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Internet Oracularities #1598

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Internet Oracularities #1598
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Mon, 06 Sep 2021 20:51:58 -0500 (EST)

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1598-01
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (snort)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, a horse. I do not get very many questions from horses. Indeed,
} your "snort" might not be a question, but instead a profound statement.
} It's likely that you need advice on handling unskilled riders. Here's
} what to do.....
}
} If the rider is not so painful that you have already given him
} impromptu aviation, then simply take off at a trot or even a gallop, go
} all the way down to the far side of the ring, and perform your very
} best pivot. Owing to the laws of motion, your rider will be unlikely to
} accomplish your sudden change in direction, and will be dumped
} unceremoniously on the ground. Trot proudly back.
}
} To complete the dumped rider's misery you might then allow a
} three-year-old child to ride, demonstrating to your unskilled previous
} passenger that the problem lay not with the horse, but with the rider.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vector shaped like a carrot.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1598-02
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wholly Oracle, who owns the Translation of the Saint James Bible (KJV)
> into the original Greek that I cannot read, and whose nose is not
> stained with the blood of turnips, please explain the letters Paul
> wrote to the Corinthions from Emphasis. And why can't I ever
> underrstand any of the religious stuff no matter who is preaching it?
>
> Oh, and to Hell with spelling corrections it just makes things oven
> worse.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Saul, better known as Paul, or possibly Pauline. Strange chap.
}
} I knew him when he was lying on the M5 out of Damascus, blinking after
} being run over by a horse-and-cart. He kept shouting about the light,
} but I'm fairly sure it was the after-effect of one of the horses
} shitting in his eye.
}
} It really affected his writing style, that did. Up until then he'd
} done some really funny columns for the Nazarene Herald. Gags like
} "this guy Jesus says he had to strain out a gnat instead of swallowing
} a camel? You should try drinking anything that's been through the
} Roman water-pipes. I've had three wasps, two snakes, and a bloke who
} claimed he'd slipped on the aqueduct in Jerusalem. And that was just
} last Sabbath. Am I right, guys? (Please don't murder me Mr Centurion;
} satire never really works anyway, does it?)"
}
} Anyway, his letters got really weird. He'd always been a bit of a
} misogynist and more-Pharaseical-than-thou but he went a bit far by
} most people's standards. Logically coherent, but given that his
} starting point was about as realistic as suggesting that Bill Gates
} planned a pandemic in 1995 just to get his own back at people who hid
} a flight simulator in Excel, that's not a good look.
}
} Anyway, no-one ever replied to his letters; they just pretended they
} must have been delivered to the neighbours, or the Pontifical Post
} dropped them in the Lake of Tiberias, or the jackals must have eaten
} it. Anything to avoid having to read the rabid writings of a man who
} believed he was caught up to the seventh heaven when everyone knew
} that what happened was he passed out drunk in Mrs Jebediah
} Swampgrove's Sickly Drinks Parlour and Molly took him upstairs to
} sleep it off.
}
} Shame really; if just one person had told him that the people of
} Corinth didn't want to be told about sexual purity, they were having
} enough trouble with Derek from Number 5 and his Turkish pine
} overshaddowing the tavern's beer garden, then perhaps Paul wouldn't
} have had to write them two more letters (we only have the third one,
} the second genuinely did get eaten by foxes), and we'd have been saved
} one of his more embarrassing rants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Biblical concordance that includes Paul's
} correspondence with the insurers of the horse-driver that knocked him
} over. 50 denarii for washing horse hoof-prints out of his tunic? I
} mean, really!

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1598-03
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand and perfluffluous Oracle, I am still waiting for an answer to
> that question about the geraniums that I sent last week.
>
> Hold on a minute, I just thought of something.
>
> Oh Jeeeezuz, I sent it to my late Aunt "Fluffy" Fischboner by mistake.
> I am so terribly sorry. And I probably should have been asking about
> the chemical element Germanium instead. Far more scientific than
> flowers. Can you forgive me? And what answer would you have given if I
> actually asked you my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clemens Winkler discovered geraniums in 1886 because he was looking
} for something to fill the gap in his periodic dining-table. His
} neighbour was somewhat anti-money, and felt that on the importance
} scale, geraniums fell somewhere between cheap-as-tin and a silly-con.
}
} Previously known as heck-a-silicon, germanium was quickly named after
} Germany because they were getting antsy about their empire starting to
} collapse and no-one wanted to have to count otters, van, bees' marks,
} bath towels, and dutch elms.
}
} You owe the Oracle your late Aunt's husband's phone number. I have a
} flower bed I'd like him to dig over, if you know what I mean.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1598-04
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I told you before on Reddit, I DON'T WORK HERE.
>
> I don't work over there, either.
>
> In fact, I don't work at all.
>
> Please tell these bothersome people to go away and leave me a loan.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now that you're retired, you have a whole universe of things to
} consider. When is my social security check going to arrive?
} What held this hair that fell out in yesterday?
} Is it covered by Medicare?
} What does Joe Namath know about Medicare Coverage?
} Is fifty cats too many for a one-bedroom apartment?
} Where can I go to meet seniors online?
} Do I qualify for the senior discount at Taco Bell?
} Why are all the cars on the freeway passing me and honking their horns?
} Do these suspenders make me look sophisticated?
} What happened to all that money I made while I was working?
} How do I change the battery in my pacemaker?
} What shade of purple is best for this hat?
} Why did I come into this room?
} What's the best way to stay regular?
} Why do people say I have memory problems when I can remember things
} that happened before they were born?
} Why did I think that all that important stuff my whole life was
} important? Do I have to go to my grandchildren's school play after I
} went to their parents school play?
} What happens when I press this bu

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1598-05
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So the Dr says I have seriovipolus or something that sounds like that.
> So I ask him, "Doc, is it serious?"
>
> He says, "No, it's seriovipolus."
>
> Goddamm wise guy.
>
> What's the cure? Best if it has like brandy or schnapps in it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interestingly, if you cure ham, the pig doesn't come back to life.
}
} Lesser incarnations might point out that The Cure is an English rock
} band. However, Robert Smith is in The Cure, and not The Smiths, so
} that renders them null and void.
}
} You are very optimistic if you think that any valid cure will contain
} brandy or schnapps; this is only the case for robust, red-faced men in
} Edwardian literature, who think that alcohol is the answer to
} everything except, "Why do I have cirrhosis of the liver and cannot
} function before 11am without three pints of whisky?".
}
} The correct cure is actually to be ducked (because you're suffering
} from a mallardy), then egged on (by a high-flying duck) and finally
} washed up (either in the kitchen sink or possibly in the Job Centre).
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for elephantiasis (fear of ivory).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1598-06
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to learn about Fringe Science. I think it's like Political
> Science, but more based on tattered clothing or maybe my grandmother's
> hand-knit antimacassars than on tattered nations. What are the greatest
> accomplishments in Fringe Science?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has long been known that everyone believes that an actor is a
} scientist if they wear a white coat.
}
} What is less well known is that everyone believes a scientist is an
} out-of-work actor if they go to Edinburgh and hand out flyers and
} burgers in the street.
} (That's the only Fringe joke I know; deal with it.)
}
} Anyway, Fringe Science is based on people stepping on the hem of
} someone's coat and tripping them up, or similar accidents. (You might
} ask, why would someone wear a coat that long in the first place? Well,
} Joseph wore a technically-coloured am-dram-coat and look where it got
} him.)
}
} Without the effects of long coats, we would never have discovered
} astronomy (Johannes Kepler tripped over Tycho Brahe's coat and saw
} stars.)
}
} We would never have discovered how to protect against gas explosions
} in coal mines (after Humphrey Bogart's pet canary was startled by his
} farts, got tangled up in his curtains and ripped them off the wall, so
} he had to lock the canary in a metal cage and threaten to set it on
} fire. Thus was born the Davy's safety lamp; able to detect explosive
} gastric emissions before they occurred at the cost of only one canary
} per fart.)
}
} Most importantly of all, we would never have discovered computers. The
} story of how Charles Babbage, annoyed by his automatic loom messing up
} the hem of his nice new summer coat, invented an automatic
} differentiation engine, to differentiate between blue/black and
} white/gold is well known. The story of Ada Lovelace (who owned the
} precursor brand to Ann Summers) is less well known, even though she
} invented parallel threaded computing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fringe benefit (my hair got a bit long during
} lockdown).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1598-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You asked me please to gather up some additional supplicants for your
> army. I mentioned you to my brother and to my father. My brother
> laughed and said, "Like the tooth fairy, eh?" My dad said, "You still
> haven't figured out that I was Santa Claus, just me in a silly suit
> with some pillows, I see."
>
> It's awful hard to convince people that you are who you think you are.
> Nobody believes me. Except you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a man who said "Here
} I am. No-one should find it queer
} That my sentience thus
} Demonstrates animus".
} So Descartes put the horse to the rear.
}
} Contrary? J. Sartre was so
} Stating "sum" antecedes one's "ego"
} Philosophic U-turning
} Had thinkers' ears burning.
} It weren't just a switch of bons mots.
}
} Existence depends on belief
} And vice versa, you see? To be brief
} But the two are entwined
} And of similar kind:
} Of both body and mind I'm the chief.
}
} You owe your family a nonthought-experiment. Here's my .45.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1598-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, my name is Magoono Quagglemyre. Obviously a fake name, of
> course. I just needed to grovel to you by appearing to be more of a
> loser than any other supplicants. Top of the bottom of the heap, as it
> were. The name says it all.
>
> What's the best way to recover from an unplanned defenestration? Like
> when I visit Prague next month?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In subjects most fenestral
} The q is moot.the best, y'all
} Can take a trump
} By the hump
} (Big lump.)
}
} Avoiding thus european v.a.t.
} D'ya see?
} Cos in cszechia
} You cAnnae cash a check. Ja?
}
} So plenty of folding money
} Honey
} Will get you down the danube or duna
} Sooner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dire critical remark.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1598-09
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message was sent from a non-IU address. Please exercise caution
> when clicking links or opening attachments from external sources.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Please exercise caution." ???
}
} Clearly a misprint. Must have meant cation, as in Na+ or K+. The
} correct method for exercising a cation is to restore and remove the
} electron repeatedly, thus building muscles on the cat.
}
} No, it doesn't make any sense to me, either.
}
} You owe the Oracle an.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1598-10
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's been a long time since I have asked you a decent question. In the
> time since then I have changed my name again, twice. I am now Decent M.
> Schportchnoozle. Not much worse than before. Or befive, as that Great
> Danish Piano Person once said.
>
> Anyway, my name is now Decent, unlike what it was yesterday when I was
> still named after that fellow from the conic section Joe Btfsplk.
>
> Why do I still hate myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah that's your basic problem, you're still hanging around with the
} conic section... an eccentric bunch know occasionally to be somewhat
} elliptic.
}
} Let me say plane. Again. Assumed nomenclatura is no surer sine of base
} motives. Your supposed friend or cosiner could have done no finer than
} to seek ant like you. Your trig is infra dig.
}
} With some careful practice of observing the geodesical sphere
} It will become clear.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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