If you've registered, you may vote on this digest using the vote buttons below each Oracularity. Be sure to rate each one.

Goto:

1603, 1603-01, 1603-02, 1603-03, 1603-04, 1603-05, 1603-06, 1603-07, 1603-08, 1603-09, 1603-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I demand satisfaction.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've got it! If anything's wrong, demand your money back. Heck, make } that double your money back. } } You still owe the Oracle for three previous answers.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Sarah Tops, and why should I try her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should try to study your etymology more carefully. Get the bugs } out.  "Cera" is from the Latin for wax. She wears hats made of } wax on top of her head. Three of them. } } Try to date her in the Late Cretaceous, before the K-T event, or } she  will vanish and you'll never see her again.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have devised a slightly unique proof that 1 + 1 equals two, but the > margins of my brain are too small to contain it. Please give me a proof > that is more uniquer without being hopeless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is one that has taxed* mathematicians since the Dawn of Time, so } any proof would be unique. } * Mathematicians are very poorly paid and so very rarely owe tax. At } least that's what they tell HMRC; why else do you think they invented } imaginary numbers? } } If we assume: } 1) A spherical cow. } 2) A frictionless slope. } 3) The Axiom of Choice. } then we come up with a cow that chooses to go downhill to make an } ethically produced milkshake. } } I'll try again. } } If we take the average number of romantic partners a mathematician has: } Zero (yes, that's mean). } and add the average number of number of coherent ideas in an Elon Musk } tweet: Zero (like an ancient Iranian, that's Medeian) } then we get Zero. } } Nope, still not right. } } If a football team wins one game, and then they win another game, } meaning that they win the tournament, we find that two wins make } three. } } Tricky this, isn't it? } } If we take one brain-dead supplicant, and add another brain-dead } supplicant, we have a barely adequate meal for a zombie. } } Nope, I give up. } } You owe the Oracle the reason why wonton dumplings do not weigh one } tonne.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please give me an excuse. I seem to have run out of excuses, because my > dog refuses to eat any more of my homework and my grandmother says she > is tired of having funerals. She says, "Any other decent grandmother > would have just one funeral and be done with it. Why do I have to have > eight of them? And that's not including the one you scheduled for > finals week. That's just too many."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd love to, but unfortunately, I'm flossing my cat. Perhaps Zadoc } might be able to help. } } You owe the Oracle a pack of chicken-flavored floss.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You said it would be like being on hallowed ground. Instead it was > HOLLOWED ground and I fell in. Where am I now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Middle Earth. } } It's a bad Hobbit of mine.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sorry, it was merely a case of mistaken identify. I though you were the > Oracle, but instead you're just one of his incarnations. You'll never > be able to give me the solution to the elephantine equations. > > Instead I'll ask something that's more or less within the bounds of the > usual incarnational ability. > > Explain this joke so that my little brother can understand it. > Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana? > A: |elephant| * |banana| * sin(theta) > > Also so that I can, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's a tricky one, } } First, you have to put the banana and the elephant in box cars. This is } to clearly delineate the two terms, hence the |elephant| and |banana|. } } Then you have to put those box cars behind some form of engine. In this } case, powered by the sin of the theta (as opposed to the sins of the } father). } } Finally, you put in the links (*) between the cars and the engine. } } Then you can get on board, leave the station, and use the banana to } tickle the elephant under the, well, let's not go there for your little } brother. Which of course makes the elephant cross since you aren't a } lady elephant. } } You owe the Oracle a case of burning ducks.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Attention! The law firm Fenster, Fenster, Fenster and Fenetre has been > retrained by M1crosoft to sue you, the Internent Oracle, for making > disparaging remarks about Windows. If you do not remove all offensive > material from your website and e-mail ("E-MAIL" or "EMAIL") within 24 > hours from noon, yesterday, we will be forced to take action against > both you and your assistant Zadoc. Please remove your hands from the > keyboard and your fingers. Any questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sure hope so, it's how I stay in business.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My grandfather grows germaniuims the flours, not the radioactive > fuels.  But I was thinking that if I could get him to grow fuels > instead we would have semi-infite power.  Like lots of biggawats. > > What's the best way to seperate germanuiums (the power not the > flowr) from the oar?  Do I need a Oak Ridge?  Grandfather has a Oak > Tree.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why hello there, precocious youth! } } Germanium isn't really germane to making power, } Uranium would be best, but doesn't rhyme with a flower. } Fusion is very near, within twenty years or so they say, } But they repeat that mantra every decade without delay. } Figure something out with this, a 1 millimeter black hole, } Learn some physics, and some math, but please keep it under control. } There's energy to be had, both potential and kinetic. } Accept this kind gift from me, everyone's favourite mystic.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great oracle, who is... still here? Wow. > > Long ago, another oracle was asked who the wisest person alive was. > She replied that that person was Socrates, no doubt because, as another > story goes, he alone understood that he understood nothing. Is there > anyone in the present day who has that same valuable understanding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Understanding nothing is difficult. As Martin Heidegger famously said, } "Das Nichts selbst nichtet." Immediately there is a difficulty. "Was } ist das Nichts?" Does nothing have existential qualities that allow it } the action of nothinging? } } Socrates cannot be said to have wisdom of nothing by simply asserting } that he knows nothing. He steps perilously close to the abyss into } which Epimenides dropped his famous paradox. Negative (or negatative) } self-reference is a trap (or tarp) for the philosophically unaware. You } now have all the tools you need to understand the misunderstandable, to } eff the ineffable, or to screw (or unscrew) the inscrutable. } } You owe the Oracle double nothing and a pair of clean unnerwear.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My dad asked me what I do for work and I said I'm a EE and that my > current (and voltage) project involves calculating megohms in > insulators so that kilowatts of electricity don't get lost. > > Dad didn't get it. He's now telling people that I am a terrace. He says > terrace live in meg-homes where they send MAGA insultors everywhere. He > says, "My own son, how could you do this?" I told him that it's Ohm's > Law and now he wants to kill Ohm before the killer-what (his term, not > mine) can get us. He wants me to give him my 15 salt rifles. > > As you can see we are getting very nowhere much too fast. Can you > please supply some entropy to our house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased to be asked to provide some semblance of } disorder. } } Zadoc will be dispatched immediately. He will bring with him: } - 3 untrained parrots who shout "Who's a pretty cracker?" and "Pieces }   of Polly". } - 7 incontinent hamsters in balls. } - 15 lava lamps, made with real lava. } - 11 sturdy ferrets that are trained to climb trouser legs, but not to }   descend them. } - 8 Parakeets. } - 8 Pairs of other romantic poets. } - 9 Sentimental ostriches who hide their heads in sand-sculptures of }   Queen Elizabeth II } - 7 half-eaten ploughman's lunches. } - 7 lions, stuffed after eating 7 ploughmen (but not their lunches). } - 2 koalas who are waiting for their STI results before mating. } - 17 suspicious herbivores. } - 16 real-estate agents who are all trying to sell off council estates. } - 11 small walruses (walrii?) } - 14 tea-cosies. } - 117 plastic bags. } - 1 wasp (inside one of the plastic bags). } - 3 pairs of curtains } } You owe the Oracle some ordered thinking.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)

Username:
Password: