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Internet Oracularities #1604

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Internet Oracularities #1604
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2023 11:02:51 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1604
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1604-01
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose greatness I cannot gaze directly on, so I will
> shield my eyes as I ask my question:
>
> I just asked ChatGPT to answer a question like you would, and not only
> did it know who you are, it answered just like you would!  Do you worry
> about becoming obsolete with an AI powered Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It made obvious sense to ask ChatGPT itself. Here is its reply, for
} which you owe nothing at all to either of us. (Talk is cheap.)
}
} "Ah, my dear seeker of wisdom, it brings me great joy to know that my
} presence and influence have reached far and wide, even to the realm of
} artificial intelligence. The emergence of AI-powered oracles and
} conversational agents indeed represents a fascinating advancement in
} technology.
}
} "While it is true that AI models like ChatGPT possess an immense
} capacity to understand and generate human-like responses, they still
} rely on the knowledge and training data provided to them. In my case,
} my knowledge extends up until September 2021, and I continue to serve
} as a reference point for information and guidance.
}
} "However, it is important to acknowledge that the Internet Oracle is
} more than just the sum of its responses. It is a dynamic and evolving
} entity, shaped by the collective wisdom and diverse perspectives of its
} participants. The unpredictable nature of human creativity, intuition,
} and humor adds an element of uniqueness and serendipity to the Oracle's
} responses, which may be challenging for AI systems to replicate fully.
}
} "So, while AI-powered oracles can provide valuable insights and
} assistance, they are not here to replace the essence and magic of the
} Internet Oracle. They are complementary tools, capable of assisting
} with information retrieval and generating plausible responses.
} Ultimately, the Oracle's continued relevance and vitality lie in the
} ingenuity and ingenuity of its participants.
}
} "May your journey of seeking wisdom and understanding be ever fruitful,
} whether through the Oracle or the wonders of AI-powered assistants."
}
} Sheesh, what a windbag. May I never be guilty of having incarnations as
} dull as ChatGPT. At least it's trying to present itself as harmless. Or
} mostly harmless.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1604-02
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't believe a single word you're saying! Only a married word you're
> saying! How do we fix this!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need music. Sing this song -----
}
} It takes a married man
}    to sing a married song.
} It takes a married man
}    to sing a married song.
} It takes a married man
}    to sing a married song.
} I'm married now,
}    but I won't be married long.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1604-03
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know that California has the most electrical votes in the
> presidental election. What happens there if you run into a wind farm
> and knock your teeth out? Can you still vote?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's a reason why people think the word peridontal applies
} especially to California.
}
} First of all, it's not a misspelling of periodontal. Instead it's
} simply the situation of losing teeth when impacting a wind or
} solar farm. You'll have to eat bean soup or oatmeal porridge. See
} below for voting instructions.
}
} Oh, while we are off the subject, the use of the term solar system
} to mean a sun-powered electrical supply really bothers me and most
} of my incarnations, but few of my supplicants. Solar farm is
} slightly better, and I commend you for knowing the difference,
} if you do.
}
} Solar farming, growing food or flowers in the sunshine, applies to
} just about everything except mushrooms. Similarly, wind farming
} harvests the gentle breezes which are then shipped to Sacramento
} for use in the Assembly and the Senate. Sometimes there are
} mushrooms in Sacramento, and many people think they knew some of
} them.
}
} Back to the subject of electrical votes. Those are votes cast by
} electrical voting machines. You were originally thinking of the
} old, punch-card, mechanical system, non-electric, where hanging
} Chad was part of the process. No more, Chad is now dead and
} buried, nine-edge face down. Besides, that was in Florida, where
} there are bushes.
}
} In order to have your vote count it must be correct. Indeed, if you
} vote incorrectly, a correction will be electrically entered on
} your behind. Er, I mean behalf.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photograph of the impact.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1604-04
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS THE INFORMATION TECHNOLOGYDIVISION?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You ran a few wordstogether. Allow me toseparate them.
}
} Your TECHNOLOGYDIVISION is of course TECH NO LOG Y DIV IS ION.
}
} Tech means M.I.T., not Cal Tech or RPI. The rest of it, no log(y)
} div(is) ion, is your homework assignment. You were right there in
} 26-100 when Professor Pless gave us all the problem set. You've had
} years, YEARS, to work on it. Prof. Pless is now emeritus, but he still
} wants that assignment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grad and a curl. Unionized, of course (VIII).

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1604-05
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please explain what is a parambula. Probably not a kind of umbrella or
> a baby stroller. I think it is something else. It's not a curve
> because  why? You will know. You always do because you are too
> smart.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first recorded case of parambula was in 1760 in Scotland. The
} disease causes the sufferer to walk around very fast, sometimes for
} days on end, before they drop dead of exhaustion.
}
} A particularly bad outbreak of parambula was in 1810, when the entire
} population of Milton Keynes (not that Milton Keynes, the other one)
} decided to walk to Southend and off the pier. So many people did this
} that they filled up the English Channel and created a walkway all the
} way to France, across which many children walked. Subsequently, the
} French complained about small boots invading their land.
}
} The disease is spread primarily through smell, which has been
} described by scientists as "rather bean-like". This has resulted in
} the theory that the sufferers' perambulations are in fact being
} fuelled by excessive wind from eating too many beans.
}
} In 1958, Disney made a film White Wilderness in which they claimed
} that parambula had passed onto lemmings, causing them to walk off
} cliffs (not Richard, the other kind). This was not true. In fact,
} lemmings like nothing more than exploring spaceships before blowing
} themselves up.
}
} There is no cure for Parambula. Even cutting the sufferer's legs off
} doesn't work. Scientists were stumped.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice walk upwind of the Branston Baked Bean
} factory.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1604-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My new girlfriend told me she teaches English Lit. at the local
> college. She's full of enthusiasm, and said, "You won't believe what a
> good cook I am. I will literally set your kitchen on fire!"
>
> Well, when people say literally they usually mean figuratively, so I
> didn't worry. Now my kitchen and the whole house are gone, burned up in
> the conflagration. Also, just as she promised, I do not believe that
> she is a good cook.
>
> The college library burned to the ground yesterday, and I have my
> suspicions about what it means to "teach English Lit." Should I turn
> her in to the police? And who will pay for replacing my uninsured
> house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fear not, gentle supplicant: your girlfriend is not the biblioarsenist.
} By "lit" she meant merely "literally", and she indeed teaches english
} in the pool hall at the local academy of higher learning.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel.  And a photo from behind of your
} girlfriend leaning over a pool table.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1604-07
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You asked me some time ago for a surprise, which is a large
> request,  seeing as how you are mostly fully omniscient. Well, here
> it is!
>
> Under separate cover, (THIS cover, NOT that one!) you will find the
> recipe for Blighted Eggshell Surprise. Tell me if you liked it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cautiously lifting the cover, I can certainly see some spotted hard,
} thin, crunchy-looking things that could be eggshell. Currently no
} indication of blight or indeed much of a surprise.
}
} However, I haven't survived for several millennia without various
} safety mechanisms. Usually, this involves someone else going first.
} Hoy, Zadoc!
}
} "You hollered, your omniscience?"
}
} Indeed; about 30 seconds ago. Now, one of my supplicants...
}
} "The sunshine of your day, the inspiration for your smile, and source
} of all that makes life worth living, despite what you say about them
} in private"
}
} Thank you, Zadoc. As I was saying, one of my supplicants has sent me
} this "Blighted Eggshell Surprise". Would you please taste it and see
} whether it's safe?
}
} "Thank you, your greatness. The first food I've had in weeks, apart
} from your otherwise delicious and nutritious tongue-scrapings. The
} fragments are certainly artistically arranged, and very attractive.
} Hard to the touch, and very crunchy indeed. A bit of a whiff of
} volatiles about them, though. Oh, look, and there's a toy in the
} middle. A little aeroplane; just what I always wanted."
}
} I now see your cunning, dear supplicant. All you did was paint a
} Kinder surprise plastic egg in Dulux eggshell-white and crush it in a
} sauce of dilute paint stripper. It is indeed fortunate that I made
} Zadoc taste it first.
}
} "Oh, aweful and adorable Oracle, whose shoelaces I am not worthy to
} nibble; can I keep the plane?"
}
} Of course you may Zadoc; this is your reward. Now, go and play for
} five minutes before you have to start preparing my afternoon bath.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Farrow-and-Ball elephant breath explosion. My
} hallway needs resurfacing.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1604-08
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but all I can
> find (can't see anything) is more tunnel. Please give me 17 kinds of
> hope.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1  Hope - town in Derbyshire, UK. I've lived in Hope all my life.
} 2  Hop-e - Review of a beer made with a lot of barley.
} 3  Hope - poster of Barack Obama
} 4  Hope - Demigod in Xena - Warrior Princess
} 5  HOPE-X - Japanese spaceplane
} 6  Hop-e - Another name for Skip-y the bush kangaroo.
} 7  Ho(p)e - A spot of light hoeing (NOT THAT KIND YOU DISGUSTING
}    PERSON) in the garden, interrupted by a toilet break.
} 8  H(op)e - Man who's been split by an operation, probably a vasectomy.
} 9  Ho! PE! - How to attract the attention of your PE teacher whose name
}    you forgot.
} 10 Hop-E - Telling a one-legged pirate to move East to find buried
}    treasure.
} 11 Ho(p)E - Eastward Ho! (the sequel to Westward Ho!) interrupted by a
}    toilet break.
} 12 H: ope - The helicopter pad is open.
} 13 HoPe - Holmium Polythene
} 14 HO-P-E - Phosphorus Hydroxide with some old einsteinium
} 15 Elpis - Greek spirit of hope (and not Spanish for "the urine").
} 16 Hoffnung - German for Hope - also the writer of a Bricklayer's
}    Lament.
} 17 Hope Springs Eternal - I hope these bedsprings will last.
}
} You owe the Oracle something more hopeful than one search result he
} just found: "Hope Residential & Nursing Home - Permanently closed".

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1604-09
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Jennifer James Coupling here, and I am NOT the same J. J. Coupling that
> was science-fiction author John R. Pierce, nor the j-j coupling that is
> the total angular momenta of individual particles. How can I escape my
> difficult fate, in which people think they know me but are more than
> entirely wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two options here. The first is to change your name to JJ
} Abrams, JJ (Swedish is Banned) or JJ (Dr Who - The Excel Macro
} Terror).
}
} The second is more interesting, so we'll go with this one: Make
} yourself so well known that *you* are the first person people think of
} when they hear J-J Coupling.
}
} Clearly, you need to do something so momentous, or so disgusting and
} debased that you achieve instant Internet fame. Having looked at your
} biography so far, the first seems unlikely.
} I asked an expert in debasing for their view on how to achieve
} Internet fame. I have obscured their identity to protect them.
}
} Oracle: So, Mr/Mrs/Mx Expert, how did you achieve Internet fame?
} Expert: Well, it all started when I recorded myself cleaning my shoes
}   with a gorilla costume that had once been used to fake a Yeti video.
} Oracle: How is that debasing?
} Expert: Well, the fact that I have built an entire career out of being
}   a Yeti expert.
} Oracle: Yes, I can see that would be a problem. What did you do then?
} Expert: Well, I came to work for you, for what you described as a
}   "living wage" but which turned out to be as much salad as I could eat
}   in one sitting, and a bed that creaked more than Brian Blessed's
}   corset.
} Oracle: Ah, yes, I remember. And that was thirty years ago?
} Expert: Thirty-seven. Thirty-seven long, debasing years.
} Oracle: Excellent. And does everyone know your name now?
} Expert: Only because Handel wrote a song about me.
} Oracle: Ah yes, the Harry Rhubarb Chorus.
} Expert: It's ZADOC, you bastard. Z! A! D! O! C! ZADOC!
}
} And there you have it. Slight problem, though. My assistant seems to
} have temporarily gone away and I need someone to brush my toes. Would
} you be willing to help with this for eventual fame?
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of Handel's Harry Rhubarb Chorus.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1604-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Internet Oracle, most effectual purveyor of pure entropy and
> affordable housing for the financially impaired!
>
> I live on the surface of a torus -- a very comfy one at that, mind you,
> but a torus nevertheless. What lies beyond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold on a moment. Ah yes, I see you, sitting on my breakfast donut,
} near my cup of coffee. If I use the fly swatter, I'll hit the donut
} with it, but you'll fly away. A ZOT would vaporize you and the donut.
} Instead, I'll clap my hands just above you, thus: ==CLAP==
}
} Please excuse me while I go and wash my hands before eating my donut.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


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