} Fortunately for you I have found the police report sent through time
} from the night of Jens' arrest.
} -- Report Begins --
} The suspect was first drawn to my attention when his pick-up truck
} reversed past me at 30 miles per hour. This surprised me as I was on
} the police harbour patrol boat at the time. It transpired that he had
} attached himself to the Queen Elizabeth Cruise ship in an attempt to
} arrest the Queen Elizabeth for, in his words, "disrespecting the
} democratic process and stuff". On being informed that this was a ship
} and not the Queen of England, he replied, "yeah, but it's a symbol of
} an authoritarian diktat, innit, which is diametrically opposed to the
} natural born right of all free-willed humanity to determine their own
} destiny and better themselves without being oppressed by a non-elected
} On returning Mr Jens to shore, his truck turned out to contain:
} Twelve clones of Ringo Starr,
} Eleven experts in cake decoration (very good at piping icing)
} Ten peers of the realm (all hopping mad),
} Nine dancing girls,
} Eight wives of rich husbands, milking it for all they were worth,
} Seven ballet dancers from Swan Lake,
} Six Cockney geezers alloying copper and zinc to form brass,
} A copy of the Olympic Games logo,
} Four clones of Adele calling her ex, going, "Hello".
} Three 'N's from the sign for the French restaurant Le Bernardin, New
} York City. Two complete bars of Dove soap,
} and Alan Partridge straddled between a pair of Norfolk beeches.
} Unfortunately, while I was attempting to explain to the eighth Mr
} Starr that he still wasn't the best drummer in the Beatles, Mr Jens
} escaped as I had omitted to confiscate his mobile phone, and he had
} called an Uber.
} Ten minutes later, I re-apprehended Mr Jens and informed him that the
} plastic Rudolph did not need to be 'freed from the reins of
} human-servitude and helped to lead a natural life in the wild'.
} However, while I was handcuffing Mr Jens, the Santa sleigh that
} Rudolph was attached to broke loose and went back down the hill
} towards the harbour. As I had managed to handcuff Mr Jens to the
} sleigh, he followed it, somewhat unwillingly.
} Using my detective skills, I followed the trail of destruction until I
} found the sleigh parked on top of a fire hydrant, and Mr Jens
} attempting to tear down a nearby Christmas tree. He seemed to be
} singing 'O Tannenbaum' but in his inebriated state was confusing it
} with 'The Red Flag', as he interspersed the tuneless rendition with
} shouts of, "Why must I be a Communist?"
} Mr Jens was eventually persuaded to come quietly by giving him a
} lighted candle to hold, although I believe he was murmuring, "Soon I
} will set you free to burn the world."
} By this point, Mr Jens appeared to be sobering up, and was now more
} concerned about the poor turkey he'd eaten for Christmas dinner, and
} how its children were going to survive.
} I hope that this report goes some way to excuse my failure to stop the
} smuggling of 100,000 gallons of eggnog from the harbour yesterday
} -- Report Ends --
} You owe the Oracle 10,000 gallons of eggnog.