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Internet Oracularities #1599

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1599, 1599-01, 1599-02, 1599-03, 1599-04, 1599-05, 1599-06, 1599-07, 1599-08, 1599-09, 1599-10


Internet Oracularities #1599
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Wed, 03 Nov 2021 21:06:05 -0500 (EST)

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   1599
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1599-01
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Dr says I am covidly obese. Will I die? And will you sing at the
> funeral? What song? Or maybe a marching band with bagpipes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's alright. You're not going to die. A nice glad of warm milk with
} honey to soothe your throat and those irritated lungs.
}
} It'll make the coffin stop.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1599-02
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
>
> Can someone be born blind for sinning? Could he have sinned before he
> was born?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters of religion it is paramount or perhaps paramour that we seek
} guidance from the Holy Bible, which contains advice that you are not
} expected to understand. See First Kings, chapter 7, verses 23 and 26,
} in which we learn that pi is equal to three.
}
} That valuation is a good example of obscure code. "You are not expected
} to understand this." See line 2238 of the source code in Lions'
} Commentary on Unix Version 6.
}
} Remember, the Bible can be understood only by God's Eyes, not yours.
} Similarly, any abstruse code from Brian or Dennis.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete explanation of
}      if(rp->p_flag&SSWAP) {
}              rp->p_flag =& ~SSWAP;
}              aretu(u.u_ssav);
}          }

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1599-03
Selected-By: <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please wave your wreath of laurel in a hearty welcome to Latrina
> Commode of Flushing, New York and her horse Double You See as they
> enter the wring for the final event in today's Grand Euphemism
> Cup Races.
>
> Is your television even turned on? Shame!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ticket prices have been slashed, so come on down to the paddock and
} don't frighten the horses.
}
} Here you can pick your own vegetables for charity, so take a leak and
} raise money for the Society of Humans Ignoring Toilet-Seats UP.
}
} Oh no, what's this; the horse-feed has been spilled and the almonds
} are all on the floor. The jockeys are gathering tightly around the
} nuts; that must be painful.
}
} I'm not privy to all the details, but a little bird told me the
} jockeys have been powdering their noses with "talcum powder" for
} several hours, so the results should be interesting.
}
} And after a long race, the winner is holding the Armitage Shanks bowl
} high in the air; flushed with success. Now if you'll excuse me I
} promised my husband I'd take our children swimming, so I need to drop
} the kids off at the pool.
}
} You owe the Oracle an arrest warrant for whoever stole Zadoc's
} collection of urine samples. That's just taking the piss.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1599-04
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I thought that using elemental fluorine as my oxidizer instead of good
> ol' liquid oxygen would give my rocket the extra bit of kick it needed
> to reach orbit, but it keeps oxidizing my nozzles and tubing in
> addition to my fuel. I've tried every material I can think of, but
> every time I test-fire the rocket engine it melts or flakes or
> something and explodes and contaminates my wind tunnel with fluorine.
>
> Have I overlooked an obvious solution here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use solid FOOF. It already has oxygen and fluorine, and plenty of it.
} Your chances of getting a bad reaction are, um, ah, oh well.
}
} Look, when something is about 483% explosive you had better have your
} very best running shoes on.
}
} Oh dear! Now we know that FOOF is capable of exploding if one merely
} thinks about it. Sorry about the loss of your thumbs. And toes. And
} nose. And more.
}
} Yes, I do feel rather silly, composing an answer to a cloud of former
} supplicant!

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1599-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Renfrew again, you remember me, the supplicant who never understands
> his own parfluous questions or your uninestimable answers.
>
> I have just discovered the secret of winning at the races. I'm going to
> bet on Master Robert, owned by Lord Airlie, in the 1924 Grand National
> at Aintree. This is a good way to make lots of money, if only I can
> find the method for placing my bets. Your uninestimable help will be
> especially uninestimable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting choice, since Master Robert was run with starting
} odds of 25/1, but you could bet on Tipperary Tim in 1928 at 100/1
} odds. Famously Tipperary Tim could only win if all the other horses
} fell, which just so happened to have occured. Forty-two horses raced
} and two finished, jockey William Dutton having the advantage between
} the two because he stayed on his horse for the whole race.
}
} So I'm sure you see my point. Merely betting on a known winner will
} get you some money, but finding and betting on the most improbable
} winner is how to really rake it in. Then to place the bets, I
} recommend the radio delay grift. Find _The Sting_ on Netf^H^H^H^H
} VHS or laserdisk and study that fine example of post-post betting
} being used to secure a gambling edge.
}
} Just be careful not accidentally watch Sting in _Dune_ or the
} stinging insect movie _Stung_ because then you'll shouting killing
} words at wasps instead.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1599-06
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which are those words you were telling me about that are not spelled
> the way they are written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those are loanwords. Please give them back when you are done with them.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1599-07
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy Jumpin' Double Jeezus! Holy Double Jumpin' Double Jeezus! I just
> found out that when I thought I was cussin', with all those religious
> words, I was actually committing blasphemy. Please tell me how to
> reverse blasphemy so that I don't go to GOTO HELL, which my cousin the
> computer porngamer says is Very Very Bad.
>
> Also tell me how to make money like my cousin does. He won't talk about
> it. He also says I should use the COMEFROM statement in
> FIVEANDAHALFTRAN. He's lying, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you need is pray to CHEESES
} Now St Paul said what is that roque fort? It is for CHEESUS who'll have
} it all.
}
} Now to caerphilly with Brest in blue
} What was the weapon to carry us through?
}
} Love of CHEESES there's your salvation. As CHEESES has it all.
}
} Now look to holland, the navigation,
} When th'e e dams bust the banks did not fall like. They had CHEESES in
} salvination, and gouder it makes us all.
}
} You owe the O about half a pound of Double Gloucester.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1599-08
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear O you know I've always been a fan of Stevenson and Watt
> So wat I got
> Was a ticket to the station in Budapest
> Where they are depicted best
>
> But I had to take electrik transit
> Cos the poor steam was sic transit
> Gloria mundi
>
> Who's Gloria?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you may already have noticed, questions about Gloria Mundi generally
} devolve into answers about Tuesday Weld or Joe Friday, but as you saw
} as recently as six years ago, Billie Holiday, Billy Sunday, Ash
} Wednesday, Monday Thirsty, and Dieu Merci C'est Vendredi occasionally
} appear.
}
} What (or Watt) you need is a Copeland steam-powered bicycle. Its
} penny-farthing design lends an element of wild excitement or blind fear
} to its operation.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1599-09
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My name is Max and my sister's name is Min. Yes, our mother is a
> mathematician and father a sports-medicine physiologist, so I can see
> how they came up with those name, but why, oh why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because why oh why oh spells yoyo.
}
} You owe the o a spinning and top

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1599-10
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last time you answered my question you were clearly drunk. The answer
> was ridiculous and hopelessly useless. What should I drink in order to
> better understand and appreciate your replies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absinthe makes the heart grow stronger.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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