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Internet Oracularities #1575

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Internet Oracularities #1575
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2017 14:25:03 -0500 (EST)

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   1575
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1575-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me the history of the 1938 Army Air Corpse, which is where
> my grandfather was supposed to be killed accept that he dyed first
> crashing headlong sideways into a air traffic control towel that wasn't
> built yet.
>
> Oh an this time by your request I fix all the spelling mistakes. Not
> like lost time. You are wright I was wrong. Spell check really helps.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your grandfather flew a Spiffy-Tyre into a row of Haricot Verts and
} was krilled instantly.
} The Underwater Frying Cor-Blimey refused to pay out any life-insurance
} because they said he was a shell-fish bastard.
} When it was pointed out that your grandfather flew into a trowel that
} had been left there by another pirate, they accused him of digging his
} own grave.
}
} The history of the Rifling Core starts in 1763, three years after it
} was founded. Due to the shortage of planes, everyone sat on the ground
} and made vroom-vroom noises for 140 years.
} Then, in 1903, Wilma Right and Orville (the green duck who couldn't
} fly) tried jumping off a baseball mound and failed to hit the ground
} for 2 minutes.
}
} Shortly afterwards, World War II began, was quickly stopped for
} rebranding, and relaunched as World War I. The Harming Hair Oops burnt
} its bridges and took part in a game of "Last One In The Air is a Sore
} Loser".
}
} After a short pause for re-arming, World War I was relaunched as World
} War II (now with extra sugar), and the history of the Army Air Corps
} is tied up with the Burly Air-Drop.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of your grandfather's flying bridges.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1575-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The L stands for lettuce, the B for bacon, and the T for tomato; I get
> that much.
>
> But what is the G?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grades.
}
} Your grades in that course, "Sex and Sexuality in Modern Times" have
} been especially poor since you discovered that the course wasn't at all
} what you thought it would be.
}
} You owe the Oracle a syllabus for "Sex and Sexuality in Comic Sans."

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1575-03
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you access the NES Golf game on the Nintendo Switch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I use a 5-iron. It is amazing the amount of satisfaction one can gain
} from clobbering recalcitrant hardware with some sort of appropriate
} hammer.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1575-04
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, I live in Dullest, Texas.
>
> I know you'll be thinking that either I mean DALLAS or that I live in
> the Dulles Airport near DC.
>
> No. I live out where there is NOTHING but Texas. Flat Texas. Flat,
> boring Texas.
>
> Please give me a list of ten ways to make Texas less boring. Don't
> include floods or hurricanes. Or paint. Paint fades real fast here in
> the bright Texas sun.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Rechamber all your guns to .22 caliber. This will make their bore
}    smaller.
}
} 2) Stop boring for oil.
}
} 3) Remove all repetitive excercises from the school curriculum. There
}    are called drills for a reason.
}
} 4) Especially in boreding schoools.
}
} 5) Expel anybody who ever bore the brunt of anything.
}
} 6) To Borneo, preferably.
}
} 7) Invest in treatment programs for the Bohring-Opitz syndrome.
}
} 8) Keep an all-year open season for boars.
}
} 9) Promote boron-free glass and insecticides.
}
} 10) Ask more interesting questions.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1575-05
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I insure my car for Actual Crash Value or for Total Disability
> if I plan to have a accident? I have paid so munch for insurance in the
> passed and I need to get something back. Like if it's a $3500 car and I
> insure for $35,000 I could come out ahead finally.
>
> I was thinking like maybe I jump out before it rolls off the edge at
> Big Sur. Or Lesser Sur. Or Not Sur At All. So insur where and how much?
> And how fast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whooah, slow down. You can't just over-insure your car and then
} "accidentally" wreck it. Insurance companies know all about that kind
} of trick and they will catch you.
}
} Other things you shouldn't try to get insurance:
}
} - Claiming to be a world-class pianist, insuring your hands, and then
} trying to juggle chain-saws in a thunderstorm. This scheme breaks down
} when the insurance company discovers you could only play "Chopsticks"
} before the accident.
}
} - Claiming to be a model, insuring your face, and then making
} sandpaper a part of your skin-care  regime. This scheme breaks down
} when "before" photos are discovered.
}
} - Claiming to be a brilliant actor, insuring your body, and then
} playing with cobras and claiming that snake venom has prevented your
} face from showing any expression. This scheme breaks down when any of
} Keanu Reeves' movies are shown.
}
} What will work, however, is if you start a career as an avant-garde
} artist, exhibiting rubbish and labelling it as art:
} - Waste-paper baskets filled with old movie scripts (Title: Rejection)
} - Waste-paper baskets filled with bills and final demands for payment
} (Title: The overthrow of capitalism)
} - Crushed waste-paper baskets in a skip (Title: Irony)
}
} Then, fill your car with rubbish, drive it to a war-zone and leave it
} there for a bit.
}
} If it gets completely blown up, claim on the insurance for all the
} "art-work" in it.
} If it only gets partly destroyed, exhibit the car as "Man's inhumanity
} to defenceless machines: an injustice that will be avenged" (This will
} also help protect you in the coming robot uprising.)
} If you get injured while in the war-zone, claim insurance as a
} world-renowned artist who now cannot work.
} If you actually get killed, arrange for your corpse to be exhibited
} entitled "Man's stupidity: why the robot uprising will be a mercy".
} (This will also help protect your family in the coming robot
} uprising.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a share in the insurance pay-out. If all else
} fails, I'll exhibit this answer as "Exploiting man's stupidity: The
} first salvo in the robot uprising."

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1575-06
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me about the painful General Grapeshot, who invented the
> idea of filing a cannon with prunes and other fruit after he had run
> out of gnupowder. My Uncle, Bunyan Maxwellenuff, says it's a
> little-known chapter of History that deserves appropriate treatment.
>
> And why just a treatment, not a cure?
>
> Or a replacement uncle? Wanna job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, high-velocity prunes, the most effective laxative known to man.
} Anyone in the line of fire definitely got their just desserts, and it
} was no trifling matter. An army may march on its stomach, but all the
} officers I know would have their stomachs best used as trampolines to
} enable the artillery to see further.
}
} Other militarised desserts from the same period include:
}
} Roo-barb pies: Australian specific, it involved giving kangaroos
} spiked trainers and sending them over to bounce on the enemy.
}
} The Creme Brawl-A: The enemy was showered with milk, eggs, and cream
} before being lightly singed with a flame-thrower.
}
} The Peach Melee: The enemy was bombarded with peaches before being set
} upon by the Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town (aka Spike
} Milligan).
}
} Spotted Dick: No, not a weaponised venereal disease, but a distraction
} technique. All the soldiers would shout, "I've seen Richard". The
} enemy, startled, would turn around to look behind them, and would then
} be attacked.
}
} Terror-misu: A combination of coffee to keep the soldiers awake at
} night, a spraying of the enemy by eggs and sugar, followed by a
} surprise whipping in the early hours. If you're wondering where the
} mascarpone comes in, it's because the ponies were camouflaged.
}
} Many of these desserts were later used to subdue public schoolboys in
} England. My stomach still suffers from the military grade rice pudding
} I was fed from age 11 to 18.
}
} You owe the Oracle some more complete cobblers.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1575-07
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bad Request
> The server found your request confusing and isn't sure how to proceed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Instructions to server:
} 1. Breathe on customer: "Yawanna mash?"
} 2. Regardless of answer, scoop mashed potatoes onto plate and put
}    pseudo-gravy on top, sort of.
} 3. Breathe again, spitting: "Heresya meatloaf."
} 4. Place meatloaf on top of mashed potatoes. Add more pseudo-gravy with
}    extra grease.
} 5. Hand plate to customer, spilling gravy onto his shirt sleeve.
}
} Every server should understand these methods without instruction.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Horn and Hardart.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1575-08
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The weather report says the wind is from the north at zero miles per
> hour. I want them to tell me it is from the east at zero instead,
> because the angular origin in polar coordinates is properly specified
> as the lower edge of the upper right-hand quadrant.
>
> You are certainly more skilled at mathematics than I am, owing to your
> supremely intellectual omniscience. Please tell me how to rotate the
> headquarters of the meteorological office by -90 degrees.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take that apple tart out of the fridge, eat 50% of it, then make all
} your colleagues walk round it.
}
} Congratulations; you've moved the Met Office round pie by two.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of how to get an orange tan by
} committing a venial sin over a cos lettuce.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1575-09
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you have previously told me, the Dutch painter Jan Vermeer was
> interested in obscure things and may have used a camera obscura to
> photograph them. I am seeking his lost and obscure painting
> "Tyrannosourus Wrecks His Own Marriage" which is hypothesized on the
> basis of evidence I obtained through your majestic and totally
> inarticulate sleight-of-hand. Thank you for getting me into the frame
> of mind to appreciate such things. Sometimes I feel that I owe my
> entire existence to your unavoidable and insoluble advice.
>
> Where is the painting? What have you done with it? I want it now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You figured it out then? To fill you in on some of the details which
} may not be immediately apparent to you:
}
} Jan Vermeer (Vermie to his friends) was lying drunk in a gutter one
} evening, when he found he was lying next to Edward "I find I have to
} drink to" Cope, the famous dinosaur expert and part-time toast-rack.
} Eddie told him about some spinal fragments he'd recently found which
} had belonged to a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
}
} Curious what had led to to a Rex's loss of backbone, Vermie spoke to
} the man lying in the gutter to his left, who turned out to be H.G.
} "Mercury" Wells, named for his insistence on drinking liquid metals.
} Wells had been working on a real-life time machine (and you thought
} his famous book was just a satire).
}
} When the early morning road-sweepers scooped them out of the gutter,
} all three decided to go back in time to discover what had happened.
} Eddie put the Rex DNA into Mercury's time-machine, Vermie packed his
} paintbrushes, and they set off. When they reached the year 70 million
} BC (Before Capitalism) they found a startling scene.
}
} Mr Rex had returned from a hard day at the swamp to find Mrs Rex had
} managed to overcook the freshly killed Stegosaurus (for those of you
} keeping up at home, this clearly proves that dinosaurs also had
} time-travel technology) that he had ordered in specially from the
} Triceratops butchers. Mr Rex lost his temper while Mrs Rex cowered
} behind the fern-patterned sofa her Aunt Mildred had bought them. After
} Mr Rex hit his head on the coal-scuttle and knocked himself
} unconscious, Mrs Rex kicked him out of the nest.
}
} Meanwhile, Vermie had painted the picture you mentioned.
} Unfortunately, when they all returned to the year 1902, his wife threw
} him out of the house for not coming home the night before, and Vermie
} spent the night on Mercury's sofa, wrapped only in his new painting.
} When morning came, he threw out the painting, only for it to be
} recovered by Ernst Ludwig Kirchner and used as inspiration for his
} most famous work, "Semi-Nude Woman With Hat".
}
} The painting itself was painted over in 1931 by Salvador Dali when
} creating his work, "The Persistence of Memory".
}
} So, all you need to do to get the painting is to go to The Museum of
} Modern Art in New York, throw paint-remover at the melted clock
} painting, and wait.
}
} You owe the Oracle a defence lawyer who can come up with a more
} believable reason why you ruined one of the world's most recognisable
} paintings.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1575-10
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This space for rent!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $4000 occupancy deposit, plus a $3600 security
} deposit, a $1214.88 cleaning fee, first month's rent, last month's
} rent, and a finder's fee of $23,500. Electricity, water and rodent
} removal will be available after all moneys are paid. Tenants are to
} understand that the cockroaches have prior right of occupancy, and are
} to remain undisturbed.
}
} Smells emanating from other parts of the building or from nearby fires
} and restaurants are part of the normal landscape, and no action against
} them will be considered. Objects dropped onto the leased property from
} airplanes or trebuchets are considered windfall and may be claimed by
} tenants, less a 10% disturbance fee.
}
} Various additional regulations, assessments, fees, repairs,
} relocations, floods and other improvements will be applied as
} necessary.
}
} Additionally, please do not stand on the left half of the bathroom
} floor, especially when naked. The tenants below strongly object to
} sudden visitors, and the Oracular Leasing Agency cannot be held
} responsible for injuries caused by broken timbers, loose plaster, sharp
} objects or firearms.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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