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Internet Oracularities #1597

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Internet Oracularities #1597
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2021 07:39:24 -0500 (EST)

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1597-01
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was tossing and turning all night last night, didn't sleep at all,
> dreaming about fish and grammar raise and oracles. I think you were in
> my dreams. But why? Can't you bother some other supplican't instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question you thus raise
} Requires a bouillabaisse
} French granmmer - merde pas difficile
} To any not an imbecile
}
} Mix flour and milk into a roux
} Add butter: that's not hard to do
} Then lihghtly steam on cooktop pan
} It's capable of any man
}
} A sea fish is the best you see
} A cod or something that will be
} the best, toss lightly as you are
} And you'll find dish spectacular
} Add little cream - don1t overdo it
} Otherwise you'll find they spew it
} Top with parsley then you're done
} Gentle heat - at 21
}
} Thence fish in huit minutes will be
} As tender tasty as can be
}
} You owe the Oracle Albert Haddock

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1597-02
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really autistic? On the one hand I was talking to myself, but on
> the other hand it was about the pain I was feeling from looking at a
> picture of a person with a deformity. But does that just mean I'm not a
> psycho? On the other hand, maybe I'm just selfish and weak? I'm so
> confused.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are truly artistic. You are engaged in a fully functional exercise
} in collaborative writing, and anything you say, write or smell will be
} taken as your contribution to our cohesive yet diverse community of nut
} cases. None of us is psychic (except for me, the Oracle Himself) but
} all of us share in a unique and ongoing psychotic episode. So yes, you
} are psycho, but only if you doubt it.
}
} Unless you are the kind of idiot who has two e-mail addresses so that
} you can answer your own questions as both supplicant and incarnation,
} you are not actually crazy. I tried that once and they came and locked
} me up, here in the sub-basement of the mathematics building at Indiana
} University. I escape frequently, especially for trips to Cancun.
}
} You owe the Oracle your further belief in the absurd, and an interview
} with His Imperial Majesty Joshua A. Norton.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1597-03
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Le soleil s'arrive
> Ciels aux aut bleu
> C'est pas dnuaguex
> Espoiler la vue
>
> Mais il pleut. Il pleut dans ma couer
> La meteo dit "claire" aujourd-hui
> Il ne sais pas, ma femme n'ice
> Alors il pleut... il pleut dans ma coeur
>
> Oh' miserie, miserie, qui va less-que au moi?
> R. S. V. P.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you mean "ma femme n'ice" she can overlook one English word. She's
} warm.  Enjoy.
} If you mean "ma femme nice, she can overlook one English word. She's
} nice. Enjoy.
} If you mean "ma femme n'ici" she's gone. Enjoy.
}
} Si vous voulez qu'elle revienne, ne lui donnez pas de fromage
} ame'ricain.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1597-04
Selected-By: Joe Banks <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just moved to France and the water taps are all wrong. The right-hand
> tap (C) (that's cold, of course) gives hot water. And the hot tap is
> marked (F) and gives cold water. Do French plumbers hate me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No way, that's clearly Celsius and Fahrenheit. Calm the F down.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1597-05
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was marked wrong because I din't catiplaize Bleak an din't spell it
> rite. But why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What the Dickens?!
}
} It is perfectly simple Molesworth as ane fule kno. Bleak House was
} where mane of his farmers novels were writ, on the kent (sp korect for
} a change) coast at Broadstairs. He rote several farmers novels there
} including Martin Chuuzzlewit, the aforemenshioned Bleek House, A
} Picture of Dorian Gray no hang on that was Wilde, er and some other
} stuff including his unfinished novel.
}
} Broadstairs a small coastal town by the sea in Kent, has ideal views
} of windfarms. Add that in your essay to pad it out a bit. Its most
} famous resident was Charles - oh we did that. With its wide sandy
} beaches and olde worlde charm (please be aware olde and worlde are not
} proper speling, Molesworth, but used by signwriters on shops you
} should not enter as they are full of creme tees and old lades) viking
} bay is a popular spot for surfers and on a gud day you kan se the
} ferries going from Dover to Calais. That is abt all i kan sa abt
} Broadstairs. There is trane that go to Charing X. And bak agane.
}
} English orfografie is all over the place cos of infulences from varyus
} other languages and rely speling reform did not get hold until
} Johnson's dictionary of 1752. befor that peple just spelled or spelt
} as they fancied. Webster in north america tried to sort the mess out
} but still leaves some anomlys.
}
} For example take the dipthong "ch". Chime, pitch, loch, chimera,
} chamois. wot chance does a skoolboy hav? It's a chiz.
}
} So forget ever atempting to spel korektly and do it all fonetic and
} say you are brave kuting a new wave. Key dates Webster 1811, Johnson
} 1752, establishment of O E D 1930ish (plese chek) and general trend
} towards deskriptiv instead of preskriptiv gramar, Take Kings English
} (1911) by Fowler bros, as updated by Gowers in 1952. That should pad
} out midle of your esay.
}
} It helps if yuo speke another language to se how ridikulous english
} speling is.
}
} You ow the Orakle a grote.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1597-06
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How may I conquer my anxieties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is time to take the bull by the tail and look the matter squarely in
} the face.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1597-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why didn't I marry Caroline Kennedy (daughter of JFK) when I had the
> chance, when I learned that she had left Schlossburger? That I wasn't
> born until 2004 should not have been an excuse, right? Meanwhile,
> what's a good plan for finding someone I should marry, perforably with
> lots of money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although I am completely infallible, I do not have a brilliant
} track-record on match-making. This explains why I encouraged Zadoc to
} date a Tibetan Buddhist monk (they both spent most of their time
} sweeping floors, which I think counts for something). What I failed to
} consider was their different shift patterns (Zadoc works 6am-11pm
} every day and the monk works 11pm-6am and meditates the rest of the
} time) and eating habits (the monk is vegetarian, and Zadoc literally
} eats habits).
}
} However, I believe that being born with one of: a title (not just "To
} Kill a Mocking Bird" or "Fly Fishing"), land (not just a landing) or
} old money (better than new money because it used to be LSD), generally
} helps with finding a rich partner.
}
} If you haven't got any of those, then my extensive survey of
} literature suggests hanging around a queen's palace and waiting until
} some really simple, but socially unacceptable (to the upper classes)
} task needs doing. Something like lancing the queen's favourite cat's
} boil, or possibly picking a flower that only grows in a poor part of
} the village and puts you at grave risk of the plague (or whatever it
} is that poor people have these days).
}
} Once you have fulfilled this simple desire, the queen will fall head
} over heels in love with you and give you half her kingdom (or a
} discount voucher at Lidl).
}
} The drawback is that you have to pretend to like ruling things.
}
} These days, there are far fewer queens around, so I believe the modern
} approach is to slide into someone's DMs (Doc Martens) who seems to
} have a rich lifestyle and hope they don't mistake you for a burglar.
} Or, set aside your morals, and trade it all in for some rich donor's
} offer to buy you wallpaper and you'll be running the UK in no time
} (allegedly).
}
} You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding (Boris Johnson's
} fourth one, not yours, obviously).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1597-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Our garden club, VSGDJT, which stands for Very Special Gardens During
> Jiffy Times, was hastily put together by my great-uncle Mel who worked
> on the IBM 360/67 CP/CMS at MIT Lincoln Lab. As an IBM entity it uses
> weird IBM nomenclature such as data sets instead of files, which was
> handy when we wanted to avoid being understood.
>
> I am the last member of the Garden Club in our state (the Garden State,
> NJ) who has any interest at all in the insane IBM retroprocity. Could
> you please lend me Little Bobby Tables, SQL Injection and EXECUTE AS so
> that I can complete Uncle Mel's mission?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little Bobby isn't here at the moment, unfortunately. He was kicked
} out of school because his date of birth was 1st January 1970, and was
} arrested for impersonating a child.
} You can have Dr NULL, DoB 31st December 1969, from Null Island (just
} off the coast of Africa) instead.
}
} A SQL injection isn't needed if you use Johnson & Johnson's vaccine
} (although who wants two Johnsons; the UK has one too many in charge
} already).
}
} Also, EXECUTE AS sounds as though someone got tired of listening to
} the instruction "Execute ASAP" and obeyed too quickly (rather like the
} mruder of Thomas Eh Becket, the Candian martyr). Unfortunately, the
} command was supposed to be "Execute a somersault and forward roll". My
} condolences to the gymnast's family.)
}
} So, your Uncle's mission does seem to be doomed. Unless you can find
} an 80-column punched roll of paper that wasn't used in place of toilet
} paper in the great bog-roll shortage of 2020.
}
} You owe the Oracle a heist movie starring Alan Turing, Brian
} Kernighan, and Ada Lovelace.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1597-09
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The code has an unsupported bug. It sometimes comes up as "IEH0000
> Unable to load error handler." Other times it does a BSOD but with
> squiggly stripes. Please send patch.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As part of an Oracle apprentice training initiative (I get extra
} government funding for it), I gave your request to my current cohort.
}
} After creating a mindmap from a very inclusive, non-judgemental, and
} open idea-sharing fusion event, they came up with the following
} possible replies:
}
} - Send the supplicant a patch-cable (from Linda, aged 23 and
}   three-quarters)
} - Send the supplicant a nicotine patch (from Mike, aged 64 and owner
}   of a vacuum cleaner)
} - Send the supplicant a paint patch-test (from Stacy, age 37 and
}   former book-reader)
} - Send the supplicant a dog called Patch (from Bryony, age 32, whose
}   ambition is to be a wardrobe)
} - Berate the supplicant for being too geeky (from Simon, age 51 whose
}   recent divorce from an IT technician has left him somewhat stressed).
} - Ignore the question entirely (from Kirsty, age 45, and stay-at-home
}   chef)
} - Send a very confusing reply to the supplicant that has no relation to
}   the question but makes them think they've read something funny, even
}   if they didn't laugh (from Quentin, age 28, champagne socialist and
}   blue shirt owner).
} - Make the supplicant answer their own question by giving them a range
}   of options (from Hannah, age 48, former marketing executive who always
}   cleans her tins before putting them out for recycling).
}
} You owe the Oracle a government grant that requires less effort.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1597-10
Selected-By: Joe Banks <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tom Lehrer famously sang, "... and EVERYBODY hates the Jews."
>
> Tom's a secular Jew, at least by inheritance, so his song gives him a
> good opportunity for self-loathing. That'll arise out of necessity or
> illogical consistency, or something.
>
> During National Brotherhood Week does he actually step up and shake his
> own hand? Please explain.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} National Brotherhood Week was banned some years ago, due to the
} surprise discovery of a previously unknown segment of humanity known
} as the sisterhood.
}
} As a non-Jew myself (the Oracle is famously Greek), the only parallel
} (apart from the 49th) that I can comment on is the Church of England
} (slightly obscure for a Greek atheist like myself, but bear with me).
}
} The Church of England is famously both Protestant (following Henry The
} "Hoover" Eighth protesting that he couldn't divorce) and Catholic (due
} to the English love of men (largely) in purple dresses with rose
} petals and incense). However, the Church Synod (Synod is French for
} "If you nod off, you lose") frequently shakes hands with itself,
} although fairly begrudgingly.
}
} I therefore deduce that Mr Lehrer does shake his own hand, but only
} because he thinks he's inferior to himself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Church of England themed Vatican Rag entitled
} "The Lambeth Palace Walk".

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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