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29 Mar 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:27:14 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1563

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1563, 1563-01, 1563-02, 1563-03, 1563-04, 1563-05, 1563-06, 1563-07, 1563-08, 1563-09, 1563-10


Internet Oracularities #1563    (22 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Thu, 19 May 2016 09:42:17 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1563
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1563  22 votes 27652 11893 03982 58333 34744 37930 22a62 13666 14683 13666
1563  3.2 mean  2.9   3.5   3.4   2.6   3.1   2.5   3.2   3.6   3.4   3.6


1563-01    (27652 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dan@klein.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I changed my mind!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's OK. It's good for you. Unless you're a politician.
}
} You owe the Oracle a waffle.


1563-02    (11893 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tellme all about McDonald Trump.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gather round children, and listen to this tale of your forefathers.
} Timmy, stop playing with your Simba toy, and pay attention.
}
} It was in year of our salvation, 1AD (Anno Donaldi - referred to by
} non-Donaldians as the DE - Donaldian Era), that our Lord and Master,
} Donald Trump (as he was then known) came to power. His coming had been
} foreshadowed since the year 77 BD (Before Donald) in the rise of the
} Great Provider, McDonalds. It was they that demonstrated the power of
} capitalism, and the potential for spreading our message of Happiness
} for all people.
}
} The Great Prophet, Ronald McDonald, was a prefiguring of Donald. He had
} shocking orange hair, yellow suit, and white skin. He thus demonstrated
} the type that Donald would be, without pre-desecrating his memory by
} appearing in that Most Holy Form of shocking yellow hair, orange skin,
} and white suit. The Great Ronald loved children, and welcomed them to
} his bosom, helping them to grow by feeding them with yellow food.
}
} Born when McDonald's was but a child, Donald Trump grew in wealth, and
} in power too. He sought many apprentices to aid him in his task, but
} few were found worthy. At last, he gathered his closest advisors to
} him, and decided to run for ultimate power. That tale is well known,
} and will not be told this night.
}
} Billy, do you have something to ask? You are the largest child here, it
} is your right.
}
} "How is this night different from other nights?"
}
} A good question, Billy. It was on this night that President Donald
} Trump changed his name. "Trump" was a name of ridicule throughout the
} non-American world, meaning, "source of foul wind". But, the Great
} Prophet had made the way plain. The McDonald's Corporation had already
} spread its knowledge over the whole globe, and the name was accepted
} and loved throughout every nation. In order to make himself more
} acceptable to other nations, our Lord sold all that he had, bought that
} McDonald's Corporation, and renamed himself as Donald McDonald Trump.
}
} Thus it is, in this the year 1027AD that we are still giving thanks for
} our most gracious Lord, who was taken from us at the absurdly old age
} of 80 years following a heart attack. People lived a lot longer back
} then, and their lives were full of pain and misery. Our lives are now
} more full of Happiness, and thankfully shorter due to the obesity
} epidemic brought on by our McDonald's diet. All thanks be to Donald for
} his vision.
}
} What was that Samantha? Did you just call the Great McDonald "Shouty
} McShout Face"? Heathen!! You will be flung out into the darkness, where
} there will be endless wall-building and gnashing of those tiny
} chattering teeth you get in European restaurants. They seek to emulate
} our Happy Meal Toys, but can only manage a poor rendition of our
} perfection. In time, they will all come to True Happy Meals.
}
} And now, let us join in the ancient hymn of praise, "The Fat-Speckled
} Napkin", before gathering around the Communal Ketchup Dip.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to vote (if you can) for a less dystopian
} future. Something inspired by Philip K. Dick would suffice.


1563-03    (03982 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie, I've noticed that if I do only 99% of my math homework I
> still get a grade that's indistinguishable from what I get
> if I do 100%. And if I do 98% it's pretty much
> indistinguishable from what I get if I do 99%.  (I normally
> get only about 85% of the problems right, anyway.)
>
> Continuing that thought, why can't I do maybe 14% and still get a
> pretty good grade? Each point down that slope is nearly
> indistinguishable from the next point up or down. Why
> doesn't it work?
>
> And what can I do to make up for the results of my experiments in
> doing only 7 out of 50 problems? Don't suggest drinking more
> beer this time. I can't buy it legally, which means I'd have
> to steal it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, sir or madam, are a genius (or you would be if you'd lived 500
} years ago).
}
} What you have discovered (except that Newton and Leibnitz beat you
} to  it), is the theory of infinitesimals, combined with Taylor's
} theorem.  This says that you can determine the global behaviour of a
} function (in  this case, your grades) by examining how it behaves
} under very small  changes (in this case, your total effort) local to
} a point.
}
} Your scheme doesn't work because grades are discontinuous, at the
} jump  from A- to B+, for example. Taylor's theorem therefore does not
} apply.
}
} You owe the Oracle the solution to this by the discovery of measure
} theory, where a measure is 25ml of vodka*.
}
} * Please drink responsibly. Do not drink if you are under the age
} limit for drinking alcohol in your country. Alcohol purchase and
} consumption is regulated by law. The Internet Oracle does not
} condone excessive  drinking unless you end up doing something really
} funny.


1563-04    (58333 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That guy in front of me needs a haircut; his hair is almost feminine.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here you go:
}
} --------------------------------------------
} |  This coupon plus 25 cents good for one   |
} |  25-cent haircut at Sam The Barber in     |
} |  Island River City. Expires 21 June 1948. |
} ---------------------------------------------
}
} Not only will he get a haircut, but you won't see him until 1947.
}
} You owe the Oracle H. G. Wells, Orson Welles, Orson Bean, and Hg(CNO)2.


1563-05    (34744 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, Orrie? Is it just me, or do you have a TRIPLE standard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, babe, I have absolutely no standards.


1563-06    (37930 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My car crepes forwards. But in France they eat crepes. How do they
> avoid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just use self raising fuel. That should give it some suspension to stop
} it from creping.


1563-07    (22a62 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that Mormons go to the temple to do ceilings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. *Sealants*.
} Mormons are a whole colony of Utah dentists. Have you seen the smiles
} on their door-to-door salesmen? Flawless!


1563-08    (13666 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my nemesis dead...or just sleeping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is best answered with Schroedinger's Cthulhu, a little known
} thought experiment meant to illustrate quantum physics which was
} proposed by Schroedinger a few weeks before the more famous cat
} variant. It goes like this:
}
} Imagine a box. Suppose Dead Cthulhu is in that box, sleeping, dreaming
} of devouring our world and turning us into a gibbering madmen,
} because the horrors beyond the stars that he will release are so far
} out of your comprehension that the only answer your mind will find to
} them is the consoling safety of madness. Do you know what Dead Cthulhu
} is dreaming before you open the box? Do you want to open it? How can he
} be both dead and sleeping? The box has strange angles, angles that
} should not even be possible, and the mere sight of it sickens you, it
} is as if your heart has been spinning in the bottomless void. You are a
} scientist, you want to know what is in the box, but no, you do not want
} to know, the angles are wrong, your head is all wrong, you really do
} not want to know, because Dread Cthulhu lies dreaming, Ph'nglui
} mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! fhtagn!
}
} The experiment was discarded by Schoedinger after his entire class
} had to be committed to the Arkham Asylum. But Schoedinger
} remembered it, because Schroedinger knew that Yog-Sothoth is the
} gate.
}
} You owe the Oracle Shoggoth-repellent.


1563-09    (14683 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi tellme
>
> Please refer to the attached document contains invoices
> Let me know if it's correct
>
> Regards,
> Lea Ellison

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} hi lea
}
} Please find attached copies of your invoices complete with the original
} bugs and viruses and a few new ones for your colleagues.
}
} Yours
} The I. Oracle


1563-10    (13666 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My brother doesn't seem to think this is a humor site. How do I explain
> it to him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi suplicant, Og here. Oracle gone out for binge with friends Zeus and
} Odin, Lisa in town shopping new lingerie and Zadoc sitting in room,
} covering in corner and sobbing. So Og now answer queries.
}
} You tell brother: "it" is personal pronoun, singular neuter. Stand for
} thing what already mentioned once and writer not want to mention again
} second time. Or third time. Or fourth. Eketra, Og know many more
} number, but that too much for scope of query now.
}
} Supplicant owe Og: supplicant hit dum-dum brother on head what not even
} know basic English grammar word. Maybe help dum-dum think better in
} future.


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