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Internet Oracularities #1601

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Internet Oracularities #1601
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Wed, 21 Sep 2022 18:53:42 -0500 (EST)

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1601-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In honour of the obvious merits of the French "metric" system over the
> despised "English" system of measurement, I propose metric gold.
> Instead of 24 carats, there will be 100, which will multiply the amount
> of gold by 4, roughly, allowing more wealth for everyone. I'll keep the
> small bits of gold left over from the conversion, where 96 (that's 24
> times 4) is not quite equal to 100.
>
> Please provide for me a set of watertight logical arguments to persuade
> the governments and scientific societies everywhere of the merits of my
> new system. Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The following Oracular response has been transcribed by an English
} incarnation, who is therefore gritting their teeth in being forced to
} promote France over England.
}
} "An Englishman's home is his castle" is a well-known saying. This is
} patently not true as very few English homes are surrounded by moats or
} equipped with portcullises, or indeed supported by a feudal system of
} repressed peasants.
} The English system of financial stability is founded on the Royal Mint
} (Prince Charles is known to like Polo) and the Bank of England (this
} should be the "Banksy of England", as it is based on political satire,
} graffitti, and shredded paper).
} English people are very much in favour of the "carrot and stick"
} approach, and have frequently chosen the stick over the carat (the
} late Sean Lock notwithstanding).
}
} From this, we can deduce that an English house is largely constructed
} from copies of Punch (shredded) and sticks (sharp), with the financial
} stability of a pyramid scheme built out of damp cigarette papers, and
} this is why the French defeated them in 1066.
}
} The French, on the other hand, invented the hot-air balloon (so they
} could look down on everyone), the guillotine (so the rich couldn't
} look down on anyone), the Gay-lussac system (for measuring how likely
} you are to end up in the gutter after drinking), the spirit level (for
} testing if your dead grandmother is telling the truth), and the
} Etch-A-Sketch (easily droppable so you don't have to pin your
} children's artwork to the fridge). They are also the most striking
} people on earth (apart from the RMT union), and have a president named
} after a punctuation mark (imagine if the UK was governed by Mr Acute).
}
} We therefore deduce that the French have a completely egalitarian
} society where everyone can be held to account or, alternatively, can
} drink to forget people who have not been held to account. Anything
} they suggest is therefore perfect.
}
} Your proposed system of gold is perfect for these troubled times. In
} one fell swoop we enrich the poor (or at least those who have been
} left a small gold ornament by their forebears), annoy Mr Putin (which
} sounds very much like the French for "sex worker"), and provide 4%
} extra for overthrowing the bourgeoisie (anyone who was  left *two*
} gold ornaments by their forebears).
}
} You owe the Oracle a 4% pay-rise, or I go on strike (which involves
} hitting Zadoc with a match).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1601-02
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am afraid of pirates. NOT pilots like the Major General. Salami
> pirates from the Salami country. How can I be sure they won't come here
> and steal my sandwiches?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several assurance methods concerning your sandwiches to
} consider, and since they are subjective, this Oracle can only present
} them to you.
}
} Make your sandwiches unappetizing by adding unusual condiments or
} disguising your main protein to look like cat food.
}
} Change your venue to one far away from the Sandwich Isles; everyone is
} hungry there.
}
} Buy a sandwich insurance policy; yes, you may lose a sandwich but get
} one replenished quickly enough.
}
} But my favorite choice would be to hang a sign on your door advertising
} that you have a vegan home. Then no salami man would then step foot
} there.
}
} You owe the Oracle one pepperoni stick.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1601-03
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nobody understands me. Sometimes gur jbeqf V fcrnx trg nyy fjveyrq
> nebhaq naq V znxr ab frafr ng nyy. Could you perhaps administer half a
> ZOT as sort of a correction? Guvatf ner trggvat gbgnyyl evqvphybhf,
> nyzbfg yvxr Whyvhf Frvmher. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's be honest here, abobql haqrefgnaqf lbh orpnhfr lbh'er EBGgra. :-)

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1601-04
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Assuming it's even a real thing, what's a "groomerang"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's simply part of silly wedding traditions. The bridesmaid who
} catches the bride's bouquet is supposed to be the next victim. The
} groom's second cousin who gets covered with the groom's vomit (the
} groomerang) when they were out drinking the night before the wedding
} and has to get removed but it is a real mess becomes a second cousin
} once removed. The groom's third cousin (Alfie, you remember him) steps
} into second place, unless he trips on his own shoelaces. Oops, he did.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1601-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the heck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, heck. It's the part of eternity that holds people who use
} euphemisms. Darn it to heck and what the heck are two of the famous
} ones. You owe the Oracle, whose throne is leaking, a better porcelain
} euphemism.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1601-06
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was trying to hunt up the meaning of the word majnun but I spelled it
> wrong and got mahjongg instead. Now I am obsessed, totally crazy, of,
> with or about playing mahjongg. Or perhaps majnun. I just bought 28
> identical sets of mahjongg tiles, all exceptionally antique and
> exceptionally unique.
>
> Anyway that's all milk over the damn, not worth thinking about. Please
> give me a better obsession so that I can ask you good questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Better obsession" otherwise known as "an addiction to gamblers".
}
} Shepherds are obsessed with gambollers.
}
} Gambolling sheep are often frisky, but they're not good at airport
} security pat-downs.
}
} Pat-downs are what you get from cows, or maybe herds of cattle.
}
} I've heard of cattle; they tend to low a lot at night.
}
} A low-lying cow means it's going to rain.
}
} "To reign" is a toast to Elizabeth's long occupation of the throne.
}
} A long occupation of the throne is a reason to consult a Bristol Stool
} Chart.
}
} A Bristol Stool Chart is not a list of furniture from the River Severn.
}
} River Severn does not flow from River Six.
}
} River Six is not how Australian fish are made.
}
} Our maid is the person who does the cleaning and tidying.
}
} Tie-dying is colouring pieces of cloth in amazing shades.
}
} Amazing shades are how to protect your eyes from the Sun.
}
} I's from The Sun is how a tabloid journalist might introduce
} themselves.
}
} Them shelves is what I store them books on.
}
} Book-son is what A.A. Milne referred to Christopher Robin as.
}
} A robin 'as a beak and a red breast.
}
} A red breast is the result of body painting gone wrong.
}
} Gong wrong is the opposite of cymbal right.
}
} Symbol right is a pointed icon.
}
} A pointed icon is how to hurt yourself in an Orthodox church.
}
} The lesson we all learn from this is that you should never play word
} association games.
}
} You owe the Oracle a number instead. (A one, two, a one two three
} four.)

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1601-07
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Frightful Oracle, I tried too hard. I wanted to ask about the Omicorn
> Virus but asked about OnoChrome instead. What is the penalty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having to electroplate the widow of John Lennon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of the Cornish Nationalist Party's
} anthem, "Imagine There's No Devon".

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1601-08
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Back along time ago there was a program or a pogrom against the
> heretics or "heretiques" known as "les epinards" who threatened
> the Holy Trinity by adding butter. Please relate to me the almost
> historic scene in which Popeye came to the Rescue of the Church
> or maybe the Pope.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Popeye was charged with blasphemy in 1929 by claiming, "I Yam What I
} Yam", which was close to Yahweh's name "I Yam".
}
} As a result, he was hauled in front of Pope Pius Xi (pronounced
} "She"), and asked to explain himself. He claimed that, because yams
} were not mentioned in the Bible, he could not possibly be charged
} with anything (not even the Swiss Guard).
}
} The Pope realised that he had met his intellectual match (a clever
} stick that sets on fire when you scrape it) and invited Popeye to
} help the Church in its battle against heresy. Popeye misheard this as
} a war against Hersheys and invented the idea of eating spinach to
} make himself strong.
}
} Popeye's reason for eating spinach was due to its Vitamin A content,
} and increased consumption (nothing to do with TB) in American
} children by 33%. Evangelicalism of this order was fascinating to a
} Pope, who had previously only tried to increase Catholics by
} preventing prevention (as it were).
}
} Anyway to cut a long story short, there was no escaping the clutches
} of the hunky sailor-man and Popeye culture spread across the world
} like butter (although they had to remove the racist and sexist parts
} (from Popeye, that is, not the butter)).
}
} You owe the Oracle an alternative history in which Popes John and
} Paul II got together with Archbishop George Carey and Greek Patriarch
} Johannis (Your Highness) to form the Christian Beatles and defeat the
} Rolling Stones (who were stopping Zombie Jesus from getting out of
} the tomb).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1601-09
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does Monday have to be so early in the week? I'm never ready for
> it. What do you take to alleviate Monday-itis? Strong drink? Poison?
> Vegetable soup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Dean of Westminster Abbey,
}
} I know you're scared right now. On Monday, the funeral of QE2 (not the
} boat, the other one), will be taking place in your little church. Over
} 1 billion people will be watching live, with 118 state representatives
} in attendance. Anything that goes wrong will reflect badly on you,
} even if it wasn't your fault.
}
} My advice is:
} - Fake a positive Lateral Flow Test
} - Convert to Buddhism
} - Grow a beard
} - Change your name to Arthur Figgis Smyth Fanshaw-Chomondley-Wharner
}   (but all the banks are shut, so you'll have to wait for the
}   documentation to come through).
} - Research the "true nature" of the Royal Family by following David
}   Icke (on Twitter, not in real life) and talk about it very loudly to
}   all your colleagues.
} - Pretend to be an ostrich.
} - Pretend you have a clash with the funeral of your mother's favourite
}   guinea-pig, Mr Fluffles. (National Guinea-Pig awareness week was
}   cancelled recently due to Liz's demise; they deserve some
}   recognition.)
} - Drink three bottles of port, two Bloody Marys, and a pint of Russian
}   vodka, and sleep through the entire thing.
} - Be photographed by paparazzi leaving The Prince Of Wales (the
}   nightclub, not the heir to the throne) at 2am.
} - Eat five platefulls (plates-full?) of baked beans and then hold a
}   cigarette lighter to your posterior.
}
} You owe the Oracle a front-row seat at the Coronation of Charlie 3, or
} a shout-out in Mr Fluffles' eulogy. Whichever is easier.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1601-10
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it called X but rated R?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Basically you are fundamentally confused. R and X++ are two quite
} different programming languages. Indeed, you may not have heard of
} them before. Doubly indeed, you probably have not heard of most
} programming languages, especially the ones so esoteric they've
} not been implemented.  Are you ready for Malbolge or INTERCAL?
} Have you every tried APL on an IBM 2741 printing terminal, with
} the special APL golf ball?
}
} You owe the Oracle a worthwhile APL one-liner.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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