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Internet Oracularities #1593

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Internet Oracularities #1593
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Thu, 08 Oct 2020 13:11:01 -0500 (EST)

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1593-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He's in England. What sort of incarnational passport do I need to get
> an answer that makes sense? It's April, so you probably understand.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm very sorry supplicant, but you are attempting to get a straight
} answer out of Boris Johnson, and that's near impossible for an
} omnipotent being such as myself.
}
} When you ask him something quite obvious like: why haven't you made a
} deal with Europe yet? Why didn't you act quickly before covid-19
} spread throughout the population? And what is it with your hair?
}
} The simple true answer in all cases is: because Dominic Cummings told
} me so.
}
} But, if Prime Minister's Question Time is a continual stream of
} 'because Dominic Cummings told me so', then even the long suffering
} and frankly thick as two planks Great British Public will realise that
} they're being ruled by some random unelected and unaccountable person.
}
} So, things tend to go like this:
}
} Q: Prime Minister, what have you done to progress negotiations with
} Europe?
}
} A: Well ah you see ah Germany, no Denmark, no they aren't EU I see ah
} must keep stiff upper ah oh well tell you what British spirit eh what
} you all need to remember Churchill will be what who will fix it ah no
} not him I mean that bananas - remember bananas - more money for the
} NHS but yes we must sell the NHS oh wait no we never said sell the NHS
} we said someone gives us money and they have the NHS but the NHS will
} be ours forever until it isn't unless there is a reason why and you
} must not reason why I saw the news today oh boy but that doesn't
} matter while we are the greatest what were we again ...
}
} Q: That's a 'nothing' then.
}
} A: Not nothing you must remember ah British spirit must not be pushed
} around by ah ....
}
} You owe The Oracle a political candidate that can put 2 and 2
} together, and not put the 4 straight into their own pocket.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1593-02
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked you before about the One Thousand and One Arabian Nights of
> the Round Table and you gave me a silly answer.
>
> This time please get it right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't you know that, by definition, a Round Table has NO rights?
}
} Now, if you had asked about the 999 Occidental Days of the Rectangular
} Wardrobe, things would be different indeed.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1593-03
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to write about the Piggs Bozon. Now I know that you'll be
> thinking that I mean the Higgs Boson or perhaps Boron, but I don't
> because I have the written instructions for the assignment right here
> in front, darn, well, somewhere on my desk. Or in. Or under.
>
> Anyway, be that as it may, you can certainly tell me more than I know
> about the Piggs Bozon.
>
> Thank you.
>
> PS: I need it by three this afternoon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, the Piggs Bozon. This is the elementary particle in what will
} be the standard model of physics 3.0 discovered in about 3290 which is
} responsible for mediating the force of bad luck in the fundamental bad
} luck field.
}
} Similar to how the hypothetical (spoiler: real) gravitron which is
} responsible for mediating the force of gravity, the Piggs Bozon
} enables bad luck to apply throughout the universe, but seemingly
} concentrated in the physical environment of my supplicants.
}
} As you will know, supplicant, dark matter is called dark because it
} doesn't interact with the electromagnetic field, and therefore cannot
} be seen. The Piggs Bozon does interact with the electromagnetic field,
} the Higgs field, and every other field, but always in the most
} inconvenient way possible and at the most inconvenient time.
}
} So, when you accidentally drop a piece of toast and it lands butter
} side down, it's because of the number of Piggs Bozons that have
} transmitted that bad luck to the toast.
}
} Piggs Bozons also mediate all your pens running out of ink in an exam,
} the exact time that your car will experience a puncture on the way to
} a new job, and potentially even affect the durability of the rear seam
} in your trousers when you are bending down in front of the Queen of
} England.
}
} It's said there is also a Sggip Bozon which mediates good luck.
} However, search for this particle has been fruitless due to all the
} experiments going wrong in the most inconvenient way at the most
} inconvenient time. Even though should it ever be discovered and tamed,
} the world could be made into a calm, happy, and lucky place.
}
} You owe The Oracle a pair of dice and a penny. It's all I need, I feel
} Sggip Bozons in the air tonight.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1593-04
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> &#128165;

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again you are right, but the whole thing blew up in your face!

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1593-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We all know that orange juice is healthy. I could live on nothing but
> orange juice except it has very little beefsteak in it. I drink the
> kind that is marked 100% ORANGE JUICE in big letters.
>
> If 100% orange juice is good for me, what about 200%? Twice as good,
> right? Where can I get some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All 100% orange juice is diluted from 999% orange juice, both to
} produce larger batches and to reduce the strength that humanity can
} reach. This super-drink is heavily regulated and secured via Lead-lined
} steel and a faraday cage, both used to reduce radiation emitted.  If
} any lunatic orange-juice drinker were to drink 999% pure orange juice,
} they would become nearly unstoppable in power and Vitamin C content.
} 200% orange juice, though weaker in power, can be obtained, though all
} 195 countries ban its usage. Drinking even a small amount would boost
} your health by 10 years and heal all wounds. However, you must go
} through the Orange juice black market to obtain any reasonable amount
} of the juice, with even the smallest amounts costing hundreds of
} thousands of dollars. Bootleg orange juice productions and violence
} among sellers makes this a very risky endeavor, so be careful. You must
} change sellers often to prevent the Orange Juice police from catching
} you buying. Use cryptocurrencies like etherium to pay for it nearly
} anonymously
} You owe the Oracle 1 glass of 102% purity orange juice.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1593-06
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why won't my hot girlfriend talk to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the biggest problems of having imaginary friends (square root of
} -1 and all that) is that they, too, have imaginary friends. Square
} things up a bit and you and she might get real.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1593-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You wrote:
>
> "You owe The Oracle some mushrooms, icing sugar, mustard, and fifteen
> plastic freezer boxes."
>
> Attached are fifteen plastic freezer boxes. You will have to fill them
> yourself with the rest of that glop. That icing sugar is not good for
> you, you know, and if you were to eat too much you would die.
>
> Fortunately you are too immortal to die, so you would just get the
> creeping skin-crawlies as if you took some bad drugs.
>
> What can I owe you, now that I have done you the favour of not sending
> you the sugar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now,. I made it quite clear to you:
}
} Reduce the fungi with a little garlic oil, when they reach about flash
} point, take them out of the pan, shout Ouch Ouch Out THAT IS HOT, and
} dispose of them into one of the freezer boxes I provided.
}
} Having done so, grease-line one of your remaining containers. Add to
} the sugar a pinch of snuff, a teensie weensie bit of gunowder. With the
} icing sugar and half a pound of butter (if you haven't half a pound of
} butter, 230 grammes will do) and beat up your next-door neighbour. You
} should now have a buttercream and blood on your hands.
}
} Rinse hands thoroughly.
}
} For the mixture, take six eggs and separate the whites from the yolks.
} Okay, you'll get the hang of it... take TWELVE eggs... there, okay, we
} have three eggs. Now either your next door neighbour bleeds albumen or
} you are leaving far too much forensic evidence. Clear up the recently
} deceeased, put oven on at Gas Mark 4. If you don't have gas, try
} petrol, you weren't there when your neighbour came around, right?
}
} Ok so with icing sugar take the BOTTOM of a pint of milk (you may have
} to dispose of the rest), add a creamy cheese I would suggest double
} double gloucester gloucester. Whisk half-heartedly.
}
} For the base, take plenty of breadcrumbs, a very small amount of oil,
} place in a barrel and shake until slightly sinister. Then Roll Out The
} Barrel.. Rolll Out the Barrel of .... no hang on wrong recipe. Roll out
} the goo on an incompetent nigella untiil you are semi-hard.
}
} For the filling, add autumnal fruits such as "Fallen Women" apples,
} cherie's cherries, Blackburn blackthorns, and two decent shots of
} Windrush Rum.
}
} Stir inconsistently. Place an unbaked oven for three hours, and go down
} the pub.
}
} You owe the Oracle any better idea.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1593-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Like it was going to be of Biblical Proportions. How big a Bible will
> that be? Can we pin it on a dancing angel's head? With what kind of
> pins? How big are angels. That's angels, not angles. Oh I almost
> forgot to grovel. You are the most holy or wholly Oracle I know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, I had a word with my mate "Inky" down at the press, and he says
} that Biblical proportions are usually done on Octavo, but sometimes on
} Q. In your modern-day barlingo, take a sheet of A1 and multiply it up
} to 2A0. That should get you about as much as a decent sheet of
} wallpaper.
}
} As for pins, it is really your choice of tictacs, or is that tactics?
} tin tacks. That's the fellows.
}
} Now all you have to do is find a tangential arc, preferably the Ark of
} the Convenient, and you can then pin the wallpaper on the Ark and as
} the Apocrypha says, "A mensa et thoro", "From thought to board". With
} your board, and the pins (PINS ARE NOT INCLUDED, MUST BE SUPPLICATED
} SEPARATELY) you can pin the paper to the board, thento the Arctangent
} of the ship's hull, or was that hell's sheep, where was I? Yes... then
} you can clearly write the Scripture starting, in the traditional way,
} at Genesis, and ending up with the new one, the one after Revelation.
} It's not officially recorded, but my mate down at the Vat tells me that
} he has it
} blue-pencilled in as the "Book of Oracle".
}
} You owe this incarnation

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1593-09
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am trying to work on mathematics humor because my teacher says
> mathematics aren't funny. I need something better than the "pie are
> square, no, cornbread are square" joke, but I can't use any crazy
> characters like sqrt or not-equals or epsilon or sigma because they
> don't fit nicely into your Oracular Alphabet which only has the
> printable parts of unreformed 1967 ASCII.
>
> Maybe something using just integers. Or simple alimentary-school
> algebra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Patently you should start with Leacock, "Boarding-House Geometry". From
} there you will find that a pie can be reproduced any number of times.
}
} As I keep telling Zadok, mathematics is so much easier when you get rid
} of all the boring numbers and start calling everything phi, chi, xi and
} so on, then you can make anything equal what x is equal to, providing
} (according to Knuth) you typeset it nicely. Take, for example, a simple
} integer linear regression, like how much my hair falls out every time I
} read a stupid question from a stupid supplicant. You can show that the
} asymptomatic willl be that I will tend to have no hair and too many
} supplicants, take the first derivative in the complex plane and it is
} by facile princeps and modus ponens ponens easy to demonstrate, that my
} integral has more integrity than your integers.
}
} Now, what you have to do really is sit down at a good Peano and play a
} jolly tune called the propositional logic. From this you can work out,
} in a somewhat roundabout way, that 1 + 1 = 2. But really at that point
} all you've done is actually said "2 is the successor to the successor
} of zero", so it all looks nice on a first-term undergraduate paper, but
} gets you absolutely nowhere in real life.
}
} Mathematics is not about real life.
}
} Now, when it comes to integers, if you're being rational, then you can
} do most of the fiddly bits by assuming that I = x  / Y. You can then
} leave your undergraduate students to work out what Y is. By that time,
} with compound interest at let's assume four percent per year, that is 4
} over a hundred or one twenty fifth, are you with me so far, by the time
} your students work out what i is, you'll be sitting on the Costa Del
} Bianco that the taxwoman doesn't need to know about.
}
} Now, let's up the game - ties plays the dealer: Roulette. Assume for
} the sake of my conscience that I haven't rigged the table, they are all
} integers, natural numbers, in the series from 0 to 36,,,, and here
} comes your Integral Joke Of the Day:
}
} Q. What did the croupier say to the punter?
} A,. "You can roulette any direction you choose, but I'm a natural,.
} Have you signed?"
}
} You owe the Oracle something that is relatively prime..

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1593-10
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you figure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Basically there are three kinds of ice skates, assuming you are not
} such an idiot as to try roller skates on ice. There are hockey skates,
} speed skates, and figure skates. Here is an inconvenient chart:
}
} Hockey skates
} - Slightly curved blade, so that the center touches before the ends.
} - Designed for sharp turns and fast stops. Very athletic.
} - Worn by all Canadians and most Russians.
}
} Speed skates
} - Flat blade, very long.
} - Intended for utmost speed.
} - Sometimes found at Lake Placid, NY.
}
} Figure skates
} - Flat blade with little gripping teeth at the front end.
} - Good for dancing on ice.
} - Hockey-skate people who try them get a nasty surprise, falling face
} first.
}
} The Oracle, preferring to retain his nose intact, uses hockey skates
} and not figure skates. So no, I do not figure.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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