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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are we going to do about all the stray ostriches? My back yard is > full of them, and they are eating the petunias. I called the Animal > Control office and they reminded me that "Animal Control" is merely a > euphemism for dogcatcher, and that they only catch dogs. And not much > of those, either. > > Oh, and I should grovel. You are a smart Oracle, and too smart to fall > for the joke about, "Is there no bomb in Gilead?" At least not this > time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several simple solutions to your problem. } } Fix 1: } Rabid dogs have no fear of any animal and will bite with abandon. Use } some trained rabid dogs to chase the birds away, then have Animal } Control come and deal with the rabid dogs. Rabies is why dogcatchers } were first instituted and why they are still considered "law } enforcement officers" under the few gun control laws the US has. } } Drawbacks: } Rabid dogs have no fear of any animal and humans are animals. And just } because dogc^H^H^H^HAnimal Control can carry guns, doesn't mean they } do. Also rabid dogs tend to forget their training. } } Fix 2: } While "Animal Control" may be a fancy name for "dogcatcher", they } *are* responsible for dealing with all reported rabies-infected } animals no matter how much they'd rather shirk that duty. So, if you } infect all your ostriches with rabies, you can force Animal Control to } do something without needing rabid dogs. } } Drawbacks: } Rabies only infects mammals natively, so you'd need to do some genetic } engineering on the virus first. Also an ostrich bite is terrifying } even before you have a rabid bird. } } Fix 3: } As an invasive species not native to the area, ostriches are not } protected by the Migratory Bird Act of 1918. You are free to shoot the } birds, trap them and behead them, or (for slower control) raid their } nests for eggs. The eggs taste like chicken eggs, only are sized like } two dozen. The meat has some popularity as a lean alternative to } hamburger. } } Drawbacks: } There's a lot of blood in those things. Your petunias will get soaked. } And raiding the nests is dangerous, since there's that ostrich bite } thing to deal with. Also the talons. Did I mention the talons? } Ostriches don't have teeth but do have long sharp talons. And with a } natural instinct to fight by kicking, that's a concern. } } Fix 4: } Bring in the leopards. They can easily climb trees to escape the } flightless birds and from trees than can wait for an in-attentive } moment to pounce on your pesky petunia eaters. } } Drawbacks: } Still a risk of bloodying up your flowers. Also the leopards will move } on to other prey, like junior, after the birds have been dispatched. } } Fix 5: } Plant some petunias in your neighbor Paul's yard. When the birds go } over to eat them, quickly string up an electical fence. Either around } your yard to keep them from returning, or around Paul's to keep them } from leaving. } } Drawbacks: } Paul is just crazy enough that he may try to ride the ostriches and } lead them on a charge against you. Also Paul will just find some other } animal to release into your yard once you get rid of the ostriches he } put there. } } You owe the Oracle a large quiche.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This year instead of asking you what you are going to give up for Lent > I have a different question. > > Oh, and I am giving up smoking for Lent, which is very easy because I > don't smoke. > > Anyway, my question is about Maundy Thursday. March 29th this year. > There has got to be some way to make a GOOD joke about Joe Friday > marrying Tuesday Weld on Maundy Thursday, and somehow getting > Wednesday into the joke as well. > > Please tell me that joke, or else have a really, really good excuse. A > few years ago your excuse was that you had a "code in your nodes" and > it was ROT13, which is probably the most lame code there is, and thus > a very lame excuse. > > So without further delay, the joke is ... (Ta-Da!):

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So, did you hear the news? This Maundy Thursday Joe Friday is } marrying Tuesday Weld at a church in Temple. The ceremony was to be } ministered by Wednesday Addams. Basically Wednesday will make } Tuesday a Friday on Maundy Thursday in a Temple church. } } Unfortunately Abbott and Costello were in charge of printing the } invitations, so no one is likely to know who, what, or when.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You've heard of Rogue One. Will the sequel be Nethack Two? It only > makes sense.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My plans are to get Willie Crowther and Donnie Woods back into a replay } of their childhood adventures, including much-enhanced exploration of } the Mammoth and Flint Ridge cave systems. They do not yet know the full } extent of those caves nor of my intent. In particular, the Hollow Earth } theories of Sprague de Camp and other sceptics and septics will be } found full of the much-needed emptiness required to extend the original } ADVENT adventure game to the point that it can run on a real virtual } implementation, written in INTERCAL, of a PDP-6 executing on a } mechanical Babbage engine. Nothing like this has ever (and with good } reason) been attempted before. We are on the forefront of } speleomathematical computation and explosions. } } You owe the Oracle a PhD thesis that explains why the Crowther-Woods } code for ADVENT was some of the best-written Fortran software ever } developed. (YOU write the thesis and sit for the orals. I get the PhD.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you say atheists and agnostics are "substitious"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, putting atheists and agnostics into the same boat, are we? } } Let's look for a moment at the true meaning of those words. The atheist } refuses the idea that the unprovable must be accepted as the given, and } thus refuses to accept the burden of proof for believing in gods or } oracles. The agnostic claims, through a magnificent sleight of hand, to } have special knowledge through which he knows he is unable to know } whether or not he should believe in gods or oracles. The agnostic is } thus far more useful to me. } } Thus we have fully examined the positions of those two guys. Except for } them, everyone else has some sort of religious or superstitious belief. } } Now we finally arrive at your purported "substitious" supposition. The } word has no meaning to the true atheist. (False atheists, a dime a } dozen around here, are in the same category as agnostics or shell-game } operators.) Agnostics, and no small number of the deeply religious as } well, believe in The Lottery, and see it as a particularly worthwhile } investment strategy, in spite of the provably dreadful return on the } investment. The Lottery is a tax on Bad Mathematics, being right up } there in utterly foolish behavior with trying to get sensible answers } from an anonymous and fake genius on the Internet. } } So as any fool can plainly see, the answer to your question is a real } mess, with "substition" being used as a substitute for superstition by } the religious and the irreligious as they buy their Lottery tickets, so } that they can claim they are not superstitious. } } You owe the Oracle condolences over his off-by-one error in selecting } the latest Mega Million, where 14 38 51 64 70 9 was the winner and the } Oracular Selection was 14 37 51 64 70 9. So close! Maybe next time. } I've lost so often I'm due for a big win. I can feel it in my bones.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me about the decline and fall of Edward Gibbon. He has > nothing to do with the Gibbous or Waxing Moon, as you told me before. A > silly idea and especially wrong. This time I will flunk faster or not > at all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gibbon is best known for his work "Decline and Fall of the Roaming } Primate", in which he describes the tragic end of an Archbishop by } slipping down a greased pulpit step into the font below. } } He was born in 1737, in Numpty, South Lanarkshire, and due to poor } health had a very long bath before being sent to Oxford to dry off. He } proceeded to deny the existence of miracles, but recanted when he } discovered Suzanne Kirkwood, a Swiss woman who went cuckoo with a } small penknife. } } Gibbons spent twelve years writing his most famous work, "Why The } French Smell", but also found time to critique Christianity. His main } reason for denying the existence of God was the proximity of the } smelly French to England, God's own country. He also maintained that } if Jesus' feet did walk upon England's mountains green, at least he } had the decency to put some proper shoes on first, and not wear } sandals like some Middle Eastern hippy. } } He spent much of his later years in The Grotty, a small hovel with 6 } bedrooms, 3 kitchens, 4 internal toilets, and a view over the South } Downs. He is buried in grounds the Sheffield Mouse Museum, where his } powdered wig is on display and is nibbled daily by the inhabitants. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Gibbon's "Journey from Geneva to } Aromatherapy" (in French).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wide Oracle, oops I mean Wise Oracle, whose fingers never leave his > hands, unlike mine that smoetimes get crossed, please tell me/ > > Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To get halfway around, the quick way. } } You owe the Oracle a wit. You're halfway there.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most calculable, > > Will it ever be the good times again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure. If you say, "Six times nine is forty-seven," (or even 56) then } that is bad times. If instead you say, "Six times nine is fifty-four," } then that is good times. } } A proper appreciation of mathematics will improve your life. } } You owe the Oracle a factorial!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hate complaining because that suggests the blame is yours, rather > than someone else's. So don't blame me if you misunderstand this mild > complaint as an attack. It isn't. I just wish you would get things > right once in a while. Especially when I grovel. > > What I want to say is that I really really, > > I mean, really really really really really really really really really > really, > > needed headlights for my car. Headlights. > > There was a slight misunderstanding. > > Perhaps you gave the task to Zadoc or some other entity whose ears are > swathed in blankets. > > Anyway, I don't need the headlice. How can I get rid of them, and where > shall I send them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, no refunds.  But as a special service to a faithful supplicant, } I have upgraded them to crabs for you.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You've never heard of me. My name is Nathan Spungzupp. I'm certain you > know nothing about me because I am only a figment of my own > imagination, sort of like Bishop Berkeley. He denied the existence of > material substance, and thus of course of himself. It's kind of neat, > because I can get away with almost anything. Watch as I set myself on > fire and nothing happens! > > Oops. > > A bucket of water, please. Quickly!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SPLASH!!! } } There. You owe me your life savings.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I demand results.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good supplication! It gives me a chance to illustrate some } disadvantages of my favorite calculation tool, the venerable "dc" } program. } } Sometimes our calculations do not match our expectations and hence the } results are not quite what we wanted. In the first example, below, we } extract some square roots. (The v operator in dc was presumably chosen } for its visual similarity to the radical symbol. Sidewisely, the _ } operator is the unary negative symbol, because - is already the } subtraction operator.) } } $ dc } 625 625*p } 390625 } vp } 625 } vp } 25 } vp } 5 } 625 vp } 25 } _625 vp } dc: square root of negative number } 25 } q } $ } } That's not the result you demanded. } } Next we attempt division, forgetting for the moment that the dc program } truncates the results miserably unless you use the k operator. } } $ dc } 144 24/p } 6 } 154 24/p } 6 } q } $ } } Again, that's not the result you demanded. } } You owe the Oracle an unwary operator, such as k. Indeed try the last } example yourself, but start with "5 k" beforehand.