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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He's in England. What sort of incarnational passport do I need to get > an answer that makes sense? It's April, so you probably understand.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm very sorry supplicant, but you are attempting to get a straight } answer out of Boris Johnson, and that's near impossible for an } omnipotent being such as myself. } } When you ask him something quite obvious like: why haven't you made a } deal with Europe yet? Why didn't you act quickly before covid-19 } spread throughout the population? And what is it with your hair? } } The simple true answer in all cases is: because Dominic Cummings told } me so. } } But, if Prime Minister's Question Time is a continual stream of } 'because Dominic Cummings told me so', then even the long suffering } and frankly thick as two planks Great British Public will realise that } they're being ruled by some random unelected and unaccountable person. } } So, things tend to go like this: } } Q: Prime Minister, what have you done to progress negotiations with } Europe? } } A: Well ah you see ah Germany, no Denmark, no they aren't EU I see ah } must keep stiff upper ah oh well tell you what British spirit eh what } you all need to remember Churchill will be what who will fix it ah no } not him I mean that bananas - remember bananas - more money for the } NHS but yes we must sell the NHS oh wait no we never said sell the NHS } we said someone gives us money and they have the NHS but the NHS will } be ours forever until it isn't unless there is a reason why and you } must not reason why I saw the news today oh boy but that doesn't } matter while we are the greatest what were we again ... } } Q: That's a 'nothing' then. } } A: Not nothing you must remember ah British spirit must not be pushed } around by ah .... } } You owe The Oracle a political candidate that can put 2 and 2 } together, and not put the 4 straight into their own pocket.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked you before about the One Thousand and One Arabian Nights of > the Round Table and you gave me a silly answer. > > This time please get it right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't you know that, by definition, a Round Table has NO rights? } } Now, if you had asked about the 999 Occidental Days of the Rectangular } Wardrobe, things would be different indeed.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to write about the Piggs Bozon. Now I know that you'll be > thinking that I mean the Higgs Boson or perhaps Boron, but I don't > because I have the written instructions for the assignment right here > in front, darn, well, somewhere on my desk. Or in. Or under. > > Anyway, be that as it may, you can certainly tell me more than I know > about the Piggs Bozon. > > Thank you. > > PS: I need it by three this afternoon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, the Piggs Bozon. This is the elementary particle in what will } be the standard model of physics 3.0 discovered in about 3290 which is } responsible for mediating the force of bad luck in the fundamental bad } luck field. } } Similar to how the hypothetical (spoiler: real) gravitron which is } responsible for mediating the force of gravity, the Piggs Bozon } enables bad luck to apply throughout the universe, but seemingly } concentrated in the physical environment of my supplicants. } } As you will know, supplicant, dark matter is called dark because it } doesn't interact with the electromagnetic field, and therefore cannot } be seen. The Piggs Bozon does interact with the electromagnetic field, } the Higgs field, and every other field, but always in the most } inconvenient way possible and at the most inconvenient time. } } So, when you accidentally drop a piece of toast and it lands butter } side down, it's because of the number of Piggs Bozons that have } transmitted that bad luck to the toast. } } Piggs Bozons also mediate all your pens running out of ink in an exam, } the exact time that your car will experience a puncture on the way to } a new job, and potentially even affect the durability of the rear seam } in your trousers when you are bending down in front of the Queen of } England. } } It's said there is also a Sggip Bozon which mediates good luck. } However, search for this particle has been fruitless due to all the } experiments going wrong in the most inconvenient way at the most } inconvenient time. Even though should it ever be discovered and tamed, } the world could be made into a calm, happy, and lucky place. } } You owe The Oracle a pair of dice and a penny. It's all I need, I feel } Sggip Bozons in the air tonight.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 💥

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again you are right, but the whole thing blew up in your face!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We all know that orange juice is healthy. I could live on nothing but > orange juice except it has very little beefsteak in it. I drink the > kind that is marked 100% ORANGE JUICE in big letters. > > If 100% orange juice is good for me, what about 200%? Twice as good, > right? Where can I get some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All 100% orange juice is diluted from 999% orange juice, both to } produce larger batches and to reduce the strength that humanity can } reach. This super-drink is heavily regulated and secured via Lead-lined } steel and a faraday cage, both used to reduce radiation emitted.  If } any lunatic orange-juice drinker were to drink 999% pure orange juice, } they would become nearly unstoppable in power and Vitamin C content. } 200% orange juice, though weaker in power, can be obtained, though all } 195 countries ban its usage. Drinking even a small amount would boost } your health by 10 years and heal all wounds. However, you must go } through the Orange juice black market to obtain any reasonable amount } of the juice, with even the smallest amounts costing hundreds of } thousands of dollars. Bootleg orange juice productions and violence } among sellers makes this a very risky endeavor, so be careful. You must } change sellers often to prevent the Orange Juice police from catching } you buying. Use cryptocurrencies like etherium to pay for it nearly } anonymously } You owe the Oracle 1 glass of 102% purity orange juice.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why won't my hot girlfriend talk to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the biggest problems of having imaginary friends (square root of } -1 and all that) is that they, too, have imaginary friends. Square } things up a bit and you and she might get real.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You wrote: > > "You owe The Oracle some mushrooms, icing sugar, mustard, and fifteen > plastic freezer boxes." > > Attached are fifteen plastic freezer boxes. You will have to fill them > yourself with the rest of that glop. That icing sugar is not good for > you, you know, and if you were to eat too much you would die. > > Fortunately you are too immortal to die, so you would just get the > creeping skin-crawlies as if you took some bad drugs. > > What can I owe you, now that I have done you the favour of not sending > you the sugar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now,. I made it quite clear to you: } } Reduce the fungi with a little garlic oil, when they reach about flash } point, take them out of the pan, shout Ouch Ouch Out THAT IS HOT, and } dispose of them into one of the freezer boxes I provided. } } Having done so, grease-line one of your remaining containers. Add to } the sugar a pinch of snuff, a teensie weensie bit of gunowder. With the } icing sugar and half a pound of butter (if you haven't half a pound of } butter, 230 grammes will do) and beat up your next-door neighbour. You } should now have a buttercream and blood on your hands. } } Rinse hands thoroughly. } } For the mixture, take six eggs and separate the whites from the yolks. } Okay, you'll get the hang of it... take TWELVE eggs... there, okay, we } have three eggs. Now either your next door neighbour bleeds albumen or } you are leaving far too much forensic evidence. Clear up the recently } deceeased, put oven on at Gas Mark 4. If you don't have gas, try } petrol, you weren't there when your neighbour came around, right? } } Ok so with icing sugar take the BOTTOM of a pint of milk (you may have } to dispose of the rest), add a creamy cheese I would suggest double } double gloucester gloucester. Whisk half-heartedly. } } For the base, take plenty of breadcrumbs, a very small amount of oil, } place in a barrel and shake until slightly sinister. Then Roll Out The } Barrel.. Rolll Out the Barrel of .... no hang on wrong recipe. Roll out } the goo on an incompetent nigella untiil you are semi-hard. } } For the filling, add autumnal fruits such as "Fallen Women" apples, } cherie's cherries, Blackburn blackthorns, and two decent shots of } Windrush Rum. } } Stir inconsistently. Place an unbaked oven for three hours, and go down } the pub. } } You owe the Oracle any better idea.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Like it was going to be of Biblical Proportions. How big a Bible will > that be? Can we pin it on a dancing angel's head? With what kind of > pins? How big are angels. That's angels, not angles. Oh I almost > forgot to grovel. You are the most holy or wholly Oracle I know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, I had a word with my mate "Inky" down at the press, and he says } that Biblical proportions are usually done on Octavo, but sometimes on } Q. In your modern-day barlingo, take a sheet of A1 and multiply it up } to 2A0. That should get you about as much as a decent sheet of } wallpaper. } } As for pins, it is really your choice of tictacs, or is that tactics? } tin tacks. That's the fellows. } } Now all you have to do is find a tangential arc, preferably the Ark of } the Convenient, and you can then pin the wallpaper on the Ark and as } the Apocrypha says, "A mensa et thoro", "From thought to board". With } your board, and the pins (PINS ARE NOT INCLUDED, MUST BE SUPPLICATED } SEPARATELY) you can pin the paper to the board, thento the Arctangent } of the ship's hull, or was that hell's sheep, where was I? Yes... then } you can clearly write the Scripture starting, in the traditional way, } at Genesis, and ending up with the new one, the one after Revelation. } It's not officially recorded, but my mate down at the Vat tells me that } he has it } blue-pencilled in as the "Book of Oracle". } } You owe this incarnation

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am trying to work on mathematics humor because my teacher says > mathematics aren't funny. I need something better than the "pie are > square, no, cornbread are square" joke, but I can't use any crazy > characters like sqrt or not-equals or epsilon or sigma because they > don't fit nicely into your Oracular Alphabet which only has the > printable parts of unreformed 1967 ASCII. > > Maybe something using just integers. Or simple alimentary-school > algebra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Patently you should start with Leacock, "Boarding-House Geometry". From } there you will find that a pie can be reproduced any number of times. } } As I keep telling Zadok, mathematics is so much easier when you get rid } of all the boring numbers and start calling everything phi, chi, xi and } so on, then you can make anything equal what x is equal to, providing } (according to Knuth) you typeset it nicely. Take, for example, a simple } integer linear regression, like how much my hair falls out every time I } read a stupid question from a stupid supplicant. You can show that the } asymptomatic willl be that I will tend to have no hair and too many } supplicants, take the first derivative in the complex plane and it is } by facile princeps and modus ponens ponens easy to demonstrate, that my } integral has more integrity than your integers. } } Now, what you have to do really is sit down at a good Peano and play a } jolly tune called the propositional logic. From this you can work out, } in a somewhat roundabout way, that 1 + 1 = 2. But really at that point } all you've done is actually said "2 is the successor to the successor } of zero", so it all looks nice on a first-term undergraduate paper, but } gets you absolutely nowhere in real life. } } Mathematics is not about real life. } } Now, when it comes to integers, if you're being rational, then you can } do most of the fiddly bits by assuming that I = x  / Y. You can then } leave your undergraduate students to work out what Y is. By that time, } with compound interest at let's assume four percent per year, that is 4 } over a hundred or one twenty fifth, are you with me so far, by the time } your students work out what i is, you'll be sitting on the Costa Del } Bianco that the taxwoman doesn't need to know about. } } Now, let's up the game - ties plays the dealer: Roulette. Assume for } the sake of my conscience that I haven't rigged the table, they are all } integers, natural numbers, in the series from 0 to 36,,,, and here } comes your Integral Joke Of the Day: } } Q. What did the croupier say to the punter? } A,. "You can roulette any direction you choose, but I'm a natural,. } Have you signed?" } } You owe the Oracle something that is relatively prime..

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you figure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Basically there are three kinds of ice skates, assuming you are not } such an idiot as to try roller skates on ice. There are hockey skates, } speed skates, and figure skates. Here is an inconvenient chart: } } Hockey skates } - Slightly curved blade, so that the center touches before the ends. } - Designed for sharp turns and fast stops. Very athletic. } - Worn by all Canadians and most Russians. } } Speed skates } - Flat blade, very long. } - Intended for utmost speed. } - Sometimes found at Lake Placid, NY. } } Figure skates } - Flat blade with little gripping teeth at the front end. } - Good for dancing on ice. } - Hockey-skate people who try them get a nasty surprise, falling face } first. } } The Oracle, preferring to retain his nose intact, uses hockey skates } and not figure skates. So no, I do not figure.