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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was tossing and turning all night last night, didn't sleep at all, > dreaming about fish and grammar raise and oracles. I think you were in > my dreams. But why? Can't you bother some other supplican't instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question you thus raise } Requires a bouillabaisse } French granmmer - merde pas difficile } To any not an imbecile } } Mix flour and milk into a roux } Add butter: that's not hard to do } Then lihghtly steam on cooktop pan } It's capable of any man } } A sea fish is the best you see } A cod or something that will be } the best, toss lightly as you are } And you'll find dish spectacular } Add little cream - don1t overdo it } Otherwise you'll find they spew it } Top with parsley then you're done } Gentle heat - at 21 } } Thence fish in huit minutes will be } As tender tasty as can be } } You owe the Oracle Albert Haddock

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really autistic? On the one hand I was talking to myself, but on > the other hand it was about the pain I was feeling from looking at a > picture of a person with a deformity. But does that just mean I'm not a > psycho? On the other hand, maybe I'm just selfish and weak? I'm so > confused.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are truly artistic. You are engaged in a fully functional exercise } in collaborative writing, and anything you say, write or smell will be } taken as your contribution to our cohesive yet diverse community of nut } cases. None of us is psychic (except for me, the Oracle Himself) but } all of us share in a unique and ongoing psychotic episode. So yes, you } are psycho, but only if you doubt it. } } Unless you are the kind of idiot who has two e-mail addresses so that } you can answer your own questions as both supplicant and incarnation, } you are not actually crazy. I tried that once and they came and locked } me up, here in the sub-basement of the mathematics building at Indiana } University. I escape frequently, especially for trips to Cancun. } } You owe the Oracle your further belief in the absurd, and an interview } with His Imperial Majesty Joshua A. Norton.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Le soleil s'arrive > Ciels aux aut bleu > C'est pas dnuaguex > Espoiler la vue > > Mais il pleut. Il pleut dans ma couer > La meteo dit "claire" aujourd-hui > Il ne sais pas, ma femme n'ice > Alors il pleut... il pleut dans ma coeur > > Oh' miserie, miserie, qui va less-que au moi? > R. S. V. P.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you mean "ma femme n'ice" she can overlook one English word. She's } warm.  Enjoy. } If you mean "ma femme nice, she can overlook one English word. She's } nice. Enjoy. } If you mean "ma femme n'ici" she's gone. Enjoy. } } Si vous voulez qu'elle revienne, ne lui donnez pas de fromage } ame'ricain.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just moved to France and the water taps are all wrong. The right-hand > tap (C) (that's cold, of course) gives hot water. And the hot tap is > marked (F) and gives cold water. Do French plumbers hate me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No way, that's clearly Celsius and Fahrenheit. Calm the F down.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was marked wrong because I din't catiplaize Bleak an din't spell it > rite. But why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What the Dickens?! } } It is perfectly simple Molesworth as ane fule kno. Bleak House was } where mane of his farmers novels were writ, on the kent (sp korect for } a change) coast at Broadstairs. He rote several farmers novels there } including Martin Chuuzzlewit, the aforemenshioned Bleek House, A } Picture of Dorian Gray no hang on that was Wilde, er and some other } stuff including his unfinished novel. } } Broadstairs a small coastal town by the sea in Kent, has ideal views } of windfarms. Add that in your essay to pad it out a bit. Its most } famous resident was Charles - oh we did that. With its wide sandy } beaches and olde worlde charm (please be aware olde and worlde are not } proper speling, Molesworth, but used by signwriters on shops you } should not enter as they are full of creme tees and old lades) viking } bay is a popular spot for surfers and on a gud day you kan se the } ferries going from Dover to Calais. That is abt all i kan sa abt } Broadstairs. There is trane that go to Charing X. And bak agane. } } English orfografie is all over the place cos of infulences from varyus } other languages and rely speling reform did not get hold until } Johnson's dictionary of 1752. befor that peple just spelled or spelt } as they fancied. Webster in north america tried to sort the mess out } but still leaves some anomlys. } } For example take the dipthong "ch". Chime, pitch, loch, chimera, } chamois. wot chance does a skoolboy hav? It's a chiz. } } So forget ever atempting to spel korektly and do it all fonetic and } say you are brave kuting a new wave. Key dates Webster 1811, Johnson } 1752, establishment of O E D 1930ish (plese chek) and general trend } towards deskriptiv instead of preskriptiv gramar, Take Kings English } (1911) by Fowler bros, as updated by Gowers in 1952. That should pad } out midle of your esay. } } It helps if yuo speke another language to se how ridikulous english } speling is. } } You ow the Orakle a grote.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How may I conquer my anxieties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is time to take the bull by the tail and look the matter squarely in } the face.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why didn't I marry Caroline Kennedy (daughter of JFK) when I had the > chance, when I learned that she had left Schlossburger? That I wasn't > born until 2004 should not have been an excuse, right? Meanwhile, > what's a good plan for finding someone I should marry, perforably with > lots of money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although I am completely infallible, I do not have a brilliant } track-record on match-making. This explains why I encouraged Zadoc to } date a Tibetan Buddhist monk (they both spent most of their time } sweeping floors, which I think counts for something). What I failed to } consider was their different shift patterns (Zadoc works 6am-11pm } every day and the monk works 11pm-6am and meditates the rest of the } time) and eating habits (the monk is vegetarian, and Zadoc literally } eats habits). } } However, I believe that being born with one of: a title (not just "To } Kill a Mocking Bird" or "Fly Fishing"), land (not just a landing) or } old money (better than new money because it used to be LSD), generally } helps with finding a rich partner. } } If you haven't got any of those, then my extensive survey of } literature suggests hanging around a queen's palace and waiting until } some really simple, but socially unacceptable (to the upper classes) } task needs doing. Something like lancing the queen's favourite cat's } boil, or possibly picking a flower that only grows in a poor part of } the village and puts you at grave risk of the plague (or whatever it } is that poor people have these days). } } Once you have fulfilled this simple desire, the queen will fall head } over heels in love with you and give you half her kingdom (or a } discount voucher at Lidl). } } The drawback is that you have to pretend to like ruling things. } } These days, there are far fewer queens around, so I believe the modern } approach is to slide into someone's DMs (Doc Martens) who seems to } have a rich lifestyle and hope they don't mistake you for a burglar. } Or, set aside your morals, and trade it all in for some rich donor's } offer to buy you wallpaper and you'll be running the UK in no time } (allegedly). } } You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding (Boris Johnson's } fourth one, not yours, obviously).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Our garden club, VSGDJT, which stands for Very Special Gardens During > Jiffy Times, was hastily put together by my great-uncle Mel who worked > on the IBM 360/67 CP/CMS at MIT Lincoln Lab. As an IBM entity it uses > weird IBM nomenclature such as data sets instead of files, which was > handy when we wanted to avoid being understood. > > I am the last member of the Garden Club in our state (the Garden State, > NJ) who has any interest at all in the insane IBM retroprocity. Could > you please lend me Little Bobby Tables, SQL Injection and EXECUTE AS so > that I can complete Uncle Mel's mission?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little Bobby isn't here at the moment, unfortunately. He was kicked } out of school because his date of birth was 1st January 1970, and was } arrested for impersonating a child. } You can have Dr NULL, DoB 31st December 1969, from Null Island (just } off the coast of Africa) instead. } } A SQL injection isn't needed if you use Johnson & Johnson's vaccine } (although who wants two Johnsons; the UK has one too many in charge } already). } } Also, EXECUTE AS sounds as though someone got tired of listening to } the instruction "Execute ASAP" and obeyed too quickly (rather like the } mruder of Thomas Eh Becket, the Candian martyr). Unfortunately, the } command was supposed to be "Execute a somersault and forward roll". My } condolences to the gymnast's family.) } } So, your Uncle's mission does seem to be doomed. Unless you can find } an 80-column punched roll of paper that wasn't used in place of toilet } paper in the great bog-roll shortage of 2020. } } You owe the Oracle a heist movie starring Alan Turing, Brian } Kernighan, and Ada Lovelace.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The code has an unsupported bug. It sometimes comes up as "IEH0000 > Unable to load error handler." Other times it does a BSOD but with > squiggly stripes. Please send patch.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As part of an Oracle apprentice training initiative (I get extra } government funding for it), I gave your request to my current cohort. } } After creating a mindmap from a very inclusive, non-judgemental, and } open idea-sharing fusion event, they came up with the following } possible replies: } } - Send the supplicant a patch-cable (from Linda, aged 23 and }   three-quarters) } - Send the supplicant a nicotine patch (from Mike, aged 64 and owner }   of a vacuum cleaner) } - Send the supplicant a paint patch-test (from Stacy, age 37 and }   former book-reader) } - Send the supplicant a dog called Patch (from Bryony, age 32, whose }   ambition is to be a wardrobe) } - Berate the supplicant for being too geeky (from Simon, age 51 whose }   recent divorce from an IT technician has left him somewhat stressed). } - Ignore the question entirely (from Kirsty, age 45, and stay-at-home }   chef) } - Send a very confusing reply to the supplicant that has no relation to }   the question but makes them think they've read something funny, even }   if they didn't laugh (from Quentin, age 28, champagne socialist and }   blue shirt owner). } - Make the supplicant answer their own question by giving them a range }   of options (from Hannah, age 48, former marketing executive who always }   cleans her tins before putting them out for recycling). } } You owe the Oracle a government grant that requires less effort.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tom Lehrer famously sang, "... and EVERYBODY hates the Jews." > > Tom's a secular Jew, at least by inheritance, so his song gives him a > good opportunity for self-loathing. That'll arise out of necessity or > illogical consistency, or something. > > During National Brotherhood Week does he actually step up and shake his > own hand? Please explain.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} National Brotherhood Week was banned some years ago, due to the } surprise discovery of a previously unknown segment of humanity known } as the sisterhood. } } As a non-Jew myself (the Oracle is famously Greek), the only parallel } (apart from the 49th) that I can comment on is the Church of England } (slightly obscure for a Greek atheist like myself, but bear with me). } } The Church of England is famously both Protestant (following Henry The } "Hoover" Eighth protesting that he couldn't divorce) and Catholic (due } to the English love of men (largely) in purple dresses with rose } petals and incense). However, the Church Synod (Synod is French for } "If you nod off, you lose") frequently shakes hands with itself, } although fairly begrudgingly. } } I therefore deduce that Mr Lehrer does shake his own hand, but only } because he thinks he's inferior to himself. } } You owe the Oracle a Church of England themed Vatican Rag entitled } "The Lambeth Palace Walk".