} Gather round children, and listen to this tale of your forefathers.
} Timmy, stop playing with your Simba toy, and pay attention.
} It was in year of our salvation, 1AD (Anno Donaldi - referred to by
} non-Donaldians as the DE - Donaldian Era), that our Lord and Master,
} Donald Trump (as he was then known) came to power. His coming had been
} foreshadowed since the year 77 BD (Before Donald) in the rise of the
} Great Provider, McDonalds. It was they that demonstrated the power of
} capitalism, and the potential for spreading our message of Happiness
} for all people.
} The Great Prophet, Ronald McDonald, was a prefiguring of Donald. He had
} shocking orange hair, yellow suit, and white skin. He thus demonstrated
} the type that Donald would be, without pre-desecrating his memory by
} appearing in that Most Holy Form of shocking yellow hair, orange skin,
} and white suit. The Great Ronald loved children, and welcomed them to
} his bosom, helping them to grow by feeding them with yellow food.
} Born when McDonald's was but a child, Donald Trump grew in wealth, and
} in power too. He sought many apprentices to aid him in his task, but
} few were found worthy. At last, he gathered his closest advisors to
} him, and decided to run for ultimate power. That tale is well known,
} and will not be told this night.
} Billy, do you have something to ask? You are the largest child here, it
} is your right.
} "How is this night different from other nights?"
} A good question, Billy. It was on this night that President Donald
} Trump changed his name. "Trump" was a name of ridicule throughout the
} non-American world, meaning, "source of foul wind". But, the Great
} Prophet had made the way plain. The McDonald's Corporation had already
} spread its knowledge over the whole globe, and the name was accepted
} and loved throughout every nation. In order to make himself more
} acceptable to other nations, our Lord sold all that he had, bought that
} McDonald's Corporation, and renamed himself as Donald McDonald Trump.
} Thus it is, in this the year 1027AD that we are still giving thanks for
} our most gracious Lord, who was taken from us at the absurdly old age
} of 80 years following a heart attack. People lived a lot longer back
} then, and their lives were full of pain and misery. Our lives are now
} more full of Happiness, and thankfully shorter due to the obesity
} epidemic brought on by our McDonald's diet. All thanks be to Donald for
} his vision.
} What was that Samantha? Did you just call the Great McDonald "Shouty
} McShout Face"? Heathen!! You will be flung out into the darkness, where
} there will be endless wall-building and gnashing of those tiny
} chattering teeth you get in European restaurants. They seek to emulate
} our Happy Meal Toys, but can only manage a poor rendition of our
} perfection. In time, they will all come to True Happy Meals.
} And now, let us join in the ancient hymn of praise, "The Fat-Speckled
} Napkin", before gathering around the Communal Ketchup Dip.
} You owe the Oracle a promise to vote (if you can) for a less dystopian
} future. Something inspired by Philip K. Dick would suffice.