists
} need
} more poets
}      to name their new energies
}                    new particles
}                    new theories
}                    new new new.
}
} Poets
} need
} more physicists
}      to find them new worlds
}                   new microverses
}                   new interactions
}                   new knew new.
}
} BUT
} watch out!
}
} When that newton-meter
} Meets that poetic meter;
} When that high energy particle
} Meets that high energy prosody;
} When the quantum scanning
} Meets the quanta scansion;
}
} That rhythmical stress
}         can express
}                 a forceful caress
}                         that makes the Muse: murderess.


1562-08    (33924 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Other people have dogs that say, "Woof! Woof!"
>
> My dog says, "Bark! Bark!"
>
> What am I doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask him what's on top of the house, instead of what's on the outside of
} a tree.


1562-09    (34554 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ADD is "Attention Deficit Disorder"; what is SUBTRACT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicants Unnecessarily Broaching Terrible Requests/Asserting
} Crappy Topics


1562-10    (36633 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I have an "I owe" error?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly. I just executed your problem on an IBM 360/67 that I keep in
} the attic and it says:
}
} IEH0000 UNABLE TO LOAD ERROR HANDLER.
}
} You owe IBM an error handler.


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