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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, you won the Lifetime Supply of Prepaid Mortuary Expenses. > Congratulations, I guess. > > What on earth is an immortal being like you going to do with it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I keep killing time on these dang things....

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have just invented concentrated water. Mere addition of water > restores it to its former glorious and full goodness. This amazing > breakthrough in science requires only your Oracular Expertise in > marketing to bring it as a popular product to the people of the entire > world. > > Please offer me your best advice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to market this amazing invention is to package it } into disposable cups with lids, like Chinese noodle soup. } Make sure there is a mark on the side of the cup so people } know how much water to add for the correct dilution ratio. } } Your next step should be inflatable air that can be sent up } to astronauts or down to deep sea divers. } } You owe the Oracle a hand in taking out his disposable trash.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help me design or build a solar-powered night light. I have a > solar panel and it makes a bit of electricity and maybe it helps but > it doesn't work at night. Please send me plans for a night light that > will put out enough fake sunlight that I can use my solar panel at > night. > > Oh and don't tell me about watts per square meter. I already have a > electric meter and it is round.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd tell you to use battery, but you would probably just get charged.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ridiculous question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deadpan response.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I feel very religious today. What should I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sin. What's the use of religion if you don't have any sins to be } forgiven?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I followed the instructions for planting the money tree. I gave it > care and love and fertilizer. Now I have problems. Weevils. > > There are weevils in the roots. Apparently I loved the tree too much, > and put the wrong kind of fertilizer on its roots. The love of money > gave the roots all the weevils.  Bugspray? To whom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just choose the lesser weevil.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy cow man! Why is that even an issue!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You got a problem with Hinduism?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As everyone knows, you are T. Internet Oracle, and I am J. Random > Supplicant. > > Furthermore, we all know that the "T" in your name stands for "The". > > What the hell does the "J" in my name represent? Idiots everywhere are > curious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see. } } You are slow. } You sometimes freeze and stutter for no reason. } When you get confused, you start yelling a ton of meaningless garbage. } When you arrive, you bring with you a bunch of difficult to get rid of } parasites. } Everyone considers you a big security risk. } } It should be obvious that you, supplicant, are written in Java.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Microsoft account > Unusual sign-in activity > We detected something unusual about a recent sign-in to the Microsoft > account tellme@internetoracle.org. To help keep you safe, we required > an extra security challenge. Sign-in details: > Country/region: Romania > IP address: 6.641.593.680 > Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2017 16:37:15 -0000 > If this was you, then you can safely ignore this email. > If you're not sure this was you, a malicious user might have your > password. Please review your recent activity and we'll help you take > corrective action. > > Please check out attached document for further instructions. > > Thanks, > The Microsoft account team

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you, thank you, thank you. } } Zadoc had mistakenly clicked on an image of a W**dCh*ck that was } holding a sign saying ZOT ME. It was of course a trap that released a } pre-loaded virus that Zadoc had picked up while hiking the Indiana Alps } last winter. } } I have told Zadoc that he must hang by his thumbs over the alligator } pit, but as you know I would never do such a thing to him. Instead he } will find himself going into the virtual w**dch*ck pen and removing the } virus, bit by bit. It's 17 megabytes in size, so he will be busy for } quite a while. Sort of like picking the sulfur atoms out of diesel } fuel, to make low-sulfur diesel. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of diesel-powered skis.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I not enjoy kissing her? I'm pretty sure I like girls as much as > the next guy. Or the guy after him, if that's a more fitting example.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The whole situation is dreadfully more complicated than you } let on.  She actually prefers the next guy, which is why she's } rather inattentive to your osculatory exercises, leading to your } dissatisfaction. The next guy, however, prefers the person to whom } you refer as "the guy after him" who in turn doesn't prefer anyone } except his 1948 MG TC. } } One can easily understand the affection for the TC, which is why I } recommend that you get yourself one. If you cannot find one you like } and can afford, go for a TD. They are slightly more available.