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Internet Oracularities #1580

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Internet Oracularities #1580
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2018 09:16:34 -0500 (EST)

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1580-01
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I told you I was devastavated and you corrected me and said I was
> deviated or something.
>
> Why do I always have to be wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you are not me.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1580-02
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I thought I had 12 pairs of socks. That would be 24 socks. But I can
> only find 19. Some of them are Polka Dot Socks, and some are Argyle
> Socks. The missing ones are "Argon" socks because they are gone.
>
> Because you know half of everything (you told me so yourself) you know
> where half my missing socks are.
>
> Where are 2.5 missing socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A pair of polka-dotted socks are in your back yard. Specifically, you
} will find 0.81 socks in your dog's kennel, 0.18 in it's stomach and
} some threads between its teeth. Someone has not been a good boy.
}
} The other one is near the yard's fence, claimed by a colony of fire
} ants as their territory. I would advise you to mail them a cease and
} desist letter and a fire extinguisher to make them give it up.
}
} The remaining 0.5 socks got burnt at the fireplace and mixed with some
} actual argon in the atmosphere, so they really are gone now.
}
} You owe the Oracle 0.7777..(recursive) live fire ants.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1580-03
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wanted to say I need help today, but instead I wrote, "I need help
> toady," and my spellchecker din't catch it.
>
> What I got was an answer from Zadoc instead of from you. I guess he is
> your toady, but still, he is a lousy substitute for a Real Oracle such
> as yourself.
>
> Oh, and just now my spellchecker complained about the word "din't" as
> it should have, and also about the word spellchecker, which seems kind
> of silly, but in today's world (NOT toady's world) of increasingly
> invasive microelectronics you just have to suspect almost everything.
>
> What's the best way to round up the usual suspects if you have 3.5 of
> them 4 example? Also besides the point you should help me be a better
> supplicant, not what I asked last year when I was wrong.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Today, science tells us . . . well, nothing, because it's not a person.
} It's not conscious. Consciousness consists of quantum bio-feedback
} psychic energy that hippies have talked about while high. Only people
} can say things. Throughout history, humans have been interacting with
} the infinite via bio-electricity, especially after a Jaegermeister
} bender. We are in the midst of an advanced deepening of science that
} will become our stepping-stone to the world itself. We are at a
} crossroads of complexity and greed. Either one will do.
}
} We dream, we exist, we are reborn. In the meantime we buy lots of
} quality products for modern living from catalogs. The solar system is
} electrified with ultra-sentient particles that are mostly made of
} meringue filling. To embark on the vision quest is to become one with
} it. Oh, and by the way...energy, energy, spiritual, spiritual.
}
} You may be ruled by pain without realizing it. Do not let it destroy
} the growth of your path, or any other strange and interesting growth
} for that matter. Turbulence is born in the gap where transcendence has
} been excluded, and during a flight from NY to LA. Where there is greed,
} power cannot thrive, and so greedy power must ultimate confound itself
} right in the Machiavelli.
}
} Reality has always been buzzing with beings whose bodies are nurtured
} by nature. The nurturing of these buzzing beings is blamed for backward
} bouncing because balance is boasted of by bubbly belchers beckoning
} backward to breathtaking breast-feeders with bodacious bell-bottoms.
} Boy, oh boy!
}
} To be Being, look within and empower yourself and you shall be that
} being which is a being which, in its being cares for its Being. It can
} be difficult to know where to begin. The grid is calling to you via
} supercharged electrons. Can you hear it? Then you need help.
}
} We are being called to explore the stratosphere of advanced bituminous
} bits of brain itself as an interface between guidance and
} transcendence. The galaxy is approaching a tipping point. We must learn
} how to lead divine lives in the face of illusion, especially since it
} isn't.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1580-04
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Teacher want's us to do a retort on "Under Milkweed" by Bob Dylan.
>
> How do I get her declared mental? So they will take her away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, class, come to order!
}
} I'm Mr Oracle, and..
}
} *ZOT*
} I SAID, COME TO ORDER, TIMMY, AND I DON'T GIVE SECOND WARNINGS!
}
} Anyway as I was saying, thanks to the supplicant here, I will be your
} substitute teacher for the next year and a half while your ordinary
} teacher is on sick leave.
}
} We are short on time, so let's get down to business.  First, the
} homework.  By 8AM sharp tomorrow, I want a 27411 word comparison on
} the differences in modes of expressions between the complete Internet
} Oracularities, Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace and President William Henry
} Harrison's inaugural address.
}
} *ZOT*  KEEP QUIET!  NO OBJECTIONS!
}
} So, now that we are done with that, the rest of today classes have
} been replaced with a 6 hour combined exam on using Taylor series and
} Fourier transformations to express the Theory of special relativity,
} pre-Cambrian religion and medieval Chinese erotic writings.  This will
} account for 100% of your marks in maths, physics, chemistry, religion,
} English and history.
}
} *ZOT* I SAID NO OBJECTIONS!  NO SECOND WARNINGS!
}
} No toilet breaks allowed during the exam, but feeling kind, I'll give
} you 5 minutes pause before we start.
}
} Let's get to work, and after class, I want everyone to remember to
} thank the supplicant thoroughly for making this come through.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1580-05
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My sines teacher says we could save energy with Pumped Hydrogen
> Storage. I aksed her how an she said don't be a racist iddiot.
>
> What kind of iddiot should I be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should be a village idiot. The village idiot has a vital role to
} play in a modern rural society, where there is a very real need for
} someone whom almost anyone can look down on and ridicule. Village
} idiots provide a vital psycho-social service for the communities in
} which they live, roll around on the ground going, "OO-ARR! OO-ARR!" and
} scratching themselves. The pay is excellent. A really blithering idiot,
} (and I feel very strongly that you are one) receives bits of string,
} wood, dead budgerigars, sparrows, and even handfuls of mud. The
} interest on a handful of mud is, of course, negligible. However, the
} yearly salary of a truly blithering village idiot also includes
} personal appearance fees amounting to six piles of rotten donkeys per
} year. And of course, from Idioting you can move directly in Law or even
} Public Office. After all, since 1930 it is illegal for anyone to run
} for President unless they have served as a village idiot for at least
} four years.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1580-06
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other supplicants don't care about you like I do!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Exactly! It's even worse than you think. Many times you ARE the other
} supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whole battleship full of new supplicants. Or maybe
} a blimp full. Easier to park near Bloomington.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1580-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 404 Supplicant not found.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, from now on I'm gonna demand payment in advance.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1580-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I way too much. Maybe I should get barometric sugary. Chop out some of
> my blubber stomick. How much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
} The best way to lose weight is obviously to join Orrie's Temple,
} Consultant Services and Gym.
} For only $200/Month you'll get free access to:
} * Unique cooking, developed by an European master chef (aka 'Zadoc's
}   Volcano Arse'-diet)
} * Unique exercises, such as
}    * The Hamster-wheel power generator.
}    * 10k shuffle-on-your-knees.
}    * Daily Get-rid-of-the-bodies runs
}    * Zotting craters repair&refill.
}    * Audience room scrubbing and supplicant remains removal.  (They
}      stick to the roof.)
} * Unique Fear-of-ZOT-based motivation.
} * Unique 'Full satisfaction or twice the ZOT'-guarantee.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1580-09
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yet ANOTHER week just like the other ones! Can't I please have some
> different days next week? I am so sick and tried of the usual MTWTFSS
> days.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shhhhhh; keep your voice down. Do you *want* to start another
} diplomatic incident?
}
} What do you mean, 'what's this got to do with diplomacy'? Don't you
} have *any* idea the problems we faced last time someone tried to
} change the days of the week?
}
} Clearly you don't. It might make things clearer if I send you a
} transcript of what happened...
}
} * BEGINS *
}
} Supreme Overlord Of Time and Years: OK, simmer down. I call to order
} this meeting of all known European gods to decide who gets naming
} privileges for the days of the week. First, apologies for absence?
}
} Clerk: Only from Yahweh. He's stuck on a mountain in Sinai, apparently.
} Again.
}
} SOOTY: Thank Pete for that. As you know, there are only seven days to
} go around, and there's 127 of you, so some of you are going to be
} disappointed. First up, 'Sunday'. I think we all agree that until the
} humans start harnessing Sagittarius for power, nothing will beat the
} Sun.
}
} Concordia: Isn't Yahweh going to be a bit annoyed about that? I mean,
} the whole 'resurrection on the first day' thing, means he thinks he
} has a claim on it.
}
} SOOTY: Yeah, well, he should have made the effort to be here. Look, if
} it helps, we can pretend we wanted to call it "Son" day after Jason,
} or whatever his name is, but Clerk here misheard and spelt it Sun.
} Sorry to drop you in it, Clerk.
}
} Clerk: Not a problem, your honour.
}
} SOOTY: Right, next up, Moon. No, that wasn't an instruction Bacchus;
} pull your trousers back up. Any objections? No, let's move on. Two
} contenders for the next one. Mars and Tyr.
}
} Mars: Tyr and I have sorted this one out. We had a duel and he won
} single handedly. Well he couldn't do much else, could he? Sorry, Tyr,
} just a joke.
}
} Tyr: So, everyone north of Denmark will call it Tyr's day, and
} everyone south will call it Mars Day.
}
} SOOTY: Thank you; nice to see some collaboration on this. Next up, day
} 4? Two contenders again. Odin, you speak first.
}
} Odin: Thank you. I think that this whole meeting has become too
} Roman-centric. The northerners have not been listened to, and you're
} all just a bunch of overpaid, unelected gods who don't understand the
} local concerns of hard-working northerners.
}
} * Collective groans; and mutterings *
}
} SOOTY: Order, order. Will you all SHUT UP! Priapus, if you have
} something to say, stand up and say it. Janus, turn around, I don't
} want to see the back of your head. Cloacina, stop talking
} you-know-what. Can we hear from Mercury?
}
} Mercury: Yes, I would be happy to concede naming to Odin for the
} north, but I think that the south should not be held to ransom by such
} a small part of the Roman Empire.
}
} SOOTY: OK, we'll put it to the vote. In favour of Mercury's proposal?
} Thank you? Against?
}
} Clerk: I make that 52% in favour of Mercury, and 48% against.
}
} SOOTY: OK, Mercury wins. So that's Merc's day in the south and Odin's
} day in the north. Day five?
}
} * Loud rumblings are heard *
}
} SOOTY: Yes, Robigo, it's nearly lunchtime. Oh sorry, that was Thor and
} Jupiter having a little scrap, was it? Since we don't have time to
} wait for one of them to surrender, let's split it as before.
}
} Clerk: Point of order; we don't seem to have fulfilled our diversity
} quota. Four days out of five so far have gone to male deities.
}
} SOOTY: Oh, Frigg it. Sorry, she prefers Freya these days. Any other
} contenders? Sit down Juno, you've got a whole month. At the moment,
} anyway. Naenia, stop crying. Right, Freya it is.
}
} SOOTY: OK, one left. It's nearly lunchtime, so we'll make this quick.
} Someone wake up Somnus, would they? I think Suadela managed to get a
} consensus on this one earlier, so we'll go with Saturn, shall we?
}
} Clerk: That's unanimous.
}
} * Shouts are heard as Thor and Jupiter re-enter the chamber, still
} brawling. They accidentally push into Pax, who thumps Thor over the
} head. Meanwhile, Averruncus anoints Jupiter with something
} unmentionable from Sterquilinus's bag. The whole chamber descends into
} chaos. *
}
} * ENDS *
}
} You owe the Oracle a good excuse not to have to go to the meeting on
} naming months.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1580-10
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We've all heard of Project Orion, which was to have developed nuclear
> spacecraft, powered by small atomic bombs.
>
> Today, however, I want to ask you about Project O'Brian, which dealt
> with a small but explosive nuclear family. They emigrated from IreLand
> to America shortly after the Vodka Famine of 1853, and promptly
> disappeared, leaving nothing but guesses. And a large hole in the
> ground where their house had been.
>
> Please tell me additional and delicious details, the kind of stuff
> that sells supermarket tabloids.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the East Virginia Gazeteer, 1854:
}
} Farmer Higgs' Field Destroyed By Aliens!
}
} Around 3:30am yesterday morning, Farmer Higgs, who won last year's
} most productive dairy award, courtesy of his wife and cousin, Mary,
} was woken by a massive bang. The house being rented by his tenants,
} the O'Brians, had completely vanished. Farmer Higgs said, "Ah woke up
} in mah bed, which was unusual for me as mah wife usually makes me
} sleep with the couch. Ah looked outta window, and saw 'La Grange'
} [French for 'The Grange' - Ed] was gone."
}
} The O'Brian family had moved in the previous year, and mostly kept
} themselves to themselves. Although originally from Ireland, only Mr
} O'Brian was green; his wife and son were red and blue. Their cat,
} Mew-on, was often found fighting other toms in the area, until he was
} given the snip and was then called Mew-on neutrino.
}
} Their daughter, who was a regularly attractive woman, would have been
} considered a standard model, but for her unfortunate attitude. She
} campaigned for women's rights, which confused Mayor Thomas: "Ah never
} rightly understood these so-called fermion-ists. Ah mean, she wanted
} equal rights for women, but they've always had the same rights as mah
} old horse Flossie."
} [ Mayor Thomas's sale of riding crops, glue, and delicious
} horse-burgers will be held this Saturday. ]
}
} Following the appearance of the large hole, which Sheriff Richards is
} looking into, it has emerged that the O'Brians' long-lost cousin,
} Barry O'Nick arrived at the house late that night and had a strong
} interaction that resulted in an argument and the high-energy
} scattering of his family to the top and bottom of the county.
}
} The local minister, The Reverend Gell-Mann, said that there was
} clearly a dark energy pervading the whole family, and that St Paul's
} exclusion principle should have been applied: "Thou shalt not let an
} antiquark under thy roof."
}
} In Saturday's edition: Is Ellen Presley the Queen of Rock-cakes and
} Bread-rolls?
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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