Goto:

16, 16-01, 16-02, 16-03, 16-04, 16-05, 16-06, 16-07, 16-08, 16-09, 16-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK What exactly IS the speed of a swallow, African or European?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear, the speed of the swallow, } black, white, green, or yellow, } is the largest eigenvalue } (calculated as I tell you) } of the matrix of wind vectors, } and some other similar factors, } .... } the jist of this [blasted] rhyme } is that exact speed varies with time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who was Rimsky-Korsakov and why do I consider him God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Legend has it that Jack Rimsky was a Polish immigrant from Chicago who } used to work for <hush> CIA.  Svetlana Korsakova was a Russian whore who } seduced Rimsky into ratting on his motherland.  They trusted each other } and Trojan, Inc.  too much.  Leonard Rimsky-Korsakov was their bastard } son born on June 6, 1966 (6/6/66).  Because of his unusual background } and an interesting date of birth, Leo became famous as the Lord of sick } bastards. } } Are you sure you still want to know why you consider him God?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is 'slack', and how do I obtain it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold on tight. Wait a minute. Relax. Got it?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who in the *hell* is Bob?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe <oracle-people@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> $500 for assuming that the } Oracle will not understand your question if you do not highlight the } word "hell".  Remember, child, only mortals have doubts.  The Oracle } knows the questions even before you ask them.  It just does not bother } to answer them lest you twits should be confused. } } The Oracle thinks that your question should have been phrased in plural } because of the following message: } } >From devil@hellfire.GOV } >Date: Wed, 29 Feb 312 BC 08:33:45 -0500 } >From: The Devil Himself <devil@hellfire.GOV> } >Subject: The Oracle <oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> wants an updated list } >Sender: info%hell-dbase@hellfire.GOV } >To: "The Oracle" <oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> } >Precedence: junk } >Reply-To: /dev/null } > } >Your recent database query } >     SELECT first-name, middle-initial, last-name } >     WHERE (first-name == "Bob" || "Robert") } >had already produced 12764.3 Gigabytes of output when silo overflow } >caused our computers to crash. } > } >In the future, please process such queries by hand (smirk). } > } >                             Nobody's, } >                                     Lucifer } } Since the list of Bobs in hell could only have grown, I recommend that } you avoid requesting this information by electronic mail.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, > > I desire to live forever ( not just a long time ), do you > have any recommendations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (1) Don't drink anything marked with a skull and crossbones } } (2) Do not stab yourself through the eye with a long, sharp knife coated }     with Jivaro toad venom. } } (3) Do not hurl yourself bodily from a small biplane at 16,000 feet }     altitude without wearing a parechute. } } (4) Do not immerse your head in vats of boiling potato, glue, and }     cyanide stew. } } (5) Do not stab repeatedly at your wrists with sharp daggers. } } (6) Do not make anti-Italian jokes in the presence of Luigi "Sharp }     Daggers" diLinguini, even if they are mostly deserved. } } (7) Don't eat an Alp whole.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Siliconiferous, most wise, most high.  O sage one, whos' > circuits should be bathed in non-conductive root-beer most lovingly by > only the most nubile of slavegirls: > > Why do boneheads speak of Millions of Instructions Per Second (MIPS) as > if it were a plural term?  How many times must these thickwits be told > that there is NO SUCH THING AS A MACHINE THAT RUNS AT 1 MIP, DAMN IT!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are incorrect.  There are many machines which run at 1 MIP.  The } Yugochip is a small but amazing chip, with a small but amazing bug:  the } program counter is read-only, and incremented on each instruction cycle. } It does not wrap around.  It is 20 bits (the Yugochip is an 8088 } variant), and so a Yugochip machine is permanantly disabled after one } mega-instruction.  It is thus a 1-MIP (one million instructions, period) } machine. } } It is so successful that they are coming out with the Yugo3chip, which } will be a 1GIP machine.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three fish, four fish, black fish, more fish!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people spend time reading news on the network and never > participate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are psychic receptors for the intense mental energy beams of the } truly intelligent.  Biffle blorfle brangle blanks.  I can't find my } toad.  help. } } quti } } quit } } send } } exit } } q } } send this fucking message dammit } } help } } ? } } where's the fucking manual? } } get me the hell out of here } } ~!man mail } } That's really stupid!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does water flow downhill in the springtime? > >       -Love Kisses and a Neutron Bomb

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Water flow downhill in pringtime because it not very much.  oh.  fun. } no.  not that.  anything but that.  they spike my steam with free } association stuff.  and nonsense.  very much nonsense.  the neutron bomb } is not the good thing.  neither am i the good thing.  the neutron bomb } use heavy water.  heavy watter falls down and runss down.  springtime } not matter much.  very ogod.  goo away now.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   If this is for real, or a joke, or something else..(please specify >   what if it's something else)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is something else.  This is for cosmic insight, frequently to be } obtained in the sense of a Zen koan.  This is for advice and } commiseration.  This is for fun.  This is the world in microcosm, Kether } and Chokmah and Binah and Malkuth.  This is the toast of the town, the } ghost in the gown.  Yeah.