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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In my other question where I asked about "lurch" I meant lunch, but > now that I think about it, lurch may have been slightly totally > correct, because I am feeling rather ill, and I think it is your fault > for letting me bring it up again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At least you didn't ask on Wednesday. } } You owe the Oracle some other Thing.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a list of some 314 things that I absolutely must accomplish by > the end of the day today. The minimum time required for any of them is > ten minutes. Some of them require unbounded time, and several require > hunting up or developing tools (software, hardware, hammerware, etc.) > from unknown locations. > > If we were to assume that each task took only ten minutes, then 10*314 > is 3140 minutes, which is about 52 hours. > > We have not even included the time required for eating, brushing > teeth, checking e-mail, or asking questions of my Favorite Internet > Oracle. > > How can I possibly get everything done? The usual suggestion is, > "Delegate," but I delegating to myself takes extra time and > self-criticism. I've already shot myself in the foot for being so > inept. What should I do next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As Einstein once said, "procrastination is like a black hole, both } are attractive, but only one will make spaghetti out of you". } } Taking a leaf out of Einstein's book (he was once an amateur } botanist), we can solve your problem using basic mathematics. We know } that in 4.5 billion years or so, the Earth will be destroyed by the } sun becoming a red giant. Thus, if you haven't done everything by } then, it no longer matters. } } We can reduce the limit by noting that in 100 years time, you will be } dead anyway, and it will no longer matter. Sorry if this is a shock } to you; I'll give you some time to let this sink in. There, that } should be long enough. The point is that your arbitrary limit of "by } the end of the day" is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. } } Firstly, make a list of all the jobs that you have been asked to do } by people older than you. These can clearly be ignored as those } people will die before you, and not realise that you have no } intention of ever doing them. } } Secondly, make a list of jobs that are so important that someone else } will jump in and do them before your not doing them becomes a } problem. Ignore these as well. } } Thirdly, make a list of all the jobs that are so easy that someone } less skilled than you could do them. These are clearly not worth your } time and energy, so the person who gave you these jobs clearly hates } you. These jobs can be ignored. } } Fourthly, make a list of jobs that are too hard for you to do. The } person who gave you these jobs is clearly a moron who is unable to } delegate properly. These jobs can be ignored. } } There should now be precisely one job left on your list. Just } remember that water flows downhill. } } You owe the Oracle a PowerPoint presentation on how to procrastinate. } NOW!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right. The "!" operator signifies the factorial function. It is so } powerful that it can turn zero into one. Observe: } } 0! = 1 } } It gets big fast. It gets so big so fast that many computation schemes } are unable to contain the result. For example, anything beyond 20! } won't fit in a 64-bit integer. } } You owe the Oracle a value for (-1)!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My horse fell on me when we were getting ready for the 100 mile ride > to McMurdo Sound, and now I am pinned underneath him. He won't move > even if I yell and scream, which I have been doing for 6ix hours now. > It is time to bring in the cavalry to help me get out from under him, > and that's is why I am asking you. You won't laugh at me like penguins > do. > > Please hurry. It is so cold!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid that all the king's horses are no longer allowed to help } people who've fallen and can't get up, ever since the infamous Humpty } Dumpty incident. It turns out that horses can get really spooked when } bits of eggshell get caught in their shoes. } } You owe the Oracle a yolk yoke.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I sign up for pride insurance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We all know that the Bible says, "Pride goeth before a fall." } } So go and look that up. The closest you'll get is Proverbs 16:18, which } says, "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a } fall." } } I, myself, the massive and wind-driven Internet Oracle, am but an } amateur in providing profound but contradictory advice, when compared } to the Holy Bible. I was assured in my pride in my own omniscience } until I read Ephesians 2:8,9: "For by grace are ye saved through } faith--not of works." And then James 2:24: "Ye see then how that by } works a man is justified, and not by faith only." } } Yes, I can produce contradictions for you and tell you yes and no in } the same breath, and that you both CAN and CANNOT insure your pride, } but I'm nothing compared to the Bible, even though I am Pretty Damned } Good. } } You either owe the Oracle a gilded lily, or yourself a gelded willy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to write a essay about Joyce Kilmer's poem Trees. > > I'm supposed to tell why "she" wrote it. > > How can I do that without suggesting to the professor that Joyce Kilmer > wasn't "she" but was "he" because I am so awwwfully tempted to "Make A > Statement" about professorial stupidity and ignorance? Like, "Prof, you > gnumbskull, Joyce isn't "she" or "her" you iddddddiot!" > > I was thinking of---- >    I think that I shall never see >    A stupider professor than thee > but it doesn't quite scan. > > (I can resist almost anything except temptation.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When rating someone's poetry, } It matters not if "he" or "she", } } Dear learner whose mind is obsessed } By whether someone had a breast } } Or what form, inter alia, } They had for genitalia. } } You should not ultimately care } If dress or pants they chose to wear. } } What matters more is how their brain, } Could scenes highly nuanced explain. } } I set the test; I'm not the clot. } You're meant to read George Eliot.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Astounding Oracle, you are an Amazing and Fantastic Analog of Thrilling > Wonder Stories. What Weird Tales can you tell me today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could tell you how I came to be in possession of a wild pig with } tusks, but that would be a complete bore. } } Maybe the story of how I invented a teleportation machine that went } wrong? I was literally beside myself. } } Or perhaps the story of how the garage used the wrong shade of red on } my car? That one's a bit off-colour. } } The story of what happened when I snapped the end off my pencil? It's } rather pointless. } } Possibly the tale of how I trained a dog to roller-skate? That usually } falls flat. } } Maybe the tale of the bucket that is too big for its hole? That } usually doesn't go down well. } } Would you enjoy the story of my invention to control my TV from a } distance? Probably not even remotely. } } Perhaps the story of how I invented jewellery for sheep? That one's a } bit rambling. } } Maybe you would like the story of how my oven failed yesterday while I } was making a cake. That ended up half-baked. } } You might be intrigued to know that all the trees in my orchard caught } a rare disease last year. That tale's a bit fruitless. } } You owe the Oracle a recording of the story of the auld empty barn as } told by Private Frazer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Everyone says Trump's just a bad dream and we will wake up and he'll > be gone. > > Why isn't it happening? What is wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, not everyone agrees that Trump is a bad dream. } } For example, a certain Vlad P. of Moscow is rather enjoying it. } } You owe it to the Oracle to pinch yourself every so often to see if } you can wake up. } } If nothing else, it might briefly take your mind off the pain caused } by drowning in medical bills.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Resplurgent Oracle, you can Really Help Me this time! > > I am studying Ancient Geography History and am disconfusulated by > Macedonia and Macadamia. They seem to be different. But how? I > mentioned it to Prof. Howe, who teaches Abnormal Psychology in his > spare time, and he says anybody who lives in Macademia is nuts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Macadamia - the first Scottish man } Macedonia - where he lived

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am trying to cure The Plague. Ufnortunatley I wrote plaque.  Not > placque neither. Uff da!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /-------------------------\ } |       Awarded to        | } |                         | } | THE INTERNET SUPPLICANT | } |                         | } |     for having the      | } |       worst teeth       | } \-------------------------/