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Internet Oracularities #1579

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Internet Oracularities #1579
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2018 13:59:45 -0500 (EST)

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1579-01
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I date to go to work tomorrow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The workforce enforcement policies at your company, International
} Ambiguity Corps(e)., are perfectly clear: "Employees who fail to show
} up for work tomorrow are terminated yesterday."
}
} Take careful note of the restrictions in sub-paragraph B.3.a.j
} regarding the International Dateline. If you are on the wrong side of
} it all rights are reversed.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1579-02
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the way to let a girl down easy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surprisingly, the use of a parachute is totally incorrect. For the
} untrained, the parachute is not at all easy. Even if you stack
} mattresses and pillows at the drop site, it'll be really hard (thuddd!
} at about 15 miles per hour) if she misses the target.
}
} I'd recommend diversionary tactics. Buy her a horse. Yes, they are even
} more dangerous than parachutes, but they totally absorb the mind. She
} will think of nothing except her horse, and whatever you do next will
} go totally unnoticed.
}
} Additionally, the horse will protect her from future encounters with
} guys like you. Some self-centered fellow will say to himself, or even
} aloud to his friends, "After she marries me she's gonna get rid of them
} horses." Won't happen. Won't happen. Won't happen.
}
} Long term, the gal who dies with the most horses wins.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Triple Crown, or failing that, a case of Canadian
} Crown.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1579-03
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love poetry, so I wrote you a poem. Maybe you can write me one, two.
> Here is my poem.
>
> Putting words in rhyme is what makes someone a poet.
> So I am making the words here rhyme and you can't say you don't know it.
> One of the best things about poetry is how you can say anything.
> It just has to rhyme and be something you might sorta sing.
> I could say something fake like the Oracle is useless
> But you would know my words have no bite and are toothless.
> Once I tried to make a rhyme for the color purple
> But all I could find was orange.
> Or silver.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You think doing this is what makes you a bard?
} You can hardly believe it's not any more hard.
} This isn't a Mad Lib with blanks you fill in.
} Rhyming is basic, a pastime for children.
} What makes the poem is the idea or feeling
} or unique point of view the words are revealing.
} From your example, the gist we can glean
} is you think a poem is just words you don't mean.
} Perhaps you'd be suited to top 40 pop,
} rhyming "fly/sky/high" and some malaprop.
} Maybe try something a little less amateur:
} You owe me ten stanzas in trochaic octameter.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1579-04
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please explain unclear power. I think it has something to do with
> atoms but I can't see how it works. You will know better. Because you
> know more than double.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's because it's unclear how fission and fusion work - except to
} those unclear scientists. They always misplace their glasses.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1579-05
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My wife sent me upstairs to get the blue thing. I couldn't find it. She
> yelled at me for being stupid.
>
> Later she said, "I found it!"
>
> It was downstairs, in the hall closet. It was green. I still don't
> quite know what it is.
>
> I'm sure that even Omniscient Oracles have days like that. What do you
> do about the problem? Describe, perhaps, a typical day of Oracular
> Discord and Confusion.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're right, even Oracles have to turn off their omniscience
} occasionally. How could I find "You've been framed" funny when I knew
} exactly what was going to go wrong?
}
} Actually, I don't find "You've Been Framed" funny even when I've
} turned off my omniscience. If I wanted to laugh at people getting hurt
} I'd ask Zadoc to fetch my supply of minced beef from the freezer
} compartment in the shark tank.
}
} Anyway, last Tuesday, or was it last Tuesday, I'd finished a day of
} answering supplicants' questions, turned off my omniscience, and was
} settling down to watch the remake of Groundhog Day 2, when Lisa came
} to ask me a question. I immediately told her that I hadn't seen her
} lipstick since I'd suggested that Zadoc's attempts to improve his
} musical range by strangling a succession of cats in increasingly
} larger showers were as likely to succeed as putting lipstick on a pig.
} That evening, I'd been presented with a plate of vegan cheese and
} chick-pea couscous instead of my usual sausage and mash, and startled
} grunts and oinks were to be heard from the basement.
}
} Anyway, it turned out that lipstick was the least of Lisa's problems,
} as Kendai had been trying to make himself omniscient by taking all the
} labels off the tins in the kitchen cupboard and predicting what was in
} each of them by licking them. Lisa was annoyed that Kendai had served
} up fruit salad and cat food for dinner, followed by soup and
} alphabetti spaghetti for dessert.
}
} So, Lisa asked me if I could prepare dinner instead. I told her that
} would be rather difficult as I couldn't remember my
} Lidl/Sainsbury's/Waitrose online shopping password (delete as
} applicable, depending on what class you think the Oracle is), and
} neither Alexa nor Siri were talking to me since I'd installed Cortana
} on our fridge. Cortana wasn't talking to me because I'd not installed
} the latest update.
}
} Eventually, however, we sorted everything out by making Kendai and
} Zadoc eat everything that didn't constitute some form of sensible
} meal.
}
} Anyway, that evening, I found a slightly deranged looking pig
} wandering about on the landing, wearing a tutu and covered in lipstick
} from neck to toe. Zadoc swore blind that he didn't know where the pig
} could have come from. Lisa had to explain to him about the facts of
} life, and what happens when a mummy pig and a daddy pig love each
} other very much. Strange whimpering sounds can now be heard from
} Zadoc's bathroom, and I don't think it's the cats.
}
} Sorry, what was the question again?
}
} You owe the Oracle a reminder of why he tied a knot in his
} handkerchief this morning, and the notepad he keeps by his bedside. I
} think it has the Oracular omniscience control sequence on it.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1579-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My teacher says science uses the Metric System with millilitters and
> millimeters. She says if something doesn't have them it isn't
> scientific. No inches or pounds. I asked her if Newton was a scientist.
> And she said of coarse.
>
> So I quoted to her from Newton's Opticks:
>
> Exper. 16. The Lens which I used in the second and eighth Experiments,
> being placed six Feet and an Inch distant from any Object, collected
> the Species of that Object by the mean refrangible Rays at the distance
> of six Feet and an Inch from the Lens on the other side. And therefore
> by the foregoing Rule, it ought to collect the Species of that Object
> by the least refrangible Rays at the distance of six Feet and 3-2/3
> Inches from the Lens, and by the most refrangible ones at the distance
> of five Feet and 10-1/3 Inches from it: So that between the two Places,
> where these least and most refrangible Rays collect the Species, there
> may be the distance of about 5-1/3 Inches. For by that Rule, as six
> Feet and an Inch (the distance of the Lens from the lucid Object) is to
> twelve Feet and two Inches (the distance of the lucid Object from the
> Focus of the mean refrangible Rays) that is, as One is to Two; so is
> the 27-1/2th Part of six Feet and an Inch (the distance between the
> Lens and the same Focus) to the distance between the Focus of the most
> refrangible Rays and the Focus of the least refrangible ones, which is
> therefore 5-17/55 Inches, that is very nearly 5-1/3 Inches.
>
> Her eyes became narrow slits and her breath rate increased. She said,
> "What are you trying to do to me? I'll bet your father voted for Donald
> Trump, too. He doesn't know anything. Get out! Do not enter my
> classroom again!"
>
> Does this mean I don't have to go to school anymore? Oh, and my father
> voted for Donald Duck.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember that Newton not only invented gravity, lenses, and the idea
} of being surprised by Granny Smith dropping suddenly from a tree. He
} was also an alchemist, a misogynist, a Christian heretic, and spent
} much of his spare time playing on a beach with pebbles.
}
} He also had two birthdays, one on Christmas Day, and one on 4th
} January the following year. In this respect he was much like the
} Queen. Like the Queen, he made use of imperial measures (such as the
} length of the Queen's favourite corgi, the length of time before
} Prince Philip makes a racist comment when meeting a foreign leader,
} and the volume of gin the late Queen Mother got through before
} breakfast).
}
} Newton was also Master of the Royal Mint. In later years, Prince
} Charles mastered the Polo.
}
} Isaac had an enduring interest in the Och-cult, a Scottish religion
} mostly interested in avoiding fruit.
}
} He was a fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, despite being an
} Anti-Trinitarian. Whether this meant that he had a nephew at Trinity,
} or was secretly a member of St John's College, we do not know.
}
} It is said that he dyed a virgin. For what purpose, or indeed what
} colour, we can only speculate. We do know, though, that he self
} identified as a Newtonian vicious gender-fluid.
}
} Anyway, your father voted for Donald Duck? I voted for Hilary Benn.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Newton's Optical Lectures, a study of
} performing surgery by tickling the patient.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1579-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I think I'm understanding you correctly you said I have to talk the
> walk and walk the talk.
>
> Now that's not making any sense to me, but I'll just sort of wing it,
> and believe that you know what you are saying. I sure don't.
>
> Do you mean that I have to chew gum at the same time?
>
> This is getting to be, well, you know, like something. Was I supposed
> to drank the Kool-Aid?
>
> What the hell was in it? I feel all funny. And not funny ha-ha,
> neither.
>
> Now I'm tiring to walk, and going everywhere. I mean trying not tiring.
> Help me please while I collapse in a heap over there by the doorway
> that says ORACULAR BOTTOMLESS BROOM CLOSET.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} wood.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1579-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My job is to sell insurance to people who can't afford it. I am
> terrible at it, always being kind and sympathetic, but never closing
> any sales. My boss said I'll be fired if I don't grow a pear.
>
> I know it doesn't seem to make sense, but apparently I will need advice
> on planting fruit trees.
>
> Thank you for understanding.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem isn't growing pears, but rather growing but one pear. Once
} a single pear has grown you will have to choose between fullfilling
} your quest to grow a single pear and growing a pair of pears, which
} simply wouldn't do. I suggest you grow a pear and tell your boss
} to get his own. After that maybe you can start a new career as an
} arborist.You owe the oracle a partridge

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1579-09
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just chose my own adventure. Now what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And a good adventure it was. Modeled after a real cave by real cavers,
} the ADVENT program was written in (ghoddd help us) Fortran for
} portability. Look at the source code some day. It is exemplary use of a
} language otherwise not suited to the task.
}
} You owe the Oracle a magic word. No, no, not THAT magic word. The other
} one. And some orange smoke, too. I seem to be out of orange smoke.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1579-10
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, Artificial Intelligence I understand. No, that's wrong. I don't.
>
> I have heard of it, but I don't believe it.
>
> What would really impress me is artificial stupidity.
>
> Where can I find examples? (Finding the real kind is trivial.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Artificial stupidity is most frequently encountered in politics and
} diplomacy, when there is some political advantage to be gained by
} denying an obvious truth or by adhering to an obvious falsehood.
} This is not to suggest that there are no politicians or diplomats
} who are conventionally stupid.  Indeed the most intelligent and cagy
} individuals with a deep understanding of the issues are the ones most
} likely to present artificial stupidity when it is in their interest
} to do so.
}
} For example, imagine a large organization with many members which
} exists to promote and develop the use of a certain category of product.
} The product in question may be useful and enjoyable when used properly
} and have a number of legitimate applications.  But it can be lethal
} when misused. Perhaps a child may get access to one, or someone with
} fell intent may deliberately misuse it.
}
} An intelligent person might realize that some form for safety
} regulation might be in order.  Perhaps one might need to participate
} in a safety class before being allowed to purchase this product.
} Perhaps ownership might require registration and a certain level
} of insurance.
}
} The organization knows that these measures would reduce the incidence
} of injuries and fatalities, but they might also reduce the sales
} of the product and the attendant profits.  Many of their leadership
} have some connection with manufacturers of the product.  While they
} are nonprofit, they have quite a bit of money at their disposal.
} They use this money to support politicians who will oppose regulations
} they dislike.
}
} The politicians who receive these donations have access to the same
} science and analysis as anyone else.  But that money is very tempting.
}
} So despite overwhelming consensus of experts who deal with the
} consequences of product use gone horribly wrong, the politicians
} will pretend that the problem cannot be solved by regulation,
} that regulation would be an undue burden on personal freedom, etc.
} This stupidity is entirely artificial. They know better.  But they
} are paid to act dumb.
}
} And this is why it took so long to get seat belts in automobiles.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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