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Internet Oracularities #1596

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Internet Oracularities #1596
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Wed, 05 May 2021 19:46:51 -0500 (EST)

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1596-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have given up at trying to understand all the different measurement
> systems. "Bake in a 13 cm square pan at 350 degrees for half a
> fortnight." What is that in Regulo numbers? Who cares? What's for
> dinner?
>
> So I plan to make a different system that is better. The Continental or
> cgs system is totally unusable. I need something with more pounds to
> the inch and fewer seconds to the Date of Easter, unless Passover is
> early next year. More gallons per quart, too. Plus Lot's of Salt.
> Kilogrammes.
>
> Your advice won't be neglected like last time. I might even get you a
> Sandwich.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously for an ounce of salt what you need is what is know as Lots
} of Wives. Chuck behind shoulder and the devil take the hindmost.
}
} You are quite right the cgs makes no sense at all, you can blame the
} French for that. Take pan and boil to 80 Reaumur, then add Lot's Wife
} for fattening or shortening. Boil immersibly. On another pan, at 520
} Kelvin, take two eggs and discard promptly. Whoops. Take two more and
} crack openly. Split into pan, add Broccolie, cucumber and half a kilo
} of the best rice. Stir furiously.
}
} Now add small glass of red wine. Drink wine. Continue stirring.
} Discard pan. In the first pan, you need to add more wine (take sample
} for self, discarding cork). Stir mercilessly. Increase temp to
} something or other, check wine for consistency. In a bowl, add 500g
} flour, while singing to something by Liszt. Check list or Liszt. Check
} wine for consistency and flavour. Discard eggs, mix flour with 10
} grammes butter and stir occasionally. Put in oven for 45 minutes at
} gas mark 6 or 415 Fahrenheit. After 30 minutes remove pan from oven,
} check wine for flavour. Add currants raisins and sultanas return to
} oven for 15 minutes. Add small drop of wine, check once again for
} bouquet. After 15 minutes remove from oven leave to stand (if you
} still can) for about 10 minutes. Check wine for sulphides. If in doubt
} get second bottle. Discard cake, eggs, flour, pans etc in nearest
} recycling facility. Check bottle for emptiness. Then in a small pan at
} 60 Reaumur, 375 Fahrenheit or twenty pounds six shillings and
} ninepence three farthings, grab bottle, cup, pan, eggs, etc. Throw
} into the air. Check bottle for place of origin.
}
} You should now not care about what you are cooking. Discard all, check
} bottle for sell-by date. Cry another tup. If wine sufficiently
} broiled, remove cake from oven and defenestrate. Take from herb garden
} Oregon and Lyme Regis. Add to mix for piquancy. Check bottle. If
} bottle empty, lunch ready. Open bottle, serve-tu and a delicious Lyme
} Regis Pancake with a cheap tart awaits. Bon appetit!
}
} Tu la dette L'Oracle les freres Roux.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1596-02
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some months ago I wrote to you about my uncle who died intestate. At
> the time I thought it was "Interstate" like highway I-95 that goes from
> Maine to Florida or I-5 that does not. You corrected me, in a manner of
> sneaking. You figured out that he must have died intesticular, that is
> missing his family jewels.
>
> But that was not true either, as you can see in this photo.
>
> His last words were "will be done on earth" and I think he left
> everything too me. But where on earth is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take the last train to Knoxville. I'll meet you at the station. You
} will find the safebox there (I shan't disclose the destination - no no
} no).
}
} In there you will find all your family jewels and indeed his Last
} Willly and Testicles. Addressed, as you would expect, to "Whom it May
} Concern". From there, take the six-five special coming down the line,
} six-five special right on time. Take a diversion around Nashville
} (generally known as the Parton shortcut). Then up to Idaho, home of
} the potato. From there quick right and I'll meet you in St Lous, Huey,
} Meet you at the square. Half to seven? I'll be wearing big carnations
} when you come. In the alternative, we could go the long way around via
} Oklahoma where the winds occasionally get a but out of control, and
} then go Onto to Toronto Pronto with Tonto, double back and we will be
} in New York before you can get a jerry-can or spring it open. Then the
} family jewels will be recovered. Take a diversion via Milan, do an
} Italian job with a New York Pizza, remember that even the piano in the
} parlour daddy bought for ten cents on the thaler so the interest on
} that for a hundred years, is, let me see now writtien in 1921 call it
} a straight 100 years and forget the odd nickel, $756.243-00 to be paid
} on demand to Oracle Towers. You leave Pennsylvania Station 'bout a
} quarter to four, supper in the diner then come to Baltimore and I'll
} meet you there with Carolina.
}
} You owe the Oracle a check or cheque, or preferably cash.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1596-03
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Houston, we have a problem!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That'll be a Main B Bus Undervolt on the M21 Crosstown Bus (Houston
} Street), not to be mistaken for the 14th Street Crosstown. Instead,
} you'll Take the A Train, as depicted by Carl Lundgren. Return the
} dragon when you are finished.
}
} You owe the Oracle a MTA tunnel route connecting the Staten Island
} Railway with Manhattan.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1596-04
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wrote the attached program years ago, and now I need to update it.
> As you can plainly see, it is hopelessly inscrutable. It would take
> someone with the insight and wisdom of an Oracle to understand and
> explain it.  What does it do, and what was it supposed to do?
>
> Please help?
>
>
> PS: Sorry I cannot show it inline, owing to the limitations of
> typography in this service, hence the attached version. I hope you
> have a good way of rendering the arcane APL character set.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see in APL. What you need first to get is an IBM 3270 terminal.
} Then you can properly tippy-tappy type. It is not surprising to any
} but the cognoscenti you don't understand your program, as APL was
} designed to be write-only. Let's try and work it out using simple
} matrix arithmetic.
}
} 2 -> 1 -> 'HELLO WORLD' sub minus dot print. (on your right hand). P
} shape to matrix multiply octal 432 517 gives OP as oh about a two
} 2/6' give or take an oz. Multiply the spare oz P <- Oz * P output to
} print P <- Oz, subtract Frank Oz, no hang on I forgot the carry... so
} that gives us R dot T <- K where K = F (rog), Let rog <- F, then
} take four trannies, cross-multpily 4(F x T) <- one semiconductor.
} Reduce [K F (rog)] in a pan. Let C = F and K, take K <- 273 so c
} <-0. Put in U^2261 multply by the number you first thought of,
} youshould now have the original program back,
}
} You owe the Oracle 6502,

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1596-05
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me about why there is no evidence that the Invisigoths were ever
> in Spain. (This is a better question for repeating than the one about
> misnamed marmots.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that is fairly simple. They were in Spain, in particular in what
} was known at the time as Iberia Inferior or in Arabic (since the Moors
} got as far as, ohh, quite a long way but never quite hacked the Pair
} of Knees Mountains, what with Hannibal and his Elephants coming in -
} he should have taken a shortcut across an alp but anyway. Would you
} like me to do it for you in Catalan or are you going to go with
} English?
}
} The Invisigoths, a strange breed of goths from, well, who knows, as
} they are by defiition invisible, invaded the major inland of the
} Iberian peninsula in about 1750. Having then got as far as Gibraltar
} and strait across to Morocco, they flooded North Africa with their
} invisible gothishness. Leaving churches in the, er, gothic style all
} across the southern mediterannean plain, and venturing as far as
} England, where they built various triumphal arches including Marble
} Arch, which used to be in Surrey. Built in the triumphal style by
} Nash, who also did er something to do with the Houses of Parliament
} together with Augustus Pugin,  in a romanesque style this invisigoth
} built the invisible arch, which was modelled after the Arc de Triomphe
} (French: "We lost as usual") in somewhere near Sevres, I forget, some
} little place not far from  Dunkirk or Dunquerque. The Eiffel Tower was
} built by a chap named... no hang on I am drifting... who built the
} Eiffel Tower? Some chap Eiffel I think. Anyway Marble Arch is not
} actually made of marble but of westmorland stone from Portland and
} Plymouth, and used to be in Surrey, but they moved it to, er, Marble
} Arch. You could if you wanted try to play marbles through it but you
} would need very big marbles.
}
} Coming back to Spain, the alhambra in Grenada, Andalucia is well worth
} a look. Christopher Columbus had a quick shuftie around there on his
} way not to discover America by completely missing the boat. A
} beautiful mosque made of red sandstone, this proud mosque and chapel
} is governed by the Emirate of Grenada.
}
} Coming back to the fortesque, no grotesque, no where were we, oh yes
} John Nash, no hang on that is a different one he did the silent "4
} minutes and 17 seconds" not to be confused with John Nash the
} mathematician, nor indeed Ogden Nash, whose poetry is trash. I mean
} John Nash the british architect, who together with Pugin did quite a
} lot of fiddly bits in London. Having built Marble Arch he went on to
} design the Lutyens Lions in trafalgar square, no hang on, that was
} done by some other chap called, er, Lutyens. Crazy name crazy guy.
} Nash designed Buck House in about 1823, but forgot to put the flagpole
} on top, anyway the flag is always that of the sovereign not of the
} united kingdom, and it is well-known that she tends to leave it up
} even if she is not present, to fool the burglars.
}
} That is about all you need to know about Nash architecture in London.
} Oh, he also designed Regent Street.
}
} You owe the Oracle a monopoly board.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1596-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, a navigator
> Bestest sail an no piscator
> Missus asks me fish and chips
> Since Friday is and that't the biz
>
> I got the spuds on, no avail
> But then a group came wine wasail
> my fish and chips will burn unless
> They decrease noise. Nevertheless
>
> I shall continue with the batter
> Can you stop their constant natter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A supplicant writing some poetry
} Climbed up a ladder--no, a tree.
} His rhymes were as bad as McHorrigal
} And there isn't any good way to end this one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recitation of your verse in sign language without
} resorting to finger-spelling. Ask your wasail group to do the same.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1596-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last time when I wrote to you about my previous question I referred to
> my "pervious" question. I just wan't you to know that I am not now and
> never have been pervious. It's just not like me to be that sort of
> person, at least on Tuesdays. Htank you for you're careful
> understanding.
>
> What should have been the right answer? And why are my fingers wroking
> like they are on the wrong hnad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A sinister bent you have taken
} In that you are truly mistaken
} Left-handed you are
} so your keying thus far
} Is cutting no mustard, nor bacon
}
} F and J you will find on indices
} You find have have taps. Then suffices
} To leave them right there
} And the KB's all square
} and your little ones do all the splices
}
} And thus it is shown you may type
} Even though what you write may be tripe
} Do not look at the board
} But, dear me, Oh my lord!
} The screen, OK? Don't make me hype
}
} As touch-typing's a gift you can learn
} Without a grim visage or gurn
} Just don't look at the keys
} And you'll find your disease
} Will be cured and you copy-type, earn
}
} From a newspaper needing a sub
} It is perfect good first starter job
} But your typos, you stencil
} (usu in blue pencil)
} To make your career at the hub
}
} Then sub-editor you can thus be
} And it's easy, now sure you must see
} That stencilling copy
} Is now not your hobby
} But your new career. Q. E. D.
}
} You owe the Oracle three Hungarumlauts, a cedilla, four French acutes
} (forget the brave ones) and oh, I dunno, I Czech ague for luck.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1596-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle ur, magyarul i'r nekem, de en egyaltalan nem tudok magyarul,
> csakhogy a "magyar" kiejtik "mudyear" -nak. Teljesen a Google Translate
> kell hagyatkoznom.
>
> Why is Google Translate, usually good at French, German and Russian,
> so horrible at translating in and out of Latin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may recall that one of my earliest manifestations was the Delphic
} Oracle. This was neither related to a Pascal-like programming language
} for accessing a weird database, nor a suggestion that Derek Trotter is
} a bit stupid. It was, in fact, because I was Greek.
}
} Interestingly, I was also known as Pythia, which is odd because my
} answers were always fairly rambling and long-winded (although shorter
} than those of the Discursive Oracle at the next-door Temple - she
} always slated copperplate handwriting).
}
} Anyway, my point is that I have a complete hatred of the Romans. In
} answer to the question, "What have the Romans ever done for us?" my
} answer is, "conquered us and caused the non-Greek Nero to win at every
} event in the Olympics except, for some reason, the coffee-making
} round".
}
} So, when Page and Brin founded Google, I exerted my influence on them
} by filtering all my email messages through a GMail account. Any
} messages praising the Romans was quickly flagged as spam. Their
} machine learning algorithm quickly learned that Latin was an
} untrustworthy language and that Greek was the way to go.
}
} Thus, Google Translate has no interest in Latin and considers it
} worthless and beneath it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to its online animated images
} website. Slogan, "Beware of Greeks bearing GIFs".

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1596-09
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whom is the Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soeties, a issing letter akes the eanings of essages ipossible to
} fatho.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question ark.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1596-10
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle superlative, who knows the gen and ablative
> Who can explain as Molesworth does
> Why Latin is just quite so much fuss
>
> To nouns that cannot be declined the neuter gender is assigned
> Examples. Fas and Nefas give. And the verb-noun infinitive
>
> But since I have long years ago eaten my Shortbread Eating Primer, no
> I mean Shorter Latin Primer, I am going a bit short on the ink to fill
> in the holes in the Book of Revelations. Therefore a simple guide to,
> well, any Romance language would be handy, for example French,
> Romanian, Spinach or Italian...
>
> Mi as a bravas palinkas... please by return of post tell me a gneralish
> repondu.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, Latin is very important, and you'll need to understand how to
} decline a cup of cocoa. Although it ends with A, it does so with the
} sound of O. Perhaps the best way is simply to say, "No thank you," very
} quickly, getting your declining in first. First declension is easier
} than third.
}
} Where would we be without Latin? We would all be speaking Greek, which
} almost nobody understands. Or maybe Etruscan. Or Linear B. Or even
} Linear A.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dissertation in Wendish or East Gothic.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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