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Internet Oracularities #1600

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Internet Oracularities #1600
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2022 11:01:18 -0500 (EST)

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1600-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sorry, I overmisunderestimated in my last question. Please except my
> repugnance for this uncoveredly fact. Now let's get to a good question.
> Where did I leave it, and how will I know I've found it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some supplicants are beyond help. Others are Far Beyond Help. You have
} left those losers in the mud. Like outtasight beyond help.
}
} Don't worry about tribute. I would not want to be owed anything from
} you.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1600-02
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie whose fossil fuel
> Can only be talked of as cool
> Whose coking is brill
> And gives all us a thrill
> While our heating remains duel.
>
> I have been having a yak with me coal porter. But I think he might have
> sold me down the river. What to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those spots that appear on your hands when you get seriously old are
} sometimes called liver spots. They are a sign of Old Man Liver. You'd
} best send Cole to Newcastle.
}
} You owe the Oracle some less far-fetched stuff. Perhaps compare
} Newcastle and Aintree races. As in racing, not racists.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1600-03
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if I misspell "sic"? Then what happens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll fall into a very sic (sic) joke.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spell of good healht.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1600-04
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you say that schizophrenics are more fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Schizophrenia means never having to admit you might be sane. Of course
} it's fun. I'm schizophrenic on alternate Tuesdays every week, when I
} hallucinate that I am receiving mysterious supplications from idiotic
} supplicants such as you. For further details see your shrink.
}
} You owe the Oracle a resurrected implementation of Parry the Paranoid.
} And a bottle of rum.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1600-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which broads should I study?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My earlier answer was in the singular, not the plural, and I told you
} to study "abroad" or perhaps "aboard" which you could do on the boat
} taking you to foreign shores. Lots of pretty foreign girls there,
} really exotic. Pretty foreign. They were supposed to be able to totally
} misunderstand you no matter how much you studied them.
}
} In the typical fashion of the ordinary and useless ("too short")
} supplicant you ignored my advice and did everything else instead.
}
} You have now screwed the nail, and are left with a pile of lumber, 1x6
} boards that are too short for your purposes. Study them well. They're
} all you'll get.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better grade of vodka. My current supply does not
} get me drunk enough to answer you properly.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1600-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> She wants me to rearrange her insides??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Open the door to her closet.
}
} No, no, no! Not that one! That's Fibber McGee's closet. Everything will
} fall out with a terrible clatter.
}
} It's the other closet, where she keeps packages of stuffing for making
} toys for children and also the bags of stuffing for filling Christmas
} turkeys. She's been getting them confused lately, and the last turkey
} she baked was dreadful.
}
} Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to rearrange that closet.
} And also to eat the dreadful stuffed turkey.
}
} Rotsa.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1600-07
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand and almost-fluffy Oracle, who can tell the difference between
> the Portuguese and the Portuganders, as well as and also between the
> Mishigas and the Michiganders, please explain to me where I can find
> the Silly Aisles. Back in that time there was the Wholly Roman Umpire.
> Please explain him, too, more or lest.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Silly Aisles are located in England or the United Kingdom or
} Great Britain. [We're off to a bad start]. There are five or six
} islands, depending on whether you count Gugh separately from St.
} Agnes. [Things are not getting better.] The largest city is Hugh
} Town where 1,097 lived in 2011, up from 1,068 in 2001. No word on
} where the additional 29 people came from, births, immigrants from
} London, or just washed up on shore. [This town is not Huge in my
} book, the Oracle Book of Huge towns, available from the B family
} of bookstores, B. Dalton, Barnes and Noble, and Borders, except
} B. Dalton and Borders, which have gone out of business.]
}
} I congratulate you on the depth of your question (something the
} Oracle almost never does) because there is actually a Roman temple
} in Hugh Town. Hasn't been excavated, so nobody knows what's under
} it, except maybe the people who built it.
}
} The big event in Hugh is the World Championship Pilot Gig Race, held
} on the May Day Bank holiday. [They close the banks for Gig Races?
} Apparently they do. That's money banks, not river banks.] Unlike
} thousands of megabytes, a gig is an oar powered boat used in the 17th
} century to take pilots to incoming Atlantic vessels. The pilot who
} got there first got the job, hence the races. The gig was also one
} of the first shore-based lifeboats. Alfred Hitchcock is known for
} inserting himself as a cameo in his movies, but it took some
} ingenuity to get him into his movie Lifeboat, which, as you may
} have already surmised, took place on a lifeboat. Not a gig lifeboat,
} mind you. [We're going downhill fast. Things are getting worse and
} worse.] He appeared in a newspaper held by one of the survivors
} (on the lifeboat) as the "before" and "after" pictures in an advert
} for the the Sensational New Reduco Obesity Slayer. What Americans
} abbreviate as ad, British abbreviate as advert. That brings us back
} to the beginning, as the Silly Aisles are British.
}
} By the way, the female form of Michigander is not Michigoose as many
} belileve, but Michigaze. Go Blue^H^H^H^H Green!
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of yourself reading this answer in a loop
} over and over until you drop from exhaustion or starvation. [Neither
} is a good way to lose weight, but you already knew that.]

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1600-08
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Rates plummet" you told me.
>
> You must have been talking about my Uncle Dave, who rates all sorts of
> things on his invisible website. He rated a well-known brand of poultry
> last week, Irving Crumbly's Roast Plummet, and he said it was very
> good, considering what it was.
>
> What should Uncle Dave rate next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've set up quite a few ratings websites in my time. It allows people
} to vent their petty frustrations without addressing the fundamental
} issues of our time, such as whether Boris Johnson has ever been
} ambushed by a cake.
}
} Angry people: IRateIRates.com
}
} Legumes: IRateHerpeas.com (not to be confused with the STI clinic's
} feedback website)
}
} Seamen: IRateRatings.com (see above; also not to be confused with the
} competitor: RankMyRatings.com)
}
} Rodents: IRateRats.com
}
} Children's toys: IRateRattles.com (not to be confused with a website
} devoted to catching angry snakes: IRateRattles.net)
}
} Norse Gods: IRateRatatoskr.nl
}
} French stews: IRateRatatouille.com (its European competitor,
} IRateRatatouilleToo.eu didn't fare well).
}
} Tension mechanisms: IRateRatchets.com (not to be confused with a site
} for rating rodent faeces).
}
} Finnish Ice hockey players: IRateRaty.com
}
} Indian flatbreads: IRateRoti.com
}
} You owe the Oracle a way of collecting people's feedback about how
} easy they find it to use all these ratings websites.
} FeedbackOnMyMultipleFeedbackSites.com doesn't roll off the tongue.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1600-09
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Trying to do conversions again. Need more kilograms per inch to
> complete my stolen crook's radiometer. It receives KDKA in Pittsburhg
> but only at night. Please send help. Or money. Or something.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle only works in old-fashioned money, so will be sending you
} some good old British LSD (that's lounds, shillings, and dense) as
} recompense.
} If you want to know your rate, then measuring it in groats per furlong
} (a furlong is the opposite of a Brazilian) is the way to go. Your
} particular message was relatively short, and it was worth around three
} score groats at a length of 0.1 chains, giving you a rate of 6000
} groats per furlong, which is better than Elon Musk paying $1.2b to fly
} 86km through the air.
} (Zadoc once flew 90km through the air on some LSD but that's because
} he walked off the edge of the Grand Canyon while high.)
}
} Also, you should note that your radiometer only works due to the
} differential between black and white, which means it will work best if
} you take it to apartheid-era South Africa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to use a radiometer to measure the Queen's
} royal waves.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1600-10
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's not Christmas anymore, at least not much. But I still want a
> hippopotamus. Gayla Peevey finally got her hippopotamus but I didn't.
>
> Please send me a hippopotamus. I won't threaten to hold my breath
> until I turn blue and die. That never works. Instead I'll just keep
> spelling hippopotamus as hittapopamus until I get one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I came across a rather unusual sight the other day. Three wealthy
} landowners were meeting on elaborately decorated animal skins,
} two seemed to be on tanned cattle skins and the third was on a
} hippopotamus. The estates of the first two were considerable,
} but the third one was the size of the first two combined.
}
} Yes, the squire on the hippopotamus was equal to the sum of the
} squires on the two other hides.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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