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Internet Oracularities #1587

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Internet Oracularities #1587
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2020 09:21:20 -0500 (EST)

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1587-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I always used to thought that Zagreb was in Yugoslavia but now it has
> been moved to Croaita. Who allows these things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} St. Petersburg used to be in Russia, then it was Petrograd, then it
} was Leningrad. Now it's St. Petersburg again, and it's not only in
} Russia, it's in Florida!
}
} Who allows these things? Who's going to stop me?
}
} You owe the Oracle a tour of Cairo, Egypt, Cairo, Illinois, Alexandria,
} Virginia, Alexandria, Egypt, Athens, Greece Athens, Georgia, Notre
} Dame, Indiana, Notre Dame, France, Paris, France, and Paris Hilton.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1587-02
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear and Incontestable Oracle, I plan on becoming a librarian. Not a
> libertarian like before when I was stupid. Please tell me the name of
> a good library school in the remote country of Libraria, far away from
> just about everywhere. So I don't have to listen to my stupid Mom
> telling me to do my homework. Or to you telling me, "Do your own
> goddam homework!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Libraria, it seems, is nowhere geographic It is not there in books
} nor planned by charts or demographic It is not in the Dewey System,
} no-.one seems to know it I think you may have made it up, your lack
} of quals now show it
}
} Je pense, on parle il faut, la meme, parler une langue etrange
} Et puis,. s'il tu peut a la maitre, on avoir la  strange Les faux
} amis, admittedly, in rhyme quite macaronic Asserte-tu.  (ou voulez
} vous?) your reference skills are chronic
}
} The whole world knows that heavy books go down there at the bot And
} light books go on top shelf, and then that is where they're got.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bookshelf.- And some books... dont tell
} Lisa... either Wittegenstein or Agatha Crhistie, and we don't tell
} the taxman

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1587-03
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   I just LOVE Sundays. They have the very best newspaper comixx. How
> can I get a MONTH of Sundays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the old days, the Oracle would get a grovel in a month of Sundays.
} Lisa. please give the supplicant a  UOT (not fatal, but stunning) for
} the absolute lack of supplicancy. Thank you.
}
} Now, it is fairly easy. All you have to do, is redefine the contract,
} oy vey? Look, you have one day off a week, the Sabbath, that is what
} the Bible says, and the Talmud and the Qu'ran, that is what it says,
} what God or Allah or Yahweh says, one day off a week. That is the
} sabbath.
}
} So, now it is an easy process.... Christians have sabbath on a Sunday.
} Muslims on a Friday, Jews on Friday night to Saturday morning (which I
} think was the prequel to the film "Saturday Night, Sunday Morning"),
} but Lisa tells me I am mistaken. So, already we have got three and a
} half days a week covered for your month of sabbaths.
}
} Add in high days, holy days and bonfire nights.
}
} Time off sick, and "visiting your parents" (I know what you are doing,
} but the parents hope that one day you will make an honest woman out of
} her)
}
} Now take the zodiac, which is definitely out of whack. The zodiac is
} out of whack partly because of the change from the Julian calendar to
} the Gregorian calendar in 1582 in Continental Europe, and from 2 to 13
} September 1753 in Britain and Her Colonies... so already for about 150
} years you could declare that it was a Sunday in France and a Wednesday
} in England. Add to that, the French Revolutionary Calendar, where you
} will find that dimanche falls every ten days of the week and then throw
} in the Chinese traditional calendar, lunar calendar, still in common
} use, and you will find that almost every day is a Sunday,
}
} therefore, by extension,. every day is a Sunday. Unfortunately for you,
} you have to worship your god every Sunday.
}
} So you owe the Oracle all your Sundays. HAhahahahhahahaah

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1587-04
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> New Theory! New Theory!
>
> Gravity is shaped like a corkscrew.
>
> That allows anyone, regardless of political or religious belief, to
> support any possible shape for the earth. Flat, Round, Pointed, Lumpy,
> whatever.
>
> Please tell me some of the possible applications and beauties of my New
> Theory.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your corkscrew theory would explain why it's so hard for people to walk
} after drinking wine.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1587-05
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <meta name="joke">
>       <joke>
>               Q: How much 'joke' could a meta-joke joke if a meta-joke
>               could joke 'joke'?
>       </joke>
> </meta>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I never met a joke I couldn't make worse.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1587-06
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Members of the Bologna Community (the Balloonians) have spoken out
> harshly and gently about their fellow former countrymen, or
> countrywomen actually, called the Salamians, without a doubt, wearing
> the haboob, which is not the same thing, in fact or in name, as the
> baboon-coloured sandstorm of the same name.
>
> As you can plainly see, I am in tremendous need of self-correction on
> this issue. I think the issue in question is a copy of Life Magazine
> from July 1923, or perhaps 1932. You could look it up.
>
> Please explain what I should do. No, no, no, not THAT explanation. You
> told me that last time, and I can assure you I am anatomically
> impossible.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's sort out this pile of vermicelli once and for all.
}
} The Walloons are Belgian, not Italian, and this is where Life
} Magazine's woman in the field started to go wrong, apparently filing
} copy after too many Dorothy Parkers in the Razzamazzatazz Hotel, Milan
} (ring top bell). During the 1920s. that hero of many a well-fought
} bottle also filed copy about the Hanging Garments of Basildon, a freak
} can of spaghetti letters that were all the letter "O", the
} archaeological expeditions of Sir Edmund Hillary in Egypt, somewhat
} anachronistically, and invented the crossword, although he couldn't
} find the answer to 19 across.
}
} Strange times, the twenties. That's what happens when cocaine is legal.
}
} It's all sorted out now, so pasta la vista baby, and let's do it all
} again in the 2020s.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Treaty of Trianon, and a wiener (or vienna or
} becs).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1587-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why was that button labelled DETONATE? I pressed it and nothing
> happened.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I guess that must mean you're detone deaf.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1587-08
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You, the astounding Internet Oracle, have a bevy of incarnations who
> help transcribe your answers so you need not dirty your
> prestidigitationous fingers on a filthy keyboard.
>
> When are we supplicants going to get to have incarnations, too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplican'ts get incinerations instead.
} You owe the Oracle some supplicans.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1587-09
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have been investigating the habits of arboreal mammals. I took one
> from being feral to domesticated, but now it seems to want to gnaw
> away at the joists in my attic. This is becoming a bit of a nuisance.
> I have phoned the insurance company, but they woud like to know:
>
> How many eaves can a beaver heave,
> When a beaver can heave eaves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Groundhog Day approaches.
}
} The beaver, castor canadensis, resents your question. There are a
} flock of them in the moat around my castle. Those dam beaver
} have eaten all my willow trees.
}
} Anyway, I interviewed one today, and he complained bitterly. Here are
} his main points:
}
} 1. "We are not arboreal. We don't climb trees, we eat them."
} 2. "We are not the groundhog (marmota monax)."
} 3. "We are not the woodchuck (marmota monax)."
} 4. "Unlike the disliked and loathsome woodchuck, we actually do
}     chuck wood."
} 5. "We are also and unfortunately a colloquial term that should not
}     be discussed by a Family Oracle."
} 6. "We are not as large as the capybara."
} 7. "Perhaps your supplicant was thinking of the koala. They are
}     arboreal and eat trees."
} 8. "The koala eat eucalyptus. They are welcome to it. I hate
}     eucalyptus."
}
} You owe the Oracle some additional supplicants before Groundhog Day.
} Or Christmas.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1587-10
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help me extinguish between words what are almost the same but
> completely different. I wanted a ginkgo tree but asked for a gecko
> tree, with dreadful insults. Oops, I mean results. See what I mesne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to the Uxbridge English Dictionary, this commune pheromone is
} known as a "Fraudulent Slop". You really DID want a gecko tree (who
} wouldn't?) but could only justify a ginkgo tree to your latent ergo
} (Inert Self).
}
} This contusion of worms is persuasive in modem society and is caused by
} everyone being closet cylepaths. There's nothing you can do about it.
} Here rests the case for the deafness.
}
} You owe the Oracle to keep it between ewe and eye.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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