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Internet Oracularities #1572

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Internet Oracularities #1572
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Mon, 15 May 2017 16:15:20 -0500 (EST)

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1572-01
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In my other question where I asked about "lurch" I meant lunch, but
> now that I think about it, lurch may have been slightly totally
> correct, because I am feeling rather ill, and I think it is your fault
> for letting me bring it up again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At least you didn't ask on Wednesday.
}
} You owe the Oracle some other Thing.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1572-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a list of some 314 things that I absolutely must accomplish by
> the end of the day today. The minimum time required for any of them is
> ten minutes. Some of them require unbounded time, and several require
> hunting up or developing tools (software, hardware, hammerware, etc.)
> from unknown locations.
>
> If we were to assume that each task took only ten minutes, then 10*314
> is 3140 minutes, which is about 52 hours.
>
> We have not even included the time required for eating, brushing
> teeth, checking e-mail, or asking questions of my Favorite Internet
> Oracle.
>
> How can I possibly get everything done? The usual suggestion is,
> "Delegate," but I delegating to myself takes extra time and
> self-criticism. I've already shot myself in the foot for being so
> inept. What should I do next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As Einstein once said, "procrastination is like a black hole, both
} are attractive, but only one will make spaghetti out of you".
}
} Taking a leaf out of Einstein's book (he was once an amateur
} botanist), we can solve your problem using basic mathematics. We know
} that in 4.5 billion years or so, the Earth will be destroyed by the
} sun becoming a red giant. Thus, if you haven't done everything by
} then, it no longer matters.
}
} We can reduce the limit by noting that in 100 years time, you will be
} dead anyway, and it will no longer matter. Sorry if this is a shock
} to you; I'll give you some time to let this sink in. There, that
} should be long enough. The point is that your arbitrary limit of "by
} the end of the day" is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
}
} Firstly, make a list of all the jobs that you have been asked to do
} by people older than you. These can clearly be ignored as those
} people will die before you, and not realise that you have no
} intention of ever doing them.
}
} Secondly, make a list of jobs that are so important that someone else
} will jump in and do them before your not doing them becomes a
} problem. Ignore these as well.
}
} Thirdly, make a list of all the jobs that are so easy that someone
} less skilled than you could do them. These are clearly not worth your
} time and energy, so the person who gave you these jobs clearly hates
} you. These jobs can be ignored.
}
} Fourthly, make a list of jobs that are too hard for you to do. The
} person who gave you these jobs is clearly a moron who is unable to
} delegate properly. These jobs can be ignored.
}
} There should now be precisely one job left on your list. Just
} remember that water flows downhill.
}
} You owe the Oracle a PowerPoint presentation on how to procrastinate.
} NOW!

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1572-03
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right. The "!" operator signifies the factorial function. It is so
} powerful that it can turn zero into one. Observe:
}
} 0! = 1
}
} It gets big fast. It gets so big so fast that many computation schemes
} are unable to contain the result. For example, anything beyond 20!
} won't fit in a 64-bit integer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a value for (-1)!

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1572-04
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My horse fell on me when we were getting ready for the 100 mile ride
> to McMurdo Sound, and now I am pinned underneath him. He won't move
> even if I yell and scream, which I have been doing for 6ix hours now.
> It is time to bring in the cavalry to help me get out from under him,
> and that's is why I am asking you. You won't laugh at me like penguins
> do.
>
> Please hurry. It is so cold!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid that all the king's horses are no longer allowed to help
} people who've fallen and can't get up, ever since the infamous Humpty
} Dumpty incident. It turns out that horses can get really spooked when
} bits of eggshell get caught in their shoes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a yolk yoke.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1572-05
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I sign up for pride insurance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We all know that the Bible says, "Pride goeth before a fall."
}
} So go and look that up. The closest you'll get is Proverbs 16:18, which
} says, "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a
} fall."
}
} I, myself, the massive and wind-driven Internet Oracle, am but an
} amateur in providing profound but contradictory advice, when compared
} to the Holy Bible. I was assured in my pride in my own omniscience
} until I read Ephesians 2:8,9: "For by grace are ye saved through
} faith--not of works." And then James 2:24: "Ye see then how that by
} works a man is justified, and not by faith only."
}
} Yes, I can produce contradictions for you and tell you yes and no in
} the same breath, and that you both CAN and CANNOT insure your pride,
} but I'm nothing compared to the Bible, even though I am Pretty Damned
} Good.
}
} You either owe the Oracle a gilded lily, or yourself a gelded willy.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1572-06
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to write a essay about Joyce Kilmer's poem Trees.
>
> I'm supposed to tell why "she" wrote it.
>
> How can I do that without suggesting to the professor that Joyce Kilmer
> wasn't "she" but was "he" because I am so awwwfully tempted to "Make A
> Statement" about professorial stupidity and ignorance? Like, "Prof, you
> gnumbskull, Joyce isn't "she" or "her" you iddddddiot!"
>
> I was thinking of----
>    I think that I shall never see
>    A stupider professor than thee
> but it doesn't quite scan.
>
> (I can resist almost anything except temptation.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When rating someone's poetry,
} It matters not if "he" or "she",
}
} Dear learner whose mind is obsessed
} By whether someone had a breast
}
} Or what form, inter alia,
} They had for genitalia.
}
} You should not ultimately care
} If dress or pants they chose to wear.
}
} What matters more is how their brain,
} Could scenes highly nuanced explain.
}
} I set the test; I'm not the clot.
} You're meant to read George Eliot.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1572-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Astounding Oracle, you are an Amazing and Fantastic Analog of Thrilling
> Wonder Stories. What Weird Tales can you tell me today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could tell you how I came to be in possession of a wild pig with
} tusks, but that would be a complete bore.
}
} Maybe the story of how I invented a teleportation machine that went
} wrong? I was literally beside myself.
}
} Or perhaps the story of how the garage used the wrong shade of red on
} my car? That one's a bit off-colour.
}
} The story of what happened when I snapped the end off my pencil? It's
} rather pointless.
}
} Possibly the tale of how I trained a dog to roller-skate? That usually
} falls flat.
}
} Maybe the tale of the bucket that is too big for its hole? That
} usually doesn't go down well.
}
} Would you enjoy the story of my invention to control my TV from a
} distance? Probably not even remotely.
}
} Perhaps the story of how I invented jewellery for sheep? That one's a
} bit rambling.
}
} Maybe you would like the story of how my oven failed yesterday while I
} was making a cake. That ended up half-baked.
}
} You might be intrigued to know that all the trees in my orchard caught
} a rare disease last year. That tale's a bit fruitless.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of the story of the auld empty barn as
} told by Private Frazer.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1572-08
Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Everyone says Trump's just a bad dream and we will wake up and he'll
> be gone.
>
> Why isn't it happening? What is wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, not everyone agrees that Trump is a bad dream.
}
} For example, a certain Vlad P. of Moscow is rather enjoying it.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to pinch yourself every so often to see if
} you can wake up.
}
} If nothing else, it might briefly take your mind off the pain caused
} by drowning in medical bills.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1572-09
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Resplurgent Oracle, you can Really Help Me this time!
>
> I am studying Ancient Geography History and am disconfusulated by
> Macedonia and Macadamia. They seem to be different. But how? I
> mentioned it to Prof. Howe, who teaches Abnormal Psychology in his
> spare time, and he says anybody who lives in Macademia is nuts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Macadamia - the first Scottish man
} Macedonia - where he lived

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1572-10
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am trying to cure The Plague. Ufnortunatley I wrote plaque.  Not
> placque neither. Uff da!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /-------------------------\
} |       Awarded to        |
} |                         |
} | THE INTERNET SUPPLICANT |
} |                         |
} |     for having the      |
} |       worst teeth       |
} \-------------------------/

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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