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Internet Oracularities #1603

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Internet Oracularities #1603
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Mon, 01 May 2023 11:26:01 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
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   1603
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1603-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I demand satisfaction.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've got it! If anything's wrong, demand your money back. Heck, make
} that double your money back.
}
} You still owe the Oracle for three previous answers.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1603-02
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Sarah Tops, and why should I try her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should try to study your etymology more carefully. Get the bugs
} out.  "Cera" is from the Latin for wax. She wears hats made of
} wax on top of her head. Three of them.
}
} Try to date her in the Late Cretaceous, before the K-T event, or
} she  will vanish and you'll never see her again.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1603-03
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have devised a slightly unique proof that 1 + 1 equals two, but the
> margins of my brain are too small to contain it. Please give me a proof
> that is more uniquer without being hopeless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is one that has taxed* mathematicians since the Dawn of Time, so
} any proof would be unique.
} * Mathematicians are very poorly paid and so very rarely owe tax. At
} least that's what they tell HMRC; why else do you think they invented
} imaginary numbers?
}
} If we assume:
} 1) A spherical cow.
} 2) A frictionless slope.
} 3) The Axiom of Choice.
} then we come up with a cow that chooses to go downhill to make an
} ethically produced milkshake.
}
} I'll try again.
}
} If we take the average number of romantic partners a mathematician has:
} Zero (yes, that's mean).
} and add the average number of number of coherent ideas in an Elon Musk
} tweet: Zero (like an ancient Iranian, that's Medeian)
} then we get Zero.
}
} Nope, still not right.
}
} If a football team wins one game, and then they win another game,
} meaning that they win the tournament, we find that two wins make
} three.
}
} Tricky this, isn't it?
}
} If we take one brain-dead supplicant, and add another brain-dead
} supplicant, we have a barely adequate meal for a zombie.
}
} Nope, I give up.
}
} You owe the Oracle the reason why wonton dumplings do not weigh one
} tonne.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1603-04
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please give me an excuse. I seem to have run out of excuses, because my
> dog refuses to eat any more of my homework and my grandmother says she
> is tired of having funerals. She says, "Any other decent grandmother
> would have just one funeral and be done with it. Why do I have to have
> eight of them? And that's not including the one you scheduled for
> finals week. That's just too many."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd love to, but unfortunately, I'm flossing my cat. Perhaps Zadoc
} might be able to help.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of chicken-flavored floss.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1603-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You said it would be like being on hallowed ground. Instead it was
> HOLLOWED ground and I fell in. Where am I now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Middle Earth.
}
} It's a bad Hobbit of mine.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1603-06
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sorry, it was merely a case of mistaken identify. I though you were the
> Oracle, but instead you're just one of his incarnations. You'll never
> be able to give me the solution to the elephantine equations.
>
> Instead I'll ask something that's more or less within the bounds of the
> usual incarnational ability.
>
> Explain this joke so that my little brother can understand it.
> Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
> A: |elephant| * |banana| * sin(theta)
>
> Also so that I can, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's a tricky one,
}
} First, you have to put the banana and the elephant in box cars. This is
} to clearly delineate the two terms, hence the |elephant| and |banana|.
}
} Then you have to put those box cars behind some form of engine. In this
} case, powered by the sin of the theta (as opposed to the sins of the
} father).
}
} Finally, you put in the links (*) between the cars and the engine.
}
} Then you can get on board, leave the station, and use the banana to
} tickle the elephant under the, well, let's not go there for your little
} brother. Which of course makes the elephant cross since you aren't a
} lady elephant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of burning ducks.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1603-07
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Attention! The law firm Fenster, Fenster, Fenster and Fenetre has been
> retrained by M1crosoft to sue you, the Internent Oracle, for making
> disparaging remarks about Windows. If you do not remove all offensive
> material from your website and e-mail ("E-MAIL" or "EMAIL") within 24
> hours from noon, yesterday, we will be forced to take action against
> both you and your assistant Zadoc. Please remove your hands from the
> keyboard and your fingers. Any questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sure hope so, it's how I stay in business.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1603-08
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My grandfather grows germaniuims the flours, not the radioactive
> fuels.  But I was thinking that if I could get him to grow fuels
> instead we would have semi-infite power.  Like lots of biggawats.
>
> What's the best way to seperate germanuiums (the power not the
> flowr) from the oar?  Do I need a Oak Ridge?  Grandfather has a Oak
> Tree.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why hello there, precocious youth!
}
} Germanium isn't really germane to making power,
} Uranium would be best, but doesn't rhyme with a flower.
} Fusion is very near, within twenty years or so they say,
} But they repeat that mantra every decade without delay.
} Figure something out with this, a 1 millimeter black hole,
} Learn some physics, and some math, but please keep it under control.
} There's energy to be had, both potential and kinetic.
} Accept this kind gift from me, everyone's favourite mystic.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1603-09
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great oracle, who is... still here? Wow.
>
> Long ago, another oracle was asked who the wisest person alive was.
> She replied that that person was Socrates, no doubt because, as another
> story goes, he alone understood that he understood nothing. Is there
> anyone in the present day who has that same valuable understanding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Understanding nothing is difficult. As Martin Heidegger famously said,
} "Das Nichts selbst nichtet." Immediately there is a difficulty. "Was
} ist das Nichts?" Does nothing have existential qualities that allow it
} the action of nothinging?
}
} Socrates cannot be said to have wisdom of nothing by simply asserting
} that he knows nothing. He steps perilously close to the abyss into
} which Epimenides dropped his famous paradox. Negative (or negatative)
} self-reference is a trap (or tarp) for the philosophically unaware. You
} now have all the tools you need to understand the misunderstandable, to
} eff the ineffable, or to screw (or unscrew) the inscrutable.
}
} You owe the Oracle double nothing and a pair of clean unnerwear.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1603-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My dad asked me what I do for work and I said I'm a EE and that my
> current (and voltage) project involves calculating megohms in
> insulators so that kilowatts of electricity don't get lost.
>
> Dad didn't get it. He's now telling people that I am a terrace. He says
> terrace live in meg-homes where they send MAGA insultors everywhere. He
> says, "My own son, how could you do this?" I told him that it's Ohm's
> Law and now he wants to kill Ohm before the killer-what (his term, not
> mine) can get us. He wants me to give him my 15 salt rifles.
>
> As you can see we are getting very nowhere much too fast. Can you
> please supply some entropy to our house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased to be asked to provide some semblance of
} disorder.
}
} Zadoc will be dispatched immediately. He will bring with him:
} - 3 untrained parrots who shout "Who's a pretty cracker?" and "Pieces
}   of Polly".
} - 7 incontinent hamsters in balls.
} - 15 lava lamps, made with real lava.
} - 11 sturdy ferrets that are trained to climb trouser legs, but not to
}   descend them.
} - 8 Parakeets.
} - 8 Pairs of other romantic poets.
} - 9 Sentimental ostriches who hide their heads in sand-sculptures of
}   Queen Elizabeth II
} - 7 half-eaten ploughman's lunches.
} - 7 lions, stuffed after eating 7 ploughmen (but not their lunches).
} - 2 koalas who are waiting for their STI results before mating.
} - 17 suspicious herbivores.
} - 16 real-estate agents who are all trying to sell off council estates.
} - 11 small walruses (walrii?)
} - 14 tea-cosies.
} - 117 plastic bags.
} - 1 wasp (inside one of the plastic bags).
} - 3 pairs of curtains
}
} You owe the Oracle some ordered thinking.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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