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Internet Oracularities #1602

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Internet Oracularities #1602
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2023 07:40:55 -0500 (EST)

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1602-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie! You remember Suzie Slender from my high school class? The
> one all the guys including me were drooling over about? And how I
> thought that she should marry me but instead married Briff the fortball
> player? You know all thatt because you rember everythinng.
>
> So I need a Time Machine or maybe a Secret Chicken Recipe that'll let
> me time travel back so I can get her to marry me instead of Briff.
>
> You'll do this for me because you are nifty, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, the Oracle is bound by the Laws of the High-and-Mighty
} Elders of Time:
}
} 1) No running or shouting.
} 2) No pushing or ducking.
} 3) No acrobatics or gymnastics.
} 4) No peeing in the pool.
}
} To explain:
} 1) Shouting, "She's gonna blow!" and running away in Pompeii 79CE may
}    lead to too many Romans surviving.
} 2) Ducking, and pushing Archduke Franz Ferdinand into the path of a
}    bullet might have started a bit of an argument.
} 3) A certain gymnast, who will remain nameless, went back in time to
}    the 19XX Olympic Games, and won Gold for YYYYY. Their name was longer
}    than average, which meant that copies of Encyclopedia Britannica had
}    to be completely re-typeset, resulting in the Great Paper Shortage of
}    1957.
} 4) Distrust anything that makes you feel warm and fuzzy for a little
}    while. It's not a good sign in a swimming pool, and it's not a good
}    sign in time-travel, even if done for the right motives.
}
} So, much as I'd like to help you achieve your dream of marrying Suzie,
} it's not going to happen, I'm afraid. Also, as Briff currently earns
} $2.5m a year, and you are heavily in debt due to frequently sending
} Suzie a carpet of roses (not sure why; they're a bit prickly) to
} demonstrate your undying love for her, I'm not convinced that she
} feels the same way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the rules of fortball; it sounds
} suspiciously like the new "football" that High-Lord Symmons (Elder of
} Time) invented recently and was betting on being "the next big thing".

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1602-02
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You recommended Schnebly Hill Road near Sedona, AZ
> for Spring Break. I shot right by the warning sign "Not suitable for
> passenger vehicles" and broke my springs, my oil pan, my brake lines
> and some other parts I never imagined my car had. That guy in Sedona at
> Honest Charlie's Ripped Repair replaced nearly everything.
>
> I later got a second opinion, which was that my car didn't really need
> a cylinder decontamination barrister, a grid-leak resistor, or a
> left-turn oil spray corrector. So I went back to Sedona to see Honest
> Charlie but he wasn't there. No building, no nothing.
>
> Where is he, and how can I get my money back? I'm broke.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Honest Charlie is neither (you're the Charlie).
} The Democratic People's Republic of Korea isn't.
} A Reliant Robin wasn't.
} The Christian Right is neither.
}
} Anyway, "Charlie" is by now living in Arkansas with Gorgeous Gracie,
} winner of Miss Tennessee (excellent travel advice) in 2008. The
} building was packed into his suitcase by opening a valve and letting
} it down gently.
}
} You can get your money back by sending a blank cheque made payable to
} Clement Ash (C. Ash for short) and sending it to Pat The Butcher in an
} envelope marked "BBC Radio 4 Appeal" (not sure why R4 needs to appeal;
} it hasn't been convicted of anything).
}
} You owe the Oracle some sky hooks, tartan paint, and a long stand.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1602-03
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that there exists a mathematical way to encode a person's
> face alphanumerically so that so that plain and beautiful people have
> shorter coded descriptions than ugly people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course. Look at my code: 5
}
} Now look at Zadoc's:
} X5774DD9J983DEADBEEFDEADBEEFDEADBEEF00000000DEADBEEF
}
} What more proof could you want?

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1602-04
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked you for Alexander The Great's middle name and you said
> Catherine. So I told you that was silly and you told me that Charles
> T. Fat (what a horrid name) was also Charles T. Third and that he
> (or they) shared (or chaired) the same name. There may or may not
> have been a  Charles T. Grate.
>
> Please give me a total resolution of Royal Names. You may omit E.
> T.  IInd because she still seems to be alive, unlike Pope Pius the
> 3.14, who was not.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would like to apologize for the late answering of this
} question. The Oracular mail service has been delayed recently due to
} a postal strike. Zadoc struck a match in the carrier pigeon loft and
} thirty-four birds sadly perished, although some were later found to
} be very tasty with a red wine jus.
}
} In any case, E.T.II (aka Nocturnal Fears) is no longer with us, and
} Charlie 3 (sequel to Charlie 2 - Full Throttle) is now on the throne,
} marking the start of the Carol-or-Ian era. Prior to his accession,
} there was speculation that Charles would be called King Arthur or
} King George, or even 'King idiot who talks to plants.
}
} But in all the talk of our rulers past and present, we should not
} forget the names of those whom they subjugated.
} Henry VIII had 6 wives, and their fates are recorded in rhyme:
} Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived, reducing them
} to little more than anonymous victims. However, from our more nuanced
} temporal distance, we can re-label them as dead, dead, dead, dead,
} dead, dead.
}
} In these enlightened times, there has been much debate on the future
} of the monarchy. Should we allow ourselves to be oppressed by a set
} of partially inbred, out of touch millionaires who went to Eton and
} have never done a day's real work in their lives, or should we let
} the Windsors have a go instead?
}
} You owe the Oracle a republic (failing that, a dictatorship with me
} in charge).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1602-05
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friend Bart is a sedevacantist. He is a Catholic who believes that
> there is no Pope, and that the Throne of St. Peter has been vacant
> since the Vatican II heresies, and that the current "pope" is a Jesuit
> and a Communist.
>
> I told him that Communists were atheists, so he couldn't possibly be
> right.
>
> He laughed with that stupid noise that only your worst supplicants can
> make.
>
> Is YOUR throne vacant? We all need a good flushing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My throne is most certainly NOT vacant. I only leave it to sleep, eat,
} and answer calls of nature (although as I age, the calls are so
} frequent I'm fairly sure they could be classed as harassment).
}
} Anyway, Bart is clearly wrong. The Vatican Aye-Aye is a lemur found
} only in the Protestant parts of Madagascar, and when the Pope arrived
} to try to convert it to Catholicism, it gave him the middle finger.
} Also, I'm not entirely sure what is wrong with being a Communist. It
} comes right after Communion in my dictionary, which makes them closer
} than godliness and cleanliness.
}
} The only way to persuade Bart of his wrongness is to put to him a
} position so extreme that he has to admit that there's very little
} difference between two slightly different versions of Catholicism.
} I suggest taking him to the next festival of Cthulhu, to be held in
} the first-floor community room in "The Eagle and Child" in Oxford.
} Tickets are available from HP Love-Craft (a shop dedicated to
} repairing HP printers and making them into, ahem, marital aids).
}
} You owe the Oracle a crate of fish. The Papal Seal is hungry again.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1602-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oook! Oooook! A null question. That means I get to say whatever I want.
} Like, Whose on first. Or Pray for guidance.
}
} Did you know that prayers for guidance are always answered? A null
} response to a Prayer for Guidance means YOYO. "You're on your own!"
} Even atheists can get that answer.
}
} So in response to your question, "You're on your own!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a special edition Duncan Yoyo. The kind that never
} gets tangled.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1602-07
Selected-By: Joe Banks <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who framed Roger Rabbit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you'll find a clue in this story:
}
} So cousin Mort gets up in the middle of the night and goes into the
} kitchen. He opens the fridge and sees a large rabbit sitting on one of
} the shelves.
}
} "Who are you and what are you doing in there?" he asks.
}
} The rabbit replies, "I'm the Ether Bunny."
}
} "Yes, but what are you doing in my refrigerator?"
}
} "What kind of a wefwigewator is it?" asks the rabbit.
}
} "It's a Westinghouse."
}
} "Well," the rabbit says, "I'm westing."

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1602-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tellme all about it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh yes, thank you for reminding me. I almost forgot. Forgetting's
} pretty hard for me, since I have such an omniscient brain, but I also
} have the ability to know how to forget. Such are the difficulties of
} being more perfect than you mortals.
}
} Now back to your supplication. Here we go!
}
} Long ago I told you to be careful of new information, and to avoid hot
} tips from people you meet at the racetrack. The races are fixed, you
} know, so betting is futile unless you are member of the Gambino family.
} Your paranoia results directly from your mistaken belief that they are
} not out to get you. You think that see spies hiding behind trees and
} under sewer grates, but you falsely attribute your fears to mere
} delusion. The Mafioso spies are laughing at you and at your naive
} self-diagnosis of mental illness.
}
} You aren't crazy! They ARE out to get you, and they've hired me to make
} sure you never catch on to their true motives.
}
} You owe the Oracle an excuse that he can give to the next supplicant in
} line for all the time wasted on this reply.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1602-09
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All I said was, "She can use them if she wants." What's the problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kimchi paprikash surstroemming ice cream, that's the problem.
} Nobody was ready for it. Nobody.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of the result.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1602-10
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Admit it, you used a green screen to answer that last question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll play White and I'll play Green. Hold on a moment while I
} check  for miscoloured screens. Okay, go ahead.
}
} 1. f3 e6
} 2. g4 Qh4#
}
} Check and ZOT!
}
} Good job there, indicating your astonishing abilities in
} self-immolation.
}
} Let's play another game. I'll play White while you and an assistant
} of your choice play Green. During our game a performance of the
} opera, "The  Barber of Norma" will be staged behind a green
} screen so you won't be  distracted this time.
}
}   1 e4 e5
}   2 Nf3 d6
}   3 d4 Bg4
}   4 dxe5 Bxf3
}   5 Qxf3 dxe5
}   6 Bc4 Nf6
}   7 Qb3 Qe7
}   8 Nc3 c6
}   9 Bg5 b5
} 10 Nxb5 cxb5
} 11 Bxb5+ Nbd7
} 12 O-O-O Rd8
} 13 Rxd7 Rxd7
} 14 Rd1 Qe6
} 15 Bxd7+ Nxd7
} 16 Qb8+ Nxb8
} 17 Rd8 mate

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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