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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, now, this is completely hypothetical of course, but you know how > on those audience-participation talk shows, like Donahue and Geraldo, > they have these doctors and their patients that have these problems, > like, just for example, they like to dress up as cowboys and dance the > lambada with live catfish, and the people on the show take phone calls > answer people's questions?  Well, just supposing that one day a person > was to call one of those shows and talk about this problem they had and > then realized that they'd dialed the wrong number and the guy on the > other end had bought that service that tells them what the caller's > phone number is, and they wanted to blackmail the person--what could the > person do about it?  Just hypothetically.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > KICK TALK-SHOW HOST. } } The talk-show host nimbly dodges your blow. } } > SAY "I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY". } } The talk-show host ignores your feeble pleading. } } The talk-show host adds another $1000 to your blackmail. } } > ATTACK TALK-SHOW HOST WITH BROADSWORD. } } The broadsword crumbles before the host's withering glare. } } The talkshow host offers you $200 to dress up as a catfish and dance the } lambada with live cowboys. } } > SHOOT TALK-SHOW HOST WITH SHOTGUN. } } The shotgun seems to be made of tin. } } The talk-show host adds another $1000 to your blackmail. } } > BLACKMAIL THE TALK-SHOW HOST. } } You don't have any incriminating photographs! } } > PHOTOGRAPH THE TALK-SHOW HOST. } } The talk-show host is extremely photogenic. } The talk-show host smiles. } The talk-show host poses. } } > BLACKMAIL THE TALK-SHOW HOST } } The photographs are not incriminating. } } > DROP LISA. } } As you put Lisa down, she leaps at the talk-show host. } Lisa starts tearing the host's clothes off. } } > PHOTOGRAPH THE TALK-SHOW HOST. } } You are out of film. } Lisa and The talk-show host are boinking like crazed badgers on the } floor.  Lisa has an orgasm. } } > INVENTORY } } You have: } - a press card } - a whip } - a source license } - a political party } - a keg } - a handbag } - a rowboat } } Lisa and The talk-show host are humping like crazed humans on the floor. } Lisa has 11 orgasms. } } > ASK POLITICAL PARTY FOR MORE FILM. } } The political party has no film. } The political party lectures you: the Russians are tapping your phone! } The political party lectures you: Nerd Power! } The political party lectures you: the system staff is fascist! } The political party lectures you: ban abortion! } The political party lectures you: Legalize Abortion for Whales!! } The political party lectures you: Ladies Against Women! } The political party lectures you: 2, 4, 6, 8, we don't want to }                                     differentiate! } The political party lectures you: technology is evil! } The political party lectures you: Clthulhu Saves! } The political party lectures you: people are dying every day! } } Lisa and The talk-show host are screwing like crazed scorpions on the } floor.  Lisa has 12 orgasms. } } > LOOK IN HANDBAG. } } The handbag contains: } - a dog } - a roll of film } - a helmet } - a Death Star } } Lisa and The talk-show host are fucking like crazed frogs on the floor. } Lisa has 81 orgasms. } } > TAKE FILM OUT OF HANDBAG. } } You now hold a roll of film. } } Lisa and The talk-show host are loving like crazed lemurs on the floor. } Lisa has 182 orgasms. } } > PUT FILM IN CAMERA. } } The film is in the camera. } } Lisa and The talk-show host are boffing like crazed buffalo on the } floor.  The talk-show host has an orgasm. } Lisa has 412,184,145,858,884 orgasms. } A puddle fills the studio. } } > PHOTOGRAPH THE TALK-SHOW HOST. } } You photograph the talk-show host. } Lisa runs off in search of another lover. } The talk-show host puts his clothes back on. } } > BLACKMAIL THE TALK-SHOW HOST. } } You forgot to take the lens-cap off! } Your photographs are worthless. } The talk-show host raises your blackmail by $1000. } } > ATTACK THE TALK-SHOW HOST WITH WHIP. } } The whip has been soaked by Lisa's puddle! } The talk-show host tries to interview you. } } > TAKE DEATH STAR OUT OF HANDBAG. } } You now hold the Death Star. } The talk-show host raises your blackmail by $1000. } } > FIRE PHOTON TORPEDOES AT THE TALK-SHOW HOST. } } The photon torpedoes bounce off of the host's highly artificial hairdo. } } > QUIT } } You quit with a score of 412 out of 107385.  This puts your rank at } "Blackmail sheep."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle divine, who could make a fortune by permitting the masses to > kiss his butt for money, but declines to do so for fear of infecting > them with all kinds of nasty diseases, including AIDS, pray tell this > poor ignorant fool, whose mother tongue is not English, whose dictionary > is is defective to this respect and who doesn't know any citizens of the > USA this:  what does the word 'geeky' mean?  I have met it only twice, > both times in your oracularities and both times referring to members of > your priesthood, so it *must* be a word full of infinite meaning and > understanding. > You can answer in Dutch if you want to.  I put my questions in English > only for the convenience of your priesthood which, I gather, comes from > the USA and so naturally speaks only the basics of one language.  Suit > yourself by all means.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will address your question in English for the benefit of } the rest of the Oracle readers, the majority of which claim English } as their mother tongue. } } "Geeky" comes from the Latin "Gee", which means good or positive, and } from the Japanese "Ki" which means energy.  "Geeky", then, means good } internal energy.  People who are "Geeky" are typically happy, } energetic types who seem to be overflowing with internal feelings.  As } a side effect, however, "Geeky" people often exhibit lack of control } over their body (clumsiness), and/or visual impairments - causing the } need for thick glasses with tape around the nose area.  Since most of } society doesn't exhibit such behavior, "Geeky" people don't tend to } fit in well in most social circles. } } You owe the Oracle a pen protector.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, many pigs will be sacrificed in your honor > if but one witty response can derive from my question!  I beg to know > why, when I buy a pizza, and the guy on the phone says, "That'll be > $15," and then when we go get it, they charge up $19?  Why, why?  O, > woe...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Pizza is $15. } The Pizza Service User's Fee (PSUF) is $2.20 } The Pizza Parlor Access Charge (PPAC) is $1.81 } The Universal Circular Food With Hot Cheese Surtax (UCFWHCS) is $1.19 } The Extra Fee The Pizza Parlor Adds To Insure Against Big Fat Guys }    With Severe Body Odor Sitting On Your Pizza By Accident }    (EFTPPATIABFGWSBOSOYPBA) is $3.12 (for a large pizza). } The Surcharge For Not Putting Cyanice, Arsenic, and Hydrofluoric Acid On }    Your Pizza, No Matter How Much We'd Like To Because We Think That You }    Are An Ugly Obnoxious  Geek (SFNPCAHAOYP/nmhmwltbwttyaauog) is $1.10 } The Voluntary Contribution To The International Pizza Grower's Organ- }    ization (VCTTIPGO) is $.95.  It is "voluntary" in the sense that, if }    you don't want to pay it, you can get in your car and drive at 95 mph }    in the opposite direction, and after twenty or thirty minutes the }    pizza collection agency will give up and let you alone, promising to }    break your kneecaps if you ever come near that pizza parlor again. } Your state has an extra surcharge of $2.24 for Not Getting Knocked Out }    By A State Trooper and Being Shipped to Louisiana In A Heavy Card- }    board Box. } Federal law requires that every pizza parlor be equipped with a Neutron }    Blocking Shield (NBS), to prevent neutrons liberated during the }    pizza-cooking process (esp. dangerous with pepperoni) from damaging }    customers, employees, and flying saucers.  To pay for this, the }    parlors are allowed to charge an additional $41.50 for each pizza. } You had ordered a Super-Meta-Hyper-Special Pizza, with black olives, }    green peppers, pepperoni, sausage, anchovies, artichoke hearts, }    truffles, pate de fois gras, suckling pig, wild mushrooms, and }    crushed diamonds.  This pizza was not on sale.  The one that was on }    sale was the Super-Meta-Ultra-Special Pizza, which is similar except }    that it has Canadian bacon and pineapple instead of sausage and green }    peppers.  That was an extra $250.00. } } They charged you 19.11 because their adding machine has only two digits, } and they dropped the 11 cents because your companion flirted } outrageously with them. } } You owe the Oracle a slice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the purpose of setting exams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm a professor at a major Ivy League University (there are no } minor Ivy League Universities), and I give exams so that students have a } chance to suffer as much as I did when the came to my office hours and } asked me all kinds of questions that I couldn't answer.  It's worse than } the Oracle!  On the Oracle I get all these funky questions, like "What's } a Waffle", and I get to come up with creative answers.  As a professor I } get all these boring questions, like "what is the third derivative of a } spiny anteater, and how does it relate to alcohol abuse in Lyons in the } 14th century?", and I don't even get to make up a good answer. } } You owe the Oracle a good exam question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, please write a response to this message that is > extremely clever and will provide a medium for the word "undulate" to be > sent to thousands of locations over the net.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Undulate! } I think that word is really great! } Undulate! } Hey, watch that sound *communicate*! } Undulate! } That word's my soul's new substrate! } Undulate! } I sing it when I flagellate! } Undulate! } I chant it as I perigrinate! } Undulate! } I think that I can never sate } My new-found taste for "undulate"! } Undulate! } Why, it makes me an addlepate! } Undulate! } The sound just makes me masturbate! } Undulate! } They'll feed me a barbituate, } Undulate! } 'Cause I'm so high on "undulate"! } Undulate! } } You owe the Oracle a definition of the word "undulate".  I have no clue } what it means.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come I can never get past the first chapyer of "War and Peace"? > I've read thick Russian novels before with no difficulty, but that one > always stymies me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first thapter contains a special anti-geek barrier, which is subtly } concealed in the alternation of the letters "O" and "J" on pages 7 and } 8.  (Tolstoy was very careful write the Russian in such a way that, when } translated to English, it would have this property.  The Cyrillic } letters "O" and "Zh" alternate as well, for the same reason.) However, } this chaoter's protective device have a severe flaw.  If you attempt to } read the cjapter while you are wearing a microwave oven full of sex } toys, you should have no trouble at all, and should get through the } chzpter in a chzp. } } You owe the Oracle a book report on the second chapler.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> FROM: The net.suppleness.goddess > TO: The Usenet Oracle > > Dear Orrie, > > I don't often read your postings in rec.humor (I don't have the time, I > must find out new ways of increasing my suppleness.  Also, there's far > too much sex in them) but recently I did browse through a few of them. > To my surprise, there were *lots* of questions about me!  It seems that > most of them were written by the same guy.  A few days ago, I even > received a rather cute letter from him (thanks for forwarding it!). > > It's all rather flattering, but before I answer it, I'd just like to > know who this guy is, and what does he *really* want?  Is it true what > he writes, that his interest in me is entirely pure and platonic, and > that he admires me just for my suppleness?  In that case, I'd like to > meet him.  Or does he just, like everybody else, want to have sex with > me? > > By the way, I must say that I'm really disappointed in you - I really > beleived you when you said you only wanted to be friends, but now I see > that you published some really disgusting sexual fantasies about me in > response to this guy's questions.  If you're thinking such things about > me, I'll never want to date you again!  You know I'm not into that kind > of kinky stuff - that's Lisa's department! > >                                         Love, > >                                         Barbara

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Babs me darling girl, } } Sorry about the sex-fantasies involving you -- they were posted by my } janitor and some of his twisted friends.  I'm getting careless in me old } age. } } I'm afraid that I shouldn't have forwarded that letter.  The guy just } wants kinky sex.  You know that I have to exert my full powers in order } to see all the consequences of my actions, and that's getting hard what } with the arteriosclerosis. } } Maybe you could give Lisa some rudimentary lessons in suppleness?  Then } she could handle this geek for you, probably in some fatal way. } } I got the Day-Glo Spandex tights for you.  I predict that you'll look } especially lovely in them. } } Love and kisses, } } O.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The woman in the next office is kind of tall and gawky, but cute and > fairly bright.  Is she queer, or is it just that she doesn't find me > attractive -- she doesn't seem interested in me at all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not surprising that she doesn't seem interested in you.  After all } if someone were to stare at you all day and not even attempt to initiate } any conversation, you probably wouldn't be too interested to begin with. } But, if said person also had an annoying habit of letting a puddle of } drool collect under his lip, you would be even less inclined to thnik } twice of this person.  But when she takes one look at you, there far } more than blank stares and endless stands of saliva to repulse her.  In } fact she has a whole list of reasons to reject you.  They include, but } are not limited to: } }       -Your complexion }       -Your space-shuttle nose }       -Your Penzoil hair-do }       -Your essance d'industrial waste dump cologne }       -The way your wear your clothes: }               -loud, bright colors }               -wrinkled and stained }               -horizontal and vertical stripes, TOGETHER }               -off the racks at the Goodwill store }               -Mr. 70's }       -Your personality }               -self-righteous }               -arrogant }               -close-minded }               -boring }       -The fact that you let the boogers hang in your nostril all day }       -The little brown stains on your teeth }       -The protruding wart on your forehead }       -The annoying clicking sound you make with your tongue when you }        talk } } So, be happy that she doesn't outright hate you, but merely is "not } interested."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you really catch it from a toilet seat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Sweaty Bum Rot" - n., (Med.) a disease of the skin and } buttocks caused by excessive perspiration and poor hygiene. } Symptoms include flaking skin, itching, burning, difficulty } sitting, screaming in the night, and mooning during hot-wax } cycle at car wash.  Treatment: death. } } Yes, you can catch it from a toilet seat.  Stay tuned } for next week's disease: } } "Hermetic Hot-Wax Bum Seal."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >   This may sound weird but I'm a single woman and I like it that way.  I > want to have a child but I don't want to get married or involved with a > man right now.  My question is, will you be the father of my child? > Nothing more than your sperm is necessary; I'll ask for no money or > help.  Just your seed, inside me, so that my child will most assuredly > be perfect.  Thanks for your help. > >                                                   Helen Pritcher

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It'll never work:  You're a 46-chromosome being, I'm a *32* bit machine. } The numbers simply don't make it. } } But if you'd like to straddle my console anyway...