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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don'tcha just hate those guessing games that continue long after the > guesser has lost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, not really. My supplicants (including you) are terrible at reading } my mind. I keep them going over and over again. Losers every one of } them. Including you. The Germans have a word for taking delight in } failures accomplished by others. They call it schadenfreude. Keeps ME } happy. } } You owe the Oracle another failure. Yaaaay!!!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Waarom kan ik geen orakels vinden die mijn vragen in de Nederlandse > taal kunnen beantwoorden?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Help, the Dutch are revolting! For some reason, the resident Dutch } Oracle has gone missing and is no longer answering questions. } } Don't tell me, Hans is taking full advantage of the current injunction } to "Stay home and wash your Hans". } } Well, clearly I need to find a replacement. Perhaps if I get Zadoc to } dress in clogs, suspenders, and a flat cap he would somehow start } speaking Dutch? Given the mental image I've just come up with, } involving only those items of clothing, perhaps not. } } Actually, given that I've been speaking English since 3548 BC (Before } Corona) and the Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, French, Germans, and even } the Americans have managed to understand me perfectly, there's not } much point in speaking Dutch, is there? } } You owe the Oracle the reason why: } "Omdat we niet lijden aan een Meervroudigepersoonlijkheidsstoornissen." } is a funny answer to your question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Talk trash with me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc has again fallen behind in his duties. } } If you'll look in the unused dungeon beneath the fourth sub-basement, } next to the server rooms, you'll find about 17 or maybe 1700 bags of } trash. Take them all, one at a time so you don't injure your pride, to } the rubbish tip site just over the edge of the tip-top high spot place } slightly beyond Mt. Olympus. } } If you cannot get to Olympus, the next-best choice is the Florida } "mountain" called Sugarloaf Mountain. } } Please be careful to check each bag for snoozing priests. Zadoc } frequently take naps in them instead of taking out the trash.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am an M. She is an F. What are the trannies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle responds with oblique reference to old chemistry joke about cis } versus trans isomers. } } Supplicant scratches head. Flakes hit the floor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a vee see are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think of the recipe for haggis. (Reach down inside a sheep, turn it } inside out, fill with porridge, and serve it up in a bagpipe bag.) For } safety, use the plaid tartan with polka dots. } } Record your haggo-preparational actions on a video in 1991, which you } sell for a lot of money. By 2002 you will be rich, and by 2008 you'll } be broke again. Time for another haggis. } } You owe the Oracle a DVD containing "Street Gangs of Sula Sgeir in the } Outer Hebrides."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> H-hi, uh, wh-what are you in for? I, uh, (gasp), stabbed myself in the > chest just moments after my superpowers wore off. Luckily (groan), I > missed my vital organs and they were able to save me. Unfortunately, I > have to wear this for a while, maybe tell them the whole story once > their minds are open to it again. > > But anyway, (ow), what are you in for? (sigh)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you'll remember back to number 638, I was in for: }    * Disturbio de la paz }    * Manejando un automovil sobre la influencia del alcohol }    * Defecacion publica en la playa }    * Solicitacion de prostitutas }    * Vomitando sobre un agente de policia }    * Indecencia publica con un burro }    * Imitaciones miserables de Cantinflas } } Lies, all lies! I was framed! It was some incarnation pretending to be } me. After all, when I drive under the influence of alcohol I can handle } the car perfectly well. And in spite of my tremendous and Oracular } Omniscience I would not know how to perform an imitation of Cantinflas, } either good or bad. } } If you are running a poker game, I'm in for $5. } } You owe the Oracle $5.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Ossome Oracle, whose odious supplicants overflow your queues, I need > your official help. > > We are totally devastivated by the recent events of devastivation that > have descendered upon our small but totally poor and trustworthy > abode. The roof has fallen in, and the walls are fallen out. The > ceiling wax has all melted and is crawling sideways, like centipees > trying to be crabs. > > Yesterday the barometer was falling to heights previously unobtainable > under the previous presidency. It went through the devastivated floor. > > How can I get the barometer back? I need a full explanation with soft > and reassuring cooing noises, not merely a few words of > disunencouragementable blather like others give me. You are so > reliable! At least occasionally.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters meteorological I need to use some jargon } So assume (from basic facts) that the barom is filled with argon } It's a gas that's lighter than the air } And off it flies we know what where } } In days gone past the thing was made with } Quicksilver that nicely stayed } the thing quite sound, being heavy } But injuries were quite a levy } } Some will try with horsehair to } Make their barom do what to do } But that will stretch with aught humidity } Beyond what' in a reader's cupidity } } Other strain gauges have been tried but } Most rely on goold old catgut } } Once you find the cat and feed her } Then you will get back your meter. } } You owe the Oracle the weather reports from coastal stations.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please explain the significance of the f-bomb, and how no one ever > says, "May you die a virgin," or something like it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are hopelessly confused, which means you are one of my normal } supplicants. } } The F-bomb is just before the G-bomb, which is the Bomb of Gilead, as } found in the Holy Scriptures. I know you are thinking of the Wholly or } Holey Scriptures, but that's just another way you are wrong. All this } religious stuff has fouled up your brain, and you are hoping to meet } the Virgin Mary, and that'll never happen. The best you can hope for is } some extra-virgin olive oil. You won't even the Revised Standard Virgin } of the Bible. } } You owe the Oracle the Q-Bomb, complete with mouse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me please!!!!! I am flying my paper airplane here near the > Bermuda Triangle and it keeps disappearing. Could you please > paint the triangle orange so that I can see it again? I am > lots without your help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters trigonometric } Don't be hectic } The answer is geometric } If you take the non-euclidian space of a sphere and work out the } coordinates in the complex plane and then reduce them to the scalar } with a simple vectric } } In short, the earth's curve } Has made you swerve } Off your intended course } But considering the finite nature of the latitudes and the various } winds around those parts it is as easy as falling off a horse } } Take sextant and sun } Make so optic makes one } That will give you the lat } And then it is a simple matter of finding the long and any simple } chronometer (as built by Harrison) will easily tell you that } } Now you have lat and long, and that's plane } sailing, so now once again } Horizontal be. Soon } The old sun is at noon } And at that point at its zenith you can determine your affine error } from the azimuth within a correction of about two minutes of arc with } a reasonably good lens } } If all else fails consult the stars } Remain quite happy where you are } To travel elsewhere's only worse } It could be full of people who spend their lives doing affine } matrices or hyperbolic cosines or write incredibly incoherent verse } } You owe the Oracle three meters, ten seconds, six degrees of freedom, } and a little buoy he once met in Panama.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does God ever get bored?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember "the problem of evil"? Like why does God, being omnipotent and } totally good and everything, let evil exist? } } Entertainment. } } Theologians everywhere should listen to me more often.