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Internet Oracularities #1590

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Internet Oracularities #1590
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 2020 08:03:13 -0500 (EST)

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1590-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gotta do a report of "The Planes of Abraham." So I was gonna write
> about "The Pilots of The Planes of Abraham." But Google (stupidly my
> first choice, shoulda asked you first) can't find anything about them.
>
> Please fill me up with appropriate information. Or misinformation as
> long as it looks good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Around 1759 (just before the 6 o'clock news), the French and the
} American Indians decided that they needed to have a brief war to
} decide which of them hated the British more. Canada, never known for
} being impolite, allowed them to have the battle in their property, so
} that they wouldn't mess up their own countries.
}
} The Planes of Abraham were chosen for this as Abraham Martin was known
} for piloting rivers in the area, and had famously diverted the Saint
} Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen River in to do a spot of cleaning.
} Llewelyn-Bowen is best known for his motto, "If an entire river won't
} shift a blood-stain, then why did Lady Macbeth go on and on about
} scrubbing her hands clean with a halibut?"
}
} There has been some historical confusion about whether the area was
} called "Planes" or "Plains" but remember that in 1750, the Right-On
} Brothers had created the first aqua-plane (or, in French, 'plat-eau')
} and flew it off the nearby Heights of Martin (5 foot, 10 inches, in
} high-heels).
}
} Just as the French and Indians were starting their battle, the British
} turned up (if there's a war on, the British are always there first,
} preemptively picking up the nearest archeological artifacts to protect
} them from the foreigners whose only claim to them is that their
} ancestors only put them down 10 minutes ago). The British had only
} just incorporated Scotland into their ranks, so were spoiling for a
} fight more than usual. (Where, 'spoiling for a fight' means that they
} would spoil a fight by not keeping with the traditional sense of
} English fair-play in letting the other side think they're about to win
} before obliterating them with a particularly sharp nuclear weapon.)
}
} Anyway, the British had brought a herd of musk-rats with them and
} these had been trained to attack the French. (Not difficult, the
} French have a peculiar musky odour to which musk-rats are attracted.)
} The battle was over in 30 minutes, although everyone then spent the
} next 7 years fighting over who had actually won.
}
} In the centuries following the battle, plaques were put up all over
} the area, making much work for the local dentists. A series of stamps
} was also commissioned, in honour of the number of times General Wolfe
} had to put his foot down.
}
} I hope that helps with your report. If there are any errors, please
} refer them to the Society for Historical Inaccuracies and Things.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Who's afraid of General Wolfe", by Minor

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1590-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that almost everything in any universe can be explained by a
> one-liner from "Rocky and Bullwinkle" or by the Coyote's version of
> physics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now here's something I hope you'll really like:
}
} SHERMAN: What year are we going to today, Mr. Peabody?
}
} PEABODY: We're going to the Congressional hearings on children's
} television programming in 1952.
}
} SHERMAN: Okay, here we go!
}
} <<ZOOM!>>
}
} PEABODY: Here we see congress writing a bill that will require all
} children's programming to have at least 6 bits of educational
} information per half hour show.
}
} SHERMAN: Won't that make cartoons boring?
}
} PEABODY: Not really. Besides, if it weren't for that law we wouldn't
} exist.
}
} [CHUGGITY-CHUGGITY-CHUG!]
}
} PEABODY: Oh, no! The Wayback machine is running out of nuclear fuel. We
} have to go to Three Mile Island 1978, where a shipment of uranium is
} coming in.
}
} <<ZOOM>>
}
} PEABODY: Here we are inside the truck
}
} <SWOOSH!>
}
} BRIAN: Who are you two?
}
} STEWIE: What the deuce?
}
} <BUUUUUZZ!>
}
} MR. TWEEDLEY: Stewie, this program goes into the homes. We don't want
} to be a bad influence on children. Please rephrase your last statement.
}
} STEWIE: Thank you Mr. Tweedley.
} STEWIE: What in the world?
}
} MR. TWEEDLEY: Very nice.
}
} BRIAN: It looks like we're all here for the same thing. Let's just get
} the fuel and get out
}
} PEABODY: Good idea. We need to foray into Jay Ward productions to show
} the supplicant what is going on.
}
} <<ZOOM>>
}
} PEABODY: See these scripts? Every red mark was made by someone the
} likes of Mr. Tweedley. Bullwinkle has the tendency to oversimplify so
} the kids can learn new words. William Conrad announces that Bullwinkle
} will become buoyant, then Bullwinkle chimes in, "And I can float,
} too!". See what I mean?
}
} SHERMAN: Gee, Mr. Peabody, I never knew you could learn so much from
} cartoons.
}
} PEABODY: And all thanks to Congress.
}
} SHERMAN: But how did they get that bill to pass?
}
} PEABODY: That's another cartoon franchise all together. You can watch
} the video on YouTube.
}
} You owe the Oracle
}
} URANIUM PELLETS
}
}      -OR-
}
} FISSION CHIPS

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1590-03
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We are off into RC Fantasyland again. We got home from the Church
> service, and ...
>
> ... hold on, wait a minute. First some background.
>
> My wife went shopping for some groceries. Inadvertently, perhaps with
> your unrehearsed help, I had written "paper towels" incorrectly, and
> the grocery list instead showed "papal towers."
>
> Now, in our back yard, right there next to the maple tree, is a papal
> tower. The Pope himself is in it, but what's this? He's speaking
> Latin. As if there was never a Vatican II Conclave getting rid of the
> Latin Mass. It sounds like he is holding his nose and chanting, "I can
> play dominoes better than you can play dominoes."
>
> Can it be? Isn't that Richard Cardinal Cushing? Didn't he die in 1970?
> How did he ever get to be Pope?
>
> What universe am I in, anyways?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in a most un-Orthodox universe.
}
} In your universe, the Greek Orthodox Church won the Synod of Whitby
} and defined Easter to be the day after the first hellebore (Greek
} mining equipment) blooms. The lingua franca of the Church is therefore
} Greek.
}
} However (Laus Deo / Louse Dado) the Roman Church started roamin' away
} from Italy, and eventually followed the well-known invader and
} pear-enthusiast Christopher Columbus to the Disunited State of
} America. In order to maintain their distance from the Greeks, the
} Romans built a whole new continent called Mid-Atlantica to go between
} Europe (named after the Greek god Europa) and America (named after the
} spicy Roman/Yorkshire god T'Urmeric).
}
} Thus, the papal tower that your wife has found is evidence that the
} Latin church is still strong in these parts. Richard Cushing (not to
} be confused with Dick Cushion, husband of Ann Summers) is actually
} chanting, "Timeo Daneos" over and over, to demonstrate his opposition
} to the Greek Church.
}
} What you must not do, under any circumstances, is mention any Greek
} words to him at all. Democracy is not allowed, and neither is
} television, nor dinosaurs. Fortunately you live in the DSA so that
} won't be hard.
}
} You owe the Oracle a return to The One True Faith in the Sun (Solar
} Fide).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1590-04
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me about the Unmentionable people. I think they live in a
> far-off place, near where they also die.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (From Wikipedia: Unmentionistan)
}
} Unmentionistan is a small place hidden underneath Oman. O man is an
} island, entire of itself.
}
} The Unmentionistanis speak mostly in tongues. The daily diet is richer
} than that of Oman's, since Oman can live on bread alone.
}
} No Unmentionistanis have ever been known to die, so the question is
} moot.
}
} Travel to and from Unmentionistan is strictly optional.
}
} You owe the Oracle a one-way ticket.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1590-05
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some answer shop you run here. I ask questions, just about everything a
> supplicant could ask for, and you think up all the answers.
>
> Then like an idiot which you of course aren't, you hand these questions
> off to TRULY IDIOTIC AND LAZY incarnations for completion. Maybe Zadoc
> or even a few of your disemboweled woodchucks could do a better job
> than the whole raft of them! I mean, the questions arrive at the
> incarnations' doorsteps with the answer, in larval form, just waiting
> to be attached to an electronic mail and sent forth. What's the
> problem? Are your incarnations running CP/CMS on System 360 computers?
> Or even worse, in batch, from punched cards? What is wrong over there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I feel your question is somewhat unfair to Zadoc and (dare I say it)
} the woodchucks, even in their disemboweled state. I append below some
} staff reviews of my more intelligent incarnations:
}
} Re Mr Alan Dishcloth (327 PigSty Lane, Londinium - 70 C.E.):
} One supplicant has stated that their Oracular response from Mr
} Dishcloth arrived 3 weeks late, covered in blood. Mr Dishcloth's
} excuse was that this was caused by an inauspicious nosebleed.
} Apparently he attached the response to his pet cat for safe delivery.
} The cat then tried to leave through the front door, not realising that
} it did not feature a cat-flap. It sustained a nosebleed over the
} letter and was confined to its bed for 18 days to recover. This would
} be more of a comment on the cat than Mr Dishcloth if it were not for
} the fact that the front door was not on its hinges at the time, and Mr
} Dishcloth was training the cat to run at the door in readiness for
} when Sir Isaac Newton would eventually get round to inventing the cat
} flap in 1687.
}
} Re Madame Pinthauser (Middle of the Road, Paris - 1794 C.E. - 180
} degrees through the French Revolution):
} Madame Pinthauser's responses frequently fail to arrive at all. The
} method of communication is via members of the French nobility. As
} Madame Pinthauser lives with Monsieur Guillotine, this can prove
} somewhat fatal to the carriers. To be fair to Madame Pinthauser, she
} usually remembers to ask them for the message, but this is usually
} shortly after their heads have been cut off.
}
} Re Dr Amadeus Fishbowl (FitzTurkey Strasse, Berlin - 1895 C.E.)
} Although responses sent via Dr Fishbowl arrive promptly, they are
} usually unintelligible. Upon enquiry, it turns out that Dr Fishbowl
} has invented his own language (Bowlees) into which he translates the
} messages (to avoid them falling into the wrong hands). The only
} surviving dictionary for Bowlees is in the lost luggage office at
} Beijing railway station, after Dr Fishbowl mistakenly picked up a
} pygmy hippopotamus instead of his overnight bag when returning to
} Berlin in 1891.
}
} Although matters have improved somewhat in recent years, many of my
} incarnations have somewhat dated computer systems, as you surmised,
} and the one forwarding this message is no exception. I believe that he
} is currently using IPv1, and will therefore forward the email to Tim
} Berners-Lee's home-computer, in the hope that Sir Timothy knows you
} personally.
}
} You owe the Oracle three thousand copies of the route-map of the
} entire Internet, drawn in wax-crayon.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1590-06
Selected-By: Joe Banks <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hit it, Romeo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
} Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
} Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
} And I'll no longer be a Capulet."
}
} Some people think the "wherefore" means "where" as if Romeo were lost.
} Actually Juliet is complaining, and asking why can't Romeo be something
} other a Montague.
}
} Surely you know all that already, even though you are a lowly
} supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle some story from the West Side.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1590-07
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am creating the Ultimate Autocorrector for Spelling. Only one
> task remains uncomplete. Which of these did my victim intend:
>   a. Naval Observatory Time
>   b. Navel Observatory Time
>   3. Nasal Observatory Time

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surely, you mean which two did your victim NOT intend, then you must
} perm one of the two.
}
} To cover awl your basis, I suggest the following auto-coercions:
}
} a. Green Witches Meant I'm
} b. Omphaloskepsis
} c. Rhinomeridian
}
} You owe the Oracle the sorrows.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1590-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where are you with the Dunning-Kruger effect?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have the inverse, which is the Imposter Syndrome. I can't half
} believe how damn good I am, especially at Omniscience. I must be faking
} it, but I don't think I'll ever know for sure.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1590-09
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the right way to pray?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some are predators and some are prey. Think of squirrels. Their evolved
} strategy for avoiding capture is to zig-zag when approached, so that
} the predator becomes confused. In recent times the major predator of
} the Urban Squirrel is not, as you might imagine, Tom Lehrer with his
} bag of poison peanuts for pigeons. Instead it is the automobile.
}
} The modern Darwinian squirrel does not zig-zag in the middle of the
} road. Instead he boldly dashes from the one side to the other.
}
} Thus your prayer should be done quickly and straightforwardly. Not in
} this leisurely style:
}
} "Hail Mary full of Grace,
}     the Lord is with thee.
} Blessed are thou among women
}     and blessed is the fruit of
} thy womb Jesus.
}
} Holy Mary Mother of God,
}     pray for us sinners now
} and at the hour of our death.
}          Amen."
}
} But like this:
}
}  "HailMaryfullofGracetheLordiswiththeeBlessedarethouamongwomenandblessed
}   isthefruitofthywombJesusHolyMaryMotherofGodprayforussinnersnowandatthe
}   hourofourdeath."
}  "Amen."

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1590-10
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So the weather forecast (NOT "forcats" like my buddy Hugh the Chronic
> Misspeller writes) is for winds from the south at 0 (zero) miles per
> hour.
>
> Two questions:
>
> 1. How can they know if it's from the south if it ain't moving?
>
> 2. Is zero mph really faster than zero kph (or km/h) like Hugh says?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know the wind is from the south if:
}
} It's waving a confederate flag.
} It owns a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
} It does not remove the Marlboro from its mouth before telling the
}   state trooper to kiss its ass.
} Its boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
} It burns its yard rather than mow it.
} The Salvation Army declines its mattress.
} I was shooting pool when its kids were born.
} It keeps hitting deer with its car...deliberately.
} It gives out rat traps as gifts.
} Its coffee table used to be a cable spool.
} It keeps a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
} It has "ammo" on its Christmas list.
} it gets quantum rebates when buying flea-and-tick soap.
} It has everything broadcasted by Fox News on video tape.
} It picked its false teeth from a catalog.
} People hear its car a long time before they see it.
} It knows how many bales of hay your car will hold.
} Its family tree does not branch.
} Its brother-in-law is also its uncle.
} Its house doesn't have curtains but its truck does.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new collection.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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