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} Around 1759 (just before the 6 o'clock news), the French and the
} American Indians decided that they needed to have a brief war to
} decide which of them hated the British more. Canada, never known for
} being impolite, allowed them to have the battle in their property, so
} that they wouldn't mess up their own countries.
}
} The Planes of Abraham were chosen for this as Abraham Martin was known
} for piloting rivers in the area, and had famously diverted the Saint
} Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen River in to do a spot of cleaning.
} Llewelyn-Bowen is best known for his motto, "If an entire river won't
} shift a blood-stain, then why did Lady Macbeth go on and on about
} scrubbing her hands clean with a halibut?"
}
} There has been some historical confusion about whether the area was
} called "Planes" or "Plains" but remember that in 1750, the Right-On
} Brothers had created the first aqua-plane (or, in French, 'plat-eau')
} and flew it off the nearby Heights of Martin (5 foot, 10 inches, in
} high-heels).
}
} Just as the French and Indians were starting their battle, the British
} turned up (if there's a war on, the British are always there first,
} preemptively picking up the nearest archeological artifacts to protect
} them from the foreigners whose only claim to them is that their
} ancestors only put them down 10 minutes ago). The British had only
} just incorporated Scotland into their ranks, so were spoiling for a
} fight more than usual. (Where, 'spoiling for a fight' means that they
} would spoil a fight by not keeping with the traditional sense of
} English fair-play in letting the other side think they're about to win
} before obliterating them with a particularly sharp nuclear weapon.)
}
} Anyway, the British had brought a herd of musk-rats with them and
} these had been trained to attack the French. (Not difficult, the
} French have a peculiar musky odour to which musk-rats are attracted.)
} The battle was over in 30 minutes, although everyone then spent the
} next 7 years fighting over who had actually won.
}
} In the centuries following the battle, plaques were put up all over
} the area, making much work for the local dentists. A series of stamps
} was also commissioned, in honour of the number of times General Wolfe
} had to put his foot down.
}
} I hope that helps with your report. If there are any errors, please
} refer them to the Society for Historical Inaccuracies and Things.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Who's afraid of General Wolfe", by Minor
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