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1599, 1599-01, 1599-02, 1599-03, 1599-04, 1599-05, 1599-06, 1599-07, 1599-08, 1599-09, 1599-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Dr says I am covidly obese. Will I die? And will you sing at the > funeral? What song? Or maybe a marching band with bagpipes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's alright. You're not going to die. A nice glad of warm milk with } honey to soothe your throat and those irritated lungs. } } It'll make the coffin stop.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" > > Can someone be born blind for sinning? Could he have sinned before he > was born?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters of religion it is paramount or perhaps paramour that we seek } guidance from the Holy Bible, which contains advice that you are not } expected to understand. See First Kings, chapter 7, verses 23 and 26, } in which we learn that pi is equal to three. } } That valuation is a good example of obscure code. "You are not expected } to understand this." See line 2238 of the source code in Lions' } Commentary on Unix Version 6. } } Remember, the Bible can be understood only by God's Eyes, not yours. } Similarly, any abstruse code from Brian or Dennis. } } You owe the Oracle a complete explanation of }      if(rp->p_flag&SSWAP) { }              rp->p_flag =& ~SSWAP; }              aretu(u.u_ssav); }          }

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please wave your wreath of laurel in a hearty welcome to Latrina > Commode of Flushing, New York and her horse Double You See as they > enter the wring for the final event in today's Grand Euphemism > Cup Races. > > Is your television even turned on? Shame!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ticket prices have been slashed, so come on down to the paddock and } don't frighten the horses. } } Here you can pick your own vegetables for charity, so take a leak and } raise money for the Society of Humans Ignoring Toilet-Seats UP. } } Oh no, what's this; the horse-feed has been spilled and the almonds } are all on the floor. The jockeys are gathering tightly around the } nuts; that must be painful. } } I'm not privy to all the details, but a little bird told me the } jockeys have been powdering their noses with "talcum powder" for } several hours, so the results should be interesting. } } And after a long race, the winner is holding the Armitage Shanks bowl } high in the air; flushed with success. Now if you'll excuse me I } promised my husband I'd take our children swimming, so I need to drop } the kids off at the pool. } } You owe the Oracle an arrest warrant for whoever stole Zadoc's } collection of urine samples. That's just taking the piss.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I thought that using elemental fluorine as my oxidizer instead of good > ol' liquid oxygen would give my rocket the extra bit of kick it needed > to reach orbit, but it keeps oxidizing my nozzles and tubing in > addition to my fuel. I've tried every material I can think of, but > every time I test-fire the rocket engine it melts or flakes or > something and explodes and contaminates my wind tunnel with fluorine. > > Have I overlooked an obvious solution here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use solid FOOF. It already has oxygen and fluorine, and plenty of it. } Your chances of getting a bad reaction are, um, ah, oh well. } } Look, when something is about 483% explosive you had better have your } very best running shoes on. } } Oh dear! Now we know that FOOF is capable of exploding if one merely } thinks about it. Sorry about the loss of your thumbs. And toes. And } nose. And more. } } Yes, I do feel rather silly, composing an answer to a cloud of former } supplicant!

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Renfrew again, you remember me, the supplicant who never understands > his own parfluous questions or your uninestimable answers. > > I have just discovered the secret of winning at the races. I'm going to > bet on Master Robert, owned by Lord Airlie, in the 1924 Grand National > at Aintree. This is a good way to make lots of money, if only I can > find the method for placing my bets. Your uninestimable help will be > especially uninestimable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting choice, since Master Robert was run with starting } odds of 25/1, but you could bet on Tipperary Tim in 1928 at 100/1 } odds. Famously Tipperary Tim could only win if all the other horses } fell, which just so happened to have occured. Forty-two horses raced } and two finished, jockey William Dutton having the advantage between } the two because he stayed on his horse for the whole race. } } So I'm sure you see my point. Merely betting on a known winner will } get you some money, but finding and betting on the most improbable } winner is how to really rake it in. Then to place the bets, I } recommend the radio delay grift. Find _The Sting_ on Netf^H^H^H^H } VHS or laserdisk and study that fine example of post-post betting } being used to secure a gambling edge. } } Just be careful not accidentally watch Sting in _Dune_ or the } stinging insect movie _Stung_ because then you'll shouting killing } words at wasps instead.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which are those words you were telling me about that are not spelled > the way they are written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those are loanwords. Please give them back when you are done with them.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy Jumpin' Double Jeezus! Holy Double Jumpin' Double Jeezus! I just > found out that when I thought I was cussin', with all those religious > words, I was actually committing blasphemy. Please tell me how to > reverse blasphemy so that I don't go to GOTO HELL, which my cousin the > computer porngamer says is Very Very Bad. > > Also tell me how to make money like my cousin does. He won't talk about > it. He also says I should use the COMEFROM statement in > FIVEANDAHALFTRAN. He's lying, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you need is pray to CHEESES } Now St Paul said what is that roque fort? It is for CHEESUS who'll have } it all. } } Now to caerphilly with Brest in blue } What was the weapon to carry us through? } } Love of CHEESES there's your salvation. As CHEESES has it all. } } Now look to holland, the navigation, } When th'e e dams bust the banks did not fall like. They had CHEESES in } salvination, and gouder it makes us all. } } You owe the O about half a pound of Double Gloucester.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear O you know I've always been a fan of Stevenson and Watt > So wat I got > Was a ticket to the station in Budapest > Where they are depicted best > > But I had to take electrik transit > Cos the poor steam was sic transit > Gloria mundi > > Who's Gloria?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you may already have noticed, questions about Gloria Mundi generally } devolve into answers about Tuesday Weld or Joe Friday, but as you saw } as recently as six years ago, Billie Holiday, Billy Sunday, Ash } Wednesday, Monday Thirsty, and Dieu Merci C'est Vendredi occasionally } appear. } } What (or Watt) you need is a Copeland steam-powered bicycle. Its } penny-farthing design lends an element of wild excitement or blind fear } to its operation.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My name is Max and my sister's name is Min. Yes, our mother is a > mathematician and father a sports-medicine physiologist, so I can see > how they came up with those name, but why, oh why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because why oh why oh spells yoyo. } } You owe the o a spinning and top

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last time you answered my question you were clearly drunk. The answer > was ridiculous and hopelessly useless. What should I drink in order to > better understand and appreciate your replies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absinthe makes the heart grow stronger.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

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