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} Excellent vocabulary there supplicant. 'ingorant' is, as you know, the
} ancient Anglo-Saxon word for 'having a strong odour under the arms and
} around the groin area'. This is, as you have noticed, widespread, nay,
} universal, among my supplicants.
}
} You touch on a major movement forming in our society. The personal
} grooming denialists. Or, 'anti-soapers' as they are often described.
}
} Their theories go like this: They claim that there is a conspiracy
} among scientists to say that daily washing is an effective strategy to
} reduce body odour and prevent crustiness of the skin and matting of
} the hair. These scientists have clearly been bought off by 'Big
} Toiletries', an industry worth billions of dollars a year.
}
} Furthermore, according to the anti-soap movement, soaps contain highly
} poisonous ingredients. In an experiment that the Big Toiletries
} sponsored scientific journals refused to publish, laboratory mice were
} buried under ten feet of lye. Upon returning a week later, every
} single mouse was dead. You have been warned.
}
} Then there was the landmark study by British pediatrician Dr. Grinzlo
} Banaoffee, who found that every child, that he'd seen in his
} backstreet clinic out the back of his hair-dressers and illegal
} casino, who suffered from the sniffles had at some time been within
} thirty metres of a bar of soap. Dr Banaoffee was strenuously opposed
} by the Big Toiletries funded medical establishment, struck off, and
} banned from cutting the hair of any mammal larger than a squirrel. His
} research was criticised for 'base-rate neglect' or some other weird
} term that scientists use that commentators on Reddit don't understand
} and hence can safely discredit. Dr Banaoffee has since moved to the US
} where he is lionised by the anti-spoapers community and has since
} bought Gene Simmons' old Hollywood home from their donations.
}
} Anti-soapers content that the body will naturally cleanse itself
} without any need to resort to unnatural substances such as water.
} You'll notice that many of my supplicants leave a trail of dried skin
} and other dirt behind as they walk, and if they sit too long in a
} chair there tends to be a stain. This is the body's natural
} self-cleansing in action. Anti-soapers believe in hurrying this
} process, so will have 'dirt parties' where relatively clean
} anti-soapers will remove their clothes and rub themselves against
} similarly naked more established members to share dirt and kick-start
} the process. Strangely enough, however, it tends to be the elder male
} established members who suggest this strategy to the younger female
} initiates.
}
} As I'm sure you're now utterly convinced by all the unsourced
} emotional rhetoric in my answer, I'll point you to youtube, where
} you'll find ample videos of angry-looking people who don't blink
} during 47-minute videos explaining the anti-soap movement's tenets and
} warning of the dangers of Big Toiletries. Don't look in the scientific
} literature; I hope that you'll be much more open-minded than that, and
} restrict yourself to online postings by people with no qualifications.
}
} You owe The Oracle five bards of soap, some shaving cream, eight boxes
} of anti-bacterial wet wipes, and a loofah. Not that I'm going to use
} them myself, they'll just be props for my next anti-soaper youtube
} video. Of course they are.
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