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Internet Oracularities #1568

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Internet Oracularities #1568
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Tue, 01 Nov 2016 08:57:26 -0500 (EST)

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1568-01
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please explain ultra violent light. You tired to do this before and I
> just got confused worse and woke up with a horrible head ache.
>
> Oh, and I am sorry about the quality of my other questions. Some times
> it is not your fault at all if the answer is crazy. You know how
> stupid I can be.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's what you start seeing when you drink to the level of infrarement.
} You know, when you get infrared.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1568-02
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> At first I felt stupid...then I remembered people will vote for
> Hillary.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At first I wanted to say I know how you feel, feeling stupid... but
} than I remembered I am the oracle.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1568-03
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now that I found out that Shakespeare didn't write his plays, a whole
> world of possibilities has opened before me. Even though Shakespeare is
> dead, it is now possible for some new impostor to write //new//
> Shakespeare plays!
>
> This is my chance to be rich and famous! Please give me the plot and
> outline for a play that Shakespeare never wrote, so I can write it and
> attribute it to him, just like what's-his-name did with the original
> Shakespeare plays.
>
> I know, I know, I'll still have to solve the problem of being an
> unknown name myself. I'll ask you for help with that part later, after
> I've written a few plays. Oh, and that brings me to yet another
> problem. I'm not a particularly good writer, so if instead of just the
> bare-bones outlines, it would help if you would please write several
> entire plays. Just enough to get me going. Some possible titles are:
> Brutus, Part II; A Springtail; Richard IV; Coriolus; and A Typograph of
> Eros.
>
> Thank you for your kind and all-knowing assistance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've probably heard the line, "If you put 1,000 chimps in a room
} with 1,000 typewriters for 1,000 years, they'll crank out all
} of Shakespeare's works somewhere among all the feces and banana
} peels" It turns out that this isn't terribly far from the truth. The
} inaccuracy of the statement can be found in its wild overestimation
} of the time-frame. People simply don't give chimps enough credit. You
} see, it's a somewhat under-known fact chimpanzees tend to speak in
} iambs naturally, so they're already well suited to play writing.
} Shakespeare knew this, and he captured around 30 chimps so he could
} force them into literary serfdom. This is why it can be said that
} the man technically didn't *write* any of his plays. In fact, he
} constructed them. When you really pay attention to what a bunch of
} irritated, mutinous chimps are talking about, you're bound to get some
} good material. There's a lot of trash in the mix, it's true, but for
} every thirty, "Bananas! Else the kitten gets it, 'piche?", you get one
} gem like, "Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean". The grunt work
} comes in piecing these phrases together until you have a working story.
} If you really want to pick up where Shakespeare left off, you might
} want to go off into the nearest forest, carrying a big net. Really,
} it's amazing that no one else has done it since him.
} On a somewhat related note, Shakespeare also kept a few gorillas around
} for their haiku proficiency:
}   "He will eat my fist.
}    Giving Kittens to the Chimps?
}    I hate that Shakespeare."
} You owe the Oracle a compendium of the full works of Shakespeare in
} sign language.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1568-04
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will we EVER get to see the dark side of the moon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
}
} Oracle Temple Heavy Industries is proud to announce DarkCam(tm)
}
} November 1, 2016
}
} Oracle Temples, IN--(PRIEST WIRE)--Answering Humankind's long held
} desire to know what is  "out there in the dark",  Oracle Temple Heavy
} Industries is proud  to announce their  new DarkCam(tm) camera.  The
} DarkCam(tm) is capable of  capturing still images or video  of things
} in the "Dark": the Dark of Night, the Dark of Space, the Dark Ages, the
} Dark Tea Time of the Soul, and the Dark Corners of the Human Heart.
}
} With this  new technology it is  expected that Humankind will  finally
} be enlightened about  the nature  of the unilluminated,  informed
} concerning the unknowable, and educated on the matters of the
} unrevealed.  Inventoin-Chief the Omniscient Oracle  said "Now they will
} all be able to see it for themselves and stop bugging me."
}
} Oracle Temple Heavy Industries preemptively disclaims any and all
} reports of  ensuing insanity,  madness,  mental instability,  nervous
} breakdowns, unhinged  behaviour, worrisome maladjustments,  and/or
} insatiable desires for ethanol  products.  Spokespriest  Zadoc stated
} "All technologies are prone to  misuse and some products are
} particularly appealing  to people already on the edge.  There's simply
} no evidence that is the case for all ordinary human minds."
}
} Oracle Temple  Heavy Industries new  DarkCam(tm) camera is expected to
} be sold in all major and minor trading centers, malls, stores,
} catalogs, web commerce outlets,  and blackmarkets.  The price will be
} deceptively low, but always appropriate.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1568-05
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Disavowal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Disnotawowel.
} Disaconsonant.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1568-06
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My horroscope is all wrong. I think I was born when the moon was
> shining the other way and my sign is Draco. Nobody wants to believe
> it.
>
> Please tell me what I should do with the last half of my life, and
> also if Betty Elizabeth McSnorkley-Gillfeather will ever think about
> looking in my direction.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Telio-Marsh, I'm afraid that the producers of your horroscope
} presently employ a very strict "no returns, no refunds" policy.
} However, for cases involving observations of the Moon specifically,
} I suggest that you make a call to the Matucheks' Thaumic Consultancy
} -- they are known to offer advice to the users of vastly diverse
} selection of observational equipment.
}
} As to the second part of your question -- yes, she will, but I'd
} rather refrain from elaborating on this, as it may spoil the fun for
} all the witnesses of this imminent dis- I mean, joyful event.
}
} Oh, and your sign is actually "Rough Road".
}
} You owe the Oracle a vintage oscilloscope.  Anything made in GDR will
} suit me just fine.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1568-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My car is so stupid! Why would anyone own a car like mine? Why did I
> buy it? It's purple. Nobody needs a purple car! My friend says,
> "Whodda grape!!" every time I drive by. If I park on the same block as
> his house he yells obscenities at me. And at my car. He calls it a
> turple purd.
>
> What color should I paint my friend's car? Can't be purple, he would
> guess who did it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, what a wondrous question!  For millenia, supplicants have been
} grappling with the question of life, the universe, and purple cars.
} And today, my grovel-free supplicant, you, yes you, are finally going
} to know the answer.
}
} Because I, the Oracle, will tell you why Julius Caesar once said "Veni,
} vidi, vici, purpulous automobilous."
}
} You will understand what even John F. Kennedy did not understand when
} he uttered "Ask not what your country can do for you.  Ask only what
} you can do for your purple car."
}
} You will know why Churchill told Parliament that "we shall defend our
} Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we
} shall fight with stupid cars."
}
} Yes, I will even explain why in the beginning, the Oracle created the
} heavens and the purple cars.
}
} You will understand  why FDR's friend's car so bugged him as he told
} the world that "Yesterday, December 7, 1941, a date which will live in
} infamy, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately
} attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Stupid Cars."
}
} And you will even know why that great historian Douglas Adams, in his
} great history textbook wrote that the answer to the question of life,
} the universe, and purple cars was 42.
}
} So, my supplicant, take a seat.  Sit.  Make yourself comfortable.  You
} do not want to be unprepared for such knowledge as I am about to
} impart.  It will shake you to your very core.
}
} Prepare yourself to receive the wisdom of the Oracle.  Few humans can
} deal with knowledge so complete, so fine, so shocking as this.  Perhaps
} you should take a sip of some nice tea to calm your nerves.
}
} Well, my supplicant, are you ready?  Are you ready to receive the
} knowledge that humans have been seeking for tens of thousands of years?
} Are you finally ready to receive the Great Answer?
}
} I see you are nodding.  Good.
}
} Well then, my weak-kneed supplicant, here is the answer to the Great
} Question, the answer that drove JFK to painkillers and made Winston
} Churchill start smoking, the answer that made Einstein's hair stand on
} end.
}
} The answer -- are you ready for it? -- the answer to the question that
} has defied philosophers for millenia, confused politicians for
} centuries, bothered supplicants for ages -- yes, the answer to the
} Amazingly Great Question of Life, the Universe, and Purple Cars is
} this:
}
} Stupid people buy stupid cars.
}
} Yes.
}
} Yes, supplicant, I can see by your reaction you know now it is true.
} That red color in your face gives it away - somewhere in your tiny,
} tiny mass of gray goo that passes for a brain, you know.  You feel as
} if you should have always known, but of course you couldn't, because
} you are a person that buys stupid cars.  Ah, but supplicant, control
} that vein throbbing in your neck; it is such a nuisance to have to
} clean blood from my furniture.  Go home, now, and re-evaluate your
} life's choices. Get help, before it is too late.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pan-galactic gargle blaster and your friend's
} phone number.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1568-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I on drugs? I just saw a grown man dressed as a My Little Pony.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oddly enough, I just had the following question:
}
} Am I on drugs? I am at a Brony convention, and I just saw a
} shire-horse sending an e-mail.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1568-09
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Man, what a nice rodent costume!
>
> Here, have some of my fantastic chocolate covered Brussels sprouts!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But--! Oh, never mind. This will make great food for Zadoc!
}
} (Meanwhile, I'll just buy my own candy this year.)

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1568-10
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is a name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to Shakespeare her name is Rose but she still smells.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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